To not want my exes partner at my child's birthday party?

[wherewego]

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I'm looking for some impartial advice on this situation.

Me and my ex have a DD who is 6 together and get on fairly okay for the most part but we do have our moments.

For DD's birthday and for christmas we go shopping for her gifts together and he comes to the house to watch her open them, everything is pretty amicable and he is a good dad.

He has been with his partner for over a year now, at first I found it very difficult especially as I knew of his partner before he got with her. She used to live with my best friend when they worked abroad together and I've heard not very good things about her and I was told these things before she got with my ex so of course I did make judgements based on the information I was given.

Anyway I got over all that, she spends quite a bit of time with my DD and she really likes her. All good. However, I haven't met her and I really at this point don't have a desire to. They've only been together a year this month, they don't live together and aren't married so I just don't see the need to meet her at the moment.

My ex has asked to half in for a swimming party for DD's birthday next month. I agreed. On the phone with ex this morning he mentioned that his partner will be there in the pool with the kids whilst I have to stay out of pool to greet parents and children. I told ex that I didn't feel comfortable with his partner being there and could she step back and they could do something desperately with DD. My ex wasn't happy about this and said he'd think about it. But I had better get used to her being around. The thing that upsets me is he didn't even ask if this would be alright for me. I already struggle with anxiety and meeting parents etc makes me nervous so would prefer to not have to meet his girlfriend on top of that.

So my question is, would I be unreasonable that if my ex insists his partner needs to be there, that I say that's fine but I'm not paying half. I'll step back and let this be there party for her and I will do something separate with my family and my DD?

I feel guilty as it would be nice if I could be there but at this point I just don't feel ready to meet her.

Thanks in advance

If you don't want to meet her full stop then you'll have to start doing things separately.

At some point, you'll both have new partners who are part of your DDs family.

Either you do things together and both accept new partners will be there and involved or coordinate your own celebrations

You sound like you're still hung up on your ex OP, a year isn't that short of a period of time and you really should meet her for your little girls sake. The party probably isn't the best first place though

I think you need to get over yourself and put your child first. She is the one will suffer from having to live two entirely separate and compartmentalised lives, and one day she will be aware that it is her mum who has created this separation.

FWIW, as an adult with divorced parents, I am truly at my happiest when both of my parents and their partners and all of my siblings are together. They all manage it fine, and every gets on great. My dad is good to my mums children from her later marriage, and it just works so nicely. You’re stopping your daughter having that.

You do need to remember that it is your DDs birthday and not yours. Surely the more the merrier when it comes to ensuring your DD and her friends are safe and happy on the day.

I've already posted but wanted to add that if you went ahead and wanted to be the one to get in the pool instead of ex's gf then of course you should do that. It's just that in your shoes I'd be very happy to get out of that bit and leave it to him. I hated pool parties when my DC were little and always delegated getting in the pool to my DH.

Please think carefully whether your loyalty to your friend is misguided. Yes, it sounds like she was hard done to by your ex's girlfriend. You say though that the gf is being getting on well with your daughter. She is a part of her life and your ex wants her at the birthday party. I'm guessing - most importantly though - your daughter would too.

If she is going to be in the water and you aren't you will barely have to actually interact with her.

You need to play the long game here I think. Why rock the boat with your ex and upset your daughter by starting down the path of separate parties etc. Loyalty to your friend is all very well but not giving this person a chance yourself could have a huge effect. You dont have to like her when you met but snubbing her takes this to a different level.

She is tied to this man pretty much forever, and it sounds like they are co-parenting really well at the moment, something like this is going to ruin that and make life very uncomfortable for the little girl.

I don't think that necessarily has to be the case.

Loads of separated parents have separate birthdays and Christmases and yet are still perfectly friendly to each other when they do meet at handovers and drop-offs, so there is no discomfort for the children at all.

I think in a situation with close co-parenting - which OP's situation has been so far, with joint shopping for presents etc - then all parties need to be on board and comfortable with it. Clearly that isn't the case here and so it shouldn't be forced.

