Feeling totally overlooked as mother of the bride

[Lilygreen42]

First time posting here.

After a very stressful year, Mum diagnosed with dementia, splitting from partner, son at university, etc, etc, I finally looked at my daughter's wedding photographs taken by the official photographer properly for the first time - the wedding was last year. Know it sounds mad but I just haven't done this till now. I was very upset to find that there wasn't one single photo of me with my daughter apart from one large group photo with the rest of my family. There were no photos of me with my daughter by ourselves. There aren't any taken by other guests either. Don't know how it happened. I took a few but I think I must have assumed that I didn't need to ask anyone to take some for me because the official photographer would have done so. I don't know. I have emailed the photographer and he said it might have been an oversight on his part! He's offered to do a family photo shoot, but I feel the moment has passed and what's the point? There were hardly any photos of my side of the family at all and absolutely loads of the groom's side - there were loads of the groom's Dad - the groom's Mum sadly passed away about 10 years ago. I also realised that I had no flowers either to match every else, nor did my mother nor the groom's gran. Don't the mother of the bride and the grans usually have a corsage? The men all had buttonholes but I had nothing. Plus, my daughter was supposed to organise a "hen do" for me and my sister and she never did - she went with her friends on her official hen do. The wedding took place in the groom's home town and I now feel that the whole wedding was for him, his family and their friends and that the bride's family were way down on the list of priority. Her brothers were groomsmen and her Dad gave her away and her cousin, my niece was a bridesmaid and obviously there were photos of all of them, but I just feel that her own family didn't figure highly in my daughter's thinking when it came to her wedding. Maybe I'm being unfair and just upset about it all. I helped my daughter with a lot of the preparations beforehand, decorated the church with flowers with my sister, helped prepare the presents for the guests, wrote out all the names for the place settings, took back all the suits to the suit hirer, etc. I feel I was just a dogsbody and that I wasn't treated properly as mother of the bride. It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too, but I was just treated like any other guest. It's taken me this long to work it out. Am I wrong to feel like this?

What I do find a bit sad OP, is that your involvement on and leading up to the day sound so right and lovely, for both of you. You weren't trying to take over with decision-making, you were helping. Your dd trusted you to help, probably because you weren't trying to take over. That was a lovely thing you were able to do together.

But now you're looking back and describing yourself as a 'dogsbody', apparently because you've perceive a slight where there was none, just a different style of photography than you might have expected 20 or 30 years ago.

It all very much suggests that the issue is your current state of mind, latching on to something and presenting things back to you back to you in a negative light.

The important thing is your continuing relationship with your dd, surely.

I think traditionally M/FOB was such a thing simply because they had paid for the wedding and were giving her away? I know my DM didn't get that much say in her guest list for example because her parents paid therefore it was ultimately up to them.
For those saying the MOB is important because without her there wouldn't be a bride, the same logic needs to be applied to MOG surely?

Exactly raven
And our parents all helped out towards the day (as did other family members and the wedding party) setting up etc because they were part of a lovely family and friends day, not because they had some special title and got to wear some non existent flowers. We have done the same for them for family birthday parties, christenings (even though DH and I weren't godparents). It's just what friends and family do.

I agree Lottie. There's nothing unusual about the wedding set up. Its just a different approach to a wedding. Finding slights a year later isn't healthy.

@Kitty1184

Glad you're not MY mother.

What a nasty thing to say...

I expect the OP is glad she's not your mother too.

@Lilygreen42

Please don't be put off mumsnet, there are some lovely, helpful, intelligent, kind, knowledgeable, compassionate people on here. I have had some wonderful advice over the years. You do have to have a thick skin though, and wade through the not-so-nice comments.

You can bet they would not say it to your face.

Hope you're feeling a bit better now.

I went to a wedding where MOB walked up the aisle on arm of groomsman, followed by each bridesmaid then bride and her dad. MOG just arrived with everyone else and was already seated. I thought the MOB's arrival was ridiculous, completely OTT. Funniest part was that the groom's parents paid for most of the wedding.

Blimey OP, are you my mother? You sound as entitled and bratty as she often does when she feels hard done to.
I feel I was just a dogsbody and that I wasn't treated properly as mother of the bride. It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too, but I was just treated like any other guest
I can genuinely gear this in my mother's voice me, me, me

Take it from me, get a grip and stop being self absorbed before you push your daughter away. I'm coming up for two years NC with my mother and I cannot express the relief that I feel knowing that I no longer have to pander to this crap.

