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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To enjoy sex without an orgasm?

154 replies

ChangedName4it · 20/09/2019 20:31

Hope the name change works

I don't have a massive sex drive when it comes to orgasms but enjoy the closeness of PIV sex. I don't orgasm from PIV only clitoral stimulation and after decades together dh and I know what works.

But an orgasm to me is so much more than the right touch. I need calm mind, no distraction, no drunkenness . So I don't always orgasm. I don't always even want to try to.

But I love the closeness of PIV. I love the feeling of dh enjoying it too.

Dh is concerned that I don't enjoy sex and that it's "your turn now, I've had more" but that's even more pressure!

So in short, AIBU to just want sex? No orgasm? To enjoy just sex?

OP posts:

kellyw1989 · 22/09/2019 06:19

Haha great post, I normally orgasm if I don’t I pretend

HennyPennyHorror · 22/09/2019 06:25

Branleuse are you telling me that the entirety of sex APART from the orgasm is not pleasurable?

Because that's weird.

Normanpriceeh · 22/09/2019 06:27

I love sex, but I've never orgasmed with a partner, male or female. I prefer to orgasm on my own.

bullseye2018 · 22/09/2019 07:08

For heaven sake @Underworld345 what is this “specific position” you mention?! Details please.

I’m interested to hear more about all posters’ specific positions for organism during sex - simultaneous or nay. I’m sure I’m not the only one. I’m pretty experimental in the bedroom but feel like I’m missing something now.

I can get myself off pretty quickly alone but it’s a long and drawn out procedure during sex. And even then it often doesn’t happen.

Pointers?

superram · 22/09/2019 07:24

@StyleO which egg would you recommend?

ThingsImighthavedone · 22/09/2019 08:27

Orgasm is so much about what is in your head as well as what’s going on for your body.

SleepyHiraeth · 22/09/2019 08:33

dont even know what really gets them off

Clitoral stimulation. But I do that myaf better than any man ever could, I've asked DP to try but it takes longer because he's just not as natural at it as I am. I don't enjoy PIV much anyway and cannot orgasm from penetration. Being given oral sex for a long period of time would make me feel on show. I just don't like being expected to orgasm because the man is trying and it literally feels like I'm on a stage with him eagerly waiting and I fucking hate it.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 22/09/2019 09:18

Wow I'm surprised so many people have such a great sex life. I rarely orgasm and when I do it is such hard work. I generally enjoy just being given a good hard f**k

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 22/09/2019 09:28

Although reading this thread has got me going a bit so may have to get the rabbit out...

boujie · 22/09/2019 09:50

Since there appear to be no secrets on this thread...

For me, it's me on top, leaning forward slightly (I usually hold the headboard). Sometimes that's enough on its own, sometimes it needs clitoral stimulation from either me or my husband. It works so quickly that we both save it for last and usually do a few other positions first. I sometimes come from PIV in missionary, but it's much rarer. I never come from PIV in doggy style, spooning or anything else.

By the time we are at PIV I have usually come at least once and often twice /three times from foreplay. I don't think the simultaneous orgasm would be so often achievable if that wasn't the case.

This was not my experience with previous partners - my ex from before my husband only made me orgasm once in a year, and that was really just by chance. The thing that makes the difference is how absolutely relaxed and comfortable I feel with my husband. I don't feel awkward about foreplay taking as long as it takes, because he isn't awkward or uncomfortable, and never gives the smallest indication that he isn't enjoying it.

I think that's part of being a good and generous lover; it's not enough to treat getting someone off as a favour. You have to actually be genuinely invested in it happening.

Marzipane · 22/09/2019 10:10

@bullseye2018 I don't think there's a wrong/right position or magic angle, it really depends on you and your partner and what works for you. I've never been shy in saying 'that doesn't work' and I'd never have sex in any position that wasn't doing it for me. Over the years DH and I have had lots of communication.

We have sex in four or five favourite positions. Nothing crazy - missionary, me on top, and variants of 'doggy' style or spooning.

Lots of foreplay first so we're both really into it (sometimes we do skip foreplay for a quickie), a bit of sexy talk and PIV, with DH or I stimulating my clit using fingers or a vibrator. I can't orgasm with just PIV.

DH then holds off until I'm there. I tell him (in a sexy way, I hope!) if I'd like it faster, slower, deeper etc and once I'm climaxing, he then orgasms too. Sometimes he can't quite hold off but him climaxing then instantly gets me there. Hence 100% simultaneous orgasms, give or take a few seconds.

But as I said upthread, we only have sex 2-3 times a month and I'd love more. But happy to compromise because the sex is good.

AnyMinuteNow · 22/09/2019 10:24

Same Boujie

It doesn't seem to take much to get me going, just talk of it!

I love sex with or without orgasm.

I cannot perform though! Different partners, different results.

Some too intense and uncomfortable. The ones that want to produce an orgasm from you like its their achievement to have made you cum. That changes the dynamic completely and is a complete turn off. Unfortunately a small cock won't do it either.

The sitting on top grinding works well.

The different partners I've spoken to about it say that many experiences they've had of women are of those just lying there till the man has come.

