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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To enjoy sex without an orgasm?

154 replies

ChangedName4it · 20/09/2019 20:31

Hope the name change works Grin

I don't have a massive sex drive when it comes to orgasms but enjoy the closeness of PIV sex. I don't orgasm from PIV only clitoral stimulation and after decades together dh and I know what works.

But an orgasm to me is so much more than the right touch. I need calm mind, no distraction, no drunkenness Grin. So I don't always orgasm. I don't always even want to try to.

But I love the closeness of PIV. I love the feeling of dh enjoying it too.

Dh is concerned that I don't enjoy sex and that it's "your turn now, I've had more" but that's even more pressure!

So in short, AIBU to just want sex? No orgasm? To enjoy just sex?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 21/09/2019 09:10

Thats gross kuga. Why on earth would anyone fake it. Its not a performance. Youre not an orifice for your mans pleasure.

MaxNormal · 21/09/2019 09:12

cross does your partner not do the finishing off for you?

busybarbara · 21/09/2019 09:15

Count me in to team simultaneous orgasms, though it is usually on my second or third and rarely the first

Crosscrosscrackers · 21/09/2019 09:18

He would do if I wanted but I prefer doing it myself, although he's usually close kissing me, or touching me in some other way. It's not very often I don't finish though!

Original poster
ChangedName4it · 21/09/2019 10:05

Thanks for sharing everyone.

I'd never fake it - I don't like that idea at all. And the arousal and feeling of good sex is enough for me sometimes. If I feel I need more then we do me afterwards but sometimes I don't have that feeling of needing more.

OP posts:
Everythingnotsavedwillbelost · 21/09/2019 10:19

@Zoflorabore I could have written your post Sad I am in a similar situation although I did have a year long relationship where I had the best sex of my life (but still never had orgasm during sex) - I just feel depressed & sexless at the moment

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 21/09/2019 10:35

But the orgasm IS the cake! Otherwise you’re just pressing your nose up against the bakery window, salivating.

This is how I feel too. I spent years before I met DH pressing my nose up against the sodding bakery window..it's amazing how many men simply have no idea what to do with a woman and how many don't actually care as long as they're getting off. When I had sex with DH for the first time (a long time ago now!) it was like 'oh right, so that's what all the fuss is about'. As much as I love the closeness, the intimacy and the fun of sex, I wouldn't want to go back to sex without orgasms. Those saying 'if an orgasm is so important you'd just have a wank', surely it's not the same? I find that the intensity and duration of the orgasm is so much better when DH gives me an orgasm Vs sorting myself out although I appreciate that might not be the case for everyone.

MaxNormal · 21/09/2019 11:04

35MinisterforCheekyFuckery I agree about the intensity thing.

Catkin8 · 21/09/2019 15:11

Thank you @Underworld345. That's how I feel too - that there must be something wrong with me or I'm broken in some way. Hopefully I'll work it out like you have! Smile

boujie · 21/09/2019 15:27

My ex only made me orgasm once in our whole year long relationship and I just thought that orgasms weren't really possible for me and that the sex on its own was fine.

Then we broke up, and the first time I had sex with my (now) husband I came 4 times and realised that it really wasn't me who had the issue.

For those who don't have orgasms at the moment and would like to, I wish a similar fate for you all 👌🏻👈🏻👍🏻

PrincessHoneysuckle · 21/09/2019 15:30

I've never had an orgasm during penetration so I either get oral before of after or just go without

BuildBuildings · 21/09/2019 15:37

I don't find it very difficult to orgasm so for me I'd be disappointed if I didn't. But then I am 100% believer in doing whatever works for you and makes you happy. On the odd occasion I've just given my partner a bj or hand job it doesn't mean I don't enjoy it.

Likethebattle · 21/09/2019 15:42

Men and women are different, the culmination for men is an organs as the end game for them is ejaculation (the primary function of sex is to procreate after all). The female can become pregnant without an orgasm,although research has found the chances are higher if an orgasm is achieved. I think biology fucked up when men came come easily with piv but a lot of women can’t and need clit stimulation.

EC22 · 21/09/2019 15:44

I rarely orgasm, I love sex.

Fat2fit · 21/09/2019 15:53

So long as everyone is happy it doesn't really matter whether both or one or neither reaches orgasm. I've recently and belatedly realised that 'sex' can be many different things. It doesn't always have to be PIV. And depending on mood, time available and other factors it can be gentle and loving, deep and passionate, hard and dirty, fast and frantic, romantic and caring, or a bit of all of them. So long as you both are enjoying it and no one is doing anything out of obligation or whatever then that's all good.

Lex234 · 21/09/2019 15:57

@Catkin8 there is nothing wrong with you, we are all so different it just takes time to fund out what works! I have never had an orgasm with anyone other than DH (other than on my own). But I have always enjoyed sex. I would say about 80% of the time I orgasm, probably similar for DH tbh. Put less pressure on yourself and just do what feels good, one will spring up on you -thats what happened to me, it -excuse the pun- came from nowhere Wink

SleepyHiraeth · 21/09/2019 15:58

I've slept with over 20 men, some multiple times as we were together, and not a single one has ever made me orgasm. I also find it too much pressure when they are "trying" to make you orgasm, and I take ages and feel sorry for them - personally I would hate to be giving a guy oral sex for as long as he'd have to give it to me!

All in all I enjoy it more to finish myself off afterwards.

MyNewBearTotoro · 21/09/2019 16:01

I’ve never had an orgasm. I still enjoy the closeness of sex with my DP though.

purplealiensdontwearhats · 21/09/2019 16:12

The OP could be me! I like the closeness, that's enough for me. DH feels like he's failed me if he doesn't finish me off though.

YouJustDoYou · 21/09/2019 16:13

I don;t and have never had a sex drive, so for me it's always just been a case of doing it for the sake of being close, not because I'm horny and need to cum.

OctoberLovers · 21/09/2019 16:15

Oh i love the orgasm, and without that, i honestly wouldnt feel satisfied, but its different for everyone...

Butterymuffin · 21/09/2019 16:17

Just trying to imagine this discussion with a load of men saying 'no, I really don't care if I never reach orgasm by any means during sex, it's the closeness I like'.

MissLadyM · 21/09/2019 16:19

I'd love to have an orgasm. Everytime I'm nearly there, I stop 😭

Branleuse · 21/09/2019 16:29

yeah cant imagine men being so benevolent as to just allow sex because they enjoyed the cuddle, with never an orgasm.
Women really fuck themselves over with sex. Accept being a vessel for men and dont even know what really gets them off

Catkin8 · 21/09/2019 16:46

@branleuse Do you genuinely believe that those who can't or don't orgasm are simply a vessel for men? Seriously?