Will he ever find himself?

[idonthalfpickum]

My partner of several years has gone on his annual pilgrimage to "find himself". He tells me he needs this few days (see two weeks) to be able to cope with the world. This is usually fine by me. However, this year:

1. It was not discussed with me. The first I heard of it was when he was talking over plans with his friend
2. We have a 6 month old. Its been a struggle as he works away a lot and basically I'm looking after them on my own most of the time.

When confronted with the fact that I'm not happy about this and he has been selfish/thoughtless, he informed me that I'm the one being unreasonable. So AIBU?

@RandomMess I'm far from trapped but I doubt he will realise that. I had an amazing pregnancy. If I was younger, I would do it again. He wasn't that supportive for 9 months so why should he be now DD is here? He was also useless at the birth.

I know you're not trapped (thank goodness) but that is probably his sub conscious thought, that you won't leave now you have a child with him etc. Pregnancy is that classic time for abuse to start even if just low level emotional stuff.

You have to become pretty selfless to be a decent parent. It's then so apparent when others are selfish bastards.

The idea of going on a 2 week holiday away from your young child is alien to most of us.

You are right, he is wrong. Stick to your guns.

He sounds awful, you actually sound amazing, strong and confident. Not sure how he managed to pull the wool over your eyes so long but you sound like you're seeing clearly now. This was clearly meant to happen so you got your amazing dd.

I'm not a person who jumps to LTB quickly but wow. I'm really shocked. He sounds awful. You're practically single anyway, you may as well be.

I suggest writing down in 2 columns:
How your DTwat is a benefit to you vs how he is a drag

• I suspect column 1 would be almost empty, while column 2 would be full !

@Onescaredmuma I wanted a baby. My mum dying really pushed that thought along as I couldn't imagine not being a mum. Unfortunately time wasn't on my side and I hadn't got the luxury of hanging around. I thought he would make a great father. He happily changes nappies and reads to her but now I really can't see how he will be a good role model.

He'll probably be an okay Disney Dad EOW, you are where you are.

@RandomMess He will probably take her to "find herself" somewhere. I'm going to ensure that she has a strong sense of self without the need for a holiday.

Could you say...

Whilst you were away finding yourself, I found myself.

I found myself wondering what life would be like in a healthy relationship with a communicative, respectful partner.

I found myself worrying about the fact that my DD is learning about relationships by watching this shit show.

But most of all I found myself knowing that I deserve better than this.

He will probably take her to find himself

I know the situation isn't a laughing matter but you are clearly going to be fine as you are able to detect and use humour (sarcasm) effectively.

Find herself 🤦‍♀️

I think you’re doing the right thing. He effectively said that your reaction to this was unreasonable and he has no appreciation of leaving you to do all the hard labour in the relationship. Sounds like you’re well set up to manage alone.

I may be being pedantic but this evening in response to me pointing out that in the last 6 months he has napped more than me, he said "I'm sorry you felt you were unsupported". Shouldn't it be "sorry I didn't support you"? It just seems like he deflects things onto me. It is a fact he had more naps than me (I've had very few in the past six months as 1. DD is not a napper and 2. There are always things to do). It isn't something felt. He didn't support me.

@youarenotkiddingme Laugh in the face of adversity and arseholes!

@chickenyhead I've actually said some of your comments to him already. Both I and DD do deserve better. On discussing counselling he seemed to think it was a good idea to take DD with us. Do I need to comment on this?

Ooh he is a heartless wanker who has no respect or regard for you, not to mention love.

I'm sorry you felt you were unsupported"

I swear to god if this was me and he was in front of me it would take all of my strength not to hurt him and I haven't ever hit anyone.

How bloody dare he.

Sorry, calm now

God no, she doesn't need exposure to that. Silly man. He is so arrogant that it is ridiculous.

@chickenyhead I asked him to repeat what he had said and think about it. He saw no problem with his words and then said "am I going to have to watch whatever I say around you from now on?" Again making me out to be the one at fault...or even more than that, mental?

He is at expert level of cock lodger!!!

You will never win with him. He will always want to look good and be able to console himself that at least he tried. He's a selfish prick. This will never change. You sound strong. Don't let him mess with your head.

Totally selfish twunk. That's it. Yadnbu

I admitted to him that I have changed. Births (and deaths) change a person. Priorities shift. In the past two years I've witnessed my mum breathe her last and my DD breathe her first. If you don't change after such life events then there is something inexplicably wrong with you. However, I've not turned into some nasty evil tyrannt. I've turned into someone who has a massive responsiblity, who realises what love actually is, who will not stand for bullshit as life is far too short.

Re changes, physical ones, on one of his returns from work, a month or so after DD's birth, he said he had seen a woman with a baby about the same age as DD and the woman looked amazing. He went on about it. There was me, sleep deprived, probably wearing pjs, not showered, breastfeeding constantly. It was as if he couldn't understand why I didn't look the same as that woman. I will tell you why...that woman had a lot of support from her partner.

Tell him you have realised you are happier when he is away so you are ending the relationship. Don’t bother with counselling. Change the locks, pack up his stuff and move on. You know you won’t regret it.

This. But maybe add that you aren't jealous of your girldfriends' holidays but of their partners who behave like decent adults.

He is never going to say anything you want to hear. It will always be deflection etc. Counselling will just be a waste of time and drive you demented.

I don't know this man (loosely applied to this person) but I detest his sliminess. Nothing sticks to him, it's always someone else at fault.

I don't diagnose a narcissists ever, but this one is textbook.

He would indeed try to make mummy look mad. Ggggrrrrr