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Original poster

The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

505 replies

NOFUCKINGNOPE · 22/09/2019 18:34

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio Grin

OP posts:
Loreleigh · 23/09/2019 17:46

My ex's stupid comments were pretty standard ones:

"I still love you" (prick, funny way of showing it by being a complete bastard)

"I can change if you'll take me back" (about the 1,000th version)

"Nobody will love you or fancy you like I do" (49th edition, usually early hours of the morning) closely followed by "you're a f***g slag" (after blanking his oh so crude drunken advances)

"You'll never meet anyone else that will want you like I do" (except my better half, now about 30 years together)

"You'll regret finishing with me now" (yup, right on that score....I should've done it long before I did)

"Only I can make you laugh" (prize twat, I'm laughing AT you, not WITH you)

"I love it when you are all dressed up"...closely folowed by..."you're a tart" (hhmmmmmm!)

"I'm going to kill myself if I can't have you" (laters, good riddance to bad rubbish and all that...would you like some rope, all the medication and alcohol in the house, directions to Beachy Head?..glad to be of assistance.

And they are just the fist ones that spring to mind - I'm sure there were some peaches somewhere, but I can't be arsed devoting any time or headspace to thinking about ex's any further, lol

Smrahc48 · 23/09/2019 17:47

“I didn’t sleep with her”

Everytimeiseeher · 23/09/2019 17:53

“I want rent for that room” my ex said of a room I worked in from our jointly owned, jointly mortgaged house. I worked from home so it was easier to mange the kids during school hours/holidays etc

slewoman · 23/09/2019 17:53

After being together 12 years, planning a baby, having baby and thenafter 11 months he said he was leaving because he "didnt like the new routine "

futuredad · 23/09/2019 17:55

“How am I supposed to go on holiday now?” The first words out of her mouth when I told her that our marriage was over!

MrsRufusdog789 · 23/09/2019 17:58

Just moved into a new house at his insistence .
His girlfriend of two years ( my friend) decided he was never going to leave his wife of 13 years so finished with him.
He came round after two weeks of living with her to ask if he could take the new double bed we'd just bought together as his back was hurting in her bed .
All he got in the end were his golf clubs .
I still miss my friend .

Itisnotapuppet · 23/09/2019 17:58

I've had better looking girls than you, I've had worse looking girls than you.

peachdribble · 23/09/2019 17:58

“What would you do without me?”

There’s a lot of pain on this thread. Stay strong all of you 🌺

mimosaadorna · 23/09/2019 18:00

“Why do you wear such aggressive jewellery?” (Response to me wearing anything bigger than a 2mm plain ear stud)

“I think you are delusional..... Why would you say that, to impress people ???You need to get some serious help” ( after I told him I’d worked with, and been beaten up by a tall supermodel who has a reputation for that sort of behaviour. He could have checked it was true just by sticking my name in google.)

Itisnotapuppet · 23/09/2019 18:00

I just know my ideal woman is just around the corner

Itisnotapuppet · 23/09/2019 18:01

I'll stick around as long as you keep the beer flowing

Cjd1976 · 23/09/2019 18:01

When he left he said he wasn't gonna sign the tenancy over to me because he wanted to see me and the 3 kids out on the street

Itisnotapuppet · 23/09/2019 18:04

The sad thing is many of the exes will be someone's current.

HandsOffMyRights · 23/09/2019 18:05

"I wish my dad could see you all dressed up like this."

Presumably I was only passable to him and his family when wearing slap, heels and designer clothes.

Whiskeylover45 · 23/09/2019 18:14

"I would never do anything to hurt the kids." (My godkids)

...this was after I left him due to him stashing his cannabis harvest from the loft under the bairns bed (I didnt know) and only found out when the school had pulled god daughters mother up on her smelling of it, then, when I went mad at him, responded in a bored voice "you finished fucking winging?"

