To think she brought it all on herself

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

Link to previous thread

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3635012-to-be-over-the-moon-my-dp-has-finally-took-his-balls-out-of-mummy-s-handbag-and-told-her-where-to-go

So I anyone has read my previous threads about my horrendous relationship with my PIL and SIL you will know we have been completely NC for a while now since we found out I'm pregnant with our second baby (we have a 16 month old DS and I'm 17 weeks pregnant with DS2)

Myself and DP got married last Saturday, it was a very small registry office wedding and it was only my family and we had 2 friends each there. DP (oh it's DH now haha) has gone tonight to break the news to his parents. Even after everything I'm sitting here now imagining how i would feel missing my sons wedding and I start to feel bad for her but then I know when DH gets home he will tell me how she said I'm the devil and it's al my fault and how I've stolen her boys again

@Derbee

I didn't have anyone to talk to about it, kinda thought that's what Mumsnet was for
I don't want to burden my mum or friends with this AGAIN
I know DH is struggling with NC and I'd much rather be admitted that and spoke to me about it that using the wedding as an excuse

Oh FFS - loads of people not familiar with your previous threads it would seem

Oh I think a LOT of posters on this thread are very familiar with the OP’s previous posts.

It sounds like everything is coming together for you (apart from crawling into the washing machine of course, that’s not fun!)

Have faith in him, you know how mil will react. You just need to stay united and strong

To all those who are saying 'selfish' and 'drama' ... you clearly are very lucky people who have no idea what Unreason looks like.

It is hard for 'normal' people in 'normal' families to wrap their heads around the fact that these people do not meet anyone half way and that to be required to do so literally results in nuclear warfare.

One of the biggest challenges in dealing with them, is to not sink to their level and use the same defences, become like them. You have to carry on being a decent human being knowing you will never get it back and it will probably be used against you.

But we take years struggling with this reality, so of course 'normal' people don't get it!

"He said he wanted to tell them before they hear it from someone else," - sounds like the reasonable behaviour of a decent man.

@Tilltheendoftheline

I've already said it should have been AIBU to be mad at new DH for telling his parent were married when we're supposed to be NC

I've read your previous threads, and I know your DH has come a long way when it comes to dealing with his mother and sister. Keeping them at arm's length is sensible.

I get why he wanted them to hear it from him, actually. Because he told them he would reassess the NC after the new baby arrives. So he's thinking about future boundaries already ... and I can understand him wanting to be the one to tell them he's gotten married. And seeing by their reaction if they've learned anything / changed since you've all gone NC ... if they're sad, maybe they have, if they're angry and blame you, he'll know he's doing the right thing by continuing with the NC except for emergencies which you've noted in previous threads.

I remember your previous threads OP.

Your MIL is a grade a arsehole, and I don't feel a shred of sympathy for her. She's 100% brought this on herself. You're a saint for having dealt with it so well for so long as for facilitating contact with your DS how you did.

You and DS are better off without her in your life. She was a selfish manipulative troublemaker.

I don't care if other posters call me a bitch too. 🙂✊

i have said to him to do what he wants and let's not discuss it anymore

And that is so not going to happen! You are going to squeeze every last drop of angst and emotion out of this.

In one of your previous posts you said your mil claimed she would have her boys back by Christmas. I think she might be right, your poor DP sounds as though he is stuck between a rock and a hard place and is being emotionally blackmailed by both of you. If you want your kids to have half a chance of growing up understanding how most people behave then stop turning your life into a Jeremy Kyle drama.

Does she know your pregnancy again op? Sorry if I missed this somewhere.

@ScreamingLadySutch

I think I kind of knew he was struggling with NC and I do think he's using the wedding as an excuse to go and see him mum. And I can understand that, I just wish he would have said something and been honest

Read your other threads and am disappointed that dh has gone to see his family. Just hope they don’t get their poisonous claws into him again! You are completely in order being nc, it is only what they deserve.

Ignore what some posters are saying, you have been very tolerant over his dreadful family. Know I’m going to be flamed over this but, to be honest, I think you deserve a little gloat over this. If dh had done as ils wished they would be gloating over you.

@Bouffalant

We can be bitches together

@FirstTimeMummyDS88 in that case my answer would have been YANBU

Totally agree with @ScreamingLadySutch

Far too many people being completely unreasonable in their responses. Berating OP because they have a definition of what "NC" is, and as it's not being met, in their eyes, they have to swan in and 'correct' OP. The reality is, OP and her husband are human. That means you experience emotions, such as guilt. How many times have any of us been friendly with someone, they've wronged us, but you've ended up feeling guilty about something and re-establishing contact to try and remedy it? I'd be more concerned I'd married a psychopath if he could go NC with his family and never feel any emotions regarding them again. It would be robotic, and incredibly unnatural, behaviour.

