The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

[NOFUCKINGNOPE]

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio

He's not my Ex yet ......but as he's just told me I have 'stubby fingers ' I do feel a LTB coming on!

When he got a well paid job after being unemployed, and me supporting him, for nearly 10 years, he left me!! But the break up was all my fault because I'd stopped 'listening to' him....I read this and I see what a fool I was. Oh and 7 months later he got REALLY I'll and wanted us to go back together. No thanks. Once bitten.....

When i left him after 19 years of being unfaithful he told his parents he was being tested for stds. And then sent me an email saying I gave him ms

Do you want me to come back? 🤣🤣🤣

Had been married for 15+ years , and due to him being a man child plus other reasons, decided I couldn't see myself married for another 15 years so we were separating . He told me I was lucky, because when I'd had a big scare a few years previous ( lump thankfully was a cyst removal ) if it was cancer and I'd had my breast removed, he would have stayed with me ! Gee thanks.

What is it with them and telling us we will never find anyone else? I had that as well.

Sorry I didn't answer my phone I was arrested. For three days apparently. No charge sheet. I brought it up later asking if he was going court, changed the subject.

In front of a judge - whatnext dropped out of school without passing exams. Whereas I went to a private school for education. So I am the better parent and should have custody (back when it was called that). His education was borstals and young offenders. Watching him squirm when my barrister questioned him was hysterical. Solicitor and I were sat there trying desperately to hold it in.

Same dickhead told his mum I had spent over 30k of his cash. When we met he was skint cos he'd already wasted it. This was also repeated in the same court hearing.

@deedeegee - did you post about this in the summer?

My ex said to me ‘ no sorry we can’t be friends because you have a toxic yellow aura’

Lowandlucky or indeed Sarah might have the same ex as me. I didn't know he was in a relationship. Although it wasn't a Christmas invite, it was an invite for a Sunday roast. That's when we both found out about each other.
Told me he was single and didn't have children. He had a workplace in the city where he took me, and the family out of London. The place where we going was his sisters, and all his family would be there. Well that part he got right.

After I’d left my exH he said. You’re a fool you could have had a wonderful life ( with him and using my money!!!)

‘You’re too bothered about things being fair these days, I can’t live like that’ 🙄🙄🙄

Did you vandalise OW's fuchsia? Well whatever I might have done in my lifetime I've never vandalised any plant, and certainly not a fuchsia.
I can't stay with you, you're so bloody depressed, you're fat and ugly, I think you might be autistic, you're menopausal. Well no wonder I was depressed, with his behaviour towards me, OW was heavier than I was and about 6 inches shorter, and comparing photos of me at her age with her photos [ you do stupid things like that] I can say that she tipped the scales on ugliness, you don't suddenly wake up autistic at age 56, but OW's youngest is autistic, so if he really had a problem with people with autism maybe he should consider that she'd be living with him, at that point, I was well beyond menopause, but OW was 49 and if he didn't like menopausal women maybe she wasn't the one for him
Her also denied after I innitiated divorce that he'd committed adultery, no one believed that he'd been sleeping on her settee for 6 months, and neither did his solicitor, who actually said that he admitted he had.

He rang me up after getting the solicitor's letter asking why I was divorcing him, had I found someone else? He then rang up our daughter and quizzed her on was I having an affair, which was unforgivable, you don't involve your children in your stupidity. Actually I wasn't having an affair, I'm not a hypocrite.

He had planned to divorce me after 2 years of separation, and couldn't understand why I didn't want to be tied to him for any longer than I needed to be, he genuinely couldn't understand why I wanted to get my life sorted out and his crap out of the house now.
Reason I think he wanted grounds of separation, so he wouldn't have to give me anything during the divorce, and so people wouldn't know what he'd done. Well, at least in the end he thought being correctly accused of adultery was better than the unreasonable behaviour I might have put down
When he'd left me criticising me for going to the docs because it was alright for me, I had time, he never had time to go to the chemists to pick up his medication for suspected skin cancer [which he'd never worried about before, the bit he went with had been like that for yonks. There is a pharmacy in the same building as the doctors, that you have to pass on your way out, and even if stricken by temporary blindness on his way out, it was open from 7 am to 11 pm during the week, to 9 on a saturday and 5 on a sunday, he went past the building on his bike on his way to work

"Why are you leaving what did I do wrong?"

Said after I finally saw the light and left his arse after 6 years of emotional, financial and physical abuse. I laughed out of complete shock that the bastard was so away with the fucking fairies that he felt HE was the victim.... from what I gather he's still playing that card years later.

Some of my favourites before I left the bastard are:

"You're fat now and not attractive, but I still love you." I was a size 10 - when I met him I was extremely underweight.

"It's you're fault I'm fat." He had always had a beer belly since I first met him, and it got bigger because he KEPT DRINKING.

"Go and find a crack head then if all you want is sex!" Yelled at me after I asked him why we weren't intimate (we hadn't cuddled in 2 years, let alone had sex!) On that one I actually challenged him back with "Is that the best you think I could do if I left?" He stormed out of the room like an angry child because he had no retort.

