The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

[NOFUCKINGNOPE]

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio

Told me that it was his job to put me back in my place if he figured I was acting too up myself......was having a conversation with some regarding politics at the ti e, that he was bored by......

Ex DP got me into thousands of pounds debt (credit cards and overdraft), which he refused to pay back during the relationship because he “couldn’t afford to” but still expected me to continue lending him money for gadgets, nice clothes, nights out and to take us both on holidays. When I’d finally had enough and broke up with him, he said:

“You can’t leave me because of this. If you didn’t keep offering to lend me money then I couldn’t keep taking it, so this is all YOUR fault.”

He also claimed he had “no idea” the debts were a problem, despite me crying in front of him multiple times because I was worried sick. “Yeah, but I didn’t realise you were actually being serious.”

Oh, and he once lost his shit at me because he found one of my credit card bills which hadn’t been maxed out - apparently this meant I’d been “lying” when I’d told him I didn’t have any more money to lend him.

I asked my ex not to give our small ds so much salt as it can be harmful.
And he said “it’s Maldon sea salt, that won’t hurt him.”

Like the fact that it comes from Waitrose somehow stops it being sodium chloride.

And then there was the time I sent ex out for some dettol so I could put some in ds bath, after he’d fallen off his bike, and ex cane back with Toilet Duck.

And when he moaned about having to drive to see ds at the weekend, and said “it’s about time we shared the driving”
Errr, well yes, I do 10 school runs a week, doctor’s, dentist’s Shoe shopping, play dates, swimming lessons, sports days, school plays, parent’s evenings, He drives to us, and back on a Sunday.

I wonder what it’s like to live in his world !

Hah! Where to start. On not bothering to do anything on Mother’s Day when the kids were little “you’re not my mother” (classic), “you’re pretty in a boring way, but you’re not beautiful”, “I own half those kids”. He also, on moving to my country, asked me to explain our political parties (I was almost finished getting a degree in political science) & when I left the room he asked my roommate (who was studying chemistry). “Just in case you’d missed something”.

“Where did you get all those bruises?”

Not sure if the vicious twat actually couldn’t remember beating me up or if he was hoping that if he acted like he didn’t know, then I wouldn’t know either. Stupid fucker.

When our divorce was finalised he said he knew I didn't really mean it and we could get married again.

When I wanted him to pay more attention to our 4 year old son he said ....hed do so when son was 12 and he'd have more in common with him.

"you'll never be petite"

After about a year or two of going out (can't remember, it's a long time ago now). I'm 5'8", 6' in heels - I'll never be petite? No shit sherlock!

Your family are pigeon-eating, illiterate peasants.

You've got Satan inside you.

I'm not being an unpaid babysitter so you can go out whoring

You're a day, ugly cunt and no one else will ever want you.

I don't like them. They've had too much of your influence - seeing his own kids after a 10 year absence.

Cunt.

Forgot the champion prize winning cuntfuckery comment... after I'd lost a bit of weight and caught him out shagging his colleague..

What did you expect me to do? You look like a melted candle now.

Just remembered another one - "Yeah, I know I got you into loads of debt but it's not like I hit you or anything."

Strangely, my bar's set a bit higher than that...

After 16 years separation, ex contacted me to express sympathy on my mum passing.
He kept pushing for us to go for a coffee/ drink and I kept saying it wasn't a good idea. Days after the funeral, I went out with friends for a few hours before returning to tackle packing up my mum's house and processions. I had no mobile data. As soon as I got back in the house my phone was pinging away with messages.
I had no less than 60 messages in those few hours from the ex: I was a slag/ slut; giving blowjobs out in pub toilets; fat cunt; shagging everything; my kids will despise me and will go to live with him when they realise what I am; drop dead; Hope the rest of your family kill themselves....

I've been celibate for 7 years.
I've already lost a sister to suicide.
Our DC have been NC (their decision) for years since he broke the last court order. They're now young adults.
DC1 rolled eyes and said leopards don't change their spots. DC2 was mortified. DC3 wanted to go and find him and kill him.

*possessions

“You’re literally poison” - I’m literally not.

He told a number of people that I am a paranoid schizophrenic - utterly baseless bollocks.

Constantly harping on to everyone about how he’s short of money while living off £10,000 more than me & our 2 kids had to live off.

Got me fairly nervous about my ability to do everyday tasks like iron his shirts, make ya coffee etc as I “couldn’t even manage simple tasks”.

