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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To enjoy sex without an orgasm?

154 replies

ChangedName4it · 20/09/2019 20:31

Hope the name change works Grin

I don't have a massive sex drive when it comes to orgasms but enjoy the closeness of PIV sex. I don't orgasm from PIV only clitoral stimulation and after decades together dh and I know what works.

But an orgasm to me is so much more than the right touch. I need calm mind, no distraction, no drunkenness Grin. So I don't always orgasm. I don't always even want to try to.

But I love the closeness of PIV. I love the feeling of dh enjoying it too.

Dh is concerned that I don't enjoy sex and that it's "your turn now, I've had more" but that's even more pressure!

So in short, AIBU to just want sex? No orgasm? To enjoy just sex?

OP posts:
Croquembou · 21/09/2019 00:09

Wow I’m shocked by how selfless some of you are. I achieve orgasm pretty easily so it’d be weird if I didn’t come during sex.

Welllllllll, not everyone does come really easily so, I mean good for you? But lots of us aren't being selfless, we just can't be arsed to fuck about for 45 minutes when, as someone else put it, a simple pounding can be fun for the whole team.

HennyPennyHorror · 21/09/2019 01:52

Wow I’m shocked by how selfless some of you are. I achieve orgasm pretty easily so it’d be weird if I didn’t come during sex.

Confused it's not "selfless" if it's pleasant for you though. I mean..are you saying you don't enjoy any of sex apart from the orgasm?

PrincessPain · 21/09/2019 05:35

I've never managed to orgasm.
Ever.
Not alone, not with a partner.
Not with toys, not with hands.
I still love sex with my DH. I love the closeness and intimacy, and it still feels good, I just don't get the big finish.

RunsForGummyBears · 21/09/2019 05:53

YANBU

Zoflorabore · 21/09/2019 05:57

I’m 41. Have been sexually active since I was 17 and have never been able to just through sex. I was taking to my best friend recently who, like me, has a crap sex life ( both of us only had sex once this year, she is married. I’ve been with dp for 11 years ) and she was shocked that I hadn’t and said she orgasms every time.

I feel like I’m not normal. I can achieve it through oral. touching etc and alone but not during sex. My relationship is a mess anyway and he’s never had a sex drive since the start really. Mine has dwindled due to the situation.

Maybe it’s down to crappy sexual partners? I don’t know. Have been in 2 LTR’s since I was 20.

I feel like I need a good shag and wish I had namechanged Grin

StateOfMind · 21/09/2019 06:03

You are NBU. You’re happy with your sec life, enjoying yourself and that’s great.

Is it what I’d want from sex? No. Because while I enjoy the intimacy, having an orgasm is also very important to me. I don’t think I’ve ever had sex with DP and not had an orgasm.

But everyone and every relationship is different. If you’re happy with your sex life, it’s not for anyone else to say otherwise.

Catkin8 · 21/09/2019 06:14

@Underworld345 Do you mind me asking what changed to enable you to orgasm? I'm almost 26 and have never been able to orgasm. It is something that really bothers me.

Underworld345 · 21/09/2019 06:37

@Catkin8 it really bothered me too. I though what was wrong with me? I can now only orgasm through PIV, I know that’s not the case for many women.

But I don’t really know. I’ve been with my DP 10 years and I think it was just learning exactly what works (a very specific position). I think I’ve just become more relaxed about sex as I’ve gotten older, sometimes a little alcohol helps. So I guess it’s a mixture of feeling relaxed and able to let go and knowing the exact angle 😄

Ohdeargodwot · 21/09/2019 06:48

Yanbu, or, if you are bu, so am i!

It took me a long time to come to terms with not orgasming through sex i think because so many womens magazines sold me the idea that basically i wasnt feminist and my partner was a shit if i didnt.

Thing is, i just really enjoy piv/a/m Grin tbh, i even think an orgasm would ruin it for me as i dont like the feel of post orgasmic penetration! I rarely even get close to orgasm during sex, theyre just two separate things for me.

I do feel like im disappointing my partner, that bit is hard. :(

SimonJT · 21/09/2019 07:17

I don’t think it’s all about the orgasm, if it was we would both just have a wank, much easier and quicker!

Marzipane · 21/09/2019 07:31

Thanks LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses and Osirus for sharing that, I was stupidly upset by the bullshit replies. :(

It's just my experience, I didn't realise it was something to be disbelieved. Every couple is different and has a unique relationship.