Kids pick up on a lot and it would worse for this little girl if she picks up on the vibe that her mum isn't comfortable with her dad's girlfriend.

You're absolutely being unreasonable.

I understand it's not a natural or easy thing to meet your ex's partner, but the longer you leave it the more awkward it will be for you, and what if they're together for a long time?

What will you do about your daughter's next birthday? Her graduation? Her wedding? You're going to create a perception of yourself as the unco-operative baby mama with your ex, and that perception could impact how your daughter sees you, even if your ex doesn't openly say it in front of her. Kids are perceptive.

If you refuse to meet her and don't let your ex have his partner involved in things, you're just being awkward tbh. You don't need to be this woman's best friend, you don't need to go for coffee or spend any time alone with her at all, but you all need to be civil to each other on this sort of special occasion for your daughter's sake.

theyve been together a year, ys dont live tgether but sure she stays the night and obv goes out with them

dd likes her and she is nice to dd

what more do you want

i would want to meet the lady my daughter may be having as a step mum

yes may not end up together but they sound serious

so either you stop joint bdays/mas and dd has 2 - yours and his

or you meet and stop being silly

and

tbh anyone doing a swim party for 5/6yr is mad

if she wants to get wet, while you stay dry, then let her :)

Do you have a partner OP? Has your ex met them or do they go to your DD's parties?

Sounds to me as if you’re not over your ex. He’s with someone else. She has a relationship with your DD, and she will be going to the party to help out. I don’t see the big deal tbh, especially as you’ve said you never want to meet her ever.

Why does meeting the new partner need to be this big thing anyway? You and the ex aren’t together, so whether he does or doesn’t have a new partner is inconsequential, surely?

FWIW I met my ex’s partner at my DS’ birthday party. The worst of it for me was that he brought her over and said “well would you like to say hello?” As if I am a child. but that had to do with him and not her. She spoke to me and my DP while he sulked in the background. Since then things have moved on and she has turned out to be a fairly unpleasant individual, but regardless of that we weren’t together at the time he introduced her to me, I had no desire to get back with him, so who he was or wasn’t dating had no impact on me.

And generally at birthday parties children are concentrating on the party, y’know? This whole family/parents/new partners thing is irrelevant to the kids. People are there, or they’re not. The kids don’t really care, esp as your DD already knows her. It’s not as if it’s your DD who will be meeting her for the first time..

I think you need to be a little more mature about all this. When GF knows you don't want her there the inevitable 'meet up' between you will be even more awkward. Put your child first and absolutely don't back out of paying your share of the party. You are the adult.

OP you admit you don’t think a pool party is a good idea so just tell your ex you’ve reconsidered the idea and do not want to be involved for various reasons including the fact that it is not age appropriate.
Then plan something with your own family and friends for DD.
It’s unlikely you can dodge a meeting with the GF forever so arrange a brief encounter at a time of your own choosing, maybe at handover etc. Some occasion when you can just say hello and goodbye.
Good luck

I have been a step mum, and I get your feelings. I don’t think your daughters birthday party is the right time to meet his gf, very insensitive!

I’d keep saying that, and just be firm.

However you will have to meet her at some point. Even though a friend of mine has never met the mother of her step kids! Two of them live with her too!

You are being so, so unreasonable.

Take it from a daughter of someone like you. My mother refused to meet my Dads partner. Same sort of non reason. They divorced when I was five, new partner came on the scene when I was ten/eleven. She always, always refused and was super awkward and confrontational about it. Dads partner was always lovely to me and my brother we had no issue with her and spent whole weekends with them regularly.

Every birthday party, separate. Every exam celebration. Every Christmas. Every single family event big or small, for me and my brother was tainted because my mother refused to be in the same room as my Stepmother (which she ended up being when I was fifteen, and after she'd had a child with my father). Don't think small children don't notice. They do.

It all came to a head when I became a mother myself and had my baby Christened. I invited my stepmother and told my mother that if she didn't like it then not to come. She kicked off, I ignored and repeated over and over.

