Feeling totally overlooked as mother of the bride

[Lilygreen42]

First time posting here.

After a very stressful year, Mum diagnosed with dementia, splitting from partner, son at university, etc, etc, I finally looked at my daughter's wedding photographs taken by the official photographer properly for the first time - the wedding was last year. Know it sounds mad but I just haven't done this till now. I was very upset to find that there wasn't one single photo of me with my daughter apart from one large group photo with the rest of my family. There were no photos of me with my daughter by ourselves. There aren't any taken by other guests either. Don't know how it happened. I took a few but I think I must have assumed that I didn't need to ask anyone to take some for me because the official photographer would have done so. I don't know. I have emailed the photographer and he said it might have been an oversight on his part! He's offered to do a family photo shoot, but I feel the moment has passed and what's the point? There were hardly any photos of my side of the family at all and absolutely loads of the groom's side - there were loads of the groom's Dad - the groom's Mum sadly passed away about 10 years ago. I also realised that I had no flowers either to match every else, nor did my mother nor the groom's gran. Don't the mother of the bride and the grans usually have a corsage? The men all had buttonholes but I had nothing. Plus, my daughter was supposed to organise a "hen do" for me and my sister and she never did - she went with her friends on her official hen do. The wedding took place in the groom's home town and I now feel that the whole wedding was for him, his family and their friends and that the bride's family were way down on the list of priority. Her brothers were groomsmen and her Dad gave her away and her cousin, my niece was a bridesmaid and obviously there were photos of all of them, but I just feel that her own family didn't figure highly in my daughter's thinking when it came to her wedding. Maybe I'm being unfair and just upset about it all. I helped my daughter with a lot of the preparations beforehand, decorated the church with flowers with my sister, helped prepare the presents for the guests, wrote out all the names for the place settings, took back all the suits to the suit hirer, etc. I feel I was just a dogsbody and that I wasn't treated properly as mother of the bride. It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too, but I was just treated like any other guest. It's taken me this long to work it out. Am I wrong to feel like this?

If you wanted a special "hen do" with your daughter, you should have organized it, not your daughter. If you wanted a special wedding experience, you should have organized it. Just because you have a sad feeling does not mean it is reasonable or that you have to share it. However, if it is something that disturbs you, you can use it to change something in your own life. Perhaps you can use your discomfort to work on a goal of your own, like having your own wedding someday.

I think that is excellent advice from CatteStreet.

If you wanted a photo of just you and your daughter then you should have asked her in advance so she could have told the photographer.

Lilygreen42 don’t let the negative comments put you off as this forum can be an incredibly supportive space too. It’s easy to latch onto negative comments only, when you’re feeling down, but you’ve also received a lot of support and kindness, so try to focus on that.

Also keep in mind for future, that AIBU is like a boxing ring, so you have to learn to duck the punches.

Orangesox - no, not me at all. I wouldn't shout at anyone on my daughter's wedding day! My daughter had her hair and make up done with her bridesmaids in the morning in a cottage she rented and had lots of photos taken, as they do these days!

I've never told my daughter what she should or shouldn't do, regarding her wedding. I just want to draw a line under it all now!

Are you me? I wonder if we had the same wedding photographer! Photos of groom, parents and siblings but none of me with my daughter (the bride) or with her sister who was a bridesmaid. Lots of photos of random guests - sometimes multiple photos of the same person! It didn’t occur to us at the time because everyone was so caught up in photos, talking to guests etc. Very sad about this.

It was her day and probably didn't realise about the lack of photos. I didn't get one of just my mum and I either. Didn't realise until a few months later. I think you should take the photographer up on his offer. Go get a nice outfit, get your hair done and get a photo shoot with your daughter. Why not?

Walkingthedog46 I feel your pain. Sorry to hear that. None of her sister as a bridesmaid either! Did others take photos? Maybe there's one somewhere out there? Think I will ask again too, but I don't think there will be!

Beautiful3 - think we're going to arrange something for a significant birthday of mine! Sorry to hear about your lack of photos too!

Lillygreen42. I even went into the local photographic shop to see if they could ‘cobble’ together a photo using photoshop by taking an image from two different photos and marrying them up (no pun intended!). Unfortunately it wasn’t possible.

