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Original poster

The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

505 replies

NOFUCKINGNOPE · 22/09/2019 18:34

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio Grin

OP posts:
scoobydoo87 · 23/09/2019 09:29

"You wouldn't be where you are today with out me and my hard work"

"I never worry you'll leave me I could do anything and you'd stay" (broke up with him the next day)

"I know I shouldn't call you names and I do feel bad after but you just make me so angry"

Original poster
NOFUCKINGNOPE · 23/09/2019 09:33

I'm trying to catch up with all these this morning.

Some are hilarious, I'm looking at you Lionel Ritchie thief.

Most though are absolutely awful and I'm sorry some of you have had to deal with these shits!

I often used to sit up at night and wonder how anyone's brain could work like his did. It was literally impossible for me to fathom how he even came up with this stuff and thought it was logical.

He had a way of just talking at me as well, for so long until I just accepted that it was me with the problem because I couldn't bear to listen anymore. Literally hours of just listening, not allowed to move, not allowed to look disinterested, always trying to make sure my face didn't show that I was actually drifting off. He would go on and on and was so convincing it was scary.

OP posts:
Original poster
NOFUCKINGNOPE · 23/09/2019 09:36

"I know I shouldn't call you names and I do feel bad after but you just make me so angry"

This reminds me of mine too.

I was regularly told that no one else made him this angry. He didn't hurt/push/throw things at other people so therefore it was obviously something I was doing and whilst he was sorry, it wouldn't happen if I just didn't make him so angry.

Found out after we split that his next girlfriend had the exact same problems and came to speak to me about it. Very sad actually because she was a lot younger than me at the time, I felt awful for her. Luckily he didn't get his claws in her for long.

OP posts:
Toofeckingtired · 23/09/2019 09:38

That it was my fault his girlfriend after me cheated on him, as I had the audacity to start dating again 6 months after I left him (apparently I had set a pattern of him choosing women who cheat).

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 23/09/2019 09:44

An ex of mine (lovely bloke, it just didn't work out and we were better friends) told me how his ex used to tell him it was his fault she had to hit him.

He was eventually pretty much forced to leave her or press charges by his family when someone noticed he was black and blue. He looked like he'd been in a car crash.

His ex used to tell him all the time that it was okay that she hit him, she was a woman. It's different when a man does it and her hitting him wasn't abuse.

Original poster
NOFUCKINGNOPE · 23/09/2019 09:47

Oh my god I forgot my favourite!!

Months after we split, I started seeing now DH. Ex used to like giving me shit still at random times. He'd blocked me on Facebook but would unblock me to give me a mouthful and then block me again.

Anyway, I got a huge long message one day about how I was making a mistake blah blah all very smug and at the bottom he put

'and no, you can't cheat on DHs name with me'.

Like sorry WHAT?! I'd literally ignored his hate mail for months, not even looked or breathed in his general direction for all that time and he was still convinced I'd end up coming back. Delusional.

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 23/09/2019 09:47

"Other women earn more than you and still prepare their husbands warm dinners."

That was after I told him that I want a divorce because I was sick of him trying to be a lazy gobshite who only saw himself, prepared for PhD by working almost part-time, watching telly, getting constant advice from his Mum on how to manage his marriage and making me to read his books, translate his stuff while I was trying to manage the household and my busy job where I was earning more than double his meagre salary.

Oh, I was also constantly tired and stressed out - I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia later on. He started a campaign to get me on disability but when I asked so who's going to earn more money and take care of any potential children we have I was told: You, of course, you can earn money by doing translations and giving language courses, I have my academic career to look after.
Strangely, he didn't mind me being tired and stressed out then.

What a selfish prick. I am so relieved he's firmly in the past.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/09/2019 09:48

So convinced that he was above all pop culture that he thought 'Lord of the Rings' was a jewellery heist movie...

Springhassprung11 · 23/09/2019 10:03

'Why don't men ever fancy women with ginger hair? I mean, obviously any normal man would prefer a blonde or brunette but why do they find ginger haired women so ugly?' (I have ginger hair).
'I have never seen a woman eat so much pizza, every woman I have been out with is so careful not to get fat'
So so many things to be honest. Put up with him for 4 months seeing him once a week. I have no idea why!

HamiltonBentley · 23/09/2019 10:26

He was also convinced that he wrote "Hello" and Lionel Richie had stolen it from his notebook at a party. I'm not an expert on Mr Richie's history but I'm reasonably sure he was never at a house party in Croydon.

Grin actually snorted

Original poster
NOFUCKINGNOPE · 23/09/2019 12:16

So convinced that he was above all pop culture that he thought 'Lord of the Rings' was a jewellery heist movie...

😂😂

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 23/09/2019 12:35

Ooh and "Women are either pretty or hot. And you're hot."