So, yeah...hes now 50, on his own, financially fucked with a huge mortgage he has no hope of paying off and chronically I'll. Really couldnt have happened to a nicer person. Whereas I have just married DH, have a beautiful son and step daughter, good jobs and looking to buy a house in the near future.

But that comment got to me in the Hmm sense

katseyes7 · 23/09/2019 18:17

My ex had had an accident at work and was in hospital following surgery. The hospital was two bus rides each way from where we lived, as l hadn't passed my driving test then.
Not one of his family (who actually lived closer, and had three cars between them) went to see him while he was in hospital.
After he came home, his mother came to see him. After she'd gone, l asked him why none of them had been to see him in hospital. He replied that his mother had wanted to, but his dad had said that it "wasn't safe, her getting the bus on her own" (no explanation of why he wouldn't go with her, or why he, my husband's brother, or SIL hadn't taken her in the car) and that he wouldn't allow her to go. And, l quote "SHE ABIDED BY HIS WISHES." This was in the early 1990s.
Whereupon l said "l've got some bad news for you. Did you know Queen Victoria's dead?"
lt didn't go down well. But to be honest, nor did his family letting me do everything, hospital visits, taking him for his appointments (and my dad going with him, even paying his bus fares when l was at work)looking after him at home, while working shifts. l'm well rid of the lot of them.

danmthatonestakentryanotheer · 23/09/2019 18:21

"I'm not going to stay if you don't fight for me"... after I kicked him out for cheating. 3 weeks later I got.. "well I've though it over and I've decided to give you another chance "...yeah well guess want I've thought it over and you're still a cockwomble..fuck off!

Itisnotapuppet · 23/09/2019 18:22

I've seen the type of woman I want when I've met some of my friend's girlfriends

badwin2604 · 23/09/2019 18:23

That no one would ever want me and I would still be on my own when I was 80... funnily enough that was 6 years ago, I’m now married to an amazing man, buying a new house and have a baby on the way. He for some reason is still single... 😂😂😂

Itisnotapuppet · 23/09/2019 18:25

Weren't you the girl who used to work behind the bar with the lovely hips? (looks down at my hips) Oh, it must've been the other one.

Krisskrosskiss · 23/09/2019 18:25

'You just dont feel genuine emotions like I do'
Accused me of being in love with one of my friends and actually drove me to the friends house and attempted to force me to go inside and 'tell him how I felt'... (I was not even the slightest bit attracted to this person let alone secretly in love with him)
He once also didnt speak to me for a few days because I didnt put any kisses on the end of a text thanking him for picking me up from work in his car.. apparently this meant I was not really grateful and was using him.
Accused me of having an affair with his married brother whom I'd met twice, because I smiled at something he said during a family dinner.. he didnt speak to me for a few days over that one as well...
Turned up in the middle of the night at my house when I had a female friend over because he thought 'she fancied me' and was going to 'try it on with me'
'I'm a very intuitive person, I have special gifts and I can tell what people are thinking'
'I'm a healer'

After we had broken up he also called my new partner a player and tried to warn me about him. Me and said partner have now been happily married for 6 years and have two lovely children together... my ex has been through about 60 women in this time frame and lives in a van.

danmthatonestakentryanotheer · 23/09/2019 18:26

Want=what

simiisme · 23/09/2019 18:27

Starter husband. Married too young, and should have heeded the warning signs that he had a wandering eye. He'd had an affair with a neighbour for over a year before I found out and we separated.
I started dating a work colleague shortly after we broke up.
Ex: You've been seen out with a man.
Me: Sweetheart, we're separated. If I'm shagging the whole of the local rugby team, that's none of your fucking business!
Ex:

Sweetpea55 · 23/09/2019 18:28

Told me that if I ever had a baby it would be a mongol because I was half a mongol
These were his words so please don't flame me for using the 'm' word

deedeegee · 23/09/2019 18:28

After boasting (!) that he’d chain- smoked dope all through his 20s and then slightly less so until his 60s - he denied that his refractive asthma was caused by it, when he could hardly breathe!