AIBU to take away the ham sandwich?

[Mykidsdrivemeupthefluckingwall]

My 8yo has been in a pissy mood all morning (most his life)
And he asked for something to eat so I made him a ham sandwich.
So he moaned why was it ham? I don't want ham. I said tough that's what it is, some people don't even have food so stop whining.
Carried on moaning.
Then started moaning, oh fine I'll have to FORCE MYSELF to eat it then!!!
So I took it off him and ate it myself.

And now he's having a wobbler that he's going to starve and it's all my fault.

Please tell me I wasn't being unreasonable and he's being a brat.

Wow, sandwich crisis. Dare I suggest jam sandwiches for the future?
They were DD's staple diet as an 8 year old and she's grown into a
charming young woman, with her own teeth and everything.
Meanwhile OP, relax on a lovely grey and rainy Sunday and have
some nice gin. Yes, it's gin o'clock in the Bloke household.

@kimmy3001

Ffs!! Some people on here are absolutely rediculous!

you are RIDICULOUS to change the spelling of the word RIDICULOUS after auto correct tells you it is RIDICULOUS. If you don't have auto correct, you need it.

Do people actually ask their kids exactly what they want to eat for every meal?

We meal plan together so we have plenty of meals in to choose from so yes. I have no idea what she’ll have for lunch so I’m perfectly happy for her to have input into meal times. Especially as she sometimes cooks and assists in clean up etc.

Some people here are dramatic. He'll be fine OP

Do people actually ask their kids exactly what they want to eat for every meal?

Kind of, yes.

For lunch we have x, y or z type thing. Or do you fancy fish or chicken for tea?

Sometimes I wonder about all the posters who see their children as lesser beings who should be grateful to get fed and never consider to give them their voice. I'm not talking about a tantrum if child like in the OP, I'm talking about choice and voice long before it gets to that stage. We never had any issues around food because we let the kids have an option.

Well played op. My dc often whine about being hungry and if I offer them x they always want y. I just laugh and tell them they can't be that hungry then.

Also if DC refuse to share sweets etc they know I will take them and eat them all

Well played op. My dc often whine about being hungry and if I offer them x they always want y. I just laugh and tell them they can't be that hungry then.

But what's wrong with giving them Y? You have turned it into a power game and think it's funny. Not sure there is any need to do that. What's wrong with 'ok, do you want x or y?'

Glad it made you laugh op.

I remain amazed at the extent to which Cult of Choice goes to. Fair enough that children get to make some choices in their lives, but why about so much or inappropriate things?

So, mealtimes in many houses are busy and can be fraught. Most people deal with it by making a dinner and serving it. There isn’t a discussion about what that meal will be or the option to pick something else. Parent obviously makes something people like or like most of. People sit down saying ‘what’s for dinner’ not ‘I want x....’ and when it comes out they eat all or some of it. It’s known that some days it’s your favourite and other days it’s not. Job done.

Very small children might be asked ‘would you like this t shirt or this one today’ or ‘would you like the blue or green plate’ or ‘shall we get Lego or colouring out’ but why would you ask them ‘do you want to go to bed now later’ or ‘do you want to put your shoes on so we can go out’ or ‘what would you like for dinner tonight’ or any questions where their answer might make family life hugely difficult. Or worse still, never be willing to say ‘no’.

It’s about balance and being the adult who does the parenting isn’t it. That means knowing when to give choice and when it’s time to tell a child what’s happening and to give boundaries so they know that on lots of things, you do decide.

“Do people actually ask their kids exactly what they want to eat for every meal?”
It depends. Family meals no- the person cooking will make something they know everyone likes. At the moment it’s just me and one teenager so we negotiate. One thing I would never do is cook multiple meals. Happy to leave things out if possible- a portion of pasta not in the sauce, for example. Or some unbuttered potatoes for one particularly eccentric family member. But not completely different meals.

@joblotbubble

Oh my god. I am absolutely mortified (did I spell mortified correctly?) That's it, I will have to go back and check all my grammar and spellings (did I spell spellings correctly?)... the kids will have to fend for themselves whilst I work on my spellings. It's completely their choice so ice cream and chocolate cake it is for tea 😂

@NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace
I meant children have so fewer possibilities to make decisions than adults, not choices. I’m full of cold and couldn’t find the right words. I am coming from the perspective that I wasn’t allowed an opinion or much of a choice as a child. I make sure my dd knows she can make choices and have firm opinions. I therefore don’t think the range of views coming back as a split of snowflake parents never saying no vs no nonsense parenting. I can be no nonsense when needed.

I remain amazed at the extent to which Cult of Choice goes to

But why? Isn’t it just as simple as different things work for different people?

Using your mealtime example, meals have never been fraught so it’s always been really simple to have an enjoyable meal together which means we both have input into what we eat.

Gosh I’ve read that back and I have said choices again. I mean it from enabling my dd to make decisions perspective. I hope that make sense.

