Feeling totally overlooked as mother of the bride

[Lilygreen42]

First time posting here.

After a very stressful year, Mum diagnosed with dementia, splitting from partner, son at university, etc, etc, I finally looked at my daughter's wedding photographs taken by the official photographer properly for the first time - the wedding was last year. Know it sounds mad but I just haven't done this till now. I was very upset to find that there wasn't one single photo of me with my daughter apart from one large group photo with the rest of my family. There were no photos of me with my daughter by ourselves. There aren't any taken by other guests either. Don't know how it happened. I took a few but I think I must have assumed that I didn't need to ask anyone to take some for me because the official photographer would have done so. I don't know. I have emailed the photographer and he said it might have been an oversight on his part! He's offered to do a family photo shoot, but I feel the moment has passed and what's the point? There were hardly any photos of my side of the family at all and absolutely loads of the groom's side - there were loads of the groom's Dad - the groom's Mum sadly passed away about 10 years ago. I also realised that I had no flowers either to match every else, nor did my mother nor the groom's gran. Don't the mother of the bride and the grans usually have a corsage? The men all had buttonholes but I had nothing. Plus, my daughter was supposed to organise a "hen do" for me and my sister and she never did - she went with her friends on her official hen do. The wedding took place in the groom's home town and I now feel that the whole wedding was for him, his family and their friends and that the bride's family were way down on the list of priority. Her brothers were groomsmen and her Dad gave her away and her cousin, my niece was a bridesmaid and obviously there were photos of all of them, but I just feel that her own family didn't figure highly in my daughter's thinking when it came to her wedding. Maybe I'm being unfair and just upset about it all. I helped my daughter with a lot of the preparations beforehand, decorated the church with flowers with my sister, helped prepare the presents for the guests, wrote out all the names for the place settings, took back all the suits to the suit hirer, etc. I feel I was just a dogsbody and that I wasn't treated properly as mother of the bride. It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too, but I was just treated like any other guest. It's taken me this long to work it out. Am I wrong to feel like this?

YABU.

You were there, you saw your daughter get married - my DM died 3 months before my wedding!

If you wanted specific photos on the day, you should have ensured they were taken (by the photographer or friend or family)

If you wanted a corsage to tie in with the bouquet and buttonholes - why didn't you mention it to your daughter prior to the day?

Your daughter was busy planning her wedding and obviously didn't have time to organise a separate hen do to involve you - why didn't you organise it as a treat for her? My cousin did this for me, her and my auntie as my auntie is deaf and struggles to be involved in large groups. It was a lovely break from wedding planning, and if it had been left to me, probably wouldn't have happened!

It was your daughter's wedding day, about her and her husband. Were you interested in the planning, did you offer to help her at any time? Maybe her in laws did and that's why you feel so left out

It sounds like at the time you had a very stressful year and were perhaps in a bit of a "bubble" at your daughters wedding with your mind on lots of other stressful things.

Now, you are looking back and thinking why didn't I notice this or suggest this and as mother of the bride why was I excluded from that? Weddings can be extremely stressful and I remember not enjoying my huge and expensive wedding one bit because I was more worried about other people. Your daughter probably would have had so much on her mind she wouldn't have noticed the photographer leaving you out. It doesn't sound like it was done deliberately.

I would draw a line under it and put it out of your head. Don't jeapordise your relationship with your daughter by voicing your feelings. It won't do any good and life is too short to dwell.

I agree with this. I also think when you’ve had a tough year, as many of us have experienced, your perspective does go off a bit. You haven’t the energy to focus on what is usually important to you so you drop it, but then miss out because what matters to you, doesn’t matter to other people.

Is there anyone independent you can talk to about this - perhaps a professional- to work through how you are feeling, and where those feelings truly come from? Do you have any regrets maybe about not marrying yourself??

I’m also a bit twitchy about the photographer up thread who suggested they only take random, candid shots and groups they are asked to. My own wedding day was such a blur, I could quite easily have forgotten who We had had photos with and not. I’m now extremely grateful our photographer had the sense to prompt us.

Sadly some of our guests have since died and those photos are important memories for us.

Your daughters wedding day is about her and her husband, nobody else.
Unfortunately.

I can understand why you’re hurt but of course it’s unreasonable.

Going against the grain here. And I don't know why people are being so harsh. You're the bride's mother FGS, not some irrelevant nobody just going to a wedding of a work colleague

@Lilygreen42 YANBU, and I think you have every right to feel upset and low about it. And I am sorry you've had a shit year.

However, there is nothing you can do about it now.

