To think she brought it all on herself

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

Link to previous thread

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3635012-to-be-over-the-moon-my-dp-has-finally-took-his-balls-out-of-mummy-s-handbag-and-told-her-where-to-go

So I anyone has read my previous threads about my horrendous relationship with my PIL and SIL you will know we have been completely NC for a while now since we found out I'm pregnant with our second baby (we have a 16 month old DS and I'm 17 weeks pregnant with DS2)

Myself and DP got married last Saturday, it was a very small registry office wedding and it was only my family and we had 2 friends each there. DP (oh it's DH now haha) has gone tonight to break the news to his parents. Even after everything I'm sitting here now imagining how i would feel missing my sons wedding and I start to feel bad for her but then I know when DH gets home he will tell me how she said I'm the devil and it's al my fault and how I've stolen her boys again

That was supposed to be "heartless unsupportive wife"

CONGRATULATIONS FIRSTTIMEMUMMYDS88.

Thought I better shout over all of the naysayers so you could hear some support amongst all of the shit

Congratulations on the second baby and on getting marrried and about the amazing news for your little boy bless him,our DD used to climb in with our oldest Rabbit once she started crawling and her crawling had been along time coming(she's autistic and has some physical disabilities)and I can remember celebrating the strange places she chose to crawl to.

I can understand from your side and your DH's side,I had to go NC with my oldest brother,his partner and his adult children because of something awful they'd done to my family and myself and I was pretty much pulled apart because of it because my parents thought over time I would just forgive them but they'd gone to far this time.

It's been just over 8 years now and it's alot easier now but it doesn't mean deep down that I don't feel some sadness over it all because I do so I do get how your DH is feeling but I can completely understand you wanting to have nothing to do with them ever again after the way they treated you and your family,some things are truely unforgivable but sadly it doesn't seem to make it hurt any less.

Isn't he home by now op?

OP.

I’ve been following your posts since your demon MIL broke into your medical files. You were a saint back then to even think about allowing unsupervised access.

To all the posters who haven’t read the backstory, the MIL is properly batshit and could face jail time for what she has done through work.

OP, do talk to your husband, huge congratulations by the way! He will be struggling still as hell still be processing everything that’s gone on the last year and will be looking at all the interactions he’s had his adult life in another way now.

This is what mumsnet is for, to have frank and open conversations when you can’t speak to family and friends. It’s not for being to sit waiting for an update. Although after remembering how things were before your birth I am happy to hear you and your son are NC.

Op I think you’re getting a rough ride on here when it’s not deserved. Your dh is struggling with nc and obviously wanted to share news of his marriage with them because they’re his parents and he loves them despite their differences. All you can do it support him and if the pils offer an olive branch you could maybe consider taking it with some boundaries, for the sake of your husband not feeling like he needs to lie in order to see his family.

FirstTime there's a positive to this. Your new DH has kind of taken the moral high ground. So although they might (certainly will) blow up about not being told until after the event, at least they don't have hearing it from someone else to beat you up with. However bad your MiL is (and I've followed your previous threads) you're not putting her through the total indignity of someone else say something to her and her having to pretend that she already knew.

Wow, I have been through your previous posts and I cannot believe what I've read.
I've been eagerly scrolling to your next update as if I'm binge watching a soap.

How you haven't physically lamped this woman, or your FIL or your SIL shows incredible restraint on your part and I must say patience with your DH too. If I was in your situation I may have left the relationship well before now as it's taken DH a while to come to your defence.
I'm so glad he finally has and I really hope you can move on in your happy little family of (soon to be) 4 and leave the whole sorry mess of in laws behind you.
I agree he seems to be struggling with NC which is understandable but surely enough is enough, unless his entire family does a complete 180 and is grovellingly apologetic to you for their horrendous behaviour I hope he finally makes NC a permanent thing.
My bet is they will be outraged that you have snared him in your terrible web and disown him themselves for cavorting with such a common devilish sort like yourself

Wanted to say OP I have read all of your previous threads and I agree;
A. That your MIL is NUTS
B. The harsh posts on here about attention seeking are completely unwarranted.

OP is coming here to talk about a stressful situation.. not being a Drama Llama

I dont think you are thriving on drama either OP. Mil and her family are horrendous and you don’t need this shit.

How did it go?

Sorry we had a long talk when we got back and then went straight to bed so late update

He said she cried when he told her and said "I can't believe you would do this to me" he assumed she meant getting married without them there and he started to try and explain his reasoning and she interrupted with "no I can't believe you married her" and how I've stopped her seeing "her boys"
DH told her that it was never me who said she couldn't see DS I offered supervised time with him and that it was in fact DH who said she couldn't see him. He explained that I am not taking "her boys" away from her she's pushing them away every time she pulls another ridiculous stunt or badmouths his wife and DS's mother. She went on again about how she can't forgive me for causing some development delays and premature birth (again absolutely no evidence of this it was just pure bad luck)

DH again told her that it wasn't my fault, our DS's consultant, Neo Nurses, HV and Physio have all said that me having 2-3 Gin and Tonics while 3 weeks pregnant and not knowing couldn't have caused anything. He also that if she can't find a way to put her feelings to one side and out DH and DS first then she will lose them because he will not continue this as DS1 gets older and starts to pick up on things. She waited so long for grandchildren (she always states this) yet she is risking losing them because she hates me.