And with older families and smaller families it might be more possible to chat about what the meal will be. Fine.

But if there are 6 people in the family and 2 appear 5 mins before dinner and one will need to eat an hour later because that’s when they get in that night, it makes sense for the cook to choose (something people like or like most of) and just go with it.
I’m not into forcing people to eat meals they hate but I’m also not into the idea you only eat your favourite. In family life we accept some meals are more our favourite than others and also that we are not the only one and living as part of a group requires compromise sometimes. Even small children can start to learn this by not always being pandered to.

I can never get over the amount of eight year olds on Mumsnet who make sandwiches and clear up themselves. I would offered a selection of food and asked them to choose. You are a mother and you should feed your child. Glad everyone in here is going to make you feel you did right but I think what you did was disgraceful.

But what's wrong with giving them Y? You have turned it into a power game and think it's funny. Not sure there is any need to do that. What's wrong with 'ok, do you want x or y?'

It’s only by regularly giving them the choice that this can ever turn into a potential power game. If children are used to getting what they’re given (within reason obviously - it’s not fair to offer something you know they don’t enjoy, but OP didn’t do that) then there’s no ‘power game’ to play, they just take the food and eat it because ‘do you want x or y’ can then easily turn into ‘I want z actually - no I’ve changed my mind I do want y - why have you made y? I don’t want it anymore, make x for me...’

Are you generally angry with him and this is how it shows itself? I really hope not! If it is, then he's only the symptoms of it. kids measure love by little things like this so I'd be mindful in my reactions to them so they feel loved, understood and cared for through these little things. I'd be spending more time with him on teaching him how to express his feelings and wants in a healthier and more constructive way so we'd be both happier with our communications and our relationship with one another. Best of luck

I’m not into forcing people to eat meals they hate but I’m also not into the idea you only eat your favourite. In family life we accept some meals are more our favourite than others and also that we are not the only one and living as part of a group requires compromise sometimes

I don’t think I ever intimated it was always about eating your favourite thing, but about enjoying a meal. If DD comes home having had pasta for lunch, I don’t see it as a big deal if we swap “pasta salad” for “chicken” from the meal plan.

Why shouldn’t an 8 year old make their own sandwich? Mine loved being able to do things for themselves and for other people too. The pride in the face of a child who has made a cup of tea for granny is lovely.

Jaques - are you a family of 2 and your child is at the older end? I think it’s a very different situation to living with several small children. Perhaps living with one older child is a bit like being a couple in terms of food etc - you will discuss it and plan together more. You might do this for lots of things which families with smaller and lots of children might not do so much.

An only child doesn’t have to learn to fit in with the others so much, and that their wishes aren’t always asked for or can’t always be accommodated. The dynamic is a bit different.

It’s only by regularly giving them the choice that this can ever turn into a potential power game. If children are used to getting what they’re given (within reason obviously - it’s not fair to offer something you know they don’t enjoy, but OP didn’t do that) then there’s no ‘power game’ to play, they just take the food and eat it  because ‘do you want x or y’ can then easily turn into ‘I want z actually - no I’ve changed my mind I do want y - why have you made y? I don’t want it anymore, make x for me...’

Except OP didn't give a choice and still had the argument. Not sure anyway is more right (mainly because all children respond differently and we should adjust our parenting accordingly) I just don't have a problem allowing children a choice.

When my five were small I'd cook one single meal of several components, and they could 'trade food' if they didn't like something and someone else did. So fishfinges, chips and peas. One child I swear ate nothing but everyone else's peas for several years - they have all grown up to eat a good range of foods, and are all very healthy.

But as a working single mum of five with two jobs, I was damned if I'd cook separate meals or enter 'negotiation' with children who would argue with each other about which day it was.

Any (space) way

are you a family of 2 and your child is at the older end? I think it’s a very different situation to living with several small children. Perhaps living with one older child is a bit like being a couple in terms of food etc - you will discuss it and plan together more. You might do this for lots of things which families with smaller and lots of children might not do so much

Yes we are now.

Didn’t do anything differently when she was smaller/we were a family of three.

We always meal planned with our parents so it’s just something I’ve done ever since DD was capable of being part of the discussion.

I really don’t think this is about parents exerting power or undue power over children.

The fact is that small children need to be patented. There are things they can have choices about but other things they aren’t mature enough to decide or to decide sensibly and with the bigger picture of family life or wider issues in mind. In these circumstances parents need to be the parents and decide. Sometimes it’s right to have detailed explanations about why things are happening and other times children won’t understand or their behaviour or circumstances just mean a parent needs to take charge and make a choice, maybe without explanation. This isn’t power crazed but good parenting.

Of course as children get older they can make more choices. When there are lots of children it will always be harder to meet all requests - so in one year it might not be possible for all to have the family holiday they would choose. Learning that you go on the one selected, is part of learning to be part of a family. Even adult children living at home won’t probably choose everything - they might still find their meal is fished up to them without being asked what they want, or the TV is on for something they didn’t choose, or similar.