Not an ex yet but I am getting there. When I asked him what he thought would happen when I discovered his cheating.
" I thought you would never know and it would be my burden to live with ".

"Every month when you have a period, I feel resentful that you're not pregnant with my son"

I was 24, we'd been together a few months. Reader, I didn't marry him.

When I finally left him for throwing a hard object at my head (not the first time, not the worst thing he'd done)

'you were a boring ball and chain that held me back anyway'

Coming from the man (boy) who sat in his 3 day old boxers playing computer games every day whilst I went out to work to keep us alive.

Last I heard, he hasn't changed much either so I'm not entirely sure what I was holding him back from!

Yeah I did nick the song in Croydon. You're gonna have to prove it though. Regards, Lionel

‘It’s been a rough few months, I am drained I really need this holiday’
The above was said to me when I had a 6 week old baby, I had found out when I was 7 months pregnant he was cheating and had chucked him out of our flat. We tried to work things out when baby was born and were doing ok until I was hit with that line! I was still sore and extremely tired from doing everything on my own.

He went on holiday had a motor bike accident and was unable to fly home for 10 weeks!

That was the end for me, as soon as he stepped on that plane to go i vowed never to take him back and I kept to it!

You know how after you have been in a situation you think of the perfect come back?

Well when I was splitting with my ex somehow the perfect some back came out of my mouth.

Him: Why have you named OW in the divorce papers?
Me: Because she is pregnant (slight pause) but I suppose there is no guarantee it's yours.

He also made a comment about how my vagina felt to him and that the OW's was 'tighter'

Me: Well that's because of the operation, it was so slack from all the men she had to have it repaired.

Reader, he believed me, not only that he asked her about the op, but not until after he had asked a couple of her friends and some neighbours.

Some of these are truly awful, What a bunch of disgusting fuck wits.
I hope you all realise these men are as bad as each other and it's not you, it's just how these men work, to wear you down. If this post doesn't prove its them and not you, nothing will!
I hope karma gets the tossers!

I am sure I've blocked out a lot but I used to get told I'm fat and ugly. I was a size 12 and managed to get a few guys before him so can't have been too bad looking.

I was an embarrassment to him the time I had 2 vodkas and nearly passed out. Turns out I was pregnant and 1 drink to me pregnant is like 10 to anyone else and I end up comatose and throwing up.

"What you on about? You can't rape your own wife. I have a right to have sex with you whenever I want and you have to do it. I want it at least twice a day"

He told me he preferred sex with a condominium randomly through your marriage. Turns out that was when he was waiting on sti tests to come back after cheating on me with no condom.

The best one was after I dumped him i went to put fuel in the car to drive the 650 miles to collect my stuff from the marital home to find out there was no money in the account. I called him and he had gone to the bank at 9 am to withdraw the entire lot so I couldn't spend it or pay the bills because "you have your parents to pay for you and the kids I have no one." Nah mate out just have subsidised housing and good through the army, no bills because they are in my name, free transport to travel to see your family and kids and all the other perks of being a soldier while I had nothing, in homeless accommodation waiting on benefits and nothing to feed or clothe our kids ages 2 and 6 weeks.

The worst ones I think were when told me I had to have a c section because he didn't want anything to change "down there" and that the youngest isn't his. I wasnt allowed to go out or talk to anyone without his permission so when I cheated on him Ive no idea!!

He wanted a dna test but funnily enough when he was told he would have to pay for it he stopped engaging with the cms and made his new wife pay the £10 pm arrears payment due to him being unemployed. They owned their own business but cms are so useless they don't run a simple google check on feckless absent parents.

Not really an ex, but came to mind. A guy I'd met about 6 times through online dating over a few weeks. Said he'd been dating other people and decided to be exclusive with one, but we could still hang out. Lucky me eh! I was in two minds about carrying on with the negative grump anyway; he didn't like that I laughed "in his face", but we can't help our instinctive reactions and it was funny.

I only hit you when you do dangerous things so you will remember not to do them.....so it was for my own good.

That I was a hypocrite for voting yes to make abortion available in Ireland, despite not having an abortion the previous year when he wanted me to have one.

Yes, dickhead, I voted for every woman to have the right to CHOOSE, just like I made my own choice.

The morning after he raped me and I asked him why he did it - he said 'You can just add it to the list of things I've already done to you'