WIBU to not go to SIL's (breastfeeding related)

[heeeeeyduggee]

Currently have a two week old baby (dc3) who I’m breastfeeding. I never managed to breastfeed DC1 or DC2 for a variety of reasons, and I didn’t actually plan on breastfeeding this time around due to the complications I ran in to last time, so as such, I’ve not yet got any nursing bras or nursing appropriate clothing, and have been pretty much topless every day since dc3 was born as a result of all of my bras hurting/my clothing not really being practical for feeding.

I had a c section and have three DC’s under 3, so it’s going to be at least a couple more weeks until I feel ready to head in to town by myself with all of them and get myself measured for nursing bras (not to mention save up the money for them as they seem to be quite pricey for decent ones!) and pick out some clothes that will be suitable for the breastfeeding lifestyle.

The issue is, DH told me this afternoon that his sister wants us to go to hers next weekend for his nieces birthday. I don’t have the money this week to shell out for bras (not paid until the following week) so going to hers would literally mean going braless, leaking everywhere constantly whilst applying nipple cream every half hour, and essentially getting naked on my top half whenever dc3 wants a feed. Dc3 is prone to cluster feeding in the afternoon, his ‘witching hours’ seem to be between 1pm and 5pm (fabulous timing!) so would be slap bang when we’re supposed to be at SIL’s, meaning that if I went and decided to nurse in a different room to avoid getting my boobs out in front of SIL’s husband and mil’s fiancé (who we virtually never see), I might as well set up camp in there thanks to the constant cluster feeding.

WIBU to just not go? I’ve not yet breastfed in front of anyone other than DH and health visitors/midwives, so feeding in front of dh’s family when I don’t have appropriate clothing or bras yet just seems even more daunting!

I don’t want dh’s family to think I’m being petty (neither SIL or mil breastfed so not sure they’d really understand) and with post partum hormones running wild at the moment, I’m panicking I’ll come across as stupid for not wanting to go right now!

What would you do?

I have not read the entire thread as currently got reduced hand movement due to small 5 week old feeding whilst I write so please forgive me if I say something wrong....

You’ve just had a c section. It may not seem it but even 3 weeks post c section going to a kids party is likely to be a big ask of you even without anything else.

Factor in that you need time to get used to the feeding etc AND I can’t imagine a worse place other than a school for your newborn to pick up kids bugs like colds etc and frankly I would be saying an outright no chance even if I had the right clothes.

Should you choose to go however wear something that you can layer. Lower layer to expose boob with a cardi to cover up. Then tuck a Muslin cloth in your upper bra strap and you’re going to be as covered as most official breastfeeding clothes anyway.

But I would not be going

Yanbu..don't go.

Also, nipple shields could get you over the worst of these weeks before the tongue the is fixed, you could try them if in pain.

I just want to say that you're doing brilliantly, OP, and should continue to do what's best for your baby and for you. Don't go to the party, that would be ridiculous. Stay at home and focus on what you have to do. Your husband can go without you and if anyone criticises you for looking after your baby you'll know that they do not have your best interests at heart.

These two videos are great:

And look for strong let down videos too.

Send the husband with the other two, and stay at home yourself. Apart from the feeding, you’ve had surgery; you have a newborn; there will be a tonne of kids running around with all their germs. But the feeding is enough of a reason in itself at this stage - by three weeks I was still struggling with a wriggly baby who pulled off at let down, or frankly at any noise. I wouldn’t have wanted to feed in front of a load of people at that point either.

And going off into another room can also be tricky. DS was a slow and frequent and indiscreet feeder, and I spent most of my time in another room when visiting my inlaws. Inevitably, my toddler would come find me, bringing all her cousins with her, and I’d be left with all the kids while all the adults had a lovely old chat. I would have preferred to stay at home, and frequently did tbh - at least I could watch television in peace while the baby fed and dozed. Yes, I know - I could have fed in front of in-laws. But if you have a baby who pops on and off and won’t tolerate a cover of any sort, it’s not always that easy.

Re the soreness: I had the same as mine had a tongue tie and I’m getting effected by my raynauds as well.

I find a warm flannel before feeding and after to clean really helps in addition to the Lansinoh etc. Make sure it’s not thrush as well as that can hurt like you wouldn’t believe. Check for red or flaky nipples.

Re the latch: remember nose to nipple. Don’t allow baby to latch until the mouth is wide then I find it easier to bring nipple to mouth than mouth to nipple myself as mine shuts his mouth if you love him. You want the mouth round as much of the aureole not just the nipple and chin touching with nose clear.

Useful photo

YANBU not to go the party but I'd just say it was because you're 3 weeks post-birth.
You really don't need an expensive new wardrobe for breastfeeding. I definitely never paid £40 - £80 for breastfeeding bras. JoJoMamanBebe has two for £19. You also don't need special tops or blouses. Layers are your friend or carry a shawl/pashmina in your bag. It's all daunting just now but it will come together and it doesn't need to be expensive at all.

YANBU not to want to go to the party, given all the circumstances you describe. If I were you I'd stay at home with the baby and send DP with the older two.

Breastfeeding a baby with tongue tie / latch issues is really hard (I've been there) and you're doing a great job so far. Is there any way you could bring your TT appointment forward at all? A lactation consultant or good breastfeeding counsellor should be able to advise on it.

As for breastfeeding-friendly bras and clothes... I really wouldn't recommend dragging yourself and the kids around the shops, when they won't necessarily have a huge choice anyway. Do what you can online first.
Boob or Bust to get an idea of your size before you try bras
(If you want to get fitted in a shop, Bravissimo is the best option, provided there's one near you)
Can I breastfeed in it? - if you're on Facebook, join the group - it's a great source of budget friendly solutions.

