Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To enjoy sex without an orgasm?

154 replies

ChangedName4it · 20/09/2019 20:31

Hope the name change works Grin

I don't have a massive sex drive when it comes to orgasms but enjoy the closeness of PIV sex. I don't orgasm from PIV only clitoral stimulation and after decades together dh and I know what works.

But an orgasm to me is so much more than the right touch. I need calm mind, no distraction, no drunkenness Grin. So I don't always orgasm. I don't always even want to try to.

But I love the closeness of PIV. I love the feeling of dh enjoying it too.

Dh is concerned that I don't enjoy sex and that it's "your turn now, I've had more" but that's even more pressure!

So in short, AIBU to just want sex? No orgasm? To enjoy just sex?

OP posts:
Underworld345 · 20/09/2019 21:56

I would agree with you up until around 2 years ago. I never had an orgasm until I was around 28. Now I know what it feels like, sex is a bit disappointing if I don’t orgasm.

Hohofortherobbers · 20/09/2019 22:02

I'm not bothering to eat cake unless there's icing on it, stuff that

TheDarkPassenger · 20/09/2019 22:03

Sometimes I orgasm and we carry on having sex after even though I very extremely rarely orgasm twice and I still thoroughly enjoy every moment

AllStar14 · 20/09/2019 22:04

I would be disappointed and frustrated if sex didn't involve an orgasm.

IndianaMoleWoman · 20/09/2019 22:10

But the orgasm IS the cake! Otherwise you’re just pressing your nose up against the bakery window, salivating.

SerenDippitty · 20/09/2019 22:11

YANBU. It’s like sunbathing or a long hot bath. Orgasm not always necessary for it to be enjoyable.

DracarysThis · 20/09/2019 22:14

When you're young, you wish you could eat it. When you get older, you wish you fucking had.

MeadowHay · 20/09/2019 22:19

I agree with you and I say this as someone who rarely has sex nowadays (low sex drive, young DC, busy and tired) and I orgasm probably 80 per cent of the time we have sex, and 80 per cent of those times it's not through PIV. But if I'm having a good time I don't see orgasm as my 'goal' for a sexual encounter and don't feel robbed or miss it on the occasions when I don't have one. DH is always keen to try and keep me happy but if it's not happening and I don't mind and cba anymore or whatever I just tell him and thats that, we either move on or stop, whatever I want to do.

LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses · 20/09/2019 22:23

@18TheSheepofWallSt

DH and I nearly always did until we had DS and I ended up with god only knows how many stitches, they seemed to be everywhere!

Actually though I don't mind if I don't, sex is still pleasurable without an orgasm.

SarahTancredi · 20/09/2019 22:24

It's a very individual thing. If you r happy you are happy. Its certainly not unreasonable.

I think.personally orgasm bring the main reason for it, the sole end goal then that is almost setting yourself up to fail. That you will be so focussed on the destination youndont get to.enjoy the journey.

Sometimes I cant be arsed either. It doesnt mean I dont enjoy it. Sometimes when someone is so determined to get you there that you end up feeling to guilty and too pressured and it doesnt happen anyway.

If there was no interest in my enjoyment then that would be a problem. If it just doesnt happen sometimes then that doesnt bother me. Theres plenty of other stuff to enjoy.

user1472709746 · 20/09/2019 22:25

@TheDarkPassenger I avoid orgasming first at all costs because I completely lose interest afterwards!

user1472709746 · 20/09/2019 22:27

@IndianaMoleWoman Exactly!

DocusDiplo · 20/09/2019 22:27

I can't orgasm with PIV. Feel pressured to by men too!

Cabezona · 20/09/2019 22:33

I really enjoy sex without orgasm. It's a totally different feeling for me but very enjoyable. No frustration from it not happening and no pressure to do so. Sometimes I stop DP and say actually it's a bit like hard work this time and just enjoy a simple pounding 😀

Deadringer · 20/09/2019 22:42

I enjoy sex without orgasm occasionally, but if I never had one I don't think I would bother having sex at all.

boujie · 20/09/2019 22:50

You ALWAYS orgasm simultaneously?

Probably a massive overshare, but my husband and I almost always orgasm simultaneously. We both know exactly what works, so once we've had fun with the different options along the way, we usually finish up with the position that we know will work well for both of us. It's usually the second or third orgasm for me - the others are obviously not simultaneous. (Sorry if that sounds like showing off - we've just had a lot of time to find what really works, and very lucky that the same thing works for both of us).

OP - it's not at all wrong for you to enjoy sex in the way that works for you, whether that always involves orgasms or not. Your husband is probably just being conscientious about making sure you are also enjoying it, so hopefully he can be reassured that even if you don't orgasm you still enjoy the experience.

Branleuse · 20/09/2019 23:02

I am quite happy to have sex sometimes without an orgasm. Sometimes i'll initiate a quickie where I know there wont be a chance for me to get mine, but id want it to be made up for later or id have to do it myself

I think if sex rarely resulted in orgasm, id find it frustrating. Where does the arousal go without climax?

Rachelover60 · 20/09/2019 23:17

I think you sound fine, enjoy all of it, it sounds as though you have endless pleasure.

Longlongsummer · 20/09/2019 23:22

I think sex is way better if it’s less mechanically focused on the orgasm. More sensuous, fun and relaxed.

I sometimes get so bored if someone if my partner is trying to climax - it just becomes the focus.

Having said that, I do like to orgasm most of the time and so does DP of course! It’s just better without the pressure.

BarbaraStrozzi · 20/09/2019 23:39

Whatever works for you! It's not a competitive sport with marks for technical merit and artistic impression.

(I'm sure you realise this, but PIV and clitoral stimulation aren't mutually exclusive: I hardly ever orgasm from PIV alone, but the right external stimulation during PIV pretty much works every time.)

AufderAutobahn · 20/09/2019 23:40

I'm the same as you OP. I enjoy the intimacy of sex, I really don't need to orgasm. My DH can't understand this and it's hard convincing him that he doesn't need to make me come, every time.

Leftielefterson · 20/09/2019 23:41

Wow I’m shocked by how selfless some of you are. I achieve orgasm pretty easily so it’d be weird if I didn’t come during sex. Don’t get me wrong I do love the closeness and connectedness sex gives you but I definitely want us both to orgasm.

Osirus · 21/09/2019 00:02

You ALWAYS orgasm simultaneously?

Bullshit.

Why couldn’t this be true? I’ve been with my DH 13 years and we also climax at the same time, around 99% of the time. It’s easy for us as I’m ready to finish almost as soon as we start (TMI, sorry); it can be an annoying problem! It does however mean that DH only need “hold off” until the appropriate time.

It’s really not that difficult to believe. Some women can orgasm easily, even through PIV, as I usually do.

We’re not all made the same way! Grin

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/09/2019 00:03

I really can't have an orgasm if I'm drunk, but that doesn't mean I don't like giggly drunk sex. It's all fine OP, as long as your rocks are being got off as often as you'd like them to be.

HennyPennyHorror · 21/09/2019 00:08

YANBU. Sometimes, DH and I deliberately don't orgasm for a load of sessions at a time...we'll have sex about 5 times over a week or so and not orgasm...because then when you do it's about twenty times as good.

We still like the sex a lot...