Will he ever find himself?

[idonthalfpickum]

My partner of several years has gone on his annual pilgrimage to "find himself". He tells me he needs this few days (see two weeks) to be able to cope with the world. This is usually fine by me. However, this year:

1. It was not discussed with me. The first I heard of it was when he was talking over plans with his friend
2. We have a 6 month old. Its been a struggle as he works away a lot and basically I'm looking after them on my own most of the time.

When confronted with the fact that I'm not happy about this and he has been selfish/thoughtless, he informed me that I'm the one being unreasonable. So AIBU?

I think I'd reply.

"You're right we do need to move on. I have learnt from this experience - I've learnt your a selfish arsehole who i don't want to be with. Therefore I am packing your bags so when you return you can move on and go and spend the rest of your life 'finding yourself'"

And he is missing out on all her important milestones. She just sat up properly for the first time! I had a lovely afternoon in the sunshine with my friend. DD was much cuddled and fussed over plus I received some tlc and a talking to regarding partner. I'm strong as I've been burnt before and vowed never to go there again. His narcissistic tendencies are now very apparent.

@idonthalfpickum, see how he has now put you in the position of defending yourself for "not moving on". You are now the issue by not being prepared to drop it and his selfish behaviour isn't being discussed.

It is so clever when you consider how he has upset you, been completely selfish and he is trying to blame you..next stage is often victimhood - how awful it was for him to have you be so unsupportive whilst he had a few days away. He may also amplify how crazy angry you were, hinting at PND or depression.

The reason he may have ramped up his behaviour is because you are giving him less attention due to the baby. This is another factor why toxic behaviour starts with pregnancy & young children because the men are often no longer centre of attention.

What was his childhood like?

You might ssy otherwise, but his pattern of behaviour, work schedule etc is pretty much 100% that of a man with a primary family and you are his second family.

I'd get snooping to be honest. And I don't say that lightly.

The kind of people who go off to 'fund themselves' are the kind of people who couldn't find their arses with both hands.

He's self centred and very selfish

Why does he keep saying things like you both need to move on etc?
Have you not actually told him it's over?

@Techway He has actually said I'm being unsupportive and that he needed this time away.

@Morgan12 I actually believe in a clean end to things and ensuring that the air had been cleared. It needs to end in the knowledge that I've done as much as I can and that both parties have had their say. If that means counselling then fine. If that doesn't work then it ends.

Fast forward 20 years, think how you would advise your child who was being treated like this? You need to set a standard of what is acceptable behaviour and unacceptable behaviour for yours and your children's sake. It's so much easier said than done, but you have to put yourself and your children first. It seems he can do/say anything he likes and he knows he'll always be able to get away with it without any repercussions. Good luck

Just thinking about @Techway 's comments. He obviously isn't the centre of attention any more. He was once lavished with intimate texts when he was working away but due to his behaviour I really cannot be bothered any more. Why would I reward inappropriate behaviour? It seems neither me nor DD are his centre if attention. Its all very sad...for him.

I’m astonished he thinks he might be worth finding.

Deluded much. 🙄

If he is narcissistic the counselling will be a waste of time even if you just want a clear ending. He will use it to gaslight, blame and rewrite...

Why waste your time and money attending?

It's perfectly clear to just say "this isn't working for me anymore."

Counselling will be a complete waste of time. This is who he is, he's not going to change, and his texts show that he believes you are the one in the wrong, and that he doesn't care about you, so why would he try to change?

The only reason he would go to counselling, is to show you how wrong you are, and that you should start being more supportive of his needs. He's not going to have a sudden epiphany.

You could be spending this time while he's away, to pack all his stuff, so he has no reason to set foot in your house when he gets back.

You say you're strong, and you won't put up with it, yet it appears to me, that you're procrastinating.

Sending you links to houses ??

Would I be right in thinking your house is solely in your name ?

If so he’s trying to latch on, as I’m sure if you bought a house together he would want his name on the mortgage... harder to leave/split up

He’s a selfish self centred pig that has no respect for you op LTB

Now you're supposed to be his fucking ticket agent? Ha ha I think not. I think you're right to be done with men. Every minute he has space in your head is a minute you're not spending on your next fascinating hobby, whether it's making origami turtles, making pots of designer poison, or plotting to take over the universe.

This morning's text: he doesn't understand how his holiday has resulted in me ending the relationship - "it does not compute". He then attempted to, in his words, "sort of apologise" by saying that I should think of somewhere we could go on holiday as a family as "you are jealous of your girlfriends' holidays".

Ha ha ha

He is never going to pull his weight as a partner or parent!

I hope that makes it easier to not waste your time having counselling with him.

Of course he will apologise, he's suddenly seeing his gravy train choo choo off into the distance.

Seriously OP, your first post had me at WTF! But the rest just beggars belief. I won't bore you with my opinion (you've heard enough on here) other than to say you sound like someone with her head screwed on and please get rid of this wank badger.

Glad to hear that you are ending it. He sounds like an utter arse.

Hand her over as soon as he returns and go off yourself for two weeks. I have a friend who did that and though the marriage broke up she said it made him totally bond with his daughter and he stayed a really hands-on dad.

He's a classic cocklodger really isn't he?

Thinks you should worship the ground he walks on because of said cock...

It seems like you’ve been massively understanding of this bullshit ‘finding himself’ malarkey in the past and he obviously thinks having a baby changes nothing, at least for him. He’s showing his true colours by not stepping up as a father. So sorry this is happening but sounds like you really have your head screwed on and you and the little one will do just fine without him.

He actually said "you are jealous of your girlfriends' holidays".?! What a complete cock. Blatantly he doesn't believe that you deserve a holiday, or that a family should want to be together on holiday. This man is clearly not built to be a husband or father, he's a deadweight you need to cast off.

@RandomMess His ego has become very apparent. Thinking about it he loves to be the centre of attention. I've noticed in recent months that in groups of people he tends to talk about himself a lot. He never used to be this way. I on the other hand, take a back seat. Always have. Even more so now as people just want to talk about DD.

I guess this is the real him and his best behaviour to reel you in has slipped. Once you were pregnant he knew you were "trapped, barefoot and pregnant" so why make the effort to be a decent human being anymore