To not understand women who go with married men?

[Pennypringles]

I know I'm old fashioned and have a really strong moral compass but I just don't understand it!
Obviously I know it takes two to tango and all that but I would never go with someone's husband however much "his wife doesn't understand him".

@MereDintofPandiculation

Understood, but in meeting someone there is no obligation to leap into a full blown affair before taking care of business at home as it were, then taking forward the new relationship.
Having regard for the person you once felt deeply for doesn't necessarily mean dragging out a miserable existence but having the decency to be honest about where the relationship stands? Long term deceit from a partner engaging in an affair is soul destroying

I should clarify that I’m married so I don’t date anyone any more. But in the past I have dated and had sex with men who I knew were taken, either by a wife or girlfriend.

I’m aware that my behaviour impacted on the man’s wife or girlfriend. I just didn’t care. It’s not my problem, I made no promises to them. I put my own desires ahead of a stranger’s feelings. Nobody has ever done me any favours so why should I care about anyone? If it makes me happy then that’s my priority, I don’t care if someone else is made unhappy in the process. I look after number 1. If he doesn’t cheat with me he’ll cheat with someone else because he’s obviously not happy. And if he’s better suited to me he’s allowed to leave his wife or girlfriend if he wants to. I guess it’s just pure selfishness - I care about what I want, not what someone else wants.

Tbf I didn't know my ex was married. I discovered he was. Too blinded by his "celeby" lifestyle. Either way, its finished now and its going to make an adventurous story to tell the grandkiddos in the future.

if it makes me happy then that's my priority, I don't care if someone else is made unhappy in the process

And there we have it - some people just don't care about the feelings of others . Fair enough but be aware that one day it'll be your feelings that are of no account in someone else's life plan

Both are equally wankerish. I do think there’s a special corner in hell for people that intentionally go for involved people as some kind of competition or sport to make themselves feel better. Those people are scum. Men and women.

The married man would obviously be the first to blame. However, some vaginas (nicer version of the word I wanted to use) purposely look for married men and happily break up families. I think a woman who knows a man is married is a low life piece of shit with zero self esteem and no moral compass. That’s my opinion. The same as men who go after married women they’re trash too. It’s very sad.

Actaea have you been tested for sociopathic tendencies? That lack of empathy is really quite disturbing.

I truly believe that we reap what we sow. With that in mind, does it not scare you that you face a lifetime of unhappiness and disappointment for being so selfish?

How do you imagine you would feel if once you do find your long term partner he met your younger self and had a bit of fun? Would you be ok with it? Genuinely interested

Well obviously I wouldn’t be happy and would get rid of him but she owes me nothing. Ultimately she would of done me a favour.

"If it makes me happy then that’s my priority, I don’t care if someone else is made unhappy in the process. I look after number 1"

Maybe your DH feels the same way about polishing his car.

Women do a lot to other women. There are women who land on MN with dilemmas and are metaphorically torn to shreds by other women. Women who make other women miserable be it at work, socially etc. Women who go with married men and don't care about the wife. They're in all walks of life and are like that as they want and choose to be. It's just life.

I have slept with a married man. I didn't know it at the time. I met him on a night out, he wasn't wearing a ring, he was with a group of men, his phone didn't have a photo of them or anything and she wasn't mentioned all night. We got on and arranged to meet again, we met 4 times, I slept with him, he called the next day to say he couldn't keep seeing me as he was married. I saw his friends a few weeks later and asked why they didn't tell me/didn't discourage him/remind him he has a wife. Their response 'oh that's just what he's like, usually a one night thing though, you were the first he dated'.

Ffs. Married people who want to cheat will likely lie to get their way. Be that conveniently forgetting their spouse exists, saying they are separated, saying they don't love them, whatever. The other person is often totally in the dark about the actual situation.

The ones that get me are the ones who don't lie and the other person who doesn't give a fuck. They are the ones who I don't understand at all.

Women who knowingly pursue married men (and I've known several such women) are absolutely reprehensible, like some of the comments here basically saying 'my happiness trumps everything'.

Similarly, married men pursuing other women are utter, utter shits.

They're all as shitty as each other. It's horrible behaviour.

Fantie does Karma not put the fear of god into you? With your soulless attitude you will be hit with a bus load of bad karma one day. I couldn’t be so cheap to be the OW, it’s the lack of self respect and dignity I just can not fathom. It’s akin to prostitution without the renumeration in my book. Truly a ghastly streak in anyone, male or female, to partake in extramarital affairs, a sinister sociopathic trait. Vile.

Whoa.

@Wehttam - wow. 😂.

Me sleeping with a married man for my benefit is the same as prostitution?! Ok🤔 I don’t think so some how.

I don’t believe in karma. I don’t believe that just because Iv slept with a few married men that one day if I get married the same will happen to me. It might or it might not 🤷🏼‍♀️ And for all we know I may cheat on my husband.

