To not want my exes partner at my child's birthday party?

[wherewego]

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I'm looking for some impartial advice on this situation.

Me and my ex have a DD who is 6 together and get on fairly okay for the most part but we do have our moments.

For DD's birthday and for christmas we go shopping for her gifts together and he comes to the house to watch her open them, everything is pretty amicable and he is a good dad.

He has been with his partner for over a year now, at first I found it very difficult especially as I knew of his partner before he got with her. She used to live with my best friend when they worked abroad together and I've heard not very good things about her and I was told these things before she got with my ex so of course I did make judgements based on the information I was given.

Anyway I got over all that, she spends quite a bit of time with my DD and she really likes her. All good. However, I haven't met her and I really at this point don't have a desire to. They've only been together a year this month, they don't live together and aren't married so I just don't see the need to meet her at the moment.

My ex has asked to half in for a swimming party for DD's birthday next month. I agreed. On the phone with ex this morning he mentioned that his partner will be there in the pool with the kids whilst I have to stay out of pool to greet parents and children. I told ex that I didn't feel comfortable with his partner being there and could she step back and they could do something desperately with DD. My ex wasn't happy about this and said he'd think about it. But I had better get used to her being around. The thing that upsets me is he didn't even ask if this would be alright for me. I already struggle with anxiety and meeting parents etc makes me nervous so would prefer to not have to meet his girlfriend on top of that.

So my question is, would I be unreasonable that if my ex insists his partner needs to be there, that I say that's fine but I'm not paying half. I'll step back and let this be there party for her and I will do something separate with my family and my DD?

I feel guilty as it would be nice if I could be there but at this point I just don't feel ready to meet her.

Thanks in advance

Ex picked the party, decided his family would be the adults in the water playing with the kids, you get to pay half and just say hello to people.

Yup. But the OP is the one in the wrong. 🙄

I gave up being a martyr once my marriage ended. It's great that the OP's daughter gets on with the GF, but honestly there's no requirement for the OP to be involved. Let them have their separate birthday, which they've arranged to suit themselves, and have your own birthday party for your daughter.

I'd also be really suspicious about the swimsuit thing, now that squeaver has drawn attention to it 🤔

I think his girlfriend is very confident, yes.

I can understand how you feel, but I’d say look, flip this on its head.

A swimming party is the absolute perfect time to ‘meet’ but not need to engage. She’ll be in the pool & you’ll be nice and dry with your hair done and make up intact on the poolside! Then it’ll be really busy with loads of people there and your supervising tea etc - no time for much chat and people around to dilute it. Get your Mum or friends onside to run interference if necessary.

Then once it’s out of the way you won’t need to do it again particularly and no one can accuse you of being difficult.

So have I got this right? Ex picked the party, decided his family would be the adults in the water playing with the kids, you get to pay half and just say hello to people.
He can't win either way on here with some. If he decided to do his own thing and inform OP it was separate then he'd be a dick and controlling to some.
If he waits for OP to do something and offers to chip in then he'd be a dick and expecting her to do the wife work.

Maybe it's time to both do your own thing for DD's birthday. Shes could well be confused/overwhelmed by having mum, dad and dad's girlfriend all there.
She knows and likes all of them. It's hardly overwhelming unless someone goes on to place the idea of it being stressful and overwhelming in her child's head.

I think YABU, you're putting yourself and your feelings before your child.

Not saying your feelings aren't valid (but I couldn't get this worked up about it after all that time) but it's your daughter that matters here and she likes her.

Surely you should put your feelings aside for the child?

Why are you all automatically assuming that this is what the child wants ? It may not have even entered her head that new partner will be there ! It's not as if they live together and the little one is used to her being there all the time .
OP you are entitled to have these feelings - 100% .

It's great that the OP's daughter gets on with the GF, but honestly there's no requirement for the OP to be involved. Let them have their separate birthday, which they've arranged to suit themselves, and have your own birthday party for your daughter.

Yeah exactly, that's fine. Separate parties are great.

What's not reasonable is OP asking her ex to exclude his partner from the party so that she feels comfortable. Therefore her suggestion of doing separate parties is completely the right way to go.

I would want to go to this party if I was in OP's shoes either.

I'd also be really suspicious about the swimsuit thing, now that squeaver has drawn attention to it

Oh yes - what a way to meet !

Also, I’d bloody love a pool party for 5-6 year olds where I absolutely didn’t have to get wet or be responsible for other people’s kids! I’d be more than happy to pay half and stay dry and tootle off to decorate the tables and put the candles on the cake. DD will be busy having fun with her friends so not really missing out on quality fun time, in my opinion. But then I am a bit more of a birthday-parties-must-be-endured-not enjoyed so you may not feel the same I guess!

