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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to call SS about my neighbour against their will?

158 replies

SinkGirl · 19/09/2019 13:42

Sorry, I am a bit shaken up right now.

DH and I were just on our way to pick our twins up from nursery and I saw a woman standing on the pavement outside an elderly neighbours house. He’s a sweet guy who always waves and says hello (but I’m so caught up in my own shit that I’ve never properly spoken to him which I now feel awful about).

Next thing I know, I see she’s picking him up off the floor - he had fallen and was hidden behind his car so I didn’t see him. I rushed over and his hands are covered in blood so I dashed home and grabbed a first aid kit while she got him indoors.

His house is in a terrible state. It obviously hasn’t been cleaned for many, many years. It smells strongly of ammonia. And there’s stuff everywhere. The neighbour who helped him said she wanted to call an ambulance but he refused.

He sat down in his armchair and pointed out the photo of his wife and said she died two years ago. Her stuff is still all over the lounge including clothes on an airer. He said he sleeps in the chair so he’s next to her photo and urn. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

He told me he’s 90. I asked if he has anyone who comes in to help him. He said no, “me and the cat like being by ourselves”. He said his daughter comes and stays every Saturday and leaves on Sunday but I don’t believe him. There were Mother’s Day cards on the shelf. If his daughter is visiting every weekend then she’s obviously not even able to clean the house at all - no judgement, I don’t know the situation at all, but it’s really not a suitable environment for anyone, let alone a frail old man.

I cleaned him up and he had a few skinned patches on his hands but nothing serious. He told me nothing else hurt but was very much of the “I don’t want to be a bother” school - although he was very grateful for the help, and very talkative, I heard all about how he was in the army, all about his wife.

The other neighbour was saying I always invite you for coffee but you never come - he said he can’t leave his cat. He does go out though, he even drives.

I can’t in good conscience ignore what I’ve just seen, but he says he doesn’t want any help. But is he just saying that? DH says I should try and contact his daughter rather than rushing in and calling SS as it’s their responsibility but how would I even do that?

His clothes were filthy and now covered in blood. I don’t know what to do.

I wrote down my name, DH’s name, our house number and my mobile number but i very much doubt he will come to us for help. I wrote it on an envelope next to his chair.

If he falls in there and can’t get up nobody would know until his daughter comes (if indeed that’s even true).

AIBU to call SS right now? He would know it’s me I’m sure, but I don’t know if he really doesn’t want help or is just saying that.

OP posts:
Hearthside · 19/10/2019 11:37

SinkGirl you are lovely Flowers i work in care and it would be amazing if everyone had neighbours as lovely as you are Flowers.
Wheat2Harvest really Hmm SinkGirl has done a brilliant thing if she had left him alone what do you think would have eventually happened ? A fall at home lying for hours , a fire he couldn't get out .It does happen believe me when elderly people who are struggling fly under the radar .Just because you wouldn't like it means people should just turn a blind eye in this case it is obvious safe guarding because of all risks Op had mentioned. They won't intrude into his life , he has a capacity so they should work with him to come up with a plan to support him that keeps him safe while honouring how he wishes to live his life .

Imreallytrying · 19/10/2019 11:41

Does he own the house? If it’s HA they would be able to support him.

SinkGirl · 19/10/2019 12:17

Wheat I did what I thought was best, after much lost sleep, worrying and discussion here and with DH.

I contacted the fire service to replace the alarms they installed as they were beeping. They obviously have referred him to SS, as any professional would do when seeing the concerns inside the house - space heaters, a chip pan, smoking indoors, reduced mobility, inability to maintain the house or manage the stairs, clothes not changed for months, rotting cat food covered in flies, etc etc.

I wouldn’t want to be the sort of person who could walk into that situation and walk out having done nothing. If it were my grandparent I’d want someone to do something.

At least the appropriate services now know the situation and it’s for him and them to decide what needs to happen. I could not have lived with myself if I’d done nothing and then something awful happened. Clearly they’re not ripping him out of his home.

OP posts:
Inforthelonghaul · 19/10/2019 12:29

I think your concern is lovely SinkGirl and that you’ve brought him to the attention of the people who can help if he wants them to and that’s more than the majority of people would do these days.

Tumbleweed101 · 19/10/2019 12:39

He’s a vulnerable adult so it won’t hurt to inform adult social services. They may be able to put care in place to help with his house and meals, for example. It’s unlikely they’ll move him if he’s still able to do the basics for himself but maybe he needs some befriending to help him move on from his wife’s death.

It’s a hard one, but it is better someone knows the situation.

SinkGirl · 19/10/2019 12:44

If my twins needs weren’t so high, I would try to help him out more myself but struggling to keep my head above water as it is. I wish there was more I could do for him. I am really hoping they can put something in place - an occasional carer to come and help him wash, change etc, maybe fit a stair lift for him etc. That would be awesome. He’s such a lovely man.

OP posts:
PeppermintPatty10 · 19/10/2019 12:51

OP you’re a lovely person.
I would definitely try and get him some help - the council or Age U.K. might have a cleaning and health service that they can send over. I know for a fact that they have eg people who come to your house and cut your nails.

Magstermay · 19/10/2019 13:14

OP I just wanted to say I voted YABU before I read the final page. I think you’ve done the right thing, my YABU was based on thinking you should find out more about the situation/ contact AgeUK or similar for advice rather than going straight to SS with limited knowledge of the situation.
Well done for caring.

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