Surprise, surprise she came. And behaved herself. I was not going to allow my children's lives to be affected by her nonsense like mine had been. Now every single event for my children is joint, they both come and they are both civil and fine.

But it took a lot to stand up and change this behaviour and I'll always feel resentful about it: So for your daughters sake, please, get a grip, put your own feelings to the side and suck this one up.

YABU this person spends a lot of time with your DD and you don't know her!
You need to get over your feelings and get to know her and vet her for your daughters sake.
If someone is a big part in my child's life then I need to know everything about them my own feelings have nothing to do with it.

You are BU. I am split from my DS's dad and he has a DP so I have been through. You have to put your own feelings aside sometimes.

Sorry, but I think you need to consider what's best for your daughter above your own hurt feelings.
She's 50% his daughter so if he wants his partner at the jointly organised birthday party, I don't see that you've got much choice unless you want to be seen as a bitter ex.

You are being unreasonable and you know it, but I do think that, if anxiety over meeting people is one of the issues, plus what you heard about her, you should meet her before the party, preferably in neutral ground.

wherewego

You've pretty much acknowledged that this really isn't about it being a swimming party. You would feel the same if it was Build a Bear or a play centre party. You don't want to meet this woman and you don't want her at any party that you are also at.

I think you are unreasonable in that view but clearly you are not open to that idea. I do understand thta feelings can be very difficult to predict or control. But we do have control over how we act.

The only option you have is to end the whole joint party thing.

There are no extenuating circumstances that I can see that would justify you banning your ex's DP. They have been together for a year, your DD spends time with her and likes her, and they didn't get together until 3 years after you split.

“Even if I meet her and think she’s an awful person it won’t change my exes mind so what difference will it make”

You are looking at this in a very strange way. Why would you even think about changing his mind about her.

It will however make the world of difference to your child who has already been through a lot. Your ex’s partner will likely become a major part of her life, do you not see that it’s at least some benefit to her that you have a some kind of relationship with her, it just makes life easier and less confusing for DD. Put yourself in DD’s head, what do you think she makes of mum refusing to even meet her? It’s weird, particularly given there seems to be zero back story other than you knew of her from before and heard bad things. I can assure you she’s probably heard bad things (and good) about you,

And as for the refusing to pay for half of it if she’s there. Just petty.

My ex has asked to half in for a swimming party for DD's birthday next month&

then YABU unfortunately.
You can ask your ex not to bring anyone when you invite him to something you host for your child, but you can't tell him what to do when he co-host.

Wouldn't you invite your new partner to the kids birthday parties you organise?

would I be unreasonable that if my ex insists his partner needs to be there, that I say that's fine but I'm not paying half
completely unreasonable

If you get on well with your ex, she gets on well with your kids, it is BU to start messing things up. People don't have to get married nowadays, she might never become an official mother in law but if she stays in their life, it's unreasonable to keep her away from birthdays, schools events etc.

I think yabu. I agree with pp you still sound hung up on your ex.
I think you are letting these feelings get in the way.
Relationships with exs are all different some have parties together some not, you sound like you have a fairly close relationship for exs going out shopping for presents together amd spending time with each other with your dd. If you want to maintain that alienating the girlfriend isnt the way to do things.
Be nice and welcome her in. After all she is nice to your dd. Things could be worse.

I think people have clearly expressed their opinions, YABU.

This is your DD birthday party, it should be able what makes her happy. Now if you ask her outright if she wants the girlfriend there she may well say no through fear of upsetting you. That is not fair to put that pressure on a 6 year old.

You've already said they get along really well so she would clearly like the girlfriend there.

This is all your own insecurities here OP. You need to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your DD.

Would you honestly prefer to be in the water with the kids? The girlfriend is probably doing that to be kept out of the way. I am 'the girlfriend' and I've been to my DP DC birthday parties and I assure you it is so uncomfortable.

We are not there to be centre of attention, we are there because we care about the DC. Please just wise up and do what's right for your child.

mytinyfiredancers Great post.