I can't be still enough to just do that. I did have a very dry season for some years with a rubbish partner, but he was rubbish and nasty all round really, so I do think the partner dynamic plays a huge part (f'ner f'ner).

The PIV, for me,is so much better than doing it alone. The cock inside is everything, and, for me, is irreplaceable with anything else. Its a bit like tickling yourself doesn't work. There's so much about the not knowing for me that builds the excitement. That is someone elses hand, fingers, tongue, cock.

Have to stop being graphic now

Karkasaurus · 22/09/2019 11:34

I find that when some men find out what specific position will produce an orgasm, it's all they will focus on. While hissing at you, are you going to come now?

No, I most certainly am not, with you watching me like some creepy hawk.

AnyMinuteNow · 22/09/2019 13:09

Oh god Karka. that is so creepy and familiar with the the rubbish one I was with once. Predatory, ugh!

bullseye2018 · 22/09/2019 13:55

Thanks, @Marzipane and @boujie.

I have to say I was sceptical about simultaneous orgasms, but given what you've said I can see how they could work if the man was able (willing) to hold off. Mine doesn't, or if he does I feel I'm holding him back and the pressure is then on for me to hurry up. Cue fake orgasm.

Not that we've DTD for ages given the sorry state of our marriage. I'm sure these things are all linked. Must be nice to have that mutual goal and know each other so well you can get there together.

boujie · 22/09/2019 14:00

Mine doesn't, or if he does I feel I'm holding him back and the pressure is then on for me to hurry up. Cue fake orgasm.

I'm sorry, that's really shit this is how it was with my ex - he was clearly bored and frustrated by foreplay (and he wouldn't even consider oral or touching a nipple...) and I felt enormous pressure to get on with PIV since that's what he wanted. As a result, I never really got going enough for orgasm to be a possibility.

I think you're totally right that it depends on having the shared goal of equal pleasure / enjoyment, and there has to be genuine willingness on the part of both participants to explore what works and commit to that process.

I hope that whatever happens in your relationship, good things come your way (apologies - terrible pun not intended)

Marzipane · 22/09/2019 14:07

I think I have no inhabitions with DH (he's so supportive and kind), we're extremely close with a great bond, so that must be a part of it. I'm very lucky.

But amazing relationships can have awful sex, and awful relationships can have amazing sex so I don't think sex is necessarily a reflection of your marriage. Though I certainly had awful sex with previous partners!

But dooooon't fake it! You're faking it for whose benefit? That's not fair on you at all.

Croquembou · 22/09/2019 14:36

Jesus, some of the opinions expressed on here by people who apparently orgasm as soon as their partner looks at them are...a lot to deal with.

If you can't fathom the fact that some people find orgasming a bit more difficult than you whilst having a rich and enjoyable sex life, threads about sex maybe aren't for you. Then we could all have a nice conversation and share our experiences and less people would have to say 'I feel so weird because I find it hard to orgasm' because there wouldn't be some knobhead is on here saying 'THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST A FUCKHOLE FOR YOUR HUSBAND AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT PLEASURE IS'.

We get it. You cum easily. Well done.

StockTakeFucks · 22/09/2019 14:47

I can't fake it even if I wanted to because I cry when it happens. Unless I'd try to focus on something really sad and horrible,but what's the fucking point of that.

Good sex gives me wobbly legs, dizziness, spots and stars when I blink.I'm good with that 😬😬

Butterymuffin · 22/09/2019 14:58

If you can't fathom the fact that some people find orgasming a bit more difficult than you whilst having a rich and enjoyable sex life

I don't think that's what's been said. I think what's been pointed out is that quite a few women posting here have been agreeing that not only do they not orgasm during sexual activity (and not just that it doesn't happen during PIV, but not at all) but they are fine with that and prefer it to trying to chase an elusive orgasm and that they dislike the focus being on getting them off. Which, as other posters (including me) have pointed out, is not an attitude you get from men - which doesn't mean men have to come every time, either. But I am really sceptical that a man who never had an orgasm as part of his sex life would take the view that's being shared here. That's not telling women that they're wrong or weird, it's pointing out that there is, still, a fundamental difference between what women and men are conditioned to expect from sex. In short, women's orgasms continue to be an optional extra when the same is not true for men.

Karkasaurus · 22/09/2019 15:12

As I mentioned earlier, I've dated men who weren't fussed if they had an orgasm.

Men are not all one iteration of the same penis.

MonstranceClock · 22/09/2019 15:13

I don't cum easily at all, it's very hard work and difficult. However, I'd not accept sex without an orgasm. What's the point? It's like cooking your favourite meal and then chucking straight in the bin. My husband wasn't even allowed to take his clothes off until I had had at least one.

Croquembou · 22/09/2019 15:25

I don't think that's what's been said.

Someone literally said fuckhole.

I don't always cum during sex, I am fine with it, italicise as much as you like. And I also don't feel particularly inclined to centre my sexual experiences around what a man would or wouldn't do.

boujie · 22/09/2019 15:29

Someone literally said fuckhole.

Yeah, I don't think that was acceptable at all.

Louisaouisa · 22/09/2019 15:36

I'd feel used if DH did and I didn't

Really?

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