To not want my exes partner at my child's birthday party?

[wherewego]

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I'm looking for some impartial advice on this situation.

Me and my ex have a DD who is 6 together and get on fairly okay for the most part but we do have our moments.

For DD's birthday and for christmas we go shopping for her gifts together and he comes to the house to watch her open them, everything is pretty amicable and he is a good dad.

He has been with his partner for over a year now, at first I found it very difficult especially as I knew of his partner before he got with her. She used to live with my best friend when they worked abroad together and I've heard not very good things about her and I was told these things before she got with my ex so of course I did make judgements based on the information I was given.

Anyway I got over all that, she spends quite a bit of time with my DD and she really likes her. All good. However, I haven't met her and I really at this point don't have a desire to. They've only been together a year this month, they don't live together and aren't married so I just don't see the need to meet her at the moment.

My ex has asked to half in for a swimming party for DD's birthday next month. I agreed. On the phone with ex this morning he mentioned that his partner will be there in the pool with the kids whilst I have to stay out of pool to greet parents and children. I told ex that I didn't feel comfortable with his partner being there and could she step back and they could do something desperately with DD. My ex wasn't happy about this and said he'd think about it. But I had better get used to her being around. The thing that upsets me is he didn't even ask if this would be alright for me. I already struggle with anxiety and meeting parents etc makes me nervous so would prefer to not have to meet his girlfriend on top of that.

So my question is, would I be unreasonable that if my ex insists his partner needs to be there, that I say that's fine but I'm not paying half. I'll step back and let this be there party for her and I will do something separate with my family and my DD?

I feel guilty as it would be nice if I could be there but at this point I just don't feel ready to meet her.

Thanks in advance

OP, I know where you are coming from. It seems like there are a lot on here who have new relationships where they think this is fine.
I've never met an adult yet without mh problems when a parent had gf/bf coming in and out of their lives, but hey ho, pardon me for thinking of the child. There are some very low values on here.

I get the feeling of it being pointless to meet. You don’t really get to know anyone over some staged coffee, and you can’t say anything if you don’t like them anyway.

This woman is in your daughter’s life, you’re going to meet her sometime.

I met my daughter’s now stepmother in the school playground - she moved her son to that school when she moved in with my ex. I spied her across the playground and went over with a smile “you’re Lisa, right? I’m Darcy’s mum. Hope James has settled in OK” (all fake names, obviously!)

I would urge you to just get it out of the way. In some ways, it’s perfect. She’s in the water so you’re not stuck making polite conversation with her. Birthdays are busy so even when she’s out, you don’t have to stand around with her. Make sure you have a supportive friend to stick to you like glue.

I know the “MY daughter” feeling, and I sympathise. One year, before a concert, I had stepmother over to my house at my daughter’s request as she’s better at doing plaits than me!

When I feel bad about it, I remind myself that the ideal situation IS that my daughter likes her.

I can promise you, that you’re still her mum! My daughter really likes her stepmother and she’s pretty hands on as ex is really not but it hasn’t detracted from the quality or strength of my relationship with my daughter at all.

One day, when she’s 40, my daughter might post on future MN and say “I was lucky - looking back it must have been hard for mum to cope with Lisa - but she never showed it and I never had to feel bad”.

Last week when I was baking and my daughter said I should get tips from Lisa as her chocolate cake is to die for, I just thought to myself - how great that my 12yo doesn’t have to check what she says.

Don’t big it all up with a pre-meet.
Be pleased she’ll be in the pool not next to you.
Steal yourself that you’ll see her positively interact (be ready with your mantra that it’s a good thing! I know it’s hard though)
Get a friend there for back up.
If there’s clearing up to do, make sure you’ve planned a quick exit so you’re not stuck with her!

I've never met an adult yet without mh problems when a parent had gf/bf coming in and out of their lives, but hey ho, pardon me for thinking of the child
Long term partner of a year
Partner has an established and positive relationship with the child
Of course it's a revolving door of women in and out of the child's life.