As for specific recommendations, it depends on your bra size, because some of the "standard" nursing bras and vests won't fit if you have a large cup size. (H&M nursing vests for example, my boobs fell out!) These are my recommendations if you do have big'uns:

Kindred Bravely nursing bras - bought from Amazon - not a huge amount of support but comfy and fine to wear around the house, plus easy to get a boob out

Sugar Candy nursing bra - £36 from Poinsettia style - you might have to wait until payday but so worth it! Good for the early days when your size is fluctuating as the material is stretchy and there are lots of hooks to adjust the band.

Bshirt - I had a few of these that I wore to death, you can wear it by itself or with a cardie / shirt / anything over the top.

And just stretchy vests from H&M (normal vests not nursing ones), I wore them under normal tops and did OUOD (one up one down) - you pull your T-shirt up and pull the vest down.

Hope that's helpful x

Midwife on day 10 tried helping me with my latch, and even she commented on how small DC's mouth is and that he's a 'snappy' baby. He basically doesn't open wide whatsoever and is very, very quick to close his mouth again once it is open, meaning I spend a lot of time trying to latch correctly, only for him to then pull off during the let down and it is quite explosive and forceful.

He's a snack feeder too, hence me saying that if I was to go but chose to feed in a different room, I'd be up and down constantly as his cluster feeds are currently falling slap bang in the middle of the afternoon, so the chances are that me and dc would barely see anyone anyway.

If I had the right clothing (ie; not a wardrobe full of dresses and bras that no longer fit), had breastfed around someone other than my DH, and had properly 'established' feeding with no hiccups, I'd feel more comfortable with going. But right now, the thought of leaking milk everywhere in clothes that don't work around breastfeeding, and sitting in a room with male in laws who I barely ever see whilst whipping my boob out makes me want to cry a bit lol!

I got my nursing bras online from Hot Milk, they were really pretty, as well as practical, I felt quite sad when the time came for me to ditch them!

Just send him with the older two and give yourself up to you and your newborn for a couple of hours. I’m sure they can go to a playground on the way home too, maybe out for a pizza as well...

Of course there is no need to go but OP I’ve got to ask- are you going to be ok in the house all this time? A 2 week old baby and it’ll be a couple more weeks before you can buy bras and clothes - that’s a month inside the house. I think that could really make you quite depressed. Keep an eye on it

I totally understand op. My in laws came to visit the day my milk came in. I was wearing a t shirt belonging to dh. Leaking everywhere. I just wanted them to leave.

Sounds like classic tongue tie tbh, I'd get it properly assessed and (if necessary) divided ASAP.

Fuck going anywhere while you’re still establishing breastfeeding!

I’m now 7 months into breastfeeding and it’s like second nature but I remember the early days so well, it’s tough but worth it. I sobbed on my little ones head more than once.

Say that dh will take the dc to the party, then nearer the time (like on the morning) see how you are feeling and if you are feeling ok, go with them. I’m sure no one would mind an extra family member with a new born baby coming along unexpectedly. If you aren’t feeling up to it, then don’t go and no one will be disappointed because they weren’t expecting you anyway.

A week is a long time for a new born and things change fast with them, you might find the cluster feeding times change and baby can space their feeds for longer, that you are generally feeling a bit better as you’ve had a bit more recovery time. You might feel that you are missing seeing people and actually want to see people. You might feel none of those things and that is fine, for you not to go, but don’t write it off this early if you can change your mind at the last minute.

I would defo get the H&M tops. You don't need to measure for them and they are so useful. Get proper nursing bras at a much later point. You'll likely find you change in size by about 6 weeks in anyway so think about then.

Wtf no, don't go. Only an absolute sociopath would expect someone to drag themselves to a birthday party three weeks post partum. Especially post C section.

You don't even need to explain, literally nobody should be expecting this of you or even suggesting it.

It’s fine to say you’re not up to it yet.

But if you wear a vest top under a normal top, pull the vest down and normal top up to feed. Nobody will see anything

If you don’t want to go that’s absolutely fine. But ifyou do, there are solutions to the problems in your first post.

My advice your be to decide nearer the time. Things change a lot in these early weeks.

If you do want to go you could ask (in advance) if it would be ok for you to use a quiet room to breastfeed in, a bedroom with a comfy chair maybe.

I don't think women should have to hide away to breastfeed but in the early days when you're still getting the hang of things, it makes sense to want a bit of privacy so you'll feel more comfortable and relaxed.

I would like to go, but ideally I'd prefer to have feeding properly established and not be faffing around getting the right latch for ages, then holding muslins over my breasts when my overactive let down kicks in, clothes to wear other than dresses and bras that fit properly. It's also not ideal, as I've mentioned before, that the first people I'd be breastfeeding around (other than DH and health care professionals) would be the in laws who I hardly ever see and don't have a huge relationship with.

I think if the invite was a few weeks down the line, I'd perhaps be more inclined to definitely go, but I'm currently leaning a whole lot more towards not going and just hoping mil and SIL aren't mad about it.

I forgot to add, my favourite nursing vest was Hot Milk (F-H cup version). They it on sale for £16 in blue in some sizes
uk.hotmilklingerie.com/collections/sleep/products/my-everyday-camisole-blue

I'm currently leaning a whole lot more towards not going and just hoping mil and SIL aren't mad about it.

Hang on, OP, I think you made a typo there. Let me fix it for you:

I'm currently leaning a whole lot more towards not going and just
not caring if mil and SIL are shallow enough to be mad about me putting my baby first.

There! Much better.