The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

[NOFUCKINGNOPE]

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio

Some of these are hilarious! Some are just heartbreaking!

After facing collapse having cycled 93 km in 38degrees, I was told that if I wanted to go on holiday with him again, I’d have to do much more training! He is now exDP!!

A guy I dated briefly told me he hated women drinking out of pint glasses as it wasn't feminine!

After asking me what my IQ was, said "I'm sorry, i find it hard to believe anyones is higher than mine"
So why ask me then?!

"Well I hope your next bloke is weak he'll need to be to put up with you" er no you were weak and pathetic which is what made you unattractive you prick.

"I've never hit a woman". Said to me whom he had hit on three separate occasions.

“This is really different for me. I usually go out with good looking girls.”

1. 'Of course, it's only natural that I should be admired by many young women, as I'm clearly going out with one much older than I am'. Seven weeks' older. Seven weeks.

1. 'Don't lie and say you've got arthritis, it's all in your mind because you want to be old and live on benefits and you've fooled all the doctors because you've got Munchausens when all you have to do is start running'. Yeah, because my mind can create ESR and CRP levels that high, I really enjoy injecting poisonous shit in order to function and the doctor from ATOS recommended I was awarded the highest rates of both mobility and care. Oh, and I worked because I never wanted to be dependent upon somebody else to pay my rent. Least of all him, who thought it was perfectly reasonable to buy a car on a credit card, but rather than doing a 0% payment and then benefitting from credit card protection, he walked next door to the bank and took out an eight grand cash advance.

1. 'I'm incredibly attractive to gay men and teenage girls'. Is there a subset of kink for pigeon chested balding guys with fucked teeth, no money and no home of their own?

And the weirdest was 'you aren't allowed to take your shoes and socks off because your feet are deformed - your toes aren't exactly straight with the soles of your feet, your toes spread out instead of coming together in a point and you don't walk like a woman, because women can only walk on tiptoes and men walk on the rest of the foot. So everybody can see you want to be a man'.

Another one just came out with bollocks all the time until I'd had enough of him - his particular 'moment' was announcing that he was leaving because I'd been so horrible to him by having a breast lump which upset and massively stressed him for two whole weeks - and then I had not grovelled for his forgiveness because I let a male doctor scan my right tit for cancer.

I just laughed. Mainly because not only that doctor scanned me, I'd been examined by the good looking male gp in the first place, seen a consultant and a male radiographer and my rheumatologist had asked very timidly if she could find out what a breast lump felt like at another appointment during the two weeks - I volunteered for her to get the junior doctors to come in to find out as well. So I'd had about 9 different men and one woman feel them extensively over that time. and every single exam was less unpleasant than when dickwad groped at my tits on a Saturday night

"I either want full custody of our DD, or no contact at all".
Well okay then, if that's how you want it. 4 years later and she hasn't seen him.

"You're devoid of emotion". To be fair, by that point I probably was.

'You'll never find anyone who loves you the way I do' Was kind of true, as he was a weirdo.

I guess he's still walking on the face of the earth, obviously a miracle cure

I was seriously ill with PND. It had been ongoing for 6 months. Ended up going into psychiatric hospital on a voluntary section. FIL had been given a prognosis of weeks to live after being diagnosed with cancer, just before I was hospitalised.
However, FIL passed on the very day I'd gone onto the ward. Spoke to my psychiatrist and it was decided that I didn't have to stay in hospital as long as DM helped care for me and DC. Yet, dm worked ft, so I just assumed the role of parenting him as well as the dc.

He hit the bottle badly and had violent outbursts. It was a pretty horrendous time.
His favourite attack was that I was 'competing' with his dad. That I was jealous. My pnd was all made up for attention and to be in the limelight. There was fuck all wrong with me, I was a sick and evil bitch, etc.
He used to throw my medication at me and goad me to take it all.
Had this accusation thrown at me during and after the break up and forever more.

When he dragged us through the family court, he tried to get full custody claiming I was unstable, suicidal, prone to long bouts of depression. But would then contradict himself and spew all of the above about me faking it, nothing wrong with me, it was attention seeking etc.
Eventually the judge had to ask him, "well which is she? She can't be clinically depressed in one breathe and making it all up in the next Mr Toffee!"

