Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to call SS about my neighbour against their will?

158 replies

SinkGirl · 19/09/2019 13:42

Sorry, I am a bit shaken up right now.

DH and I were just on our way to pick our twins up from nursery and I saw a woman standing on the pavement outside an elderly neighbours house. He’s a sweet guy who always waves and says hello (but I’m so caught up in my own shit that I’ve never properly spoken to him which I now feel awful about).

Next thing I know, I see she’s picking him up off the floor - he had fallen and was hidden behind his car so I didn’t see him. I rushed over and his hands are covered in blood so I dashed home and grabbed a first aid kit while she got him indoors.

His house is in a terrible state. It obviously hasn’t been cleaned for many, many years. It smells strongly of ammonia. And there’s stuff everywhere. The neighbour who helped him said she wanted to call an ambulance but he refused.

He sat down in his armchair and pointed out the photo of his wife and said she died two years ago. Her stuff is still all over the lounge including clothes on an airer. He said he sleeps in the chair so he’s next to her photo and urn. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

He told me he’s 90. I asked if he has anyone who comes in to help him. He said no, “me and the cat like being by ourselves”. He said his daughter comes and stays every Saturday and leaves on Sunday but I don’t believe him. There were Mother’s Day cards on the shelf. If his daughter is visiting every weekend then she’s obviously not even able to clean the house at all - no judgement, I don’t know the situation at all, but it’s really not a suitable environment for anyone, let alone a frail old man.

I cleaned him up and he had a few skinned patches on his hands but nothing serious. He told me nothing else hurt but was very much of the “I don’t want to be a bother” school - although he was very grateful for the help, and very talkative, I heard all about how he was in the army, all about his wife.

The other neighbour was saying I always invite you for coffee but you never come - he said he can’t leave his cat. He does go out though, he even drives.

I can’t in good conscience ignore what I’ve just seen, but he says he doesn’t want any help. But is he just saying that? DH says I should try and contact his daughter rather than rushing in and calling SS as it’s their responsibility but how would I even do that?

His clothes were filthy and now covered in blood. I don’t know what to do.

I wrote down my name, DH’s name, our house number and my mobile number but i very much doubt he will come to us for help. I wrote it on an envelope next to his chair.

If he falls in there and can’t get up nobody would know until his daughter comes (if indeed that’s even true).

AIBU to call SS right now? He would know it’s me I’m sure, but I don’t know if he really doesn’t want help or is just saying that.

OP posts:
LionKingLover · 19/09/2019 14:28

If somebody has capacity then it is their choice, however he may want some help but he too proud to ask for it x

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/09/2019 14:29

It is a balancing act of getting someone to help him with a bit of cleaning and someone swooping in and deciding he needs to be in a home and his cat goes to be rehomed elsewhere

The latter would probably kill him

SinkGirl · 19/09/2019 14:31

That is definitely my worry - he obviously loves his cat and wants to be where he feels close to his wife and I would feel awful if my actions affected that.

If SS assessed him as being at risk, could they force him into a home?

OP posts:
PuzzledObserver · 19/09/2019 14:35

You sound a really caring and compassionate person, OP, I just want to sound a note of caution about your suggestion of going in and cleaning for him yourself.

It may start small, but it can grow, e.g. you could find yourself going in daily, then several times a day, then doing shopping, running errands, eventually maybe even giving personal care.

A one-off clean of a house in that sort of state would take days. If he’s a hoarder, he won’t let you do it and will resent you for trying. Even if you did it, it won’t be maintained unless there is someone cleaning on a regular basis.

By all means pop round, have a chat etc. And it would be a good idea to establish contact with the daughter if he is willing to give you her details. But don’t expect this to be straightforward to fix. As long as he is judged to have mental capacity, he can live however he likes, even if it’s not in his own best interests.

LIZS · 19/09/2019 14:37

Do age uk or the local church have volunteer visitors? He is probably afraid that any authority figure will interfere and ultimately force him into care.

Dodie66 · 19/09/2019 14:41

I would go round and chat to him but not mention doing cleaning etc yet. Too much for him to think about from somebody he doesn’t know. Get friendly with him first and keep a check on him. He might like somebody popping in just to see if he is ok. Then as you get to know him you could offer to help in a small way to start with. He might not accept help from anybody but it would be good just to check he is ok

SewingWarriorQueen76 · 19/09/2019 14:41

SS are your best bet. If he is OK and of competent mind he can refuse to see or speak to them.
However, please be mindful that they are the professionals and although a good clean might help it might build a dependancy that isn't good for either of you.

They can be really useful in getting the person to at least get some carers.

SinkGirl · 19/09/2019 14:50

He did have carrier bags of food - the neighbour picked them up and all i saw was what was on the top, which was biscuits. I don’t believe he’s doing any cooking, the kitchen surfaces were covered in stuff. It wasn’t quite a hoarders situation, there wasn’t teetering piles, just obviously stuff that’s been put down and left there.

I would like to think SS would treat him with dignity but honestly I have next to no experience of them aside from my mum having to push very hard to get assessments for my Nan. She had my mum in every day though so it was different.

OP posts:
coffeeandaciggie · 19/09/2019 14:52

I would personally go and talk to him again once you have an idea of what help may be available- perhaps from AGE UK as PP have suggested.
I think though that once you have made it clear that there is almost certainly help available then you should leave matters to him unless he asks you to help. He is, after all, an adult with capacity as far as you know. Involving outside agencies may not be what he wants, and may be both difficult and upsetting for him.
I think it is difficult to accept that someone may want to live like this, as it is not what most of us would choose, but I think that the elderly are entitled to autonomy just as the rest of us are.

incognitomum · 19/09/2019 14:54

Ss would treat him with dignity. But you do right to assess the situation a bit more first.