It absolutely is in the child's best interest to have a mother who refuses to meet her dad's new partner because she doesn't want to and would rather prevent her child seeing adults co-parenting amicably than have the occasional civil conversation and share big events for the benefit of the child.

There are some very low values on here
Quite. Though I'd say the low values are those placing the feeling of the adult refusing to meet a long term partner over the child having a party with all the people who care about her are the ones with low values.

What LolaSmiles said, pretty much.

OP, I know where you are coming from. It seems like there are a lot on here who have new relationships where they think this is fine.
I've never met an adult yet without mh problems when a parent had gf/bf coming in and out of their lives, but hey ho, pardon me for thinking of the child. There are some very low values on here.

Well, it seems that you really don't see where the OP is coming from and are extrapolating wildly. The OP is happy for her DD to see and spend time with the ex's girlfriend. The DD gets on well with the gf. The problem here is whether the OP should have to meet the gf.

Perhaps you would be so good as to explain why it would harm the child's mental health to see her adult mother meet a lady whom the child is fond of? And why it would be so much less damaging to the child to grow up realising her mother is petrified of meeting an adult she allows her child to meet.

It's your dd party what else matters? Plus your ex sounds like he has sorted it all and even got people to supervise.

Your ok with going shopping with your ex which I guess his dp doesn't much like but puts up with it for dd, and your the mother so you should be willing to deal more.

Your dd will not understand why your not there.

I thought as parents we tell our dc we would do anything for them???

He should pay half anyway, just because he's one of two parents.

hell no! They can discuss and agree to organise something together, but no way the other parents should blindly pay half - one parent might go completely over the top and the other one shouldn't be pressured to pay for something they don't agree with.

to the poster but hey ho, pardon me for thinking of the child
not rocking the boat and trying to get on well is ONLY done in the interest of the child. No one would bother being in contact with exes and their new partners if it wasn't for a child!

I've never met an adult yet without mh problems when a parent had gf/bf coming in and out of their lives, but hey ho, pardon me for thinking of the child. There are some very low values on here.

Hmm well now my kids are grown up, I've met quite a few of their mates who put their mental health problems down to their divorced/separated parents refusing to put them first - above any issues or squabbles they have.

It's not nice for kids to be brought up in a situation where the adults in their lives, can't put their own feelings second for the sake of a couple of hours at a party.

Ditto Christmas and other events.

YANBU at all imo.
Why would you want to meet her? I know I wouldn't!
Your ex has got a new partner, great! Your DD likes her, great!
If it were me I'd let the ex do his parties with his family from now on and you do yours with your family. DD gets to have two parties instead of one!

I know this might be a superficial point but imagine knowing that the first time you'll meet your boyfriend's ex - the mother of his child - you'll be in a swimsuit. She must be pretty sure of herself.

"Sure of herself"? You say that like it's a bad thing? Not all women are bedraggled, self conscious with low self esteem...maybe she's a Size 20 with wobbly bits and just doesn't see the long distant ex as competition?
God forbid a woman dare feel happy in her skin, there's always someone, usually another woman, ready to drag her down. "Sure of herself"?...fuck me.

Worra

Likewise my grown up ds x2 mates have issues of their divorced parents having people come and go out of their lives, they get used to them, form a relationship only for the adults to separate.
Having someone involved in your child's life, so soon, when it could all go pear shaped is irresponsible.
Nothing wrong with blended families my bil is part of one, he didn't get involved with things for quite some time though and wouldn't have suggested attending the child's party when he was just a bf, not even living with the mother.
This relationship could go drastically wrong when they do decide to live together, what then for the poor child.
Relationships are complex, why add to the risk of mh issues for your child, I just find it so selfish, and certainly not in the child's interest.

I can see why this is awkward, I really do understand but they have been together for a year and your DD is quite close with her so it may be something you have to suck up. A year is hardly a month, my ex introduced the DC to his GF after a month and I was horrified at the time.

