The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

[NOFUCKINGNOPE]

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio

Gosh this thread is cathartic

Just remembered one

He got extremely upset and wouldn't talk to me for 2 days that I refused to agree it was ever okay to hit a woman. He never saw any abusive man as abusive and said the woman would have driven the man to hit them.

Best one was that it was okay for a man to walk away from his child if he didn't like the mother (just had a baby and was carrying extra weight so he was threatening to leave because I was too fat and not attractive), I said if my father told me I left you for 21 years because your mum was too fat I wouldn't even want a relationship with him. He said I was backward and stupid and kids always chose their dads over their mums even when their dads walked out on their kids

'No new mother should ever want to be out meeting friends, they should be wanting to spend time in the house with their baby. What kind of mother are you?' (Note: I wasn't planning a trip to the pub or anything, not that there's anything wrong with that either, just wanted to meet a mate for a lunchtime coffee with the baby with me!)

I have thousands of other laughable things he said to me over the year. But the best one was when he (an alcoholic) screamed at me that I was 'junkie scum' and he was going to seek custody of DS - because I took two paracetamol!

He was stunned when our neighbours and joint friends all said 'fantastic news' when I left him and didn't immediately take his side and believe his rants about how 'insane' I was...

All of these are from women, so here's one from a man. Ex went on a holiday for a week accompanying some teachers from a school she didn't work in, to Egypt.
Came back, and a fortnight later announced she had rented a flat and she was moving out. With the biggest grin on her face. Asked her what I had done to deserve it she said, "you make me feel tense" and that was all she said, despite my asking her to be a bit more specific. (I had never been unfaithful to her, kept her short of money, criticised her either in public or in private, hit her or harmed her in any way) even her parents told her she left me because she was bored! I suggested counselling, she wouldn't have it. She left, we carried on working together (for about another 25 years) eventually she told me that when she told me she was leaving she expected me to "go on my hands and knees and beg her not leave her" and if I had done she would have stayed!!! (once out of her earshot I nearly died laughing.) So I went on to have a riot of a time with my second adolescence and after 2 yrs found new DW and have lived blissfully happily ever since. She meanwhile had a rubbish 20 year relationship with a bloke to whom she was sometimes unfaithful until she left him cos he was keener on his sailing than visiting her in hospital! You think you know someone.....

@beatriceprior

Yes what I want, but it's taking some time to remember who I was and what I liked to do. I'm still terrified of doing certain things like wearing trousers because I'm sure he will find out and then I remember it doesn't matter even if he does. Just wish he wasnt DC's dad

I was sexually assaulted in my early twenties, we were watching a tv show where someone was raped and he said “I bet you enjoyed when he did it to you” I completely lost it and beat him up. Thankfully I finally chucked the wanker out after that little gem

Fucking hell. 😡☹️ Horrific.

Various "You are surprisingly pretty/smart/fit for a fat woman"

Recently though (we split 16 years ago) he almost killed me laughing because I got a voicemail from him telling me that he'd heard from a friend of a friend of a friend that one of our DDs (16.5 yo twins - one he hasn't seen for almost 2 years and one he hasn't seen for over a year) calls my DH "Papa". Apparently he is investigating if this is true and if it is he will be both suing me for "mental cruelty and humiliation" and seeking full custody of the girls, and the maintenance that will go with that.

Years ago he also told me I couldn't allow his parents to spend time with the girls because they couldn't be trusted. Less than a week later he applied to court for 50:50 custody stating that when he was away with the military the girls would stay with his parents. Apparently the difference is they would "do as he told them". His plan was to stop paying maintenance to me as he was 50:50, but not pay anything to his parents either because they "love having the girls". So I was to give up the kids half the time to save him money basically. Knob

"If I can give you some advice for the future, stop listening to your mother. She influences your decisions too much". Coming from the 26 year old man-child who sat on his phone, ignoring his parents and shouting at them if he didn't get his own way.

MsTSwift - I was a goldigger too!

I worked full time in a well paid professional job while he at at home 'running his own business' (playing computer games all day and earning nothing, I even paid for the bloody computer games!). He was also, unbeknowst to me, claiming tax credits fraudulently as a single person whilst running his 'business'. He lived in my house that I paid for, I bought all the food, petrol, paid all the bills, even bought his underpants. But I was the goldigger - I was only with him because he was going to become a millionaire from his 'business'

A prince among men, clearly.

