Will he ever find himself?

[idonthalfpickum]

My partner of several years has gone on his annual pilgrimage to "find himself". He tells me he needs this few days (see two weeks) to be able to cope with the world. This is usually fine by me. However, this year:

1. It was not discussed with me. The first I heard of it was when he was talking over plans with his friend
2. We have a 6 month old. Its been a struggle as he works away a lot and basically I'm looking after them on my own most of the time.

When confronted with the fact that I'm not happy about this and he has been selfish/thoughtless, he informed me that I'm the one being unreasonable. So AIBU?

"you need to move on from this and we need to learn from this experience" How patronising and ridiculous of him. Telling you what you need to do! It's more like what he thinks he needs you to do! Just to shut up and let him get in with doing whatever he wants. He doesn't sound like he's doing much learning from this experience. Oh god, he sounds awful and utterly self absorbed and self interested.

He's not exactly cherishing what he has, is he, too busy navel gazing.

Have a lovely time without him!

Ok to have some time to visit family but 2 weeks is a lot unless it's a very long flight. Can you get some time in smaller chunks if you don't think 2 weeks is ok? Insist on family time. Say it's a deal breaker and mean it. Couple counselling is good idea unless you are ready to seperate, but don't go on as you are.

@Italiangreyhound No worries. I could possibly have more but 1. I'm not pushing it. I was lucky to have DD and 2. Definitely not having another child with him.

@FantasticButtocks Great name! I'm emotionally, physically and financially stable and independent and he is abusing that completely. I am not the needy type but feel I might be better off playing it that way with him. Yes, the more I replies I read on here, the more ridiculous he sounds.

@TheSilveryPussycat European country so not far.

@Lockshunkugel I've told him that every day at the moment I wake up with a headache. Not due to DD/sleep deprivation but due to keep thinking what an arsehole he is and how could I get it so wrong.

He's never going to find himself when he's balls deep in an Amsterdam sex worker.

If he's not there and you've seen the booking confirmations and flights, I suppose there is a risk of it as he disappears up his own Arsehole.

I think you should move on from this, too. Move on from this utter cock and have a happier life without him.

OP it is far harder mothering 2 babies, do your self a favour and concentrate on the one you gave birth to.

He is a classic leech, emotional and financial

I hope you are not paying for any of this.

Tell him that his 2 weeks ‘finding himself’ gave you plenty of time to find out just how little of himself he is putting into family life and that actually you and DD are just fine without him.

I’d text him back to tell him he’s probably best booking himself the flight to his Mums straight from his holiday because you won’t be welcoming him back when it’s over.

Those headaches will go as soon as you get rid. Take this opportunity to get his stuff packed and ready for uplift. Change your locks. Message him with a clear declaration that your relationship is over.

Him being out of your head and your space will ( ime) make you feel better almost immediately. You will have less to do, less to worry about and more time for you and DD. Who knows, he might step up and be a decent Dad apart ( unlikely). But the way things are he isn't and your relationship not what you want your DD to perceive as acceptable going forward.

Sending links to houses? Send him some back of 1 bed flats. See if he takes the hint.

I too hope you aren't bankrolling this idiot.

He won't change OP. He still behaves as though he is single and childless. He clearly doesn't give a shiny shit about your feelings or needs.

you need to move on from this and we need to learn from this experience

What he means is shut up and stop giving me grief.

Change the locks and take all his stuff to his family/a friend and text him that you're done.

He really does see himself as Lord & Master over you and ironically YOUR home!

What European country is he in?

Seems to me that finding himself means finding himself somewhere unsavoury and inappropriate. Why don’t you ask him to hold the baby while you go on a probably much more needed break? I hate men.

What you should learn from this is how to call a locksmith and use their services and he should learn that he's a lot worse off without you and your DD. I see no reason for you to stay together and too many reasons to get your life back and rid yourself of both headaches!

No need to call a locksmith, changing locks is generally an easy job, requiring only the use of a screwdriver. New barrels can be bought from the likes of B&Q, for around £10-£20. Much cheaper than a locksmith. There are videos on YouTube with instructions.

What a self obsessed douche bag he is.

Wow! Essentially he's having a 2 week holiday whilst you don't get to go away and still carry on doing everything, I think that's pretty shocking. I'd seriously be questioning what he brings to the relationship and I'd consider making plans and leaving. Sorry OP.

you need to move on from this and we need to learn from this experience

this tells you all you need to know

He thinks he is right, and he thinks you need to stop now.

He wont change, no matter how much counselling, how many long chats, how many times you weep and cry and bang your head against the door. He probably thinks he has you trapped and you wont break up with him, but because he has put so little into the pot, its really easy to do without him.

Id be very tempted to tell him that youve found yourself while he has been away, and youve decided you are much happier as a single mum, so suggest he finds somewhere else to go, and you will forward his stuff.

Sort out the CM payments. Sort out initially very limited (as breastfed) access OUTSIDE your home.

Get a break from the headaches

@idonthalfpickum well that's excellent, that you are emotionally and financially stable! Because then you have totally free choice about what you will and will not put up with!

If you were thinking of living separately... he would have time with dc and you'd get some free time while he did. Just a thought.

I bet he thinks he can cleverly run rings around a counsellor, but he probably can't. But for you I guess you can decide if he's actually worth it. Presumably he has qualities...

Ex was very similar and he also thought he had ASD but subsequently found out he was narcisstic.
If he is similar he is using manipulation tactics to avoid taking accountability. The house links are diversion, assuming you (like a child) will just forget about being upset.
He is being passive aggressive and trying to train you.. if you are annoyed with him he will not contact you as punishment

Love to him means he loves you when you meet his needs, compromise feels as if he has given into you as you are then in control.

It is only when life gets tough such as illness or a new baby that the extent of selfishness becomes apparent. I don't think you can really blame yourself as I doubt he advertised his self centredness.

You are right selfishness has been measured as increasing as society rewards those who have great SM stories, which ate often only created on the back of a unselfish partner.
You sound strong and that is very positive. Thankfully he hasn't been able to wear you down.

@Techway You have it spot on! In his last round of texts he says "we need to move on". How? I'm not one to easily forget. He has revealled his true colours. He expects to move from something which has both angered and upset me, not to mention has a detrimental effect on our DD. I don't want her being brought up with his values or rather lack of them.

He can move right on then can't he? Maybe to one of those houses he sent you. I am away without my kids currently but they are teenagers and it's for a short break with friends, they are happy and fine with DH who also gets weekends away but none of this happened while they were tinies