To not want my exes partner at my child's birthday party?

[wherewego]

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I'm looking for some impartial advice on this situation.

Me and my ex have a DD who is 6 together and get on fairly okay for the most part but we do have our moments.

For DD's birthday and for christmas we go shopping for her gifts together and he comes to the house to watch her open them, everything is pretty amicable and he is a good dad.

He has been with his partner for over a year now, at first I found it very difficult especially as I knew of his partner before he got with her. She used to live with my best friend when they worked abroad together and I've heard not very good things about her and I was told these things before she got with my ex so of course I did make judgements based on the information I was given.

Anyway I got over all that, she spends quite a bit of time with my DD and she really likes her. All good. However, I haven't met her and I really at this point don't have a desire to. They've only been together a year this month, they don't live together and aren't married so I just don't see the need to meet her at the moment.

My ex has asked to half in for a swimming party for DD's birthday next month. I agreed. On the phone with ex this morning he mentioned that his partner will be there in the pool with the kids whilst I have to stay out of pool to greet parents and children. I told ex that I didn't feel comfortable with his partner being there and could she step back and they could do something desperately with DD. My ex wasn't happy about this and said he'd think about it. But I had better get used to her being around. The thing that upsets me is he didn't even ask if this would be alright for me. I already struggle with anxiety and meeting parents etc makes me nervous so would prefer to not have to meet his girlfriend on top of that.

So my question is, would I be unreasonable that if my ex insists his partner needs to be there, that I say that's fine but I'm not paying half. I'll step back and let this be there party for her and I will do something separate with my family and my DD?

I feel guilty as it would be nice if I could be there but at this point I just don't feel ready to meet her.

Thanks in advance

Whenever i hear a parent making excuses as to why they won't/don't meet the ex's partner like this, i think to myself just how selfish and immature that attitude is.
This woman is IN your dc's life, they spend time together - i'd want to meet and know the new partner who's spending time and building a relationship with my child - irrespective of my personal feelings towards them.
On one hand it's all "i care about my dc" but in the same breath it's "i don't give two shits about who this person is that's building a relationshiop with my child".

But it seemed like he was insistent that it be his partner
He obviously takes his relationship seriously and wants to start involving his partner more in his dc's life.
Nothing wrong with that.
Choosing to do it without ensuring that you've met his partner beforehand is wrong.
Choosing to 'gatecrash' your dc's party to assert his 'right' is wrong.

You both need to adult-up and handle this transition in a more mature manner.

Let's assume they stay together, move in, maybe get married, and that she is an involved step parent to your DD. At some point you will have to meet her! Unless you plan to kick up a fuss every time there is an occasion when your DD would like to have both of you present. Another poster mentioned your DD's wedding, OK that is a long time into the future, but there will be lots of events before then when your DD will want both you and her Dad present, and her Dad will understandably want to bring his partner.

Maybe you really aren't ready to cope with this yet, in which case fair enough as it is still fairly early in their relationship. BUT you can't keep doing that or it will be so awkward for your DD as she grows up. You'll have to bite the bullet at some point. Maybe this would be a good opportunity?

So his girlfriend is going to get in her swim suit and have fun splashing in the water while who explain to the other parents who the fuck that is?

No, don’t pay half. Don’t be there.

He can pay for the entire thing if his girlfriend is going to take centre stage. Seems like they’ve already discussed it amongst themselves.

Wow how nasty is this?!?!

I very much doubt that this new girlfriend wants to spend her weekend in a swimming pool with a load of 6-year-olds...she is doing this as her partner has presumably asked her to help out and she wants OP's daughter to have a nice party! Not because she wants to be 'centre stage'.

Obviously she's better in the pool with the kids, her partner and his brother than standing on the side greeting parents when she's not the birthday girl's parent herself!

The thing is she is a now part of DDs life and whilst I appreciate it's all quite awkward the adults need to that aside for the good of the child. I'm an SM and also have my own DC. Me and DSSs mum have a fine but distant relationship. However, we always come together for big events. She was even at our wedding to see DSS be best man. If this was a new relationship I could see your point but you will need to meet her sometime. I definitely wouldn't meet for the first time at the party and if I was the gf then I certainly wouldn't want to meet the ex in my swimwear!

honestly don't see it happening this year. Probably next year or the one after. Or once she's older. Or maybe before the wedding. No definately before the babies come. Possibly.

while who explain to the other parents who the fuck that is? hi Mandy, yeah jump right in Sandy. Molly is already in the pool with her Daddy, his partner and his brother.

