Feeling totally overlooked as mother of the bride

[Lilygreen42]

First time posting here.

After a very stressful year, Mum diagnosed with dementia, splitting from partner, son at university, etc, etc, I finally looked at my daughter's wedding photographs taken by the official photographer properly for the first time - the wedding was last year. Know it sounds mad but I just haven't done this till now. I was very upset to find that there wasn't one single photo of me with my daughter apart from one large group photo with the rest of my family. There were no photos of me with my daughter by ourselves. There aren't any taken by other guests either. Don't know how it happened. I took a few but I think I must have assumed that I didn't need to ask anyone to take some for me because the official photographer would have done so. I don't know. I have emailed the photographer and he said it might have been an oversight on his part! He's offered to do a family photo shoot, but I feel the moment has passed and what's the point? There were hardly any photos of my side of the family at all and absolutely loads of the groom's side - there were loads of the groom's Dad - the groom's Mum sadly passed away about 10 years ago. I also realised that I had no flowers either to match every else, nor did my mother nor the groom's gran. Don't the mother of the bride and the grans usually have a corsage? The men all had buttonholes but I had nothing. Plus, my daughter was supposed to organise a "hen do" for me and my sister and she never did - she went with her friends on her official hen do. The wedding took place in the groom's home town and I now feel that the whole wedding was for him, his family and their friends and that the bride's family were way down on the list of priority. Her brothers were groomsmen and her Dad gave her away and her cousin, my niece was a bridesmaid and obviously there were photos of all of them, but I just feel that her own family didn't figure highly in my daughter's thinking when it came to her wedding. Maybe I'm being unfair and just upset about it all. I helped my daughter with a lot of the preparations beforehand, decorated the church with flowers with my sister, helped prepare the presents for the guests, wrote out all the names for the place settings, took back all the suits to the suit hirer, etc. I feel I was just a dogsbody and that I wasn't treated properly as mother of the bride. It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too, but I was just treated like any other guest. It's taken me this long to work it out. Am I wrong to feel like this?

In the nicest possible way, IMHO your expectations seem quite high and I think probably not what most people would expect.

“…It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too”

Surely it was special, your daughter married the man of her choice and looked beautiful, you were there to help and enjoy the day.

I think you sound a little bit depressed and are fixating on this. Maybe because of your mother’s illness or because your own relationship broke down. I was depressed for a couple of years (not clinically depressed just very down) and I never really realised or got help for it.

Haven't read all the replies but actually agree with OP. You may not know whether the photographer was taking photos of you as they are supposed to be inobtrusive. I would be gutted if there were no photos of myself and my daughter on her wedding day. Don't think yabu op.

I've ignored the hurtful messages, because they don't achieve anything.

Ignoring the hurtful messages is fine, but equally you have ignored lots of very practical advice from people who have take the time to reply to you about this issue. That is pretty rude and makes posting the thread pointless as you clearly didn't want advice you just wanted people to agree you were right.

Will organise the photo shoot to coincide with a significant birthday next year - happy now?

Well no because truly I'm not invested in whether or not you have a photo shoot but if it makes you happy then organise it. I would however check with your daughter first as she might be pretty pissed off to find you have been emailing their wedding photographer about the photographs and have guilted the poor bloke into doing another photoshoot for free.

Mothers of the bride (and groom!) can often be overlooked at white weddings especially if they are unmarried. However it really is unacceptable for your DD to have used you and your sister as dogsbodies then not even taken individual photos together. No doubt she’ll do the same thing when she has kids - expect you to do all the grunt work while the groom’s family get the credit. I think you probably need to unpin yourself from her life - make it clear that you deserve respect too. Take the photoshoot but don’t involve your DD - make it all about you. Do your hair / make up and take some nice photos

OP,

I would so go back to your DD with a happy face and voice and ask her would she check with everyone do they have any informal photos of the two of you on the day.

Far nicer than any of my photos on my day, were a dozen shots from the plus one of a friend of mine.