I don’t believe in superstitious nonsense like karma. I don’t think we reap what we sow. Some of the nastiest people I’ve ever met are popular and successful. People have done horrible things to me but still ended up better off than I am. If karma existed it would be punishing them - but it’s not. On that basis I’ve done as I wished with no regard for others - just as others had no regard for me. I look after me and mine - everyone else is not my problem.

Fantie wow indeed. You’ll start believing in Karma when that bus comes along.

I pity the poor unsuspecting guy who scrapes the bottom of the barrel and ends up marrying someone whose moral compass truly has no direction.

Actaea you will attract those types of people because it’s what you put out in the first instance. Karma is not superstition it’s reality. I don’t know you but reading between the lines I’d imagine you’ve had quite a troubled hard life, self inflicted or not, your resentment of others couldn’t be any clearer.

You won’t get married, Fantie. You don’t believe in it, clearly. Well, maybe you will for the financial security but not for any other reasons.

As for the poster who said “i put my own desires ahead of a stranger’s feelings. Nobody has ever done me any favours so why should I care about anyone?”

I think this about explains it all. The world has treated me like shit, so I’m going to do the same back. I do feel sad that no-one has ever done you any favours, Actea. But if does explain a lot about the way you view relationships.

You know what’s really annoying? All those people using this as a get out: “ah well, if the marriage is in trouble then these things will happen, it was a crap marriage anyway if they’re both miserable”. All marriages go through major ups and major downs (but mostly just plods along on a nice level). A woman (or man, in the reverse scenario) who knows that a man is having major issues with his marriage and views this as a green light for an affair with him “as he is clearly miserable and looking for an out anyway”, in my view they’re like a vulture, going after someone when they’re in a vulnerable state. They’re easy prey. Most decent people wouldn’t take advantage in that situation, they would send the person on their way, no matter how much they fancied or liked the person, and tell them to go and try and fix their marriage and if it didn’t work out to only then look them up.

Fantie does Karma not put the fear of god into you? With your soulless attitude you will be hit with a bus load of bad karma one day

So, what did 'bad deed' did the married man's DW commit, to deserve a cheating DH in the first olace? Karma doesn't just work one way.

I don’t believe in superstitious nonsense like karma. I don’t think we reap what we sow. Some of the nastiest people I’ve ever met are popular and successful

Same here. Not everyone gets what others may feel are their 'just desserts' and I don't get why people go on about Karma if they're not Hindu.

Lots of horrible stuff goes on in life. Look at society and how poorer sections are utterly scorned by so many. All ties in with there being more and more people around who just don't give a shit about others' feelings. Difference is most don't admit it, or suddenly care only when stuff impacts them directly.

I do understand we'd like to think the 'mistress' is wracked with guilt and/or she'll marry one day then her husband will have an affair. But tbh I've known of people who met via having an affair (1 couple via social media - that other great source of relationship/empathy disconnect) and they've stayed together. I mean I guess we're not hoping and wishing and expecting for their karma to happen beyond the grave are we

I can’t believe this subject has been raised again. We’ve covered this relentlessly. Women are just people... they behave in a range of ways including good and bad. In posing the question only about women you’re implying they are somehow breaching some standard of behaviour not applied to men ( otherwise you’d say Why do people do this). Personally I find the obsessive desire to drag women over the coals deflects attention from the marriage. The wronged partner doesn’t have to look at the dynamics of what was happening within the relationship because they can focus all their hurt and anger at an external party they see as to blame for stealing their husband. There have been 2 threads recently in Relationships where someone has discovered their husband has been unfaithful. In both those cases the wife has said that they have been sexless in recent times. It’s not rocket science why those relationships have broken down and in all honesty has nothing to do with the pursuit by some man hungry woman but more likely a husband who’s fed up of celibacy. It doesn’t make it right but it is an explanation.

I'm the same would never cross my mind when someone is committed or even more so married to someone else I will never understand it and I have no idea why they do it,
A crap life and nobody doing you any favours is a lame excuse, I think any reason anyone can give for it they are all lame excuses for they actions closest I can think of a reason is pure selfishness and total disregard for other people.

Actaea you will attract those types of people because it’s what you put out in the first instance
No it’s the other way around. I as a completely innocent young woman was victimised by people who have clearly not subsequently suffered from karma due to their bad treatment of me. It made me realise that you have to put yourself first and you can’t trust anyone.

@Ginger1982 - PP’s wanted to have an honest discussion about why people behave in a certain way, and I’ve been honest about my past and open about my reasons for doing certain things. You obviously don’t like my opinion so have searched my past posts looking for something completely unrelated to use to take a vindictive dig at me. How nasty! To the PP’s who wanted to talk about this topic - THIS sort of bullying behaviour is why we can’t have a real conversation about these issues.

It definitely doesn’t work in just one way, trust me I know. The poor wives who are cursed by cheating husbands and their deviant trashy OW have probably done absolutely nothing to deserve this.

In my book those who behave this way are putting bad energy into their lives purposely. It’s more or less self harm, involving themselves in a relationship based on lies and deceit. To have no empathy or to not consider the damage their actions could bring really does highlight character traits in line with narcissism or sociopathy if the OW knows he is married.