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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have a list of deal breakers? JUST FOR FUN!

157 replies

Pennypringles · 23/09/2019 08:35

I'm very recently single so not anywhere near ready to mingle. I'm 48 and know what I want though. Thinking far into future dating any potential partner would have to meet certain criteria (my kids obviously) and certain things would be deal breakers. I couldn't date a racist for example. Probably not a smoker. I'd need to know their politics and views on Brexit 🤣
Just for fun what would your deal breakers be?
What questions would you ask?
It's all sounding a bit Rosie Project!

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 23/09/2019 17:35

when you all say "gamer", do you mean someone who plays incessantly?

or would you also include someone who perhaps plays Xbox a couple of times a week, for a couple of hours after you've gone to bed (so it doesn't encroach on your time together)?

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 23/09/2019 17:46

@boujie may I PM you?

SerenDippitty · 23/09/2019 17:47

Dislike of dogs/cats
Lack of sense of humour
Smoker
Lager drinker
Lack of respect towards people in customer/public facing roles
Lack of interest in sport
Lack of intellect!
Right wing politics
Overbearingness
Moodiness

Damntheman · 23/09/2019 17:50

@DiscontinuedModelHusband people here are really weird about adults who play games. Don't take it personally! I assume they've just had some bad experiences with people who can't balance and don't prioritise properly. The gamers I know are all intelligent, fun and very social!

Oysterbabe · 23/09/2019 18:17

Fussy eater, won't touch vegetables and basically eats like a toddler.

T42please · 23/09/2019 18:32

Meteosexual or beta male
Not sexually assertive and wants to experiment
Not super smart and quick witted
Not have that special thing about them
Not great eyes - eyes are window to the soul
Not ambitious
Rude to service staff
Doesn't like sport
Only eats meat and 3 veg
Doesn't like culture and travel
Comes from a culture where men dominant

If dh and I divorce I'm screwed 😂

T42please · 23/09/2019 18:35

Very left wing or very pro unions
Smoking
Unsocial

boujie · 23/09/2019 18:44

@MyGhastIsFlabbered of course

Wizzbangpop · 23/09/2019 18:46

Alcoholic
Tee totaler
Over religious
High sex drive
Dislike of animals
Birthday nr mine
Vegan/ vegetarian
Bad taste in movies music
Can’t drive

Decent job
Ideally no kids
Get my v strange family
Good family values
Live close to me - done long distance never again
Aged between 27&34

No wonder I’m single

boujie · 23/09/2019 18:47

@DiscontinuedModelHusband yeah, I definitely mean someone who plays constantly. I don't play myself which is also a factor - I know lots of happy couples where both are gamers, so as long as there isn't a mismatch I think it's fine.

AngryFeminist · 23/09/2019 18:57
  • Emotionally unintelligent
- More focused on external markers of success than internal contentment (was with someone who was always bothered about what we 'should' be doing cos everyone else was, rather than deciding what actually worked for us and then doing that) - Unable to show vulnerability - Needs house to be super tidy at all times - Very appearance-focussed - Is put off by the idea of an evening spent in challenging, funny, quick-fire debate fuelled by some really nice red wine - More into gestures of love than the everyday, continued kindness respect and support.

I really love my husband!

DelphiniumBlue · 23/09/2019 18:57

I'd be looking for someone whose life is not built around alcohol. The odd drink is fine, but drinks after work every night? In the pub every weekend?
I'd also avoid men who watch football or any sport, actually, possibly excepting Wimbledon and the Olympics.
I'd be checking for solid relationships with family or friends, and for kindness and politeness to random strangers, especially shop staff and waiters.
I'd be asking which charities they support and look to see how involved they are in community issues - do they have a conscience ?
I'd be wanting a reader and someone interested in the world around them.

