WIBU to not go to SIL's (breastfeeding related)

[heeeeeyduggee]

Currently have a two week old baby (dc3) who I’m breastfeeding. I never managed to breastfeed DC1 or DC2 for a variety of reasons, and I didn’t actually plan on breastfeeding this time around due to the complications I ran in to last time, so as such, I’ve not yet got any nursing bras or nursing appropriate clothing, and have been pretty much topless every day since dc3 was born as a result of all of my bras hurting/my clothing not really being practical for feeding.

I had a c section and have three DC’s under 3, so it’s going to be at least a couple more weeks until I feel ready to head in to town by myself with all of them and get myself measured for nursing bras (not to mention save up the money for them as they seem to be quite pricey for decent ones!) and pick out some clothes that will be suitable for the breastfeeding lifestyle.

The issue is, DH told me this afternoon that his sister wants us to go to hers next weekend for his nieces birthday. I don’t have the money this week to shell out for bras (not paid until the following week) so going to hers would literally mean going braless, leaking everywhere constantly whilst applying nipple cream every half hour, and essentially getting naked on my top half whenever dc3 wants a feed. Dc3 is prone to cluster feeding in the afternoon, his ‘witching hours’ seem to be between 1pm and 5pm (fabulous timing!) so would be slap bang when we’re supposed to be at SIL’s, meaning that if I went and decided to nurse in a different room to avoid getting my boobs out in front of SIL’s husband and mil’s fiancé (who we virtually never see), I might as well set up camp in there thanks to the constant cluster feeding.

WIBU to just not go? I’ve not yet breastfed in front of anyone other than DH and health visitors/midwives, so feeding in front of dh’s family when I don’t have appropriate clothing or bras yet just seems even more daunting!

I don’t want dh’s family to think I’m being petty (neither SIL or mil breastfed so not sure they’d really understand) and with post partum hormones running wild at the moment, I’m panicking I’ll come across as stupid for not wanting to go right now!

What would you do?

These are the ones I have, they do a dark grey and black pack too, I got them in the sale for £10 for two I think full price they're £20 for two, only works if you've a smaller bust thigh as no underwire and made from stretchy cotton type fabric

No way you would be completely reasonable to not go anywhere for a while yet , I think my baby was about 5-6 weeks after my c section before I was ready to venture out , most decent people will understand that .

The H&M nursing vests are amazing. I have about eight and don't ever wear bras, just wear those underneath a t-shirt or whatever. I don't have small boobs either, but they support me nicely.

"When you say you haven’t got the money for a bra, what do you mean?"

I wondered as well. Do you not have shared money?
In terms of feeling uncomfortable, I know exactly how you feel. When DD was a few weeks old I wasn't ready to go out and about with her either.

New baby is reason enough not To go. I felt like hibernating with dd2, didn't even want to go to my mums!
Dd3 is 11 days old today and despite being very comfortable breastfeeding I don't really want to go out anywhere (am lucky dh is on paternity leave for a few more days!)

Wow, section, breastfeeding?! Nope you're not going anywhere! I didn't manage to go anywhere like that for a good 6 weeks.

You can get new breastfeeding bras on EBay for a fiver. They aren’t going to be the best thing in the world, but if it means you can actually wear some clothes until you can get a decent bra, it’ll be fine. The vest under a t shirt trick that op have mentioned worked well for me as well.

Regardless of whether you go to your SILs or not, you do need comfortable clothes that you feel confident feeding in.

m2.hm.com/m/en_gb/productpage.0534164003.html

These are the ones. They have inbuilt support so you just unclip and pull down. It also means you don't ever have to expose your tummy, which, as someone who also had a section, is a good thing (and still is for me 7 months on!)

When you say you haven’t got the money for a bra, what do you mean?

I think OP probably means that she hasn't got the money for a bra.

FFS not everyone has money for unforeseen extras, why is that so hard to understand?

I'm not looking for reasons not go..
it's just while breastfeeding is going a lot better than it did with my previous DC's, it still isn't easy at all. I'm waiting to be seen by a breastfeeding consultant to help me with my latch, and dc has an appointment next month regarding a suspected tongue tie, so thanks to both of those issues, I'm taking frequent painkillers as my nipples are sore, hence me being topless 24/7 and applying lansinoh at any given opportunity.

I think because I already have DC's, it's somewhat instilled in me that I should just 'get on with things', go here, do this, do that etc. It's hard to remember that I guess it is okay for me to take a few extra weeks until I'm ready and have all of the things I need.

DH is basically the same size as myself and thanks to my breast being enormous, his t shirts don't really offer me much relief.

Thank you for reassuring me that it wouldn't be unreasonable for me to stay home. I've told DH that he should go and take DC1 and DC2 with him. Just hope the in laws understand!

“FFS not everyone has money for unforeseen extras, why is that so hard to understand?”

Of course. It’s not hard to understand at all. But she said she had to wait for her payday and she has a dp. So it is legitimate to wonder......

Regarding the money, we of course have money.. but the ones I've been eyeballing and have been recommended by several breastfeeding friends are around £30-£40 each. I wasn't planning on breastfeeding so spending £80 odd on bras wasn't budgeted for with this months pay. We're not broke, but we also don't have that kind of money to throw around on underwear unfortunately.

