Feeling totally overlooked as mother of the bride

[Lilygreen42]

First time posting here.

After a very stressful year, Mum diagnosed with dementia, splitting from partner, son at university, etc, etc, I finally looked at my daughter's wedding photographs taken by the official photographer properly for the first time - the wedding was last year. Know it sounds mad but I just haven't done this till now. I was very upset to find that there wasn't one single photo of me with my daughter apart from one large group photo with the rest of my family. There were no photos of me with my daughter by ourselves. There aren't any taken by other guests either. Don't know how it happened. I took a few but I think I must have assumed that I didn't need to ask anyone to take some for me because the official photographer would have done so. I don't know. I have emailed the photographer and he said it might have been an oversight on his part! He's offered to do a family photo shoot, but I feel the moment has passed and what's the point? There were hardly any photos of my side of the family at all and absolutely loads of the groom's side - there were loads of the groom's Dad - the groom's Mum sadly passed away about 10 years ago. I also realised that I had no flowers either to match every else, nor did my mother nor the groom's gran. Don't the mother of the bride and the grans usually have a corsage? The men all had buttonholes but I had nothing. Plus, my daughter was supposed to organise a "hen do" for me and my sister and she never did - she went with her friends on her official hen do. The wedding took place in the groom's home town and I now feel that the whole wedding was for him, his family and their friends and that the bride's family were way down on the list of priority. Her brothers were groomsmen and her Dad gave her away and her cousin, my niece was a bridesmaid and obviously there were photos of all of them, but I just feel that her own family didn't figure highly in my daughter's thinking when it came to her wedding. Maybe I'm being unfair and just upset about it all. I helped my daughter with a lot of the preparations beforehand, decorated the church with flowers with my sister, helped prepare the presents for the guests, wrote out all the names for the place settings, took back all the suits to the suit hirer, etc. I feel I was just a dogsbody and that I wasn't treated properly as mother of the bride. It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too, but I was just treated like any other guest. It's taken me this long to work it out. Am I wrong to feel like this?

I do understand about the lack of photos - more because, with a professional photographer there and everyone dressed up, it's such a great opportunity to get some good ones.

Twice I've been at weddings of people very close to me (was bridesmaid for one) and not ended up with a photo of me with the bride, or B&G, except in big groups, because they took an informal approach with photography, or only prioritised a few images. It was disappointing, not because I imagined the day was 'about me' but because it would have been nice to have the close-up personal image as a memento and, if your sister / daughter / best friend is hiring a professional photographer for a day and you're all there looking your best, it's just a great opportunity to gain a really nice picture, that you might want to frame.

I think you can rescue this, for yourself, with an anniversary, or birthday, or just because, day out or afternoon tea with your dd and sister, plus some nice photos together. More of a 'now the whirlwind of the wedding is behind us, plus all your difficult stuff, wouldn't it be lovely to treat ourselves to a relaxed day out?'

right I only read to the end of page 1 where OP states she has never been married.

So is this a case of OP wanting to foist HER idea of HER OWN wedding?

Im sorry OP but it wasnt your wedding, not your day. And it is just a day.

I can't help thinking about a Mumsnetter who used to talk about the funeral of her teenage daughter who died of cancer.
Some people made snide remarks to her because she had done her hair and dressed up nicely.
But as she said, she was never going to be Mother of the Bride now, so this was her only chance to do her DD proud.
Maybe something to think about

@Lilygreen44 - were you sitting with your DD during the meal? Are there any group photos where you are standing or sitting next to her?

I was in a similar situation of having no wedding photo with my DD a few years ago. I cropped then enlarged a nice group photo taken during the meal to include DD and me. I was also very glad I’d taken a few selfies on my phone (despite DD and SIL asking me not to!). My SIL also had no individual photos with his parents or grandmother from the wedding so I cropped and enlarged a picture for them as a Christmas present. At least both our families were treated equally badly by that wedding photographer!

YANBU for feeling this way, but there's really no point in dwelling over what could have been on that day.

Did you feel happy that day?
Did your DD feel happy?
Did it go well overall?
Is she happy in her marriage?
Those are more important than whether you have a photo with her or not.

Think about the future. Make sure you get those special moments with her, take as many photos together as you feel like.

What you're doing now is a recipe for unhappiness.

Millie2016 and mcmooberry - thanks!xxx

OP, have net read through ,only the first page so far but I think you are getting a hard time. I think you were a bit sidelined from the day, I certainly would have expected a corsage as part of the wedding party, and I can understand you being upset about the photos, clearly your daughter was a bit remiss about not making sure there was a lovely picture of the two of you.

Unfortunately it was a year ago and not much to be done about it now. I would take the photographer up on the offer of a family picture, is your mother well enough to be included as well?

As some have said, it was her day, and she looked beautiful and had a good time (as I think you did until you realised the missing bits) but perhaps she could have been more thoughtful about you, try not to make it something that spoils your memories. Maybe you looked at the photos when you were feeling a bit down and that has influenced how you feel.

I don't understand why you expected a photo of just you and your daughter but that's me and photos, I wanted to go and hide but got bullied into being in photos at our daughter's wedding, I still get the cold sweats even thinking about it. As others have said maybe you should have spoken up at the time.

@Lilygreen42

Thank you! xxxxx

That's OK! 😘😘🥰

@lilygreen42

Might do just that - take a few photos in our outfits!

