To not understand women who go with married men?

[Pennypringles]

I know I'm old fashioned and have a really strong moral compass but I just don't understand it!
Obviously I know it takes two to tango and all that but I would never go with someone's husband however much "his wife doesn't understand him".

both those cases the wife has said that they have been sexless in recent times. It’s not rocket science why those relationships have broken down and in all honesty has nothing to do with the pursuit by some man hungry woman but more likely a husband who’s fed up of celibacy. It doesn’t make it right but it is an explanation.

The sex is often the last thing to go in a struggling relationship. It has usually gone wrong well before that, for totally different reasons, and an unwillingness to have sex with their partner because they are unhappy with thingsis a symptom of that. It’s unfortunate that people assume that where lack of sex has become an issue, that the relationship has failed solely due to one person not wanting to have sex.

You may want to re-read your rocket science manuals!

I have been with married men. I don't make a habit of it and I would never get involved with the husband of a friend or family member. I don't care if someone is married. I don't seek it out or have a preference for it but I wouldn't take it into account when making my choices as it's not something I attach any real significance to. It's their problem not mine. If I am attracted to him and he to me I wouldn't turn him down because he was married.

I have been cheated on and it bothered me at the time but as time has gone on I have got over it and find the idea of being faithful to someone for a lifetime very unrealistic and depressing really. I don't know a single marriage that I respect or would call a Good Marriage. They all started from affairs and/or one or both of the couple aren't nice or loving to each other at all.

I have a married man I see occasionally. I knew him before his wife did, I only ever met her once. We are basically friends who meet up every couple of years and spend a night or weekend together. We have a really good time together, laughing and reminiscing but I'd never want a full time relationship with him or anyone else really so it suits me fine. I'm sure I will be roasted for this but 🤷‍♀️

I've been the OW.

In the first instance he wasn't married but in a LTR. I justified it to myself because I was madly in love with him. I was young and vulnerable and he made a move on me. I continued to justify it because I was the only one who got hurt, she never knew. He broke my heart, twice, and it fucked me up for a long time. I got what I deserved there.
He's now married to someone else.

Second time was different, he was separated, I was in a LTR. I can't justify this one. I don't really know what to say. I was confident my partner wouldn't find out and I guess for that reason I didn't feel as guilty/awful about him as I should have.

The guy I was seeing got back together with his wife, I found this out from someone else.

His reputation preceded him, he'd done it before and still was while seeing me. He apparently had an agreement with his wife that he could shag around due to a very high sex drive. Again, this info didn't come from him.

I never, in a million years, thought I would be this person. I thought I had a strong moral compass. I thought I was better than this. But apparently I'm not.

It's easily understood. It's because it's enjoyable. People do things because they feel good. Deviant... yes probably.

I was on a dating website, I was contacted by a man who sounded interesting, I looked at his profile and saw he was married. He's my age and all our children are older though not fully adult. I realised that meant he would never do to me any of the things I was afraid of happening and which had happened in my serious relationships. I can cope with what he offers (which is minimal) and he gets a release/ego boost. He doesn't pursue me, try to move in with me or get sad when I do stuff without him. He hasn't dropped his hobbies or stopped seeing his friends the way my serious partners did. We don't contact each other often or see each other frequently. He likes women and is kind, not misogynist the way so many men on dating websites are. He is a lot of fun. I am a small extra hobby for him. If his wife found out, he would deny completely and drop me like a hot brick, or at least I hope he would. The thought of actually taking responsibility for a man or living with him truly terrifies me after my past experiences.

As I found out a bit more about him, he says that his wife was unfaithful first several years ago (I can think of many reasons she might have been driven to that, and who knows if it's true anyway) and he has taken that as a green light. I am one in what will no doubt be a long series, probably for the rest of his life until he is incapacitated, or she throws him out. In my experience, relationships are terrifyingly complex and painful, and I'm scared of having a real one. This one is not complex, though it still hurts a bit. Much, much less than a proper relationship though.

Oh my - all those scheming Jezebels out there - who would have thought it!!

I think often there’s a lack of empathy on the OW’s part because they are often young or haven’t got families of their own, so they don’t know how deep and important the bond of marriage is. So they don’t fully appreciate the damage they cause.
I know three women who were the OW. All mid-20s, none married, all trusting the guy’s bullshit and naive about the devastating results of their behaviour.

I think it's because the ow gets amkick.out of the factvthat she can turn a married man's head due to low self esteem.

Anyone who denies this is s liar.

It is terrifying to realise that so many persons out there lack basic empathy.

To have this 'my happiness matters more than anyone and anything else' mentality is so destructive to relationships and society.

The arrogance and selfishness seen on this thread is just really disturbing

There are a lot of selfish arseholes in the world, male and female. 2 of them meet and then there's the option of cheating.
People can justify it any way they like, but cheating can ruin people's lives, it breaks up families, unless you're talking about people being forced or coerced into sex then both of the people involved are selfish arseholes. "I didnt make any vows" is such a shitty excuse, but some people really don't care how their actions impact on others.

I wouldn’t be ok with him cheating. But he’d be the only one to blame. It’s not the fault of some stranger who’s never met me and owes me nothing.