Can you and your DD get your wedding attire back out, and both put it on, and get take a few pics with the camera on the self timer, with a nice backdrop like the dining room/living room curtain?

We did something similar. When our DC were Christened in the 1990s, they scowled all the way through their Christenings - (did the 2 together as close in age,) and they cried too, so the pics taken at the Christening/on the Christening day were not great.

So before we made the Christening album, we took a few more pics at home, (the following week,) of just them, me and them and DH, and then the two of them with their grandparents, all with our 'Christening' outfits on... and got them developed too (pre digital!)

Then we got the two lots together and it made a nice album. The official ones in the Church, and the laid back casual ones at home. The smiley, cute, nice ones outnumbered the scowly ones LOL!

Good luck. As I say, just both put your wedding attire on, and recreate the day for an hour or so and take some pics. All the best

I'm not a demanding person, I just wanted a few photos.

A few photos, a hen do arranged by the bride for you and family, and the flowers.

You wanted these things, and you didn't have to demand them, but you could have asked nicely. Then your daughter wouldn't be subject to this guessing game.

Not everybody will have a photo with just their parents (you mention splitting from your partner - is he her father?), certainly not necessarily a staged one of each parent individually. You could have asked.

A hen do organised by the bride for just family is definitely an odd expectation, I'm afraid. It would have been far simpler for you to organise it.

For the flowers - again, lots of variation in norms here. I got married last year and no wedding site etc suggested corsages for mums. Though my sister made my flowers and did them anyway. No idea where she got the idea from, as the mums didn't have them at her own wedding.

As for the dogsbody comments - to be honest, it sounds like you did the normal amount of chipping in as was traditional for parental involvement in a wedding. Not that I'm sure it wasn't lovely and appreciated, but it's fairly normal for people directly related to the couple to give a hand.

It's all very well to be 'not demanding', but if you don't even ask nicely, then you set yourself up for a fall.

You say you’ve never been married. You were the mob. You saw how stressful that was for you on the day.

Having been a bride, I can tell you the whole wedding is a bit of a whirlwind. It really didn’t occur to me to have specific ones behind those directed by the photographer at the church.

The photographer came to the venue for a while and took various photos of dh and me and walked around to take shots of guests and people dh or I happened to be talking to. Perhaps this is what happened with your sils family and it wasn’t preplanned at all.

I managed to grab a photo with two of my family members - one on each side so they were unrelated and it is lovely to have this picture of the 3 of us as they are both now dead. That was in no way planned.

You’ve had a horrible year. You can be unhappy about the past. Or you can choose to give yourself the gift of a photo shoot with your dd.

Oh and as for the corsage and hen. I never got either of those for my mother. It didn’t occur to me to do either. I wasn’t really interested in having a hen do either.

And I don't know why people are being so harsh. You're the bride's mother FGS, not some irrelevant nobody just going to a wedding of a work colleague

Is it reasonable for a bride's mother to be annoyed she didn't have a corsage given to her to make her stand out? (Even though no women were given them)
Is it reasonable for the mother of the bride to be annoyed she didn't get a separate hen party thrown for her by the bride?
Is it reasonable for the mother of the bride to contact the photographer a year later because she isn't happy she features enough in the photos?

It doesn't matter if she is the mother of the bride or not. That's no grounds for stamping her feet saying "poor me the day wasn't enough about me, I didn't get enough attention"

I learnt at a wedding you have to plan and put yourself out for photos, my best friend in a group of 3 never got a photo with us on her wedding and was very upset.
Yabvu about the rest, it is not your day, if you weren't happy to help for the sake of helping then you shouldn't have bothered.
It seems like your DD actively included you in the planning.

Why don’t you arrange something special now for you and her? Just because. :)

I am so sorry that you're having such a rough time in life generally at the moment. When everything comes at once like that, it's like having your protective layers stripped away. We feel more vulnerable, and we are liable to overreact to small things.

I would also be a little bit hurt by this, but it's the type of thing that's not really worth raising or making a fuss about. At the end of the day, the wedding is for the bride and groom, and some people do get a little bit selfish about it and forget that other people have also made a big effort towards it as well. I don't think 'mother/father of the bride' is such a big deal nowadays as it used to be; it's quite normal for those to be really small roles now.

petbear
@Lilygreen42 YANBU, and I think you have every right to feel upset and low about it. And I am sorry you've had a shit year.

Thank you!xxxxxx

petbear

Might do just that - take a few photos in our outfits!

Your "natural" christening photos sound great!xxxx

I’m sorry it’s been a stressful time. Please don’t delve on the wedding. Did your daughter have a great day? Is she happily married, healthy etc...? If so, that’s the most important. Perhaps the two of you could have a lovely mother and daughter lunch and afternoon together?