Honestly, I'd just go ahead with the party and the new GF there. The awkwardness of the meeting will actually be diluted because there'll be so much going on with the kids. I say this as someone who avoided meeting my ex's new partner for ages and then was finally persuaded to meet her for a coffee, which was horrible! She's perfectly pleasant it's just that we don't "click" so conversation was painful. I wish I'd bit the bullet and met her at our DD's parties or similar. I think it's better at a group thing where you can direct the conversation through the children and can keep it brief and get "distracted" by needing to do something at any point rather than having an outer-body experience/mild panic attack fuelled by coffee at a forced meet up you fucking hate

Yup. But the OP is the one in the wrong. 🙄
She wouldn't be in the for saying no to going halves, or in the wrong for asking her own friends to supervise, or telling him she expects him to help greet people or that she's going in the pool half way through so they need to swap jobs. She is being unreasonable not wanting an adult eho is part of her daughters life and part of the Co-payer's life to not come because she might have to be polite, smile and say hi to her.

Drabarni the woman's just helping out for a couple of hours at a pool party. The OP's child really likes her. They've been together over a year.

I see nothing wrong with that at all. In fact it's a good example to set imo.

Do whatever you want to do, it's a childs party, adults will be around. make your own arrangements separately but I suggest making it low key. This is your ex and his current, set the ground rules now then everyone knows the expectations. It can be a minefield, but you have every right to stick to your guns. However, it would be right and proper for you to set aside some time to formally meet his GF.

I am not too sure what others are reading here, It is the p's decison why she hasnt met the ex, it also her decison that the new gf will be in the pool. This are all compromises being offered bt her ex.
Off course YABU,
You want to hurt your ex and his Gf for some reason, but you need to realise that although you may do that you will undoubtable hurt your DD more.You will also destroy the relationship you currently all share.

YANBU. Your feelings are exactly that, yours. If the thought of a large gathering is giving you enough anxiety then of course this shouldn’t be added onto with having to meet your EX gf.
In time you can do the meet ups but I would say I’ve never really met my partners ex and we have been together 3 years and take his son regularly, neither of us have any interest in it and I prefer it this way. If that’s how you feel you should do the same.

Exes gf*

@Maddison12
and what happens in the years to come when DD wants to have a party- should she have two because of your selfish and irrational behaviour.
You want to put your DD where hse has to keep choosing between he DF and DM. Try try to remember who the most important person at this party is supposed to be

worra

I bet the child remembers who was there at her party when she is older, lets just hope she doesn't look back thinking "oh yes that was the first of many gf Dad involved me with.

YANBU. Your feelings are exactly that, yours.

Yeah but there's the small matter of the child's feelings here

Drabarni, honestly I get what you're saying but goodness me it's been over a year now.

No-one would ever date if they worried as much as you're worrying. There's been no suggestion of the OP or her ex having multiple partners.

YABVU.

There is no way I would pay for a party that my partner of a year, who had a good relationship with my DD wasn’t allowed to go to.

It’s very immature not to want to meet her becomes you feel threatened or jealous of her relationship with your DD.

I would grow up and put your DD first if I were you.

It’s shockingly immature and short sighted of you. This woman is going to be in your child’s life, potentially for a very long time. Why on earth wouldn’t you want to meet someone who is going to be spending a lot of time with your DD? I’d be all over that like a rash - coffees, chat at change over, maybe even the odd dinner or family night out. And yes, definitely parties. Your ex has moved on - maybe it’s time you did too.

For what it’s worth, I do like to hang around with my ex and his new partner. We all go out for dinner now and again, they’ve been over when we’ve had barbecues in the summer, and they’re coming for Christmas. It’s good role modelling - even though we’re no longer together it’s good for the kids to see us being responsible parents who can get along, and for our kids to have 4 people who love and take care of them instead of two.