Your "natural" christening photos sound great! xxxxx

They are!

Pay no mind to the harsh comments. No-one has any right to tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. As a few posters have said, probably best to post this kind of thing in 'chat' or 'relationships.' AIBU is full of vipers.

Good luck, and all the best to you. Hope you feel OK soon!

@Lilygreen42 I forgot to say YANBU about feeling upset about the photos.

The flowers and hen do doesn’t really matter, does it?

Lockshunkugel - good idea! Thanks!xxx

This is rapidly turning into one of those threads where the Op ignores lots of sensible suggestions and comments and just responds to those who agree she's not being unreasonable.

Genuine question if you think you are right and you don't actually want to discuss ways of moving forward and dealing with how you feel why bother starting the thread?

"Her brothers were groomsmen and her Dad gave her away and her cousin, my niece was a bridesmaid and obviously there were photos of all of them, but I just feel that her own family didn't figure highly in my daughter's thinking when it came to her wedding."

I think this is a bit self-contradictory? no?

When I read your OP I hear someone who is worn out. Your mum, big wedding you've helped to make a success, relationship breakdown, empty nest....so I think sometimes when you are knackered it's easy to feel more wounded by something that wasn't intended that way at all - a photographer's oversight.

Don't voice any of this to your daughter, please. Don't take the shine off her day. Weddings are stressful enough. I imagine she's had a higher maintenance set of inlaws to please and if you and her dad are separated there's all sorts of family politics there no doubt.

Move on. And prioritise yourself a bit.

Your daughter's wedding was last year, you haven't even looked at the photos yet, and you think it's everyone else that doesn't care? Really? You could have asked for photos on the day. If it didn't cross your mind, why would it cross anyone else's?

petbear

Thanks - have never posted before. It is a jungle, isn't it? Never been told before that the world doesn't revolve around me!

YABU

Maybe you should have made more effort planning/before the wedding?

Honestly I can't imagine my mother being anything like you over not being in enough photos etc....it sounds so petty....the only thing my mother would want more than anything else is for me to have a happy marriage.

Wedding days for the couple are over in a FLASH. There is so much going on, you don't even notice the photos being taken. If it really meant that much to you, you would have contacted the photographer in advance. Hardly fair to blame your daughter when you had the means to make sure you had some nice memories.

This is rapidly turning into one of those threads where the Op ignores lots of sensible suggestions and comments and just responds to those who agree she's not being unreasonable
Quite.

Case in point below
It is a jungle, isn't it? Never been told before that the world doesn't revolve around me!

Yes, MN is a jungle for pointing out that the mother of the bride shouldn't be stewing over not being given enough attention on her daughter's wedding and not having a separate hen party for her daughter's wedding.

You've had a really stressful year and you are fixating on something that can't be changed. You have absolutely nothing to gain from this. The wedding is over. They are chaotic events which never go according to plan. The main thing is that it went smoothly. If the worst you can say of it is that you had no matching corsage and no photos of you and your daughter together then it went smoothly and you can be glad of that. (tbh I've never seen MOTB and bride together in official photos. It should be a thing but it isn't.)

Your life has really turned uspside down and people you were close to have moved on - daughter married, son at uni, partner gone. Spend some self indulgent time doing stuff that makes you feel good not bad.

SmileCheese - I just wanted to get other people's perspective on this. I agree I should have said more on the day, but being mob I had to talk to people and greet them, etc.

I should have asked for flowers - only now I'm thinking about these things. Not a big deal, I know.

I've ignored the hurtful messages, because they don't achieve anything.

Will organise the photo shoot to coincide with a significant birthday next year - happy now?

Plus, I've never posted before - I'm new to all of this and I'm a bit of a sensitive flower underneath it all!

I can understand your upset about the photos. When I got married a few years ago my photographer was not very proactive even though we'd discussed what we wanted beforehand. We didn't have any guest just our children but I still had to actively ask the photographer to take photos of me and my children when I realised she wasnt'! How does your daughter feel about not having photos with you? Perhaps she feels the same.

Shame about the photos, in an ideal world your DD would have instructed the photographer on who she wanted photos with, but weddings take a lot of work and it’s easy to overlook things. Do the family photo shoot, that sounds like a lovely thing to do and nice way to spend time with your DD.
It sounds like you have had a very stressful year and wouldn’t blame you for feeling sad or angry at this time, but don’t direct your anger towards your daughter. It won’t make you feel any better. Move past it, I’m sure your daughter did her best.

"I have emailed the photographer and he said it might have been an oversight on his part! He's offered to do a family photo shoot, but I feel the moment has passed and what's the point?"

Take the photoshoot. he's offered something that can be a real nice thing rather than being frustrated over what happened in the past. Focus on the future. I married almost 2 decades ago and since then both my parents have died. i very very rarely look at the photos of my wedding. They just are not a significant part of my life in any way.

But i do understand that they may feel very important for you.

Completely understand re the photos - my wedding photographer was crap on this and I ended up with lots of images with us and dp’s family and not so many with mine.

But if you enjoyed the day and felt involved at the time, that’s what is important.

I'm sorry this has upset you and I guess that it shows that even at a happy event like a wedding if things are important to you then you need to make sure they happen (I have no photo of me and my mum, as far as i am aware, and I don't think it mattered to either of us much). In many ways it is lovely that you do care and did want that photo.

So make the most now of the chance to get a lovely photo with your lovely daughter.