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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

505 replies

NOFUCKINGNOPE · 22/09/2019 18:34

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio Grin

OP posts:
AravisQueenOfArchenland · 23/09/2019 15:00

Sashh

"Reader, he believed me, not only that he asked her about the op, but not until after he had asked a couple of her friends and some neighbours."

^I'm still sniggering at this, not just the fact he believed you, but that actually asked around about it Grin

AravisQueenOfArchenland · 23/09/2019 15:01

*he

Sexnotgender · 23/09/2019 15:03

He accused me of signing up for an online dating site...

It was LinkedIn Hmm thick as shit he was.

KUGA · 23/09/2019 15:33

When I told x I was moving into the spare room and filing for a divorce he said if I do that it would kill him.
Lying b`stard.

sashh · 23/09/2019 15:36

Aravis yep and then he told me about it.I can't remember if this was before or after she threw a brick through my window.

TheSecondMrsAshwell

The pregnancy?

It was generally a shit time but there were the odd highlights, he refused to return the divorce papers, my solicitor had to send a bailiff round.

One of the questions on the form was, 'do you have any evidence of his adultery' ? Er yep, i the form of a bump.

This was my second solicitor. I received a bill from the first one, I phoned them up and said, "I'm not paying" I got the, "you have to, we will take you to court" so I asked how they could represent me and my soon to be ex at the same time? Yep they had taken both of us on as clients.

They didn't send a second bill, it might have been amusing to leave that until the county court but I wanted things over with.

Serendipity79 · 23/09/2019 15:48

My ex repeatedly told me (after finding out he'd had an emotional affair) that I needed to trust him. Apparently my lack of trust in him, and repeated discoveries of receipts for flowers, meals and hotel rooms forced him into yet another affair.

When I threw him out and divorced him he told my solicitor I was financially abusive because he'd had to use credit cards to pay for all this "friendliness" he had to seek out from other women, and I had refused to pay his debt off. He then told him that my claim for CMS through DEO was emotionally abusive to him

I'm now permanently off men, and staying single!

ladyratterley · 23/09/2019 15:54

That I was a "materialistic cunt" because I looked after my belongings and don't lose or wreck stuff all the time.
He was so feckless and couldn't understand why would get annoyed if he took belongings I had saved money to buy without asking and lost or ruined them. This was things like CD's, speakers etc. He'd also just eat or drink anything nice I'd bought as a treat or been given as a gift without leaving anything for me. Would also do the same if I was given nice toiletries. Once he'd used a (whole) bottle of Molton Brown bath stuff his mum had bought me for my birthday. But it was "materialistic" for me to be bothered.
And it was also "materialistic" to save money to travel to spend my annual leave going to nice, interesting places.
Fucking nob.

ladyratterley · 23/09/2019 15:55

Oh the same guy said "I'll never cheat on you". Obviously did.

LittleCandle · 23/09/2019 16:28

The XH said to me 'I'll always look after you' just a couple of weeks before stopping paying all the bills without telling me. I was a SAHM, living in a financially deprived area and the crash had happened less than a year before.

MerryBerryCheesecake · 23/09/2019 16:41

NAMALT.

Nah but on threads like this, it's sounding dangerously close.

Fucking hell, if this is light hearted, I'd hate to think what a serious one would look like.

Sparklemummyx0x0x · 23/09/2019 16:55

After we split, well he was now 'officially' seeing the OW. Of course it was all innocent friendship beforehand.

"Why don't you still wear your engagement ring?"
Hmm
So I said something along the lines of "Because it's an engagement ring...we're no longer together, therefore no longer engaged"

"Well it's still an nice ring to wear"

Maybe, if it wasn't a FUCKING ENGAGEMENT RING!!

Dumbass!

youarenotkiddingme · 23/09/2019 17:08

Oh yeah I'd forgotten

"You're not a real woman as you don't wear short skirts or paint your nails"

He just looked confused when I replied "ah a new way to determine sex. A baby girl is born with painted nails and wearing a shirt skirt - the vagina is just a bonus"

Chanellta · 23/09/2019 17:11

I'd never survive without him ... The man who moved into my housr., Lived mainly off my salar,y. expected me to entertain his lovely daughter while he watched football etc. I'm surviving just fine.

Reythemamajedi · 23/09/2019 17:15

You've never really travelled have you....
We met in Russia.

historysock · 23/09/2019 17:18

'I don't think you'll ever be happy' (without him). Funny that. I seem to be quite A bit happier than when I was with him. And thats even with him having an affair with my best friend...I'd still take the fall out from all of that over still being married to him Grin

Ratonastick · 23/09/2019 17:20

“You’ll never keep this house without me”.