What exactly do you think will happen?? The parents will pass out from the shock of a grown up being in a relationship? She isn't a prostitute he's hired, she isn't the 16th gf this year, she isn't the resident whore of the baths!

OP just look after yourself and your daughter as your ex is no doubt going to concentrate on his relationship regardless of your feelings. You will do your daughter the best service by feeling mentally well and having a great birthday with her. So if it means you bail on this one and arrange your own, that’s fine.

I think you're being a bit silly. This is someone in your ex's life, who he sounds serious about, that your daughter has met and likes. Why on earth don't you make the effort and meet her, build a semblance of a relationship, rather than building up walls and issues right from the start, creating problems? She's never going to be your daughter's mum, you will always be that, but surely you want her to like and care about your daughter rather than resent her? Isn't it better that your daughter has a good time with her dad surrounded by people that love her.

Sadly perhaps it's time that you no longer share parties and celebrate her birthday separately.

I get it OP. I'd say no.

About 2 weeks after me & ex broke up, he wanted to take our boys (6 and 2 at the time) swimming with his ex gf (yes very weird, and yes I think something was definitely going on) I went mad. I mean he had just walked out and left me penniless with them too so I wasn't in the most compromising of moods..... but, In a pool, being handled by a stranger they don't know whilst half naked. Changing rooms... I was just really uncomfortable with it. I probably still would be to be honest I just don't think it's appropriate until they know someone really well.

He said he'd be fine if I introduced them to a new bloke the same way!

Saying you don't want to meet her at all is very unreasonable!
You need to take a deep breath, meet up with her beforehand and move on. As for the party, it sounds like it's her DFs idea and he's making all the arrangements, so actually if you're not happy with it it should be upyou that backs out. Your DD will probably already know about the arrangements and will be very upset if you or her dfs girlfriend doesn't go. It's all about her, not you.

I think that if you want the amicable relationship with you ex to continue, where you share parties (and the expense), then you have to accept his partner being at some events. She likes your child and is kind to her and really that's the important thing.
Don't back out of the party and let him take over - it was your idea in the first place.
A party is actually a good time to meet her since you will both be busy and have other distractions so it won't be an awkward meeting in a coffee shop.

Ahhh ffs sorry must pay more attention.... I thought your DD didn't know her very well.

Much different that she spends a lot of time with her and they already have a bond.

I'd be fine with it in this case.

But the way I look at it is, even if I meet her and completely can't stand her and think she's an awful person, it won't change my exes opinion or feelings for her so what difference will it make

You are totally right that you possibly not liking your ex's girlfriend, will not change his opinion or feelings for her. But it's an odd thing for you to say, and seems to completely miss the point about why it would be good for your daughter to see that you can be in the same room and at the same events etc etc.
'The difference it makes' is that your DD's long term emotional health and well being would be best served by the adults in her life being able to communicate and socialise effectively when required. As pps have pointed out, there will be loads of times in the future where it will be much better and less fraught for all concerned, if the adults can be in each other's presence. It won't get any easier to put it off, and in fact is likely to become harder for you the longer you put it off.
No one's asking you to be best friends with her- you just need to be mutually polite and respectful.

Remember who's caught in the middle of all this and whose birthday it is.

You're an adult and a parent. You need to do the mature thing and put your daughter before your own unreasonable (as you've admitted) feelings.

He should have asked first but they've been together a year and your DD has met her and likes her, so I think you should suck it up and be a grown-up about meeting her

Yeah, I gave up being adult and sucking things up, since I was the only one doing it. Being adult and sucking things up gets you walked all over. If you don't feel comfortable, don't share the cost and don't go.

I think YABU and need to put your daughter first.
It is so much nicer for children involved when the adults in their life can behave like, well, adults.

It sounds like your ex is serious about this relationship, maybe they will marry or have children and it would be much better for your DD if you're all able to be civil.

You don't have to like the woman, just be polite to her. It's good that she's fond of your DD, surely being civil to her is not beyond you?

Whenever i hear a parent making excuses as to why they won't/don't meet the ex's partner like this, i think to myself just how selfish and immature that attitude is.

It must be wonderful to be such a cool well-balanced person that you can pass judgement on others.

Agree with others that say this Isnt about you.

I have a DSD who, when a little older than yours, went through a stage of being in floods of tears very regularly. The school got involved and the root of it was that she felt guilty having fun with me when she wasn't with her mum and same for her dad and step dad.

One of the things that her helped her massively is demonstrating that I have a good relationship with her mum. We make a point of chatting at pick ups etc.