He had a super eye and liked photography.

He showed her them afterwards and she knew immediately that I would love them.

So much nicer than my extremely dull album that cost a bloody fortune.

You never know what people may have.

PS. There is absolutely nothing to be gained by verbalising your disappointment.

It will sour the day for your daughter unnecessarily.
💐

I can't get passed the fact you contacted the photographer tbh

I think it is good you contacted the photograpther, good on you.

I don’t know that corsages etc for female relatives are really a thing where I am (England) more an American thing.

Re, “..my daughter was supposed to organise a "hen do" for me and my sister and she never did - she went with her friends on her official hen do.” I’ve never heard of this either separate hen dos.

Maybe you can get more involved when she marries for the second time! I think my MIL was hoping for this but DH and I eloped as we’d both hated the big circus the first time around... as others have said, it was her day, move on.

I'd be very angry at my mother bypassing me and speaking to the photographer, especially if I'd been happy with the service.

The photographer doesn't necessarily choose the formal or group shots, a list is normally sent ahead of time by the bride and groom, I think.

@athenagoddessofwar - so you would be happy with a photographer that took more photos of your DP’s family than yours and ignored your mum altogether?

I should have asked for flowers - only now I'm thinking about these things. Not a big deal, I know.

And your DD probably didn't think either, being the bride and trying to organise a wedding. Something will always fail.
Give her a break.

I wouldn't have contacted the photographer, tbh. For me it would have been water under the bridge.
In a way, you are just as much at fault as your DD and the photographer if there aren't photos of the two together. It's just one of these things.

Glad you're not my mother.

YABU

Corsages - no, it's not usual for the mother of the bride or any other women to receive these. Buttonholes are just for the groom, ushers and other key men, eg father of bride/father of groom. You were not hard done by or left out, it's just what is usually done. If you wanted flowers on your dress (but who does this?) you should have arranged it yourself.

Hen party - not usual for the mother of the bride to attend - or to want to attend actually. It's normally just the bride, bridesmaids, sisters and close friends. Someone from the older generation might cramp their style!

Photo - here I can see why you are upset, but why didn't you say something on the day? There is no point focusing on it now. Also, can it really be that important if on the day you didn't give it a thought?

You should feel good about the help you gave your dd in the wedding preparations. That's what really counts.

I can sympathise as mother of the groom.
Although, I have attended the Hen party which was brilliant.
The Brides family are having hair and make up on the day at the venue. We have to travel miles and won't have time to visit/ someone come to the house, so I'm on my own with that.
The men are all hiring suits to match and as the father of the groom dh hasn't been asked to join them, he just has to buy a suit and hope it's a good match.
You just have to remember it's their day and it's only one day.

Are you in fact my mother?

This is the same discussion I had with my mother at least a year after my wedding; the same mother who shouted at our photographer (DH’s best friend), and said she didn’t want any photographs taking unless they were in large group shots, and then has wheeled this out as a stick to beat me with ever since. Even down to the “dogsbody” comments in-laws offered to help, bridesmaids did help! But no, apparently, what should’ve happened, is I should’ve been outside in the marquee, red faced and sweating on my wedding day laying tables and setting out buffet cards. I was “selfish” for getting my hair and make up done before her on my own wedding day! It’s now a big “thing” and she’s continued to create such an atmosphere about it that I could throttle her!

You’re entitled to feel hurt, because it’s your perception that you weren’t “made to feel special enough”. You’ve clearly had a very hard time of it lately, and you’re maybe mulling things over in an unhealthy fashion. You need to make your peace with it, and let it go.

What you aren’t entitled to do, is ruin your daughters happy memories; she will never forgive you for that.

Op. Your post isn't very nice though. Helping your daughter on her wedding day is something most mother's wish to do. To then, using your own words, say you feel like you were a dogsbody and not made to feel special because it was your day too is really not very nice.