She calmed down and asked about DS, DH showed her a video of him crawling and a scan picture of DS2

Once he was home he admitted he is struggling with NC (finally!!) and I told him yeah it's kinda obvious but it was his choice so if he wants to go low contact instead then again that's his choice. He has text his mum and told her that he will start slowly introducing contact with just him for now and see how that goes, maybe a phone call once a week. But he also said this is a "last strike and your out" situation. I've told him that I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with his parents having unsupervised time with our sons and he has agreed that he wouldn't either

Well done OP for listening and well done your DH for being so honest with you and his mum. Hopefully this will be a fresh start for your husband and his family.

Has she apologised for any of it?

Glad there is finally progress!!

It would be good for DH to have some therapy to help him deal with all the emotions he is trying to cope with especially if MIL is incapable of being reasonable even after that conversation.

But she had a last chance she said i cant believe you married her-isnt that enough now and how she cant forgive you fdor something that was nothing to do with you

I think your dh needs counselling not slowly going back to this woman

I can only control the relationship I have with his family, I can't dictate his.

Your DH sounds very reasonable. Glad you guys can be on the same page about it all. Good luck

Congrats OP, on the new baby, and on the outcome of your DH’s visit. Let’s hope things go a little more smoothly for you from now on

It's absolutely mad that even after NC, she still is trying to lay the blame at your door rather than catching herself on and realising it's all her own fault.

@FirstTimeMummyDS88, I honestly don't think you'll need to worry about contact. She's as mad as a box of frogs and I'd be almost certain that she'll go to far soon, again, and your DH will cut her off. She clearly has no ability to reflect and realise that she's the one in the wrong. That could probably be the best thing that will happen, though. At least your DH will know that he gave her one last chance and she blew it. I think he'll find it a lot easier to go NC when she proves herself as totally undeserving of being a grandmother to your kids.

Take it easy. You're pregnant and you don't need this drama in your life. Just make sure that you remind yourself that she's a spiteful old cow, and nothing she says has any genuine meaning. You have done nothing wrong. Only her.

@FirstTimeMummyDS88 Congrats on your pregnancy and being newly married

I remember your two previous threads RE: MIL. I'm glad your DH has finally woken up to what she's really like and started defending you. Please ignore those who are saying you're a drama queen, attention seeker and that you're rubbing it in her face they clearly haven't read the previous threads. I think you've been a saint the way you've handled everything all things considering because if I had in laws (especially MIL) like yours I'd have lost my patience and lamped her one by now!

To be honest I wouldn't blame you if you felt the need to "rub it in" after all the horrible stuff she's said and done to you over the years, in fact if you do feel like that it's perfectly fine because unlike many people you haven't acted on it and I'm sure more than a few people would act on it. Even now you're willing to let her have a bit of supervised access with your DS and that really shows what kind of person you are because if I was in your shoes whilst I wouldn't make it difficult for DH from trying to salvage some sort of relationship with his parent's I certainly wouldn't allow any of them within pissing distance of me or my kids so kudos to you there.

As much as you probably hate the in laws (no one would blame you if you did) I don't think you'll have to wait long for them to fuck up again. They clearly don't do boundaries at all so they'll either play nice for a while so they can have contact and show they're being reasonable and then it will all start again slowly pushing boundaries whilst trying to appear reasonable so don't let your guard down with them ever. If DH wants to try and salvage something let him and just be supportive of him and bite your tongue at least that way you're showing that unlike those spiteful, manipulative cunts you are more than reasonable and dignified.

I would also advise that you start slowly discussing boundaries with your DH as you move forward. I.e no telling the in laws about any appointments you have for DS and yourself. Make sure you tell your midwife, health visitor and the hospital you're under that MIL is not to be told anything nor she is allowed to attend any appointments. I'd also discuss with DH that when you go into labour, like the wedding they are not to be told a thing about it until you are feeling up to dealing with it all because you can be sure they will certainly push the boundaries slowly until they get their way, especially post birth when you will be at your most vulnerable as cunts like them rely on that. At least if you both talk about it you're on the same page and more importantly you and your babies will be completely protected from them.

I still think you should report MIL for accessing you records because she sounds psychotic and her obsession with "her boys" is very fucking creepy to be honest and people like her are not to be underestimated they'll go to any lengths to get what they want. Please keep us updated on your progress and I wish you and your growing family all the best for the future

You're an absolute saint for putting up with this vicious bitch.

On a happier note - Congratulations on your expanding family!

Long may your vile MIL be excluded from it until she learns some basic decency!

