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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To enjoy sex without an orgasm?

154 replies

ChangedName4it · 20/09/2019 20:31

Hope the name change works Grin

I don't have a massive sex drive when it comes to orgasms but enjoy the closeness of PIV sex. I don't orgasm from PIV only clitoral stimulation and after decades together dh and I know what works.

But an orgasm to me is so much more than the right touch. I need calm mind, no distraction, no drunkenness Grin. So I don't always orgasm. I don't always even want to try to.

But I love the closeness of PIV. I love the feeling of dh enjoying it too.

Dh is concerned that I don't enjoy sex and that it's "your turn now, I've had more" but that's even more pressure!

So in short, AIBU to just want sex? No orgasm? To enjoy just sex?

OP posts:
SimonJT · 21/09/2019 17:05

@Branleuse Are you actually serious?! Lots of people do enjoy penetrative sex, orgasm or no orgasm.

I have sex with my boyfriend because I love him and we both enjoy it, if you asked him he would say the same. I would still have sex with him if I never orgasmed from penetrative sex. It’s not about having something to cum in/being something to be cummed in.

Fat2fit · 21/09/2019 17:36

Not all men are entirely motivated by their own orgasm. It's a discussion I've been having with my ex (we are in the process of getting back together) and he entirely agrees that it's not always important if he orgasms, so long as we're both having a good time. Sometimes enjoying the journey is more important than reaching the destination.

Hopoindown31 · 21/09/2019 17:47

If you enjoy it OP that is great! It is all about mutually enjoyable stuff in my opinion regardless of what that stuff is.

The difficulty is convincing your DH of that. There is a lot of messaging out there telling men that they must give women orgasms or else it is bad sex, which for most is absolutely right, but it can result in men "chasing" their partner's orgasms to the point that they suck the fun out of sex.

Crystal87 · 21/09/2019 17:55

I need the orgasm to feel satisfied, otherwise I end up frustrated. I'm lucky that my partner can get me off every time, but with my ex I normally needed to finish myself off afterwards otherwise I'm climbing the walls after all that build up with no release.

StockTakeFucks · 21/09/2019 17:56

So I'm a vessel for men because it takes me a really long time to orgasm, and the journey there is not that great and involves things I'm not a big fan of, so I'd rather just have(good,enjoyable throughout )sex instead?

I'm not defective, I'm not abnormal, it doesn't mean I don't know my body or what gets me off or a vessel.

RuffleCrow · 21/09/2019 18:05

I think it's weird that we're so eager to think this way. Imagine a man forgoing his own orgasm during sex! Pretty rare i imagine.

I think the problem for me was that i felt right from the start that sex was 'for men' it was all geared around getting them to come and i was more there in a form of audience participation than as an equal. It's 2019 and i hope that women who are just starting their sex lives now have a more egalitarian view of "who sex is 'for" than i did starting out in the 90s. For the record i've always found orgasms during PIV much more fulfilling than anything i've had on my own. Takes time though. And maybe a lot of us would rather have the time than the orgasm?

malificent7 · 21/09/2019 18:09

Yanbu...i cannot climax easily at all...my sex life is still fab.

StockTakeFucks · 21/09/2019 18:14

It's not about being eager to feel this way. It's that after many years and plenty of sex, I know what I want and how I want it, what's worth it and what isn't and I admit I resent the implications that I'm somehow "less" or deprived than other women. Especially since it took quite a long time to be able to express those wants,be able to say no and refuse having things done to me that I don't enjoy because "women love it".

topageornottopage · 21/09/2019 18:15

I’ve never had an orgasm through PIV - anyone able to offer some advice please on how to do it? I still LOVE PIV though, just DH makes me orgasm beforehand via clitoral stimulation. Would really like an orgasm through PIV though!

Carpetburns · 21/09/2019 18:18

I have the opposite problem, I climax too quickly and then am not interested in sex after that. I try to hold off but sometimes I can't control it.

Nuffaluff · 21/09/2019 18:19

I always have an orgasm through PIV. Me on top. Ahem, grinding. It’s the only position that really gets me there.

Crystal87 · 21/09/2019 19:31

topageornottopage, any position where your legs are raised will offer you deeper penetration and clit stimulation. It just makes everything feel really tight and intense. I always find I orgasm faster if I've already orgasmed just before sex, usually with a vibrator.

Branleuse · 21/09/2019 19:48

I think if a woman never orgasms or gets aroused enough to orgasm, yet keeps having sex, then shes probably doing it for her mans pleasure, not her own. I wonder how long your sex life would last if neither partner ever orgasmed.
Be offended all you like. Im not trying to tell you to not have sex if you're still getting something out of it. I just think its a real shame that so many women arent in touch with their own bodies and pleasure and what it can do

StyleO · 21/09/2019 20:04

Ladies, have you never used a powerful vibrator on your clitorus during PIV? It doesnt need to be one or the other. Apologies if you have tried this and it didn't work, but if you haven't tried it, get yourself a proper vibrator(i find vibrating dildos are RUBBISH, a bullet/egg style is much better) and blow your mind! X

topageornottopage · 21/09/2019 20:05

I don’t enjoy the feeling of clitoral stimulation during PIV. Feels “a bit much” for me.