Weddings can bring up lots of tricky thoughts and emotions! I find it difficult to look at most of our wedding photos.

Suggest setting it all to one side. The wedding is over.

If you don’t have nice photos of you and your DD and family together, in general, you could arrange a get together and take some or attend a shoot.

As an aside also, things get forgotten in the busyness of the day. It wasn't until well after my wedding that I realised that I don't have a single photo of just me and my bridesmaids.
I have me, DH and bridesmaids
DH and bridesmaids
Me and Best Man/Ushers
Just bridesmaids
Not one of just us girls.
Slightly annoying but my fault for not writing a list ahead of time. I can't get worked up about it. I can't change it.

Except for any bridesmaids and ushers, think that in the UK any flowers for buttonholes or corsages are usually organised by the individual guests. This is a thing in one side of my family at family weddings, my DM or one of her sisters would arrange it a day or two before.

Lilygreen42 - Sorry to read about your mum - you've had a pretty rotten year.
Re. wedding photos - please don't stress. This thread made me look out my wedding pics from 48 years ago as well as my daughter's pics from 10 years ago. There isn't a single photo of just the bride and her mother in any of them - not in mine nor in my daughter's pics. Trust me, in a few years time, those pics will be long forgotten and hiding in a shoe box at the top of a wardrobe somewhere.

Sorry to hear about your tough year OP.
I think you're right to have acknowledged that this isn't really only about photographs of you and your dd on her wedding day.
A PP's suggestion of asking your dd and her dh to check if any guests have informal snaps of the two of you is a good idea. As is having a shoot of you both for your birthday.

A wedding is one day. It's about the couple, and if you found the day busy and didn't notice the lack of photos at the time, I'm sure your dd didn't either. She didn't exclude you on purpose, it was a busy whirlwind of a day.

Some of your other comments about lack of your family involvement in the wedding don't seem to stack up - the bridesmaid, groomsmen etc. And hen do's aren't usually organised by the bride. If you and your dsis wanted to hold one for her, it was up to you to organise. In fact you could do something like that for your birthday and combine with the photoshoot?

Don't let this cause an issue in your relationship with your daughter. And take care of yourself.

You've had a difficult year but I think you shouldn't be focusing on the wedding photography in this way. I'm a wedding photographer and the photos with the bride and Mother are usually taken during the getting ready stage, outside the venue etc.Perhaps you weren't there , the photographer has been more than generous so why don't you take them up on the offer of a family photograph.

You have had an awful year.
I think you are feeling a little out of sorts
Dont let it spoil your memories of your daughter's wedding.
No one looks at wedding photos more than once and it doesn't matter at all.
Treat yourself to something nice and put it behind you.

My brother got married nearly two years ago and my mother will still bring up the fact that there was only two photos of her/us in his wedding album. To me, of course, she wouldn't dare say anything to him. There was apparently supposed to be photos taken of people arriving at the venue but that didn't happen. The majority where taken at the bride's family home or of their friends at the reception. I guess wedding photos are less staged these days. I think I preferred it, I hate getting my photo taken.

Myself and my partner just eloped to the US and got married just us two. My mum wasn't exactly thrilled at the idea (and I imagine she'll make comments about my choices for years to come) but it was the best choice for us. And we went out for lunch together and went dress shopping which made her happy.

Perhaps plan a special day together just the two of you?

I’m reading the posts on this and all I can say is that you are all mean and insensitive. She can be upset if she wants to. Those are legit hurts. Good grief. What is wrong with you people?

It sounds like you're just spiralling because of the other things you're dealing with, which is not unreasonable. Is it possible you were excited to help at the time and now you're casting it in a different light because you're feeling down generally?

The specific complaints do sound unreasonable though. I don't recall mothers of the bride having a specific role at any wedding I've been to, beyond sitting near the couple in most cases. It was up to your DD and her partner how they planned their wedding, and if something was important to you the time to tell her was beforehand, she's not a mind-reader and maybe she didn't care about flowers and she and her DH only thought to remind the photographer about the groom's dad because of the context about his mum, it must have been a hard day for him. Usually other people organise the hen for the bride, but it would have been nice for her to take you for dinner or similar as a thanks for the help, did that not happen at all?

It's extremely generous of the photographer to offer an extra shoot! You could do that (although I think you should offer to pay if you can afford it - wedding photographers usually ask for lists of who to take photos of, so unless they ignored this they've done nothing wrong) and then you'll have lovely photos of you and DD.

you know this is 5 years old?

Yes.