BenjaminH · 23/09/2019 19:01

Deal Breakers...

owns a horse
Someone who would describe themselves on a dating profile as an Animal Lover.
Definitely Facial Hair
Over Weight
Heavy Drinker
Drug Taker
Poor Hygiene
Lots of Friends
Better at Scrabble than me
Doesn't like Scrabble
Less intelligent than myself
Can't cook
Wants kids
a murderer
Doesn't like sex
Overly Pierced
Not willing to experiment in the bed room
someone who 'travels'.... (oh you've been to all these very interesting places have you. well how come your still such a boring.....)

So one who rejects the following:

Eating Meat (get over yourself)
Low Paid (suggests you are interested in someone else's money, when its feck all to do with you.)
Non-Tipper (ill tip if service is good, I wont tip in a Toby fecking carvery, its self service you pee n' eye.)
Clinginess

I think that covers a few bases.

PooWillyBumBum · 23/09/2019 19:16

Dealbreakers:

Unkind, to anyone or anything, ever - my DH is the kindest person I’ve ever met and has ruined me for anyone with even a slight temper!
Someone without a proper pension fund/financial plan
Overweight
Fussy eaters (though vegan fine!)
Anyone who watches TV or “games” more than 7hrs a week
Someone who drives everywhere, when able to walk/cycle
Someone who doesn’t love learning/discovering - general lack of curiosity
Bad teeth
People who drink in pubs full of Union Jack flags and Sky Sports and Fosters
Homophobic/racist/sexist
Unwilling to pull weight domestically
Lazy in bed

SherbetSaucer · 23/09/2019 19:16

My Deal-Breakers

  • Smoker/drug use/excessive drinking
  • Poor personal hygiene
  • Overweight or skinny
  • Has or wants children
  • No sense of humour
  • Irresponsible with money
  • Sexist/misogynist/racist etc
  • Dislikes animals
  • Tattoos
  • Lazy

What I’d look for if single (my DH to a tee)

  • Ridiculously handsome (tall, dark hair etc)
  • Pretty blue eyes
  • Great body (works out)
  • Highly intelligent
  • High earner
  • Great sense of humour
  • Vegan/Vegetarian (kind to animals)
  • Reliable but spontaneous/adventurous
  • Childfree for life (essential)
  • Great in bed (sexually dominant)

GrinGrinGrin

bluebellclose · 23/09/2019 19:23

Been with DH for 35 years, (both in our mid 50s,) and I think if my DH died (or we just split up) I could never be with anyone else at all.

I would struggle to tolerate anyone else.. All the irritating quirks and habits that DH has, I could never tolerate in someone else. I guess over the years, me and DH have developed a bond and a love for each other, and this strong bond and respect for each other, makes up for the little annoying traits, so they are are just par for the course.

But I couldn't tolerate them in a new man.

I also don't think anyone could tolerate me. Nor would I want them to. I would not want to compromise with anyone, or not be able to be myself.

I know it sounds awful, but I also couldn't be arsed with anyone else's extended family. I really couldn't. Mine and DH's parents (and grandparents) passed some years ago, and I did all the caring for the parents and in-laws (when they were infirm) a few years ago. And it was bloody hard (with having 2 kids, and a job on top!)

I also would not want a man with kids coz I couldn't be arsed with looking after them/having kids living with me. (And if his kids were grown, I couldn't be arsed with his grandkids.) My kids (now in their 20s,) left home a few years ago and live not far from me with their boyfriends, and as much as I love them, (and would never change a thing if I could go back in time,) I would not want to do it all again!

90% of the time it's just me, or just me and DH, or me and DH with the kids and their boyfriends. And this is the way I want it and the way I like it. I have several friends who I see every few weeks for a coffee and a chat, or a pub lunch, but apart from that, I cannot be arsed with anyone. DH's brother and my brother both live overseas and we only see them and their wife and kids once a year for a week or so. And that is enough.

Also, I go to Church now and again, but am not fully committed to the Church. So I wouldn't want a committed Christian, but also not an atheist.

Me and DH have had separate bedrooms for 6-7 years, and I definitely would not want to share a bed with any new man, OR a bedroom, and I wouldn't want sex either. I just cannot be arsed with sex with a new man.. I can't see any man in a new relationship tolerating no sex.

