WIBU to not go to SIL's (breastfeeding related)

[heeeeeyduggee]

Currently have a two week old baby (dc3) who I’m breastfeeding. I never managed to breastfeed DC1 or DC2 for a variety of reasons, and I didn’t actually plan on breastfeeding this time around due to the complications I ran in to last time, so as such, I’ve not yet got any nursing bras or nursing appropriate clothing, and have been pretty much topless every day since dc3 was born as a result of all of my bras hurting/my clothing not really being practical for feeding.

I had a c section and have three DC’s under 3, so it’s going to be at least a couple more weeks until I feel ready to head in to town by myself with all of them and get myself measured for nursing bras (not to mention save up the money for them as they seem to be quite pricey for decent ones!) and pick out some clothes that will be suitable for the breastfeeding lifestyle.

The issue is, DH told me this afternoon that his sister wants us to go to hers next weekend for his nieces birthday. I don’t have the money this week to shell out for bras (not paid until the following week) so going to hers would literally mean going braless, leaking everywhere constantly whilst applying nipple cream every half hour, and essentially getting naked on my top half whenever dc3 wants a feed. Dc3 is prone to cluster feeding in the afternoon, his ‘witching hours’ seem to be between 1pm and 5pm (fabulous timing!) so would be slap bang when we’re supposed to be at SIL’s, meaning that if I went and decided to nurse in a different room to avoid getting my boobs out in front of SIL’s husband and mil’s fiancé (who we virtually never see), I might as well set up camp in there thanks to the constant cluster feeding.

WIBU to just not go? I’ve not yet breastfed in front of anyone other than DH and health visitors/midwives, so feeding in front of dh’s family when I don’t have appropriate clothing or bras yet just seems even more daunting!

I don’t want dh’s family to think I’m being petty (neither SIL or mil breastfed so not sure they’d really understand) and with post partum hormones running wild at the moment, I’m panicking I’ll come across as stupid for not wanting to go right now!

What would you do?

I wouldn’t go. I would say I was still recovering from c section and so not up for it. That’s enough of a reason.

If you actually want to go but it’s just the issues with not being able to afford bras etc, as previous posters have suggested, there are other cheaper options. I never spent more than £10 on a single nursing bra. Over that just seemed ridiculous.

just hoping mil and SIL aren't mad about it if they're mad you're putting yours and your newborns welfare ahead of a child's party, a child who honestly won't much care if you're there or not, then their opinion isn't worth having any way!!

You absolutely shouldn’t go if you don’t fancy it - you’ve got a very wee baby, you’re recovering from birth, and you’re knackered. Any of those reasons are fine!

Re breastfeeding, I echo what PPs say - it does get easier, and I found the more I fed in public the less awkward I found it. I’d have a chat with you DH about it to make sure he’s got your back in those situations - the first few times I fed in public it made it easier that my partner was sitting with me giving moral support and primed to pass me a drink or help shift a cardigan or shove a cushion under my elbow if I needed him to.

The absolute best thing I bought for feeding was a few primark 1.80 vests in different colours. I wore them literally all the time for the past year, am wearing one now in fact, and found that whatever else I might put over the top it’s much easier to just pull the stretchy vest down than to fuck about with all the folds of fabric in those special nursing tops.

Good luck!

Yeah I think once I've got over that initial hurdle of breastfeeding in front of others/in public, it'll gradually get easier, but the idea of my first time being in front of the in laws is very daunting, especially when you throw in the latching and let down issues, combined with the fact I honestly do not have a single suitable thing to wear right now.

I think I'll order myself some sports bras soon and see how I get on with those. Obviously if I can afford paying £££ on expensive nursing bras that'd be great, but I am pretty darn big up top so need a fair bit of support and doubt I'll get away with just wearing a simple structured/padded vest. All things for me to potentially consider and look in to though!

If you have very big boobs then i really recommend the Elomi nursing bra, no other bra gives me comfy push-up support. I use cheaper soft bras around the house, but to me it was important for feeling myself to go out. (The nursing bras I bought in late pregnancy were way too small when my milk came in so I bought 3 sizes on Amazon and DH sent back the 2 that didn't fit, all sorted within 2 days.)

Check your dresses carefully, cowl neck can be pulled down to breastfeed and several of my jersey dresses or tops are likewise perfectly accessible. A cardigan and pull-down top can be easier than pull up/down tops for big boobs. I also bought some cheap nice dresses on Amazon from Krisp and Happy Mama that people compliment as though they cost, well certainly more than the £12 they did cost.

Please don't just get sports bras!
Everything I recommended is good for large breasts (seriously mine were 30HH at one point)

I second the h&m maternity vest tops, I lived in them for the first six weeks at least. I have big boobs (that were ginormous when feeding) but they were supportive enough that I didn't need a bra. Just order a couple online they're not expensive.

But I don't think you should go to the party regardless. Like ops said, just say you're not ready and your DH take the older two.

Don't go!!

My last post was supposed to say if I can avoid spending loads!! Whoops!

Will have a look in to the maternity vest tops, but honestly, without any real support, my boobs basically tickle my belly button. I wish I was joking about their size__ and their sag.