I can't believe his dd would let him live like that? Maybe she isn't really visiting?

It's so frustrating when you see this sort of situation and feel helpless.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/09/2019 14:56

I wonder if there is a cleaning company you could suggest in a way of them stepping in where his wife used to do things. They could come in for an hour each week and clean the bathroom and kitchen and help him declutter or just fold clothes to be put away.

Or just asking if he needs to be can have a service wash at the launderette to wash his clothes and bedding etc.

He sounds like his wife looked after everything and he hasn't a clue.

He might just need someone to point him in the right direction of hiring a cleaner or getting laundry done.

I would be reluctant to call SS as they do have a habit of swooping in and doing more harm than good

PurpleWithRed · 19/09/2019 14:59

He is living pretty well on his own now without carers, nobody is going to force him into care or to have carers in the current financial climate. But it does sound as if he is lonely, and his fall does indicate he might need some help with keeping his home safe for him. Did you get his daughter's number? If so I'd start there and see what she says, if not Id definitely call social services safeguarding and see what they say.

incognitomum · 19/09/2019 15:01

Yes they like people to stay in their own home as long as possible.

IfIKnewThenWhatIKnowNow · 19/09/2019 15:04

@SinkGirl I haven’t read the FT but didn’t want to read your post and run. Just wanted to say how kind you are and you’re neighbours lucky to have you looking out for him.
Call SS and just relay what you’ve said. It can’t hurt and if it gets him help, all the better.

BarbariansMum · 19/09/2019 15:04

YANBU to be concerned and try to help but if he is competent (and boy is the threshold for that low) then he gets to live this way if he chooses, just as you or I would.

It is worth contacting Adult Social Care though, firstly to get him on their radar and secondly because they may be able to coax him into accepting a care package.

Janus · 19/09/2019 15:06

I used to live next door to a wonderful older man, Bernard! He had no one in the world and we met over the garden fence and became friends! I started with simple things like getting heavy shopping, I just took over a bag of heavy potatoes and said I’d saw them while at shopping so thought I’d get him some as they are heavy. It took quite a while but eventually I’d ring him night before I went on a big shop and he did me a list and I’d get his stuff and he’d pay me back. Then I had a cleaner and he agreed for her to do an hour at his after out house, he paid again. I’d just pop in for a cuppa about once a week. We’d talk over the fence most days, he’d see me gardening and come out. He was lovely, it broke both our hearts a little when we moved a fair bit away. But by then he’d got himself quite a few local friends though. I’d just drop by every so often, maybe just with a packet of biscuits or something!

MaudesMum · 19/09/2019 15:06

I would have thought a local branch of Age Concern would be a good starting point - it sounds as if he needs to be looped into local voluntary networks and they'd be a good starting point, who might be able to send round someone to befriend him, or link him up to meals on wheels or similar?

Mrsmadevans · 19/09/2019 15:07

Call them , where's the harm in it ? Well done to you Flowers

TheMustressMhor · 19/09/2019 15:08

They can't and won't force him into a home, OP, so don't worry about that being a possible consequence of your helping him.

Get in touch with your local Age UK and ask for their guidance.

nokidshere · 19/09/2019 15:09

At his age and stage of life Social Services will do an assessment for him to see if there are services they can provide to help him stay safe and healthy at home.

Personally I would give them a call and explain the situation, they are really helpful and will tell you, if anything, what they can do to help.

He might be eligible for attendance allowance or some social care in order to maintain his independence. They can also advise on emergency bracelets etc in case of falls.

When MIL hit her 90's and was adamant (terrified) of not going into care or hospital, it was really about persuading her that accepting help meant she would be able to stay home longer, not the opposite.

jennymanara · 19/09/2019 15:11

You can't actually force someone into a home as long as they are mentally able to make decisions for themselves. And SS want to keep people at home as it is ultimately cheaper.

joblotbubble · 19/09/2019 15:12

I think I'd phone the local dr's to locate his surgery and report your concern.

Random people can't just call surgeries asking who their patients are!

They should be monitoring a man of that age.

Why should the doctors be monitoring a man of his age? What a bizarre thing to say Confused

OP I agree with age UK as a first port of call. Please don't start to do things yourself. It doesn't take long to end up stuck that way.

Cherrysoup · 19/09/2019 15:13

SS won't force him into a home, but a call to give them the heads up about his welfare would be good. If you are able, checking in with a pie or something occasionally would probably make his year. We take stuff round to our neighbour, mostly cos I'm terrified she will fall/have another stroke and be lying incapacitated all night again..

Namechange55 · 19/09/2019 15:19

I would because I’ve known a few elderly people in very similar situations who insisted they didn’t want help but accepted in after seeing professionals and realising they wouldn’t be forced out of their home. One woman in her 90s lived in complete squalor despite having a relative “help”. She went in to hospital after a bad fall and admitted she wanted to move to a care home, relative was fuming because the fees affected his inheritance (the house).

ChocoholicsAsylum · 19/09/2019 15:19

I actually teared up reading your posts about this man. Thankyou to you and your neighbour for helping him. Id talk to the other lady, maybe knock on his door and have a chat, say you know he is old school but say about what happened and he might not be so lucky next time so its good to have people about who care. Id deffo clean his house and keep his wifes things about so he feel secure knowing you wont take over and Id probs cook him little meals, thats what social sevices would do anyway... it also would give you an idea of the situation and if you do need to take it any further xx

Swipe left for the next trending thread