I hadn't asked anything...

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 23/09/2019 12:48

You know how after you have been in a situation you think of the perfect come back?

The French have a great phrase for this l'esprit d'escalier - the spirit of the stairs..... or when you think of what you should have said after you've stomped out of the room.

Sashh I'd love to have seen the look on your ex's face after you said that.

Floofsquidge · 23/09/2019 12:55

That after years of being in an emotionally abusive relationship and a half hearted Relate course of counselling, the only reason reason I could possibly have for leaving him is a mid life crisis. I was 11 years younger than him, earned more than him, paid 75% of the mortgage & bills and had been left with zero confidence. As I walked out the door he moaned about how he was banking on me being his pension plan! Tosser.

Pulipatchouli · 23/09/2019 13:55

Your moles are getting bigger.

You are getting taller. You are too tall.

tympanic · 23/09/2019 13:59

A previous partner in a LTR who used to belittle me on a regular basis said I wasn't as intelligent as he was, but that it was okay because I was "quite intellectual" (only because I went to university). He used to say this in front of his family members so clearly thought nothing wrong of it. Sadly, none of them piped up on my behalf so perhaps they didn't either.

Another ex tried to have sex with me after we had broken up. My grandfather had just died and I was very sad. I said no. He called me a "bitch". That was about 20 years ago. He's done very little with his life since then. This "bitch" however....

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/09/2019 14:00

On the day I left him: 'you'll never meet anyone better than me' (I did, and I've remarried. He wasn't exactly a hard act to follow).

If I ever swore at him: 'you're just a common fishwife'

Fucking hate the test.

tympanic · 23/09/2019 14:03

Oh, and another ex called me "putrid" for accusing him of cheating on me with his ex. "Putrid"?! I was stumped. He was, of course, cheating with his ex.

tympanic · 23/09/2019 14:14

Can't believe I forgot this one. One ex contacted me to tell me he had chlamydia. He said he was taking the high road and letting me know so I could inform "all the people" I had slept with and try to trace it back to find out who gave it to me.

He informed me it could be the ex before him because he was "dirty and has lots of piercings and tattoos". I asked him why he thought it was me who gave it to him and he balked, reminding me of that one time the condom broke and that's when I apparently infected him.

Had the test and came up clean. He didn't believe me so I sent him the results.

He was then faced with the prospect of trying to work out whether he had it all along since before me, or whether he caught it from the "love of his life" he had been cheating on me with (who had, incidentally, been cheating on her long-term boyfriend with my idiot BF). But, hey, why not blame the innocent party in all of this.

What a toxic dog swamp that pair of vile creatures created for themselves. Higher ground indeed...

Beesandcheese · 23/09/2019 14:14

"We should go back to just dating. You can do the parent and family thing and we can just fuck when you want to?"
This was after he'd asked for a divorce following my pushing back on gaslighting, financial abuse and various problems. He was confused by my laughter. He really was a crap shag too

Beesandcheese · 23/09/2019 14:16

Oh yes, we had two children. But he couldn't see himself "figuring out parenting".

Ilnome · 23/09/2019 14:28

(Very lighthearted but true) “You are the bottom of the food chain and need to learn your place. John doe only wants to date you because girls like you mess men up in bed and he wants to concur you” I should add we were like 14 at the time but it did scare me off of boys for a fair bit (until I was 20!) still suprised that could come out of a 14 year olds mouth given at 14 my little brother was still collecting playmobile but then it takes all types I guess

iklboo · 23/09/2019 14:30

Not an ex but someone I went out with a couple of times:

You'll have to convert to Catholicism when we get married - first date

I can't stay over. I have to go to confession first thing and tell the priest I sinned with you.

tympanic · 23/09/2019 14:49

Haha. Just remembered another one from the same gentleman who called me a bitch for not shagging him after we'd broken up.

I was a DJ (once upon a time) and was very nervous about my first set in a club. He took off as soon as I entered the DJ booth and didn't return until it was over because he was "so overwhelmed" by it he had to get stoned.

After my set I was approached to play a regular slot on the radio and from then on I got plenty of gigs about town. He considered himself to be a DJ and took all this very badly as had only had a few gigs at friends' parties etc. I remember at one point him saying it wasn't fair because he felt responsible for making me who I was - "he made me a DJ".

Interesting, as I quite clearly remember teaching myself in my bedroom during my teenage years a long time before I met him.

romany4 · 23/09/2019 14:49

vampirethriller
He was also convinced that he wrote "Hello" and Lionel Richie had stolen it from his notebook at a party. I'm not an expert on Mr Richie's history but I'm reasonably sure he was never at a house party in Croydon

I'm reading this at work and just laughed really loudly. That's hilarious
The rest of the office is not amused Grin

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