@Lucifer666

Thankyou so much

DH has said for now he will start with a phone call every Sunday morning and see how that goes, he's also said if she hasn't got anything positive to say about me then she's not to ask/speak about me. She has actually already asked about coming to a scan and DH replies "you've got to be fucking joking"

I've got to another hospital for this pregnancy so she can't interfere, I'll be having growth scans every 4 weeks for now with DS1 being premature and having a growth restriction. All being well I could deliver naturally or choose to have a Planned C-Section at 38 weeks, if it looks like we are having growth restrictions again I will be scanned more regularly and they would like to get as close to 37 weeks as possible for delivering him. Either way I've told DH that his parents aren't to know.

I asked him how he plans to proceed and he said see how the phone call once a week goes then he will say maybe he will pop in to theirs for an hour every other weekend, I asked about DS and he said that his parents need to earn his trust back before he even thinks about them seeing DS again and he agrees it should always be supervised. He said if his mum doesn't like that then she can lump it, it's his way or no way now. He has told her that if it comes to a final choice between his parents and "his boys" and wife then she will lose every time (I have to love the his boys jab haha)

I'm not a saint, I've not handled this well as I could have but there's only so much a person can take. I will take everything she throws at me but blaming me for my sons health issues threatening social services is something I will not stand for, I'm not a big headed person but I know I'm a good mum and I won't have anyone tell me otherwise

On what planet would it be a good idea for her to ask to attend a scan?? She’s absolutely out of her mind.....

How did she respond to being told no?

@FirstTimeMummyDS88

She has actually already asked about coming to a scan and DH replies "you've got to be fucking joking"

I’ve followed your other thread and she is batshit crazy!!

She blames you for your son’s health issues due to a couple of G&T’s at 3 weeks gestation?!

The egg is living off the yolk at this stage and hasn’t even attached itself to your blood supply. There is no way you are in any way responsible.

I had a cocktail at 6 weeks & didn’t know. I’m not stressing out about one beverage when I had no idea I was even pregnant!

Further, foetal alcohol syndrome is a cluster of things and can be spotted from birth.

I’ve seen children with foetal alcohol and their mothers drank like fishes. It was very very obvious there was something wrong with them.

I also worked with someone who had a few drinks at a Christmas party in late pregnancy. Definitely no foetal alcohol there (her child is now a beautiful young lady).

Your MIL is so toxic. No matter what you do she will always be like this.

She won’t be able to help herself when your son is older - so you will always need to watch her.

My sister made a comment about feeling sorry for my son having me for a mother.

That was enough for me to acknowledge the cycle of abuse will never stop and I need to protect myself and my family from toxic people. The context of her comment was being worried for “my nephew” in the context of me being unmarried.

When she said “my nephew” I thought - he isn’t your anything.

Your MIL’s comment “keeping me from my boys” your son isn’t hers. Your husband isn’t hers either, he is his own separate person.

You do have some control over how much influence she has in your life. Changing hospitals was a good decision on your part.

I think she has some pretty serious mental health issues going on.

Heaps of people hate their daughters in law - they don’t make it their mission to alienate those people from their own children or interfere with medical appointments.

As if that toxic bitch is going to your scan.

She won’t be anything other than “silly grandma” to your sons when they grow up.

You know from the first opportunity she gets she will be trying to turn them against you.

@FirstTimeMummyDS88, massive congratulations on your wedding :)

I think you’ve had a hard time on this thread, I’ve had to deal with batshit behaviour (and continue to do so) but to a lesser extent and it really does mess with your head/ make you question acceptable boundaries etc and even though it was the right decision to not have her there for your wedding, I can see how you would still struggle with feeling bad that she wasn’t. And I can understand why DH thought going to tell them himself rather than hearing from others is the right thing to do. I can also understand why you started this thread, I don’t think you were gloating, your husband had gone to see them, potentially exposing himself (and by extension you) to more shitty behaviour and that in the stress of that you want somewhere to vent/ discuss/ get support/ get people’s opinions.

I think the best thing is that your husband is showing he’s fully supportive of you and his son (and unborn baby), and that you all come first. And that you are talking about it together. I do think your husband needs to make sure that things don’t ‘slip’ in terms of the boundaries he’s set.

The hope I guess he has (perhaps it’s unlikely but it’s hard not to hope when you love someone) is that if he is immovable she will come to realise how she has been and apologise/ be able to find a way forward with him and you. I’m only saying that as it took my DH about 14 years before he stood up to his mum on her behaviour (not nearly as bad but still pretty horrible and stressful). A lot of it came from different expectations (and her very much wanting to be in the middle of it all and the matriarch). He held his ground and she apologised in the end (the one to me totalled ‘I’m so ashamed I’m sorry’ and that was it) BUT her behaviour has changed and that is what I have used as my cue to have more contact. She makes sure she says positive things to me about me and the kids, and tries to understand more where we are as a family. We are never going to be ‘friends’ but she’s become someone I can care about and love for her loving my kids and husband so long as it doesn’t become damaging to any of us.

Good luck going forward. I hope your DH keeps his boundaries in place.