Very envious of small boobed ladies who's babies delicately cover their entire boob. Meanwhile I'm over here struggling to fit my nipple in my babies mouth properly 🤦🏻‍♀️

Blimey, managing without a nursing bra sounds rather uncomfortable (although I am v flatchested and having big tense boobs while breastfeeding was a novelty for me!) Why do you have to take all 3 kids into town with you when you go to get measured up? Can't your husband look after them while you go in? If you don't feel comfortable going to his sister's, just don't go. But, echoing other posters, it is a bit concerning that you are married with 3 kids under 3 and don't have enough money to buy yourself something basic like a nursing bra, which is hardly a luxury. Is it the both of you together that can't afford it? Or does your husband have enough money?

Your not being unreasonable at all to not want to go you are being unreasonable to assume that because your SIL and MIL didn't breastfeed they wouldn't understand your reasons. Just say thank you for the invite but I'm not quiet ready to be away from home that long just yet. Congratulations as well x

It's nearly both of our paydays so money runs tight the week before we get paid. Plus we had to shell out £150 tenancy renewal this week including a rise in rent, birthdays etc so we're not exactly rolling in cash til payday. I understand a lot of people on here have plenty of money all month long, but that's sadly not the case with us!

I wouldn't be going if your not comfortable. I couldn't have managed without nursing bras as both side used to let down at same time during a feed.

Never used specialist clothes. Just vest top that pulled under boobs (or bump band) and a top over it to lift up.

Lilypads (silicone breast pads were lift saver as were washable breast pads)

I think having a newborn baby, and recovering from major surgery at the same time, is a perfectly good enough reason to avoid social occasions like this if you don't feel up to it.

For what it's worth, I didn't bother with proper breastfeeding clothes, I just wore a strappy top under my normal tops- pull the top layer up and the strappy top down to feed. But I do think nursing bras are a must. I think mine were fairly cheap mothercare ones but my boobs aren't huge, I understand supporting larger boobs is likely to be more expensive!

Asda are doing some nursing bras pretty cheap

I’m also envious of small-breasted women who can get away with bralets or normal bras for breastfeeding (I could never just slip an arm out of the strap without having to take the whole thing off!). I need properly structured jobs which cost a fortune, and it’s very limited in choice when it comes to nursing bras! I don’t use special breastfeeding clothes however, just the one up one down thing (provided it’s not a heatwave - no one wants to wear two vests then). In your shoes OP I wouldn’t go.

I’m not terribly large boobed. I struggled with supply but persevered with ebf. I fed loads in the beginning to try to establish feeding. Things aren’t always easier on the other side. It sounds as if you’re doing the best you can under the circumstances like we all are / did.

So don’t go getting upset with your body for not performing as you like - that’s a hiding to nowhere. Centre on as many things as you can pre-empt / control. I was really jealous of a mum, who could hand pump more in minutes for a younger baby than mine than I could get off with a hospital grade double electric pump.

Talking of pumping, I have seen on past threads that experienced people with a fast let down also suggest expressing a little first as the flow then slows after the initial big splurge. Apparently this also helps with the engorged nipple. Idk if this could help you?

Congratulations and well done! I didn’t manage breast feeding the first time round but DD2 is now 9 weeks and we are still going.

Yanbu to stay at home.

On Amazon there is a seller called Smallshow who sell reasonably priced nursing clothes.

I would not be staying anywhere 2 weeks after a csec. you dont have to make up any reason op. you are recovering from major surgery as well. he can tale the other DC with him or he can explain that you are not ready. dont feel bad about anything, you have just given birth and have a tiny newborn. thats enough for anyone to get the message.

3 weeks post csection, you are not obligated to go anywhere.

I am concerned about you not having access to a bra if you need one. If you weren’t breastfeeding, you would be buying formula. Surely that money could be used for a starter bra. You don’t want to buy too many early on anyway because your size won’t settle for a bit. To start, get something stretchy and comfortable.

If I were you I'd just stay at home and look after the baby's needs.

I'd be careful using nipple cream as often as you've described (I've got 14 months bf experience). A lactation counsellor who ran a class I attended warned that over use stops the skin from breathing which can lead to problems and to only use it when the skin is cracked for example.

I'm using new look nursing bras and found them affordable (but obviously everyone's circumstances are different). Buying cheap vests to wear under existing tops will save you having to buy special bf clothes too (vest comes down, top comes up).

Good luck establishing bf

Just to say there's no way you need to spend £40 in my experience. Unless you need a special bra.

I had lots of BFing bras but actually found sports crop tops really good and the h&m vests mentioned up thread.

I think it's fair that you don't go but if it's only lack of breastfeeding clothes I'm not sure that should hold you back

Stay at home and feed. Worrying about stupid stuff like this was why I ended up failing to bf. Do what suits you and baby. No one else. I totally get the needing to be top half naked to feed. It happens so easily for some people they have no idea the struggle others have.

You’ve just had a baby and major surgery. Stay at home.

Don't feel the need to come up with extensive reasons not to go. You're a few weeks postpartum, just send DH with the other two & take advantage of a quiet afternoon. Send your apologies & just say you need your rest.

Also if baby is latching on well, breastfeeding shouldn't be too much of an ordeal out & about. Definitely google tips on breastfeeding in public & watch yourself nursing in a mirror, it gives you confidence that no one really sees anything when you are. But stop making excuses, just use the MN "no" & enjoy an afternoon in bed cluster feeding - I recommend watching GLOW on Netflix & eating kinder bueno 😋