I do wish I had much more sex (that's for a different thread...) My drive is much higher but DH only fancies it 2-3 times a month. He says quality over quantity...at least I can't complain at the quality!

Mumtobe241 · 21/09/2019 07:38

I agree, sometimes I just know that an orgasm isn't on the cards for me at that moment (if I'm not feeling completely relaxed and 'in the zone', or after a few drinks) but sex feels good anyway. But I probably do come around 75% of the time...

Apparently the orgasm rate of lesbian couples is much higher, interestingly.

Also I didn't work out how to have an orgasm at all until well into my 20s, despite having had a nice boyfriend before that and trying lots by myself. It's just a case of feeling more comfortable with your body as you get older, knowing how to relax in the right way, and experimenting with different things I guess.

MaxNormal · 21/09/2019 07:53

I don't think I'd bother if there wasn't an orgasm in it for me! I do very quickly though, no 45 minutes required here, sometimes I can get there in a minute or two.

Branleuse · 21/09/2019 08:07

I just get the impression here that a lot of women are tolerating sex because its maybe the only time they get true intimacy with their partner, but arent truly sexually aroused. I cant imagine being actually properly aroused and then being happy to just leave it. I wonder if this is why so many women go off sex after a while

StockTakeFucks · 21/09/2019 08:09

YANBU if you enjoy sex and you're doing it for yourself then it's totally fine.

I rarely orgasm (and it takes fucking ages) and I honestly can't be arsed with it. OH would like me to share in "the joy" but I don't need to or particularly want to.

I do enjoy good sex though and that's what we have most of the times.

Onceuponacheesecake · 21/09/2019 08:12

@TheSheepofWallSt

Me and OH do simultaneously 95% of the time. What's wrong with that? Why is that bullshit?

OP id personally feel unsatisfied if I didn't orgasm but I find it pretty easy to do so PIV which helps I guess. If you're happy you're happy though Wink

MaxNormal · 21/09/2019 08:16

Branleuse I get that impression too.
I'd be ragingly frustrated.

Duchessgummybuns · 21/09/2019 08:23

We don’t even have full sex until I’ve had one orgasm, for me a good old finger bang has never gone out of fashion. Honestly, 2 fingers, come hither motion on the G spot, it’s the easiest thing in the world to give a woman an orgasm and I’m frustrated that some women don’t think they deserve good sex.

StockTakeFucks · 21/09/2019 08:28

s the easiest thing in the world to give a woman an orgasm and I’m frustrated that some women don’t think they deserve good sex.

Bullshit!!
Stop pedalling these shit myths and notions that one size fits all and if it doesn't there's something wrong with us,the men we have sex with or our self esteem.
We don't all like the same things, we don't all come at the drop of a hat or through the same means.

Fucks sake,we're humans with different anatomies,experiences,likes and dislikes. Not blow up dolls,push the button,there she blows!!

I deserve good sex, I've had and still have good sex . I don't need an orgasm to have good sex.

CookPassBabtridge · 21/09/2019 08:32

I've never orgasmed but I love the feeling of sex. DP once got really upset that I wasn't bothered about orgasms or trying to achieve them.. I don't feel I need anything extra than the good feeling of PIV.

AllStarBySmashMouth · 21/09/2019 08:39

Of course YANBU! I'm the same OP. And honestly I'm completely happy with that.

MaxNormal · 21/09/2019 08:40

Isn't the "Good feeling" of PIV arousal though? Or is there a different feeling?
Once I'm aroused I want to come.
Not having a go, I'm genuinely fascinated at how different we all are and a bit baffled.

Duchessgummybuns · 21/09/2019 08:48

Lol oh my I’ve touched a nerve... at least someone has Grin

I used to think I was happy never having an orgasm during sex. Then I changed partners after 10 years with the same man. Game changer. I’d never go back.

You’re right that everyone is different though, if what you’re doing works for you and makes you happy, fill your boots.

KUGA · 21/09/2019 08:59

Don`t really want to suggest this but if it makes dh happy and you at ease FAKE IT.

Crosscrosscrackers · 21/09/2019 09:06

Different things work for different people. I personally always feel very frustrated if I don't orgasm and will usually finish myself off. Very rare I don't orgasm through sex though. Girl on top and rub your clit can be a great way to get there if PIV alone doesn't work for you. I can see why you'd still enjoy the intimacy but personally, I wouldn't feel like that.