I feel sorry for you, you're obviously upset about this and I'm sure it feels as though you weren't really important to the whole day. But actually from what you've written it looks to me like you WERE important - you helped a lot, and I'm sure that's what your daughter will remember. Weddings these days are so complicated, so styled and so involved that they are no longer the small family events they used to be. I'm sure the lack of photos was an oversight because your daughter hasn't arranged a wedding before, equally I think she probably assumed you would ask for flowers if you had wanted them. In short, it sounds like a series of misunderstandings on a day which is complicated and busy. I wouldn't mention it (really it's only going to seen as a criticism of the day by your daughter) and take the photographer up on their kind offer of a photoshoot - then BUY some photos (to say thank you to the photographer), frame them, and congratulate yourself on having survived a potentially tricky family situation.

I looked through my wedding photos and realised there's very few of my side of the family. And none with just my mam. Breaks my heart :(

Yabu sorry. I've only read page 1 of the thread so I may be repeating what others have said. Photos and flowers should have been talked about with the photographer and florist before the wedding. We gave our photographer a list of the photos we wanted and then he told me to cut it by at least half unless we wanted the photos to take 4 hours. I haven't got one of just me and my mum at my wedding although she is in a lot of the photos.

With the hen do it's usual to have the bride and her friends there, not older relatives. My hen night was with my friends and my sisters although dh 's stag was more of a family thing and he invitedmy dad, his dad and his grandad to be part of it.

There must be more to this. I can understand your disappointment at the photos, but your OP suggests a disproportionate response.

You say you are laid back but are you the type of person who appears laid back and tells everyone you are laid back but deep down you are anything but. A close family member of ours is so intent wanting to not impose themselves or their thoughts on anyone that they fail to understand when people can't read their minds in any situation and later on it turns out they were hugely offended by others' thoughtlessness.

Whilst it may come from a good place it's bloody frustrating.

moneysavingmama - sad to hear that. They need to tell photographers that the family photos are important, never mind fancy ones of this and that! Our photographer took 4 photos of her shoes!

Walkingthedog46 - sorry to hear that. Can do so much with photoshop now!xxx

I get it. The corsage marks you as part of the bridal party, I actually had one when my Dh was best man which I thought was quite a lovely thing to do by the groom's family. We matched the groom's buttonholes, this included the groom's sister and her Dh too. The bride's family matched her bouquet colour.

Photographs, there is usually a standard list so B&G, then bride with her parents, groom with his parents etc. We actually had 2 photographers, one for the official line up crap and another taking casual shots which we preferred.

It isn't your responsibility to make sure there is a photo of you and your daughter, it was the photographers. You have had a shit year and this just feels like the icing on the cake. Try to focus on the fact that it was a great day and have some photos taken of you and your daughter now. It doesn't need to be a special occasion, just when you see her.

JetPlanesMeeting - thank you!xxx

The flowers make it easier for the photographer to work out who are the close relatives, etc. But I should have said in advance that I wanted some clearly - shouldn't have just expected it!

If anyone thinks that all this is because I have never got married myself, you're wrong - I have never wanted to! Not sure I ever will now!

I usually do think a lot of people are overly dramatic and precious on here (especially about birthday/valentines/anniversaries etc) but actually I think it's shit the photographer didn't know who all the key people were. There should definitely be photos of the mother and the bride!

OK I think that has wrapped that up nicely

OP there are two topics that will send people into a frenzy on forums

• Weddings
• How you share finances with your partner

Photographs, there is usually a standard list so B&G, then bride with her parents, groom with his parents etc.
There's no standard list.
There's whatever the couple want to be taken.

Some weddings I've been to have done the every version of individual/family/friends photos, others they've done a couple of family group ones and the wedding party bit the rest are casual, others are entirely in photojournalism style.

The problem with people deciding there's a standard is that it gives leaverage for someone to feel hard done to when someone else's day doesn't tick their boxes.

Some posters are absolutely ridiculous and projecting massively.

Blimey, if the mother of the bride is not important in a wedding, who is.
Ask anyone who no longer have their mum when they got married how much they missed them.

It's natural to be disappointed not to have a photo of the 2 of you.

Blimey, if the mother of the bride is not important in a wedding, who is.
They're important, but not important enough to warrant having corsages for them (of the couple are choosing not to do them) and not important enough to be annoyed that the bride didn't throw them a specific special hen do, and not important enough to be contacting the photographer a year later because they are annoyed that they don't have enough photos or photos they want.
Not important enough to justify helping prep a wedding, which most family members do, but decide later that you were a dogsboddy because woe is me has hit when you didn't have enough attention.
Ask anyone who no longer have their mum when they got married how much they missed them.
MN bingo. Don't challenge any unreasonable behaviour from a mum because some people don't have their mums anymore.

I haven't seen a corsage at a wedding for decades .

Surely you / your DD should have just asked for a photo together. And there is nothing stopping you from getting some nice mother/ daughter photos taken professionally now.