Feeling totally overlooked as mother of the bride

[Lilygreen42]

First time posting here.

After a very stressful year, Mum diagnosed with dementia, splitting from partner, son at university, etc, etc, I finally looked at my daughter's wedding photographs taken by the official photographer properly for the first time - the wedding was last year. Know it sounds mad but I just haven't done this till now. I was very upset to find that there wasn't one single photo of me with my daughter apart from one large group photo with the rest of my family. There were no photos of me with my daughter by ourselves. There aren't any taken by other guests either. Don't know how it happened. I took a few but I think I must have assumed that I didn't need to ask anyone to take some for me because the official photographer would have done so. I don't know. I have emailed the photographer and he said it might have been an oversight on his part! He's offered to do a family photo shoot, but I feel the moment has passed and what's the point? There were hardly any photos of my side of the family at all and absolutely loads of the groom's side - there were loads of the groom's Dad - the groom's Mum sadly passed away about 10 years ago. I also realised that I had no flowers either to match every else, nor did my mother nor the groom's gran. Don't the mother of the bride and the grans usually have a corsage? The men all had buttonholes but I had nothing. Plus, my daughter was supposed to organise a "hen do" for me and my sister and she never did - she went with her friends on her official hen do. The wedding took place in the groom's home town and I now feel that the whole wedding was for him, his family and their friends and that the bride's family were way down on the list of priority. Her brothers were groomsmen and her Dad gave her away and her cousin, my niece was a bridesmaid and obviously there were photos of all of them, but I just feel that her own family didn't figure highly in my daughter's thinking when it came to her wedding. Maybe I'm being unfair and just upset about it all. I helped my daughter with a lot of the preparations beforehand, decorated the church with flowers with my sister, helped prepare the presents for the guests, wrote out all the names for the place settings, took back all the suits to the suit hirer, etc. I feel I was just a dogsbody and that I wasn't treated properly as mother of the bride. It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too, but I was just treated like any other guest. It's taken me this long to work it out. Am I wrong to feel like this?

I haven't RTFT but I think this is a generational thing. My DM was crying on my brother's wedding day as she felt her role of MOTG wasn't given its dues I and 30 others had to explain to her that weddings nowadays are much more bride/groom centric and less extended family. The photographer was even saying that lots of couples don't even get family shots, they are all about the B&G.

OP you sound like you have had a really tough year

Why didn't I realise about the photos not being taken? I was taken up with the whole day, going from one thing to the next, it's always rather mad on wedding days, isn't it?

Yes which is why your daughter, the bride, probably forgot to ensure she had a photograph taken with you.

That. My head was a whirl throughout my daughter's recent wedding. I've been looking back at mistakes I might have made. I'm not good at social stuff, so I'm worrying about whether I spoke to various people enough, did I forget to do this/that? For the bride it must be even worse! The odds of her noticing exactly what photos the photographer took are pretty slim.

I know what you mean about not having a role as such though. The MOB sounds like a role, but unlike the Best man, bridesmaids etc you don't actually do anything.

The official photos havent arrived yet. To be honest I have no recollection of my daughter and me having a specifically just us photo. Presumably I'll find out soon.

Oh, and the bride doesn;t organise her own hen do! If you wanted a family one it was down to you and your other daughter!

Perhaps cardamon
I think it's a selfishness thing and a personality thing. Some people like a big fuss and the whole pomp and attention (look at wedding threads on here where families seem to be incapable of understanding that a couple may not want a big ceremonial affair).

One generation isn't enough for a big shift. I can understand grandparents finding cohabitation before marriage a social change, but a parent lamenting they didn't get enough fuss on their child's wedding day is more about them than changing norms.

YANBU, however I find this to be both your fault and your DD's.

I'm getting married next year and in our initial talk with the photographer we discussed the aspect of showing him who the important people are so he'll know exactly.

Also, my main fear is that I won't have enough pics of family so i'll make sure to have a mini photoshoot with them on the day and separately with mom & dad & my grandparents (thankfully I still have two sets o GPS)

Re flowers: we won't do any corsages or anything so I feel you're being a bit unreasonable.

I'd advise you to accept the offer on the family shoot. Obviously not the same thing and not ideal but better than nothing. Please don't ruin your relationship with DD over this.

I didn’t want photos with my mum on my wedding day but my mum asked the photographer so she took them 🙄 you should have asked OP.

Doesn’t sound like you and your daughter are as close as you think.

You sound very much like my own mother. It’s all very me me me.

She didn’t arrange my hen party. She should have but didn’t but still wanted me to arrange shit for her.

Give yourself a shake OP.

I bet my mil is still seething 3 years on that she didn't have a photoshoot with her golden child, she was equally confused as you as to who was actually getting married.

It wasn't your wedding day, as long as your daughter and her husband had a lovely day it really doesn't matter what you think. Let it go.