I think we are all hoping whatever has caused you issues over the last year is causing you to focus on the wrong thing, because other than a photo on the day, there is nothing for you to complain about here. And even the photos, you could have said.

I think you’re feeling a bit lost because of all the other things that have went on in your life, recently and have went down the route of negative thinking. I’m sure you know that in your heart and are aware that you’re being a bit unreasonable. Please don’t let this spoil the memories of what should have been a lovely day.

Shinyletsbebadguys, please don’t use the anti Irish term ‘throwing a Paddy’. I’m sure you haven’t intended insulting anyone, but that is an offensive term.

Apologies Teddybear but I can't see how to reply directly on this new phone. I wouldn't be happy, but a lot of photographers get you to choose which snaps you want. Maybe the bride selected these ones. What is be annoyed about was being bypassed. Presumably , as motb hasn't heard otherwise, bride was happy with photographer. Now for another person to turn round a year later and complain would make me feel embarrassed. I can't believe she didn't discuss it with her daughter first.

OP, you're getting a hard time on here and I feel for you.
It sounds like this had been yet another sad thing for you on top of your already shitty year so it's all piled up and it's hard to get past it.
I don't think you're being especially unreasonable, the MOB is an important person on her daughter's wedding day and it does seem as if you were overlooked to some extent but as others have said wedding days can fly past in a mad whirl and I can see why you didn't notice how the photos were being taken, or not, and that there weren't many of you with your DD.

I do think the photographer is partly to blame, he should have taken some when you were all getting ready or at the start of the day's festivities at least. That's fairly standard unless the bride doesn't want it.

And corsages for MOBs and GMOBS are not that unusual, although not everyone has them. But I can see why you're sad, they are like a mark of respect, identifying the bride's close female family as important.

It's very unfortunate but sadly I think you have to try to move on, for your own emotional health.
for you now.

OP, I was a wedding planner and manager for several years and have dealt with lots of clients in a similar position to you now. They get in touch after the wedding (sometimes over a year after the wedding) because they've just realised something. Either they never collected their cake or one of the centrepieces never came home, occasionally angry that a certain song wasn't played during the breakfast or, like you, complaining that the photographer missed someone out.

There is nothing that can be done retrospectively. You can't re-have the day. You need to accept that it's been and gone and that's that. The best you can do is put it behind you.

I was really sad when I realised that no one took any photos during my sons christening. It was a big deal to us but we have no 'proof' it happened. Alas, nothing we can do now!

SmileCheese How do you know I've ignored people's advice? Just because I don't reply to people, doesn't mean I haven't taken on board their advice. I didn't want people to agree I was right - just wanted some different views on it all. I have already said I've taken on board people's comments. Only posted it today!

I just wanted to get someone else's view on the whole thing and then make up my mind. It takes me a while to process everything! It would take forever to reply to everyone, anyway. I replied to those who understood where I was coming from as I was getting so much criticism.

Won't be doing this again. I thought Twitter was bad enough!

OP, you didn't get the photos you would have liked. That's a shame. But move on, because you've been offered a special shoot for just the two of you! Make a day of it, have a ball!

Let the corsage bit go. Some people choose to have them some don't. I didn't bother, doesn't mean that I don't love my Mum to bits though.

I'm going to assume (mainly because of the belatedness) that this isn't one of those instances of maternal entitlement to be danced around by adult daughters.

OP, it seems to me as if you have been through a year where your life and your role in it has fundamentally changed. You have split up with your partner (who I am presuming was long-term), your mother has dementia and so you find yourself in the 'mother' role to her, and your (presumably last) child has left home. Your former certainties have shifted and this seems to have left you questioning how important you are to anyone any more, particularly your daughter. And I think you are reading the loss of that certainty too (of importance to her) into the photos.

I would, with others, urge you not to take this to her - it would be unfair to her, and it isn't about her. This is about your adjustment to the changes in your life and how they have affected your sense of identity. I think it would be worth talking all this through with a counsellor.