Really? Fucking really? Cos it looks like I have paid off the mortgage and am still living in it 16 years down the line!

Miniloso · 23/09/2019 17:22

After pulling me from my front door and throwing me to the ground giving me whiplash he said I tripped.

When I ended it he said the reason was because ‘you are too insecure to be with a good looking man like me’ ....

Then mailed me saying I needed therapy as I was the abuser.

Corna · 23/09/2019 17:26

That three teaspoons wasn’t the same amount as a tablespoon, and I shouldn’t use that as a measurement how stupid of me.

That he could spot all the fake smiles in my mums wedding photos and so he knew who was no good.

That I should go nc with my family because he didn't like them.

That I was fat (I weighed 8.5 stone and was 5’8.) I was 15, he was a 24 year old virgin when I met him.

That it was fine to follow attractive women and comment on them walking down the street at night.

That he definitely didn’t have depression and anxiety but also definitely couldn’t be expected to get a job after years of being on the dole

That my hips were the wrong shape (on repeat for years basically)

That he would go out with me again if I lost a stone.

That I really didn’t need to go to university, what would you want to do that for.

That I should wear the weird clothes he picked out for me and let him do my hair because he knows so much better than me (he clearly wanted me to look hideous)

theWarOnPeace · 23/09/2019 17:28

“Why don’t you just go, I don’t even love you, I never have done!”

Me: takes it all in, walks out, starts to slowly drive off, when he leaps seemingly out of nowhere crying like a deranged toddler. He’s then saying that he didn’t mean what he said (about one minute before). When I said “move out the way or I’ll run you over”, he went ballistic and started screaming abuse about what a heartless bitch I was.

Never looked back! Dick.

Notimefor · 23/09/2019 17:32

vampirethriller
He was also convinced that he wrote "Hello" and Lionel Richie had stolen it from his notebook at a party. I'm not an expert on Mr Richie's history but I'm reasonably sure he was never at a house party in Croydon.

Crying😂😂😂

MumOneDay · 23/09/2019 17:34

"I don't trust women who dye their hair. They are trying to deceive men."

TheDramaLlama123 · 23/09/2019 17:35

So many! Resent favourites are -

He accidentally emailed me instead of his boss saying how he can’t come to work tomorrow as his ex (me) has a job interview and our youngest DD is sick and he is being forced to babysit. In 5 years I’ve never asked him to ‘babysit’ when our kids are sick and was actually at work in the same job I’d held down for years.

Sunday’s gem was - I can’t have the kids next arranged contact day as I have a work conference I can’t get out of. No, he’s getting married. Our Dc’s aren’t invited and he thinks we don’t know. But sadly they do thanks to his new DSD telling them and rubbing in that she is bridesmaid and our youngest DD is heartbroken.

TheDramaLlama123 · 23/09/2019 17:37

As a long time single woman, this thread doesn’t exactly compel me to get back into the dating scene 😂

DrCoconut · 23/09/2019 17:41

My (very unreasonable) first ex became convinced that I was cheating. It was horrible because he was always trying to find out "who it is" despite keeping me under such scrutiny that I could barely go to the toilet unchecked. If I spoke a word more than necessary to a shop keeper or bus driver that was it. He forbade me to speak to colleagues at work but wanted me to work because he didn't. This was before mobile phones became common so at least he only had real life to be suspicious of not social media too. It really peaked when he went off the rails mentally and became convinced that my OM was the singer of a band I was into. Even though the guy lived in Australia and I'd never even met him. It's actually terrifying trying to convince someone who is delusional and turning violent that you're not having an affair. I left him after a very nasty episode where he effectively held me hostage in the flat overnight and only didn't kill me because he became too drunk to do it and went unconscious for a bit. That's the closest I've come to thinking my number was up.

ladynyland · 23/09/2019 17:42

My ex is a narcissist so the list is endless... but just days after my father died he started at me again. With this beaut ! “ I bought DD new pants then the next time I had her she was still in the same pants and they were covered in shit, I even had to buy her new school uniform once a week, because DD didn’t have any you are so fucking shit as a parent’ ... he then went absolutely nuts when I pointed out that social services would have been involved if that was the case, and I have just checked with DD if she ever went to school naked but for a pair of shitty pants and she had no recognition of the events ‘ DD is now 18 !!! And ignores her father because he is a first class twat.

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