Constantly called me a Chinese slut. I am not in any way Chinese I am white UK.

Mine, a guy I was seeing for a year, literally called my vagina "a dangly loose ham, couldn't feel anything" when I broke up with him... I had 3 kids when he met me and it certainly isn't perfect. But I shit you not his cock was literally the size of my little finger, proper two peas and maggot and spent hours with his tongue because he knew himself he had an usually small willy, he has told me and women he has been with before and after me that he has "a premature dick, it stopped growing when someone kicked me in the balls".

He told me that he used to be the guitarist for Marilyn Manson.

No truth behind this, just a weird lie!

You’re so fat/ugly/stupid that if we ever broke up you would never meet anyone. I was 18, a size 8, and went on to get a degree/postgrad. That was my first serious relationship - I probably don’t need to say he was a good bit older - and honestly ruined me for years. I look back at my younger self and want to shake her for ever getting involved with that aresehole.

On asking him for a divorce he said “you’ve finally got what you always wanted. A house, a kid and a dog!”

He had been out of work for 10 years. Our DD was 7, I paid for the house and the deposit came from the sale of my flat and he’d wanted the fucking dog not me. I was just the daft idiot looking after it.

We sold the house to split the assets and yes I got the dog but only because he refused! We share custody of the kid. My master plan when we married 12 years ago is finally fulfilled mwahaha!

A couple of months after I broke up with him:

"Just to warn you, all my exes seem to get fat after we break up. So you might want to watch that."

What a charmer.

"I deserve a GF who looks decent in a bikini, you're embarrassing. You're alright with your clothes on though"

"I'd marry you if you were slim"

"Proper women iron their partners shirts" (even when I was commuting hours and he was home earlier than me etc etc)

"L and I are just friends"

"I didn't push/hit/kick you, don't be so dramatic"

On hearing I'd got back together with my first boyfriend:

Him - what was I, a distraction?
Me - no, a very steep learning curve

Later, harassing me by email at work - you're going to end up a sad pathetic old woman hanging around pubs.

Because I was 25 and enjoy live music.

The kicker was him suggesting my now DH would be doing the hoovering with a baby under one arm and a can of lager in the other. Nah mate, he drinks cider.

Pathetic piece of shit rang me from his honeymoon to complain that his new wife) OW) didn't like visting historical places like I do. I laughed a lot.

"Please talk to me, I have new theory about gravity"

(after I'd dumped him, obvs.)

Oh I have a good one!

When ex left me high and dry with a new baby and no money, I immediately applied for child maintenance because he wasn’t going to give me any money voluntarily.

He rung me up and asked me if I could deposit it straight back into his bank account after they took it from him.

Told me that a friend who ours who had an affair deserved her diagnosis of aggressive breast cancer and it was god's way of paying her back for cheating on her husband.
After being in a&e all-day with an abnormality fast heart rate he told me I could just make him an omelette for his
tea when we got home.

'Every time I come round you're listening to music. I prefer silence as soon as I walk thru the door'.

'Hayfever is serious, you've no empathy that's why you fail to understand I need peace, and looking after' (he would talk about his Hayfever for at least 2 hours and watch me like a hawk to check I wasn't disinterested)

'Women are all sluts by nature, they only dress up so men can look at them'

& when I dumped him: 'You're old, you'll never meet anyone else'.

I met my lovely DP when I was 50 & we've been together 6 years now. Still happy.

I’m not leaving the children, I’m just leaving you.

Fast forward 6 years and he hasn’t seen them for over 4 years...

My first husband ( financially and emotionally abusive) told me he had compiled a file of evidence that would show any custody court I was mentally incapable of anything.
I wasn’t and he didn’t, but I was too terrified to leave for another few years.

"I want my socket set back" on phone at 3am

@honeylulu "When I'm a famous rock star, you'll see me on TV and wish you had stayed with me".

24 years later, he isn't and I don't.

This is one of the funniest things I’ve read on MN. Thank you!

"I brought you soup (in a can) but you still won't have sex with me?"

I was sick and stuck in bed.

He was a disgusting pervert who turned sex into a chore for me.