@Lilygreen42 I think a lot of people have been very, very harsh on you here.

I can totally understand why you're upset about the photos and I can also understand why you didn't notice on the day that there weren't many of you and your daughter. A big wedding is a busy, hectic day with cameras all over the place and lots to do, after all. Something similar happened with my brother's wedding photos - nobody's fault, really, it's just the photographer wasn't on the ball and none us noticed. There were lots of photos he was meant to get, mostly of our side of the family, which he never took, and we only really realised that when we got the pictures - and my mum in particular, who absolutely loves family photos and has loads in frames etc, was upset.

I can also see why you would have liked a corsage but I think a lot of couples just do button-holes for the men these days.

The hen do - well, I can see why someone in the throes of preparing for a wedding might not find time to organise an extra hen night. I expect your daughter just didn't realise how important it was to you - and I'm sure the fact that you've had a bad year all round is influencing the way you feel.

All in all, I don't think you sound self-centred at all, honestly. I do understand why, as mother of the bride, you wouldn't want to feel like every other guest and it's totally OK to feel that way. But I'm sure your daughter absolutely didn't intend it to turn out the way it did.

It's not all about you.

BUT, you say yourself that you've had a really stressful year... Could it be that this fixating on an event that happened a year ago (that I'm guessing you enjoyed in the moment?) be your brain's way of trying to focus on something really quite trivial, in order to "save you" from the stuff that is genuinely causing you stress? ie: your son being away, and your own mum's failing health.

Brain's work in peculiar ways sometimes, and will sometimes fall upon some really odd self-preservation strategies.

Put the photos away for the moment and try and consider some realistic "fixes" for the stuff that is genuinely causing you stress. Your mum's dementia for instance is unavoidable, but what aspect stresses you the most? Losing her? Dealing with the practicalities of her dying? The feelings that she's not the same as she once was? You can't halt her decline, but what CAN you do, practically, that might reduce your anxiety? Can you visit her more/less regularly? Can you check her finances/will is in order? Can you speak to someone in her home about your worries? They can help prepare you for what's ahead.

The same with your son at university? What would make you feel better about that? Speaking to him more? Seeing him more regularly? Things like that need to be openly and explicitly communicated. Use your words to say what you need. People will help you, if you ask.

Ask yourself, honestly and truly, are the wedding photos REALLY HONESTLY TRULY what's getting to you right now? Or were they just the last in a very long series of straws? Sit with the awkward feelings for a bit, acknowledge them, and then start to look for tangible actions to solve them. Best of luck!

Did you pay for the photographer? If not it's not your place to complain to them!

Sorry, haven't RTFT but just wanted to reiterate that it really isn't about you, OP. My husband and I eloped (for various reasons), told no one until my new husband couldn't hold it in any longer and called his mother from our honeymoon. I knew what would happen before it even did as my MIL has form for making everything about her. She threw a tantrum because she felt he should have told her and no one else. No "congratulations", no "wow! how was it"... nothing. Just bitterness that she was as in the dark as the rest of each side of our families. Really put a dampener on things. I'd advise you not to do the same to your daughter.

I'm sorry you've had such a horrid time recently. I can completely understand why you are upset that you don't have some lovely photos of you and your daughter from her wedding day. I don't think it's your fault you didn't mention it to the photographer, I would have thought taking a few shots of mother and bride would have been pretty standard and not need pointing out. I'm glad you are going to get some other photos taken.

Photographs on the day are often pressured and a nightmare. This almost happened on my wedding day as the grooms family are lovely, but louder than mine and kept asking for more and more photos of their side and we were running out of time. I had to tell the photographer to take some of my side, which I am glad about as a family member died soon after.

The hen party I would have organised for my daughter tbh and the flowers could have just been overlooked. For the location of the wedding, do the couple live there, or perhaps it could be more people from that side would have needed to travel, or that they liked the venue.

The thing is, it is possible that your feelings are justified, or maybe that a few little things just got forgotten in the stress of it all. Or it could be that she feels closer to them, as hurtful as that might be

Mother of the Bride is important. Without the mother there would never have been the bride!

I understand OP. It was mean to overlook you.
This generation really are all about themselves..........

I should have added of course it was the Bride's day but don't leave mum out altogether.
She still is relevant.
Can this generation of bride's see themselves taking a backseat when their DD's get married? If they do.

OP, wedding days are a complete blur for most brides.
It is a shame you didn't get the photo you wanted but if you wanted a photo with your dd it would have been sensible for you to make sure it happened.
I don't really understand the complaint about the corsage, I wouldn't have thought that was unusual.
Like other posters I am going to assume that this is actually about other stuff, either your other losses during the year or your fundamental with your dd.
Your reaction to the wedding stuff is out of proportion to what happened and quite focused on yourself. Maybe you need a bit more nurturing in RL.