I know the world doesn't revolve around me - I try to help everyone, if I can.

I was glad to help my daughter on her special day and many mobs wear corsages, not an unusual thing. Never mind. I like flowers!

I think a lot of people on here are being unkind.

What I think is that you are dealing with a lot of emotions right now and maybe acting in an abnormal way. Were you going through a tough time when she was getting married also?

I think with any wedding hindsight exposes a lot. I can look back at my wedding and change things that upset me now.

I wouldn’t mention anything as you could have also ensured a few things were done but didn’t. Just bare all this in mind for the day that you son marries. Everyone juggles a lot for a wedding so I doubt she had done it purposefully.

Its easy to say the wedding isn't about you and to be honest its not but it is a family affair and parents (I know mine did) feel invested in the day - not in an ownership kind of way but they felt emotionally attached. Getting caught up in the day and not getting all the photos you mean to get is so common - it happened at my wedding.

I think this is a great opportunity for a mum/daughter day - get your make up done, get in your dresses, go out for lunch and get a professional session at a nice photographer. Weddings are important but they are also just one day and doesn't mean you can capture that love moment with each other.

As for the flowers and things - those traditions are very old fashion now and shouldn't be expected. The modern wedding etiquette is now more "whatever makes the bride and groom the happiest".

Please don't feel overlooked - I actually didn't get a picture of me and my mum, I have no idea how it got missed but it did. Sometimes these things just happen through no fault of anyone. My mum had a wonderful day, 4 years on and she doesn't stop talking about it...!

It’s ok to feel sad but you also have to let it go. What’s done is done.

Weddings are getting less and less traditional so it’s unsurprising that a MOB corsage buttonhole might be overlooked. Families are also less traditional, 2 sets of two parents can easily become 4 sets of two parents, and as some people are marrying later (or having second marriages) no parents is also a possibility.

Take up the photographers offer - you will regret it if you don’t.

Plus, it will remind them not to overlook the MOB (if there is one) at future weddings!

Fingers crossed your other troubles improve soon.

I don't think it's unusual for a mother of the bride to have a corsage. Some do, some don't , a bit like wearing a hat for a wedding, it's not unusual either way.

I was glad to help my daughter on her special day and many mobs wear corsages, not an unusual thing
Again though, it's about you wanting what you think should happen.
People have said corsages for mums aren't the norm. It may not be unusual, but it's up to the couple what they want to do.

It's tradition to have a big period of time where everyon has a million formal photos, immediate family, wider family, bridal party, groom and bride with separate siblings/parents etc. Many couples (me included) dont do that. If our parents complained because they didn't like that we didn't have a formal photo with them then we'd be telling them where to go because neither of us like photoshoots, we hate weddings with massive time gaps for photos and wouldn't do that to our guests.

It's tradition for dad to give the bride away. Many couples don't do that.
If a dad was moping a year later about how unfair it was he didn't get his special moment because he's the father of the bride don't you know, he'd be rightly told to get over it.

Did you ask for wedding corsages? Your DD might not have known about this tradition. Button holes are pretty common, flowers for the females in the family aren’t.

Also the camera person will just have snapped away apart from the formal photos. So if you didn’t remember to ask, it’s not your DD’s fault she was too caught up in the day to ask either.

Don’t make your DD’s wedding day a point of contention between you both, especially now it’s over and done with she cannot transport back in time and make the changes you want.

Also going against the grain to say you are entitled to your feelings OP.
I had a very big (first) wedding. Loads of photos. The marriage ended and my ExH went to bin the wedding albums. I salvaged them. Not long after my Mum got very ill and passed away.
Even though my ExH was awful, the divorce was a shit storm and I’m remarried now, I’m still so happy to have those photos of my Mum and Dad together, me and my Mum and then the wider family ones (on my side).
Don’t beat yourself up for the way you feel. I’d try and learn from it and get lots of photos at other occasions.
Maybe you could arrange an event on the first wedding anniversary too? I’m sure your DD would love that.

Crikey I am shocked by some of these responses, I absolutely understand why the OP is feeling down about this, especially as it really is too late to do anything about it. I would take the photographer up on the offer of a photoshoot quite frankly, maybe one of these autumnal out for a walk ones. Am sure it was just that you were busy being the mother of the bride and making other guests feel welcome so the photo with your daughter just didn't happen. Am sure your daughter would have wanted one with your too.

When I was mother of the bride; I organised all of the flowers (apart from the brides bouquet as per tradition).
I made sure that I ordered a large special one for myself to match my outfit.