"You behave like a typical victim of abuse"

"You don't need to wear make up, you've got a boyfriend"

"Why do you want to see your friends? You've got me now"

All from the same absolute keeper - luckily I saw the light.

Ooh ooh there's more

"You'll be one of those women who looks really ugly when pregnant"

"If we have kids I'll keep an Excel spreadsheet so we know how much you owe me at the end of maternity leave"

Luckily I dumped his ass before getting pg!

You’ll never find anyone who loves you like I do” this said by my both verbal and physically abusive ex. He is now single fat bald with teeth missing KARMA! And still living in our old council flat .
Recent one “ I know it’s going to be frightening being a single parent ( I was when I met him. He was having a affair he now has nothing I still have everything I worked for and no debt unlike him approx 30k he had got over 2.5 yrs) god I’m so glad I’m free ! Reading this thread there are a lot of cockeomble dick head twats around

We were at his place, he was watching football while I wasn't really interested. Our national team lost to another country. So he got angry with me, and said that the reason we lost is because of people like me who don't support the team properly as they should 😂

You’re too fat - (I was a size 10)

You’ll never find anyone else if you leave me

And many more things

Accused me of being in love with one of my friends and actually drove me to the friends house and attempted to force me to go inside and 'tell him how I felt'... (I was not even the slightest bit attracted to this person let alone secretly in love with him)

Oh God, my first partner used to do something similar. He'd get pissed most nights and start shouting at me (I never bothered arguing back because I was really young and scared of fuelling it.) He was obsessed with one of my male friends, convinced I loved him, and would keep me up until 4am sometimes screaming about him. He'd always threaten to ring him, saying "Let's get X round here then, see what he has to say for himself," and I genuinely believed he would. He never did, usually passed out before he got round to it, but my whole body turned to jelly through fear every time :( I used to try and pretend to be asleep under the duvet, and he'd accuse me of pretending just so he'd go to sleep, then I could sneak out with X, so he'd sit at the window watching for cars pulling up in case it was him coming to pick me up.

I swear, it feels like my current DP was sent to me from God as a fucking apology for that fuckwit, he's the most lovely, gentlest man I've ever met!.

October 2017: ‘ I’m never getting married again. I’m never putting myself through this shit again’ screamed at top volume
June 2019: announces he’s marrying the new one and asks me to come to the wedding!?!?!?
Safe to say I am not going!

Ooh remembered another one. I had been on-line gaming for years before I met the dickhead ex, and was good mates with a few of my guild. One of these guys mate N, quite a bit younger than me, was doing a similar job & we used to chat about it.

Told the ex not to bother to call me on the house phone one evening because I was going for a drink after work with mates N and H, one of the other gaming guys who was visiting the area. Ex gets all upset that I'm going to shag N, H or both (there was zero attraction on either part). I said no, we would be talking work & gaming. Then he tried the "can't you go out with the girls from work if you want a drink?". The "girls" I barely knew & had nothing in common with. I then get the "it's not that i don't trust you, but I know what men can be like"! I suggested that maybe I was a good enough judge of character that I would be safe with 2 professional guys I'd known for years longer than him.

He sulked for weeks about that. After giving me loads of advice about travelling safely from London by public transport - I'd been commuting to London for around 30 years, he'd not been to London for nearly that long, and only about a dozen times in his life.

sashh

That's awful did you involve the police? I hope she or your ex paid for the damage at least.

Whistling is horrible, why would you even want to do it?
At school girls were in trouble if they whistled.

@Lowlandlucky

"Can Sarah ( the woman he was having an affair with) and her son come and stay here for Christmas?"

Wow! How did he (or Sarah) think in any way that would be acceptable? My mind just boggles!

I have loads, whilst I'm reading the thread and thinking of some of the corkers I will post this one.
We hadn't seen each other for a few days. Which was fine with me. Saw him and he told me he broke his wrist.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe now they do bandage broken wrists.
Bumped into him with his mates a day or so later and I have never seen an arm disappear up a jumper as quick.
Never found out why he made this shit up.