Also, although I like to go out with my DH sometimes (for day trips and meals out etc,) I like to spend long spells on my own, and go for walks on my own, and like to read, in peace, for hours on end, and do my writing too, and go out taking photographs. My DH understands all this and respects it, and he has his hobbies too.

I cannot see another (new) man in my life putting up with all this, No shagging, separate bedrooms, me wanting to be left alone to do my own thing quite often, me doing some of my work from home and not wanting to be bothered, me not wanting anything to do with his family, (or kids, parents, and grandparents etc,) and me not wanting to be groped and touched, and me not wanting to hear about HIS hobbies and interests.

Sound like a miserable anti-social twat do I?

Probably because I am. Couldn't be arsed with any fucker... OR their habits and idiosyncrasies, their hobbies and interests, or their family and friends...

I would rather be alone with the cats, and see my kids once a week for a few hours, and my mates every 4 or 5 weeks for a coffee, than have to tolerate a new man, his irritating habits, his family, and him talking about himself and what HE likes. Whilst dominating the TV, expecting a shag when he fancies it, and expecting me to cook for him, do his washing and ironing, and do the household chores and shopping.

Nah....... Fuck that!

Ronsters · 23/09/2019 19:45

Indifference to animal cruelty or suffering. Don't have to be an animal lover, just not indifferent.
Stingy, thrifty is fine but Scrooge is not.
Politics, not bothered what their opinions are (no extremists), as long as there is respect.
Impatient, aggressive driving.

Wizzbangpop · 23/09/2019 21:36

Alcoholic
Tee totaler
Over religious
High sex drive
Dislike of animals
Birthday nr mine
Vegan/ vegetarian
Bad taste in movies music
Can’t drive

Decent job
Ideally no kids
Get my v strange family
Good family values
Live close to me - done long distance never again
Aged between 27&34

No wonder I’m single

Letsdoanamechangeagain · 23/09/2019 21:56

I'm separated, and given my list of deal breakers... I'm sure I will forever remain single. But that's fine.

No thank you to:

Smokers
Beards
Excessive drinkers
Sport obsessed
Overweight
Inactive
No sense of humour
Extreme political views
Racists
Sexists
Wears Shoes without socks
Long fingernails
Poor personal hygiene
Non driver
Moaner/whinger
No "zest" for life

I'm fully aware I will forever remain single!

Symptomless · 23/09/2019 22:02

Ironing jeans would be a deal breaker for me.

OccidentalPurist · 24/09/2019 00:31

I'm trying to think of the positives here (sorry OP).

I'm happily married but if my DH suddenly left me my rules would probably be someone who:

Adores me, has a lot of self respect, is kind, loyal, and funny, emotionally intelligent and a bit of a pervert in bed.

I think that's it!

flirtygirl · 24/09/2019 00:53

bluebellclose I love your post.

SummerPlace · 24/09/2019 01:39

I posted this on a thread last week, so it's fresh in my mind. The scales fell from my eyes when my then boyfriend disparaged the old humour magazine, Punch (no longer published) – without even bothering to open it. I really loved Punch (and Monty Python - which he also disparaged)

I was quite young and didn't overtly realise the ways that one person can use to try to control another, and just thought it was a form of one-upmanship, but I realised that that was it for me.

GibbonLover · 24/09/2019 02:16

When people say 'good job', do they mean a job that is good for society, like nurse, teacher, police officer, firefighter or do they mean well paid?

My deal breakers (before I met DH) were:
Sun reader
Wants kids
Has kids (unless their mother is a reasonable woman)
Pro-life
Brexiter
Moaner
Right wing

Things like poor hygiene, bigotry, addiction are a given.

Mintjulia · 24/09/2019 02:41

My red lines are
Smoking, excessive drinking, poor personal hygiene, controlling personality, financial dishonesty, well any kind of dishonesty really.
To me, clean tidy, honest and kind seems a pretty basic and reasonable list but men who meet the basics seem to be an endangered species.

I have become a happy Singleton by default. Smile.

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