He would never show any interest in me or what I was doing unless it was my passion (drawing/painting) if I was doing that he would break my concentration every few minutes asking if I wanted anything. He knew I didn't he just didn't like me doing something I was good at.

"It's me or the cats" he claimed to be massively allergic to my two female rescue cats, he wasn't he just didn't like that I was getting affection from them.

"It was probably an accident - blokes don't grope fat fucks like you." Said when I'd come home early from a work event where a drunk guy had grabbed my breasts and tried to pull my top down.

"Crying won't change anything." Said after I broke down when my Nanna died and also after he coerced me into have an abortion which he refused to take time off work to accompany me.

Just a few I'm embarrassed that it took me so long to leave the dickhead. And of course, the famous last words from any abusive dick - "nobody will want you, you'll be alone forever."

Well he's now back at home living with his Dad and I have a lovely DH who supports me and we have two beautiful DC together.

I wrecked myself financially getting away from him, but the debt is nothing compared to how he treated me.

That if I was raped he would leave me because I would have cheated on him and it would have been my fault for not stopping it and he knew I would have ‘encouraged it’.

He was an abusive idiot who I left after 3 years...

We were in France, he was driving, some geese trouped into the road and he went into a skid trying to avoid them.

He said 'there are no accidents. That's the universe warning me you and this relationship.'

Warning who?

*warning ME about you

"I'm not your childminder so you can go to work."

When I asked him to look after OUR DD cos she had a training day. I was at work that day. He wasnt.
(This was after he left. Before that DD came to my school on her school's Training days. After he left I had to move her to my school, as he no longer did the school runs.)

If you gain weight I will leave you.

I’ve seen him recently as he’s moved to my area and he is now massive 😂

My ex husband told me if I ever got with a black man he would report me to social services....... yes really!!!! 🤣🤣🤣.

It's scary isn't it, how abusers like these are all so similar? Same lines, same behaviours. It's like they all read it from the same textbook!

I just can't understand why they do it? Why they need to control like that, and how the fuck it gets in to their heads in the first place?

You'd look good if you went to the gym and toned up. I was a size 8 with not a pick of fat on me told him he was shit in bed and slightly insane and didn't see him again after that. I think he felt he had to take me down a peg or two because I was so confident and he felt threatened, he was just that kind of guy, used to date much younger women who seemed vulnerable/insecure. Probably made him feel like more of a man, the weirdo

God. I wouldn't know where to start.
Him saying Sorry constantly which apparently meant it didn't matter what he did wrong, that would absolve him of responsibility. I just kept saying I don't want you to say Sorry. I want you to stop doing (whatever it was)

Me asking him how the hell he ended up in 30k of debt at age 24, when his parents were rich and still paid him allowance into his bank account, yet he went bankrupt and repeatedly said "I don't know how it happened, HoneyandSpice I just don't know"
Err yeah you do. You have gambling problems, alcohol problems and are an entitled, rich manchild. Without the man bit.

When questioned about why he didn't come home from work to me and our 6 week old child after work he said he had been taking (a very young and pretty) colleague to see her dying mother in hospital!

He told me he had a present for me. Rang me at work and told me I should get really excited about it. It was an empty wine box. He worked in a wine shop at the time. He asked me for weeks afterwards if I liked my 'present' (My Mum witnessed this. It is now folklore in our circles. People still don't believe us!)

He asked me, when we finally split up if I could pop to the shops and buy him some trendy new underpants / boxers as he was going to be a new single man about town...

He asked constantly if people were 'downs'
Just people we spoke to at the pub etc.
He knew my sister had very severe downs syndrome. He knew she'd died at age 29 tragically. He knew the song we played at her funeral. He knew it triggered emotional memories for me. He played that song all the time. Kept forgetting it was emotional for me. He asked me when our daughter was 9 months old if she had downs. She didn't. There was no need for him to think that. Never mind the fact it would have been picked up on way before being 9 months old.

Christ this has just reminded me how bad he was. I still struggle with him now. I have had a terrible time wondering if there is something very wrong with him and actually wanting to fuck off to another country with DD. She's nearly 8 now. Was 18 months when we split up. She's starting to realise he's a bit of a weird fucker. His parents and sister are exactly the same. Massively dysfunctional. Absolutely no self awareness. Total narcissists

It's heartening to hear people have left what seem to be incredibly deluded waste of space partners. And sobering that there are so many.

@cushioncovers

He was also convinced that he wrote "Hello" and Lionel Richie had stolen it from his notebook at a party. I'm not an expert on Mr Richie's history but I'm reasonably sure he was never at a house party in Croydon.

Brilliant!!! I want to see what else was in the notebook

Called me a selfish bitch for asking for a divorce when he rang me at work, in tears, to tell me his girlfriend was pregnant - apparently her doctor had told her she couldn’t get pregnant! (She managed to do it again a couple of years later too!)

Then begged me to take him back saying he’d force her to have an abortion.

Wouldn’t sign the divorce petition until their son was nearly 9 months old, saying he didn’t want to let me go.

Called their son by the name I had ‘chosen’ as one I would like to call a son, so I could take over being his mother!!!

I’m now very happily married for 16 years with two children of my own (neither called by that name!!!) and two beautiful step-daughters!