Karkasaurus · 21/09/2019 20:19

Amazing how many women on the thread don't understand that we're not all the same.

I'm more than happy not to have an orgasm, because I enjoy building up to it over the course of a couple of days. I have a very high sex drive and I know exactly what I like.

And I have known a few men who are not orgasm centric. It's very relaxing, rather than someone who, as PP said, sucks the fun out of sex by making it all about orgasms.

Darbs76 · 21/09/2019 20:23

Anyone who has never had an orgasm have you tried a rampant rabbit? Seriously it’s good. Mines over 15yrs old now. Doesn’t come out of its hut much but it never fails.

lyralalala · 21/09/2019 20:32

I just think its a real shame that so many women arent in touch with their own bodies and pleasure and what it can do

I think it’s a real shame even other women refuse to understand that everyone is different

Some people find orgasm difficult to reach, some find it over sensitive, some find it simply too much and some just like sex and don’t mind either way.

It doesn’t mean they need educating by people who think they know them and their body better than they do

SarahTancredi · 21/09/2019 20:57

Some people find orgasm difficult to reach, some find it over sensitive, some find it simply too much and some just like sex and don’t mind either way

Agreed

The way people are talking about women here is disgusting. That they must think of themselves as nothing more than a fuck hole for men.

I've actually in the past found the obsession with orgasm quite boring. One minute you are enjoying sex with your partner the next they have stopped and are spending time trying to do stuff to you when actually you were happier before.

That is far more frustrating than anything else tbh. If it doesnt happen.it doesn't happen.i can sort myself out if I really want too. Not so much when you are bored and sore while someone goes through the karma sutra trying to get you off.

That always feels far too clinical and it makes you feel really self conscious and under pressure to "perform"

Takes all the fun and the closeness out of it tbh

Cath2907 · 21/09/2019 21:02

I know what gets me off! I have a high sex drive and a pretty kinky streak. My current partner and I have a really good sex life. I don’t get to orgasm easily and sometimes looking for it just spoils the rest of the fun we are having. If I want to my partner will do his best to get me there or stimulate me whilst I get myself there. I don’t always want to though. Sometimes I’d rather do something else fun and kinky that we enjoy.

I don’t feel frustrated or unsatisfied.

topageornottopage · 21/09/2019 21:02

SarahTancredi

Yes!!!

StockTakeFucks · 21/09/2019 21:05

Some people find orgasm difficult to reach, some find it over sensitive, some find it simply too much and some just like sex and don’t mind either way.

This. I know OH can make me orgasm and he has quite a few times. He's more than willing to put all the work and effort in, with no expectation of PIV sex. I can't be arsed with it. It takes a long time(over half an hour at least) I often fell uncomfortable and strangely enough I'm not a big fan of the things that do make me come..all of that for a few seconds. Should I just put up with it every time sex is on the table to satisfy some self righteous MNetter that I'm not just a vessel, or being used or too stupid to know my own body or whatever?

Taggle · 21/09/2019 21:10

Branleuse that's utter nonsense. Comparing the female orgasm to the male orgasm is practically impossible anyway, they're chalk and cheese. What about women who come but who don't "squirt", are they just not doing it right? Which is the correct way, clitoral or PIV? There's no correct answer because female arousal is complex. Sometimes I have a slight itch, and as a pp so succinctly put it, a simple pounding does the job. Other tines I don't require a penis at all, and will have numerous orgasm via other methods. I feel sorry for you if you think sex is like running to catch the commuter train

Rachelover60 · 21/09/2019 21:25

Sex can be very enjoyable indeed without orgasm. I've frequently enjoyed the experience without and not felt frustrated at all.

Ohdeargodwot · 22/09/2019 06:15

I just get the impression here that a lot of women are tolerating sex because its maybe the only time they get true intimacy with their partner, but arent truly sexually aroused. I cant imagine being actually properly aroused and then being happy to just leave it. I wonder if this is why so many women go off sex after a while

No, i enjoy the feeling of a cock in me, not the cuddles. I dont have a partner i need to feel close to, i have a casual bf i met on tinder to fill me with cock. I've had 10 sexual partners.

Tried 'come hither' motion - nice, no cigar

Tried rabbit - nothing

Tried fingers and vibe stimulation during piv - too much, actually feels horrible

Been eaten out for hours - done well, feels nice. Still nothing more than that.

Tried legs up - nowhere near stimulating my clit, sorry

The feelings i feel during piv, anal and touches elsewhere on my body are the equivalent in pleasure or stronger than an orgasm and last longer, so pretty amazing for me, but they just arent the same feelings at all.

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