But @Actaea this is just hypocritical. It's fine for another woman to shag your husband/partner, because according to you, you don't matter. You're the wife, so we don't have to consider your feelings or that you even exist. You are nothing to the rest of us.

Everyone, let's find actaeas husband and jump on top. She's OK with it. She means nothing in the grand scheme of things. It's an open marriage, so there's no issue.

Funny how narcisstic people have one rule for them and another rule for others.

It’s unfortunate that people assume that where lack of sex has become an issue, that the relationship has failed solely due to one person not wanting to have sex

Aaah but I didn’t say the breakdown was caused by the lack of sex but that they were sexless. In my experience the woman will have a problem and withdraw sex as a consequence. The man will see the lack of sex as the problem and potentially a justification for going outside the marriage. But in either scenario there’s a problem within the marriage that’s not being addressed before anyone else comes along. The affair is the symptom not the cause. Blaming an outside person is easier than looking at the painful realisation that you might have contributed in some way to the situation.

My friend found out that she was the OW when she read an article in a newspaper about her “fabulous” bf of nearly a year, only to discover that he was married with four kids! She’d been to parties and introduced to his colleagues as his girlfriend, etc and felt like the laughing stock..... when she confronted him, he said that he and his wife had an open relationship. Her response.... “Well I don’t!!!”

.

No actual experience as never been in the situation however, I’d guess it’s the ability to have a relatively commitment free relationship without someone getting clingy

I too am seeing a married man. I knew he was married when we got together. What started as a casual fling, nsa sex has turned into something more.
I don’t give his wife or my partner a second thought when we’re together. There were problems in both our relationships and sex together is a symptom not a cause of what’s going on. Yes we should both separate. It’s daunting and scary but I won’t go on like this. Either being unhappy in my relationship or being the OW.

Have I got a problem with my moral compass? No
Am I narcissistic? No
Am I arrogant? No
I’m none of those things. I’m literally in a loveless relationship and having fun and being made happy. Albeit by someone else’s husband

I find the thread a bit Victorian. It's as if a woman who has been involved in a relationship outside her own marriage or with someone who is married is 'fallen', 'a cheat' etc...

I tend to think about the Biblical saying 'let s/he who is without fault cast the first stone.'

We're all flawed, complex human beings with messy desires and emotional lives. Sometimes hurt other people. We let them down. At other times we make others - and ourselves - happy. All we can do is muddle through as best we can. If we've screwed up along the way - and all of us whether monogamously married, single, separated, divorced, whatever - have done this, all we can do is do the best we can to put things right in our own lives.

It's fine for another woman to shag your husband/partner, because according to you, you don't matter
Of course it’s not fine. But I’m under no illusions that I matter to an OW who I’ve never met. Why should I? She hasn’t promised to keep my marriage together or look after my best interests. Only my husband has made those promises, and if he has an affair only he has broken them.

@Wehttam
"It definitely doesn’t work in just one way, trust me I know. The poor wives who are cursed by cheating husbands and their deviant trashy OW have probably done absolutely nothing to deserve this."

The wives have married deviant trashy men and if they stay with them will invite the same bad karma in their lives, according to your logic.

If we look at societies that accept"'side chicks' and as long as the man takes care of any children from that union, no consequences (from the church) happen. The first wife doesn't know about this until it becomes public. The 'side chicks' don't know when he adds another Woman in to his Harem. He is still cheating on all of them. No karma ever comes back on these Men.

No karma comes back on many perpetrators of crimes and bad behaviour.

I've been the OW. Why? I don't know know, or maybe if I'm honest because I was lonely and someone paid me attention. I'm not saying that's a justification because it's absolutely not. I'm well aware that it makes me sound pathetic,

I was ashamed of myself back then, and now I'm married with young children, even more so. I hope my husband and parents never find out as they'd be so upset with me, because it was a shitty thing to do.

According to people on here I'm the lowest of the low and a scumbag and slag.

I didn't try to be

Some of the misogyny on here is eyewatering. Repeated assertions that the OW "go after" husbands etc etc. As someone said up thread, scheming Jezebels the lot of them.

And while we're on that, @Wehttam, most prostitues are actually victims of abuse. Not low lifes shagging other peoples husband for financial gain. A more accurate term is "prostituted women". Again, the person to blame is the man.....

Wow all these excuses and total deniability to excuse your disgusting behaviour says a lot about some of the characters replying here. Knowingly being with a married man and knowingly being a married man who is having an affair is very low. You may be able to reason with yourselves but society and myself will always judge you.

As I said earlier, I pity the poor unsuspecting men who have to scrape the barrel and find some of you lot deep in the bottom of it. I also pity the poor women married to men who also linger in the depths of said barrel.

@northernruth - as the author of the ‘jezebels’ comment, I totally agree

I pity the poor unsuspecting men who have to scrape the barrel and find some of you lot deep in the bottom of it.

ODFOD.

These 'poor unsuspecting men' don't have to do anything, nor should they since they are married! Other people's vows are not the single person's problem.

Men cheat because they want to.
Women cheat - you guessed it - because they want to.

Have I got a problem with my moral compass? Yes
Am I narcissistic? Yes
Am I arrogant? Yes

There, fixed that for you.

Also, Am I a coward? Yes. You forgot that one too.