OP, please don't feel like you need to justify yourself to these people. I'd imagine most of them have never had any real, challenging familial relationships, and so can't understand the complexities of the issue. I'm glad you and your son are NC with them; I read your other threads and was genuinely appalled at your MIL's behaviour.

You acknowledge that it's trickier for your husband, and I think he's doing the best he can, at the minute, with the situation. It'll take time (and by time, I think years rather than days or months) for those guilty feelings to fade. People here forget that he's had to live with her manipulation for a lifetime. It's very hard to switch off your natural reactions to someone who has made his life all about her.

It's quite funny, really. Mumsnet is the place where most things are a 'DH' problem, he should do this, he should do that. Yet here's a man who actually has cut contact. He's married the woman he loves despite knowing that it wouldn't go well with his family because of their issues. Yet, because he has went to tell them in person (which IMO isn't stirring up drama, it's just a natural response to years of dealing with overbearing, controlling people), OP is loving the drama? If OP loved the drama as much as posters let on, why would she go limited/NC? Surely she'd keep them in her life so she could rant about it every week?

I think some people are simply jealous that OP has had the strength to do what a lot of people wish they, quite simply, had the balls to do themselves.

The best way I can describe it is: being thwarted, or given boundaries

(like, no you cannot give my baby his first hair cut/rearrange my medical appointments and insist on being present/take over the birthday party and make your present giving the centre of attention) ...

[I mean, can't people SEE that this is breathtaking assumption of power where other people are puppets for their show????? Complete lack of respect and regard??? That it is not normal?]

... any boundaries means that they are Wrong. They cannot be Wrong. They will escalate to ridiculous levels and wilfully destroy, in order Not To Be Wrong.

They are soul destroying they take over and the OP is not being what she is accused of. There is a meme explaining her 'heightened emotions' (you have to live it to understand the emotional attacks of these people):

"A narcissist will push you to your limits, telling other people only part of the story conveniently leaving out the part they have played. Your reaction was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullshit" - Anne Mcrae

I didn't have anyone to talk to about it, kinda thought that's what Mumsnet was for

AIBU isn’t somewhere people talk, really. Maybe try Relationships.

@Derbee

Thankyou

Yeah I should have worded my OP better I'm a bit of an emotional wreck at the moment, pregnancy hormones and I'm arguing a week into my marriage

I just want to explain they I never said DH or DS should go NC, I said I would be NC and I wanted DH to supervise any time DS spent with DS after a lot of things, one being MIL arranging to take my DS for his first haircut without consulting me or DH

It was DH who said they were going NC after I found out I was pregnant again and he said they would review after DS2 is born

I'll admit it's been a glorious few months and I think I posted because I know DH misses his mum but I wish we would have told me that rather than use our wedding as an excuse, if he wants to see his mum and family then that's fine just be honest and stop trying to people please because your actually causing more hurt

Your DH is still the FOG he needs help to move on from it. Old habits die hard.

@viques

Out of you and the OP, the only person that's trying to turn her life into a Jeremy Kyle drama is, indeed, you.

FirstTimeMummy I think Yabbers is right, AIBU almost always kicks off, regardless

Anyway congratulations on your marriage & I hope your now-DH won't be too knocked back (in any way) by his mum

I'll admit it's been a glorious few months and I think I posted because I know DH misses his mum but I wish we would have told me that rather than use our wedding as an excuse, if he wants to see his mum and family then that's fine just be honest and stop trying to people please because your actually causing more hurt

How long have they. NC? Just read you link post and doesn't seem to be a few months? I'm not sure DH wants to be NC.

You previous posters REALLY SHOULD read the previous post if you haven't; her MIL could be the centerfold in abnormal psychiatry!
Congrats on your marriage,new baby and NC!

Screaming lady, yes totally agree.

It's so hard to empathise with people and we all use our own frame of reference, it's so hard to imagine what these people are like.

Yes to nuclear warfare and its the very reason people get in to these situations because... They are in flexible and totally in reasonable.

However op, I do feel your dh should have left it... And let them find out through someone else and I don't blame you for having mixed emotions of slight gloating and slight upset.

@spanglydangly

I haven't seen them since our DS 1st Birthday party. DH has seen three times since then, once was his mother at a work function, the second was when his Sister was home visiting and they said they needed to discuss the inheritance and tonight is the third

I don't think he wants to be fully NC, I just wish he was honest and said this rather than making excuses to see them

Why are so many people happy to dump on OP? Take no notice - some people just look for an excuse to kick at any victim they can find. You have had an awful experience and my heart goes out to you. To accuse you of being a drama queen is unfair and cruel. Ignore them. Congratulations on your wedding - well done for not interfering in your partner's choice to speak to his parents. Better than I would have managed!