DH isn't paid until after me, just to clear that up.
He wouldn't begrudge me money....

Just don't go - it sounds like a major stress with baby cluster feeding never mind the lack of underwear. In only a few more weeks you'll be able to go to things again - people will understand.

I was the same with clothes - went up 5 cup sizes so nothing fitted. Had some of the H and M vest tops that someone mentioned which were great for around the house but not really suitable for out and about. I went to m and s to get measured at 4 w pp, they were really good especially as baby kept crying and needed feeding during the fitting! bought a 2 pack for £25 so not that dear.. you just need slightly loose t shirts for feeding, nothing special. You may not have anything that's baggy now of course, even if it was before!

Anyway - don't put pressure on yourself - baby comes first and that is going to mean turning down invites and visitors sometimes, and making sure you are relaxed and rested yourself

Just don't go
Send dh on his own

Don't go out if you aren't up to it, though it did sound like you have other things to get on top of, so it's good to try to get help with that.

Latch - our children's centres have a weekly breastfeeding session and la leche league meet monthly, might that help? Use loads of lansinoh and if you can get a bra then nipple pads can keep it all moist so it heals quickly; you can get washable ones. There isn't much you can do with a tongue tie that won't cause some pain apart from express until it's fixed, have you been signed off by midwives or can you ask them for a loan of equipment to express until the tongue tie is sorted out, at least for some daytime feeds to let your boobs recover? Ask health visitors if you've been signed off.

Bra - measure yourself and buy online if you can, do either of you have any credit cards to just pay for that before payday? Keep a pad on your boob to try on and you can send back if it doesn't work. I have big boobs and would say John Lewis nursing bras are comfy enough even to sleep in. Elomi have a nice push-up nursing bra, so no need to feel uncomfortable. If you say your boob size / shape then someone similar can probably help.

One of my friends wore a sports bra instead of a maternity one as it was cheaper and she found it more comfortable. Might be easier to order online in correct size than maternity bras are, when you’re paid.
For what it’s worth, it’s such early days for you post section that if you just plain don’t feel comfortable going, just don’t go. Anything to avoid extra stress early on!
Hope you get some breastfeeding clothes that you feel comfortable in soon.

It sounds perfect- OH takes the older two and gives you the afternoon at home with your baby having a few hours with your feet up nursing your baby.
Make sure you have food/snacks, juice, phone and remote control.
OH tells SIL you are not up to going out right now as you are still recovering .

I don;t see the problem.

Stay at home and send hubby with younger two

Don't go, give yourself some slack for a while, get breastfeeding established and comfortable with it. Do things at your own pace, it's really early to be charging round visiting. DH can take the others. I think pps are getting too caught up in practical solutions, when it's not just the practical side.

YANBU.

Of course you are reasonable not to go. The realities of breastfeeding in the early days were a complete shock to me as people dont talk about it much. I now can appreciate more why some cultures have a tradition of not leaving the house for 40 days - before I thought that was just some antifeminist way to keep women in their place. Of course if you're up and about that's fab too. Options are key. Hopefully they will all understand but even if not you must do what's right for you and your baby at this very early stage, and do it unapologetically.

Don't even mention the feeding if you don't want to - you're only 3 weeks post op, so just say you really don't feel up to it yet.

I had big boobs, so did get the expensive non-underwired ones (and then only stopped wearing them when they were absolutely dead, a couple of years later, because I was enjoying having no underwires!), but TBH, for half my pregnancy, when I just couldn't handle anything tight around my body, I wore some cheapy things from Amazon which were just like very thick tights material, and just wobbled a lot - I still wear them round sometimes now, because some days I just don't want to wear a real bra. - I think they were probably 3 for a tenner. Then I just wore a t-shirt and a vest so I could pull up the t-shirt, pull down the vest and bra and feed. It does take a while to get the knack though!

I intended breast feeding and bought a nice collection of nursing bras in larger cup sizes. Unfortunately I’d underestimated just how big a cup size I’d need for full milk supply coming through.

I wasn’t post c-s so shopping wasn’t difficult, but as I hate shopping in any circumstances, and had to stop and feed frequently, after several hours without any success in the correct size, I gave up. Went in primark, partially because it was nearby, partially because cheap bras aren’t overly supportive to large breasts.

I bought a few cheap underwired bras in the correct size and simply cut the wiring out so they were easy to push either up or down to feed. I imagine one marketed as adjustable for strapless, halter necks etc would do equally well. So if you have £5 or so you could try the same.

I’d worn a lot of vest tops throughout a very hot summer pregnancy, so for the most part just continued to wear them under whatever top I had on so I didn’t feel quite as exposed when still getting to grips. Not to mention they were ideal for hiding the fact that for the first and only time in my life my chest burst out of most other clothes compatible with breastfeeding.

Don't go if you don't want to, of course that's fine. You really, really don't need expensive breastfeeding bras though. I just bought some stretchy bralette style bras for next to nothing and they were just the job. You don't need special breastfeeding clothes you can just wear a vest and a t-shirt - one up, one down.