If your DD sees you actively avoiding meeting her potential step mum she will have similar feelings.

But the way I look at it is, even if I meet her and completely can't stand her and think she's an awful person, it won't change my exes opinion or feelings for her so what difference will it make

You’re missing the point (purposely?) - the meeting is not so that you can make a judgment on her and decide whether she’s the sort of person you want your ex to date - of course you don’t get a say in that .

The point of the meeting is so that on occasions such as your DD’s birthday, all the adults who love her and are involved in her life can be there without a horrid atmosphere.

Fine, this might not be the occasion for that, but at some point for your DD’s sake you should make the effort, even if just at pick-up to say hi to her and show your DD that there’s nothing to feel awkward about.

FWIW I met DP’s ex early on, I didn’t really see the point but she was adamant that she should meet me so I saw her at his house one evening when she popped in. I don’t particularly want to spend time with her, we’re not friends or anything, but at a birthday party or Xmas get together when she’ll be there and so will I we have a polite chat and there’s nothing weird about it.

I agree about being in swimsuits not being the ideal time to meet a new GF or ex but if she’s not bothered about it, there’s no real reason for you to be.

And re the gifts, be prepared to stop the cosy coupley shopping and for your ex to buy gifts from him and his GF in future. While it works now, as a long term thing it makes more sense for you and ex to separate the gift buying too.

I know this might be a superficial point but imagine knowing that the first time you'll meet your boyfriend's ex - the mother of his child - you'll be in a swimsuit.

She must be pretty sure of herself.

The issue is I just don't want to meet her full stop 😬.
You're being selfish and unreasonable.

This is a woman who has been a stable part of your child's life, who has slotted in with your existing co-parenting relationship (no drama about him coming over at Christmas or birthday), she's willing to spend her weekend supervising a bunch of kids at a swimming party because it matters to her DP and his daughter, and your daughter likes her.

I'm afraid you need to suck it up.

Otherwise there'll be endles drama and conflict. What happens if they get married? Will you accept it then? What about for birthday parties as DC gets older? What about if they have a child together and want to have DC round theirs Christmas morning with their half siblings, will that be allowed or not?

You don't have to be best friends, but you do have to be grown up enough to get over it and be civil and friendly for your child's sake.

So have I got this right? Ex picked the party, decided his family would be the adults in the water playing with the kids, you get to pay half and just say hello to people.
Maybe it's time to both do your own thing for DD's birthday. Shes could well be confused/overwhelmed by having mum, dad and dad's girlfriend all there.

Yeah, I gave up being adult and sucking things up, since I was the only one doing it. Being adult and sucking things up gets you walked all over. If you don't feel comfortable, don't share the cost and don't go.

Yes but fortunately the OP isn't in your situation...

For DD's birthday and for christmas we go shopping for her gifts together and he comes to the house to watch her open them, everything is pretty amicable and he is a good dad.

They obviously both do that for their daughter.

I think that your daughter's pool party in front of all the parents of your daughter's friends who you probably know better than your partner or his GF is a very public place to have these first meetings. She is probably dreading it more than you do.
Also I don't think you should be forced into things as that will only cause resentment.
The good thing is that you've said your daughter likes her and she's nice to DD. That's the thing to focus on.
Do you have to socialise with her for the first time at such a public event under the eye of the interested mums? I don't think that sounds like a great idea. A low key meet up would probably be better for all concerned. I don't think that him forcing the issue at the pool party is going to help your DD or your relationship with ex as a father and his partner. Added to that there is the extra pressure of this all going on whilst you are trying to make sure your DD enjoys her birthday. Children's parties can be stressful enough. He's being insensitive and using his party cash to force the issue.
If you feel uncomfortable, dont do it because people see it as a sacrifice people think you ought to make on behalf of your DD. There are other. less pressured options, to smooth out the situation. Don't be pushed into something you really feel anxious and uncomfortable about.

I think I know ur being unreasonable which is why u wrote the post. I think u should Put on ur big girl pants, suck up ur feelings and do what's best for ur little girl ensuring she has the best birthday she can.

I'm going to go against the grain and say I'm mostly on your side OP.

I think it's outright weird that he wants you to go half's on a party, but him & his new gf is going to be the ones that actually spend it with your daughter in the pool? So your only purpose there is to greet the parents that presumably he doesn't know. Weird.

You know you need to meet her, that's enough for now. You don't need to make a big thing of it at a birthday party. You can easily do your own parties and not feel completely pushed out by the two of them playing happy families with your daughter in front of your eyes (and with your cash).