I totally understand how you feel and I wouldn’t like it either. It sounds as if your ex sprang it on you after you had agreed to the pool party. In future do separate things for birthdays but for now it looks as if your options are limited. As a pp has said you don’t have to bother about getting wet, be the charming hostess to the guests and let your ex and his crew do the water duties.

Op this party isn't about you, it's for your kid, and this woman may well be her step mother. She's clearly heavily involved with her. And it's her party.

I think you need to accept she will be there, as should you. Because it's your kids day not yours.

I also wondered if your jealous and that's why you don't want to see him and her together. You're clearly not over your relationship with him, and not meeting her is a way of avoiding facing up to the fact he's happy with someone else. As is the way you minimise their relationship.

@Bluntness100 100 percent not jealous of their relationship. Completely over him.

@Bluntness100 he begged me for years to get back together, I was not interested.

I also wondered if your jealous and that's why you don't want to see him and her together. You're clearly not over your relationship with him, and not meeting her is a way of avoiding facing up to the fact he's happy with someone else.

I think it's just an awkward situation, I don't think anyone wants to hang around with their ex and his new partner. I wouldn't want to.

I also wondered if your jealous and that's why you don't want to see him and her together. You're clearly not over your relationship with him, and not meeting her is a way of avoiding facing up to the fact he's happy with someone else. As is the way you minimise their relationship.

God forbid the OP should think about herself. All mothers and ex-wives should be fucking martyrs. 😂 Honestagod some women seem to revel in sacrificing themselves, denying their feelings, and trying to police other women who might dare to put themselves first.

This is your problem, no one else's. You still like doing things as a couple, but you're no longer with him. He has moved on with a woman who sounds quite pleasant.

Your ex's partner will be nervous about meeting you too. A party environment where you're all busy sounds perfect, as it's not forced and you don't have to stand around making pleasantries.

If you're completely over him, then what's the problem?

@MrsMaiselsMuff I've clearly stated my problem....

I don't think you're being unreasonable either. He seems to have set the whole agenda, told you what part you can play and expected you to pay half. His show, your money.

Personally I think you have to think about the child and act as the adult. You have to accept some uncomfortableness and by accepting her, someone your DD likes and whom your ex has been with a while, is doing the best for your child. It also makes sense to have more adults available to supervise.

If you would prefer to meet her first, thats a fair enough request too.

I think you need to decide at this point how you want to operate now that one of you has a 'serious' partner. I use that term lightly as I don't think a year is very long for them to have been together. At this point is your Ex still going to come round for present opening etc or do you need to have things more separate than that? DD has a separate celebration with each of you and your own families/new partners or join it together and it then involves everyone. What you do now is probably going to set a president for future birthdays and Christmas's so you probably need to think beyond this event. You also need to be realistic about things - if the boot were on the other foot and you had a partner how much would you expect to be able to involve them in things like this?

Why don't you arrange to meet her before? He has been with her for over a year, your DD likes her, so she can't be some kind of monster. Arrange for them to come round for dinner and have a chat with her, that will put you both at ease and not make DD's birthday into a big "thing" about the adults. It should be a fun day with no tension, meet her beforehand.

I don't think anyone wants to hang around with their ex and his new partner
Except its the father of her child and potentially the step mum.
She is tied to this man pretty much forever, and it sounds like they are co-parenting really well at the moment, something like this is going to ruin that and make life very uncomfortable for the little girl.

OP, invite your family, let a few know you are uncomfy and ask them to run interference throughout the day.
The gf will take a backseat anyway, and the birthday girls mother and father can celebrate with her.

All mothers and ex-wives should be fucking martyrs. 😂
Nobody has said that.
It's not marrying yourself to develop a civil relationship with your ex's long term partner who already gets on well with your child and your child has a positive relationship with.
The OP Has said they simply don't want to meet her. That is selfish.

Honestagod some women seem to revel in sacrificing themselves, denying their feelings, and trying to police other women who might dare to put themselves first.
Putting petty feelings like "I don't see why I should meet someone who is actively involved in my child's life" ahead of what is in the best interests of the child is absolutely the sort of thing people will call out.
Nobody is expecting grand sacrifices. They're saying the adults in a child's life have a responsibility to have an amicable and civil relationship.

If some women think their desire to mope on their own and behave in a way that will build awkward tension (such as refusing to meet relevant adults) comes before their child seeing healthy adult relationships then that's their problem.

So if you was dating a man for a year, you wouldnt have him at her party?

I think ur being unreasonable.

If your daughter likes her, dont make it a thing