Mother of the Bride is important. Without the mother there would never have been the bride!
In which case roll out the tiaras and flower crowns, ensure everyone realises the mother of the bride is chief guest if honour. Give her her own hen party thrown by the bride to ensure she feels suitably special and has enough attention.
This generation really are all about themselves..........
Or wedding traditions have changed and the couple were too busy enjoying a day with friends and family to be fretting over who would feel hard done to in the final photo edit.

Remember the OP also didn't mention the photos on the day because they were busy enjoying the day.

@Lilygreen42 I helped my daughter with a lot of the preparations beforehand, decorated the church with flowers with my sister, helped prepare the presents for the guests, wrote out all the names for the place settings.

Lily your dd did allow you to be a big part of the wedding. It is an honour to decorate the church with flowers and for your dd to walk down the isle. Your dd honored you and showed she trusted you to do the important little tasks......how would you have felt if she had allowed her MiL to do those tasks? Then you would have justification for being left out. It is unfortunate about the photo you wanted with your dd but you should have asked before the day. My advice is to go on the family photo shoot and do not mention your upset to your dd or SiL. Do not jeopardise your relationship with your dd and SiL. Due to your SiL's Mum having passed away you will be the only Nanny, look forward to that and making future photos. Memories are in your head anyway.

Thanks everyone - glad to get all your input and words of wisdom.

To those of you who don't want me as your Mum - I already have three children and don't want any more; to those who have put yourself in my position and found something they can understand, thank you; to those who are saying that it's more than just about the photos, you may be right. Mum's happy in herself and Dad is struggling somewhat with her, but they're managing at the moment. I think I have a right to feel upset that there are no photos of me with my daughter, the other things are not so important. I am realising now that weddings are less about the families and more about the couple. Lots to think about, thanks! This is my last post on the subject. Good luck everyone and take care!xxxxx

There are no official pictures of just me and my mum at my wedding, didn't think that was odd! There are a few of me with my mum and dad, and me and my husband with my mum and dad, a few with us and both sets of parents, quite a few of me and my dad because he walked me down the aisle and then others of the whole bridal party or a big group shot. I don't think bride and mother of the bride is usually a thing unless you request it.

Wow some very harsh words, I guess amny of you werent MOB. Times change I know and as the mother of 4 married children I can tell you the dynamics are so different and not always in a good way. First wedding in 1999, traditional family joyous day of celebrating the union. Move on , people live together, marry later and pay for weddings themselves. Of course its all about them. MOB just a guest who may have been allowed to help choose the dress etc. Less and less family (which may be a good thing) but I can tell you at three of those weddings I was guest and knew very few people. The emotions of daughter or son marrying sort of get lots in the formulaic industry it has become. Obscene ammouts of money spent. Many brides have a lovely glory day, but Mums are more and more irrelevant

Some very harsh responses.

4 shots of the wedding shoes but none of the bride with her mother.🙄

Of course that would cause disappointment.

Good idea to give a list to the photographer and not assume they will just know.

Some of these responses are so harsh and I hope that none of you are ever in her shoes because I doubt half of you could cope with all this on your own.
OP, I'm feeling something similar atm and it caused a breakdown to begin with. Sometimes life throws so much for you to cope with reality is skewed.
Please seek some help as I did, you need to start again and that isn't easy.
Good luck to you, I hope you feel better soon.

Billy
It entirely depends what the photographer was told to do

For what it's worth, I don't understand or appreciate photos of tiny details (think shoes, rings, a sign saying welcome to the wedding), but they're a thing and people do them. I hate long waits for obligatory family photos at weddings where everyone hangs around for couple with groom's parents, groom and mum, bride and mum, bride with parents and siblings, couple with bride's parents and siblings, both sets of parents and siblings etc. But people do it and I wouldn't begrudge it.

If the photographer was told to do roaming shots and capture more of the room then that's what they'll have done.

Other than some group family ones, I don't think I have any photos of me or DH "with family" on our wedding. We've got lots of moments captured across the day. It's not a sign of not valuing family. It's a sign that as a couple we really weren't bothered by having some list of forced photos.

If I found out later that my mum had phoned the photographer a year later over it then I'd be quite hurt because the whole point of us choosing that style of photography was because our focus was enjoying the day, not photos.

4 photos of shoes might look great on insta. Even if they are the same as every other bride.

In 30 years time though no bride will give a tiny shit about the photos of her shoes. She might however care deeply about a photo with her mother.

Exactly Lola!
Our wedding photographers style is natural roaming so those awful staged photos won feature in ours unless we specifically ask.

Perhaps the grooms family were more present in the day to ask?

Or maybe OPs DD knew her mum was sour about everything like the location, the lack of flowers for her, none of the family in the wedding ( except the dad and the brothers and the neice so actually a fair bit of family?!) so didn't want to be photos taken with her?

Do you have a good relationship with your DD or are you usually this critical of her adult choices?