The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

[NOFUCKINGNOPE]

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio

That I had ' fallen lucky' when I informed him I was entitled to half his pension after 23 years of marriage the day after he walked out.

Said he hasn't been happy for the past 17 years. In front of our daughter who was 16 at the time. Hurt me all you want but to say you've never been happy since your daughter was born in front of her made me so angry.

"Can you lend me twenty quid? I want to take XXXXX (the woman he'd been having an affair with and had just left me for) out and I'm skint."

I'm ashamed to admit that for the first and last time in my fifty-plus years I resorted to violence. I hauled off and I punched him as hard as I could.

Your fat body makes me feel physically sick (I was a size 10).

"D'ya reckon owls can fly"? 🙄

I had a super extremist christian boyfriend when I was in school (I have no idea how because I was only vaguely 'christian' then and I am definitely not christian now). When we broke up, he told me he realised he couldn't date me anymore because I 'didn't believe in a literal interpretation of the bible'. I actually laughed. It's totally the most justified reason anyone has ever broken up with me (I, in fact, do not believe the bible is the actual literal truth about anything). Sadly, I found out after the fact that he is probably gay (he got caught making out with another guy on several different occasions). His family and his church are very homophobic. He is now a pastor in a fundamentalist church with a wife and like five kids.

"Is that the telly on? Are you home? Why aren't you out?" - his weekend with dc.
Apoplectic with rage that I was home, alone, at 10pm. It went against the narrative that I was out getting wasted, snorting coke and copping off with random men, you see.

"Where is he hiding?" - dragging me across to the playground adjacent our house.
I'd gone to my dsis 21st meal, leaving him with the dc. He told me not to be late and come straight back from the restaurant.
When I complied, he decided that I'd used the meal as an alibi and must have been shagging someone in the park.

Oh god I just remembered a really depressing one that is actually laughable now but heartbreaking at the time.

In bed, proper chatting and cuddling after marathon sex session. Felt totally blissed out, he brushed one of my curls behind my ear and gazed at me adoringly, then said:

"I wish I could love someone as much as you love me".

My poor little heart just sank, that relationship was never ending drama but many lessons learned!

Talking about fancing himself a convertible while were meant to be having a romantic picnic " can you just imagine roof down with a beautiful blonde by your side with the wind in your hair"
I'm brunette 😂 I answered, "yes i would like that although I dont mind what hair colour the man would be!" We broke up not long after this! He never did get a convertible and is completely bald now 😆

Things he didn't like me doing included telling a funny anecdote if he had already heard it even if the person I was telling it to hadn't.

When ex told me after 19 years that he didn't love me any more, moved into ds1's bedroom (which took some explaining to a 4 year old) and then a couple of days later begged me for sex "afterwards you can hate me forever" I just laughed in his face. The only thing that made me smile about the whole sorry saga.

Mumtotwo good answer!

I was dim enough to want to ‘stay friends’ with my ex. He dumped me. He’d met someone else -all’s fair and all that as we’d been over for some time. But we met up socially some months down the line when I’d also met someone else. I mentioned this to him, his face was 😡 and he announced ‘I assumed after a certain length of time I’d get back together with you.’ Yep, cos I’d sit round waiting?!

I think it’s odd that You’ve not invited me to your wedding? Err no, I thinks it’s weird you want to come to your ex wife’s wedding 🤣

Oh I've just thought of another corker:

"Its your own fault you were raped (prior to meeting him) because you got with a 'insert racist term for Asian people' ."

And I couldnt spend a night at my friends house with her, her husband and four kids because he was convinced her husband would come down and shag me. I was just good friends with both of them, towards the end of the relationship when I couldnt be in the house with him, I would often turn up at their doorstep crying.

Looking back I should have kicked him to the curb at lot sooner

"she's thinner than you but your tits are still better" when asked why he 'accidentally' slept with another woman?

My ex husband said that my c-section wasn't a major operation and that once the outside was healed it's all good and they were exaggerating about not lifting or driving for 6 weeks

Same ex husband said, my wife has died, erm that's me, no she went into hospital and you came out with that (our son)

That I should count myself lucky he married me despite my tattoos (2 small ones, 1 on thigh, 1 on back).... oh I was so lucky to marry a controlling nut job. I now have lots more and my partner loves them all and me

'You used me to have kids'
We had a LOT of icsi IVF for his male factor fertility problems
after he refused to consider adoption as he wanted 'his own kids'
He then failed to bond with his Ds as he 'thought there might have been a mix up in the clinic'. When i got pg with Dd (again, agreed, paperwork signed in triplicate by both of us for more IVF) he said at 8 weeks pg, 'Ive changed my mind, you need to have a termination'.
I said NO.
Both kids have autism. They are both amazing but the early teen years are hard work as well as wonderful. He sees them each weekend 'but just for a bit as its very tiring'. Well, yes...

My exH.. ‘being physically close to you makes me feel sick.’ When I tried to initiate sex on our wedding night as it was a special occasion he said ‘if we must’.

Inadvertently of course, my next partner after I left my husband was a sex addict. When we only had sex twice a week instead of every day after I’d had a pretty traumatic birth of our child, that was one of the reasons he was forced to have an affair! He told me this when our son was 6 months old, but I since found out his affair had been going on for years!

More lightheartedly, I’ve now been single for years but I did go on a couple of dates last year. I was talking about my small business and how I’m pleased I can pay myself a wage each month. My date scoffed at me and said ‘I think you’ll find that’s called money laundering!’

My mate told everyone she was having a girl. I asked where she had her gender scan and she said she hadn’t had one but she knew it was a girl cause her partner only hadn’t one testicle and he had told her they had chopped off his ‘male testicle’ so his remaining testicle only produced females pahahahahah

Recently, after his last relationship disintegrated (and during a discussion about where he was going to live) I pointed out that he'd had an affair and walked out on me and the DC over twenty years ago;

'Worst mistake of my life'.

My reply? 'I won't say this again, - I told you that at the time. But that was then, and this is now'.

I worked bloody hard, own my own house and live comfortably. He's just moved into a studio flat... I think he thought that I'd welcome him back with open arms. Twat.

He told me I'd never be able to cope with the kids if I left.

He doesn't see them through his own choice, and I do it 100% without him

I love you

You put all your money into my house

Just F U C K. O F F

I left very shortly after

"A whistling woman and a cackling hen
Brings good to neither beasts nor men"

Apparently. But worse than a whistling woman (?!) Is a total twunt like the one you describe. Well done for the losing the bastard and women, if you've got a similar one indoors, move him on. Life's too short. And whistle as much as you like.

I asked for some help paying towards dc's swimming lessons the other week - as an excuse to get out of it he suggested that they gave up swimming as they are too tired to do anything when they are at his house eow- of course that's absolutely the 25 minutes in the water on a Wednesday afternoon and not because he lets them stay up til 1 am when there. I can't imagine why getting up and going to do things is not a problem at my house 💁🏼‍♀️

That's just the latest one though tbf not the funniest - there are too many to remember