Feeling totally overlooked as mother of the bride

[Lilygreen42]

First time posting here.

After a very stressful year, Mum diagnosed with dementia, splitting from partner, son at university, etc, etc, I finally looked at my daughter's wedding photographs taken by the official photographer properly for the first time - the wedding was last year. Know it sounds mad but I just haven't done this till now. I was very upset to find that there wasn't one single photo of me with my daughter apart from one large group photo with the rest of my family. There were no photos of me with my daughter by ourselves. There aren't any taken by other guests either. Don't know how it happened. I took a few but I think I must have assumed that I didn't need to ask anyone to take some for me because the official photographer would have done so. I don't know. I have emailed the photographer and he said it might have been an oversight on his part! He's offered to do a family photo shoot, but I feel the moment has passed and what's the point? There were hardly any photos of my side of the family at all and absolutely loads of the groom's side - there were loads of the groom's Dad - the groom's Mum sadly passed away about 10 years ago. I also realised that I had no flowers either to match every else, nor did my mother nor the groom's gran. Don't the mother of the bride and the grans usually have a corsage? The men all had buttonholes but I had nothing. Plus, my daughter was supposed to organise a "hen do" for me and my sister and she never did - she went with her friends on her official hen do. The wedding took place in the groom's home town and I now feel that the whole wedding was for him, his family and their friends and that the bride's family were way down on the list of priority. Her brothers were groomsmen and her Dad gave her away and her cousin, my niece was a bridesmaid and obviously there were photos of all of them, but I just feel that her own family didn't figure highly in my daughter's thinking when it came to her wedding. Maybe I'm being unfair and just upset about it all. I helped my daughter with a lot of the preparations beforehand, decorated the church with flowers with my sister, helped prepare the presents for the guests, wrote out all the names for the place settings, took back all the suits to the suit hirer, etc. I feel I was just a dogsbody and that I wasn't treated properly as mother of the bride. It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too, but I was just treated like any other guest. It's taken me this long to work it out. Am I wrong to feel like this?

Why didn't I realise about the photos not being taken? I was taken up with the whole day, going from one thing to the next, it's always rather mad on wedding days, isn't it?

Yes which is why your daughter, the bride, probably forgot to ensure she had a photograph taken with you.

You are seeing problems that don't exist, is there something deeper going on here? You sound very unhappy and perhaps that is causing you to view the wedding and your relationship with your daughter in a negative way.

I can't believe you emailed the photographer, what are they supposed to do about it now?

sounds very reasonable, the photographer might very well have kept unworked or less great photos and have 1 or 2 of the mother of the bride and her daughter. Why not ask just in case?

Sorry but you are being ridiculous. I got married last year and neither my mum nor my MIL had corsages. I didn't know that was a thing

I think you've been getting a hard time from some posters on this.

I had a similar experience but in my case it wasn't a wedding , but the birth of my son.

When he was born, many photographs were taken and I saw them and life moved on.

It wasn't until much later when I looked at them all again and realised that my face didn't appear in any of the newborn hospital photographs. My arms and my body were in the photos but not my face. Other peoples faces were taken in photos with the baby, and there were some of just the baby, but none of my face with my baby.

I'm not sure how that happened. I'd just had a baby so I wasn't up for being director of photography at the time. I never said anything about it but it still rankles a bit.

I didn’t know corsages were a thing either. Even buttonholes seem like a bit of a waste of money.

OP, you sound like hard work to be honest. My MIL gets a bit like this. She won’t tackle her actual problems, but out of the blue will find some fault with something that happened months ago that we can’t do anything about. (i.e. not inviting her to a school play because there were no spare tickets). I really hope your DD doesn’t know you’re complaining to the photographer, I’d be mortified!

I agree that lots of people have ditched corsages for the women; for two good reasons:

1. Cost
2. Lots of people don't like having them because they can look shit on an expensive and carefully chosen outfit. They are old fashioned and as corsages match the wedding colours and flowers rather than the outfit of the participant, your deep coral dress and wrap might be attacked by blush pink roses. It's not a problem with the men as they all wear grey or blue matching suits.

You have defended yourself as to why you didn't ask the photographer on the day by saying how it's a busy, overwhelming day, - why on earth can't you see that was even more the case for the bride? It was an oversight by the photographer principally, but then as much by you as by the bride and groom. It's well known that this kind of things happens on the day, so even for my second and tiny wedding, our photographer asked for a list of must have shots in advance, which was very worthwhile as for example the photograph of my increasingly frail mum with her sister, my aunt, is very precious to my aunt. I think that if you were marginalised on the day, you would have felt it on the day and in the days immediately afterwards. You didn't so I doubt you were. Don't recolour a lovely day in hindsight and turn it grey and miserable. I know a lot of mums now go on hen events but it's still not expected, and it's usually not organised by the bride. I only went out to dinner and drinks with friends, - no mum! And no "special" extra hen do with my mum either, it didn't occur to either of us. The special people on the day are the bride and groom (and sometimes even he doesn't seem to get much of a look in) The MOB traditionally doesn't have a formal role in the speeches, although most grooms have the grace to thank both the bride's parents for welcoming him into the family and producing such an amazing woman. Please don't raise this with your daughter, for your sake.

I’m 57 and have never heard of wedding corsages for anyone in a U.K. wedding party although I realise other countries have them.

YABVU OP. It was so low down on your list of priorities that it’s taken you a year to notice this so it is would be totally out of proportion to say anything about it now.

The Mother’s Day photo shoot is a lovely idea - that could be a very special day for you and your daughter.

Oh god your post has resonated so much with me, and not in a good way. My own mum said something similar, a couple of years after my wedding. She was menopausal and her sense of self was way off kilter. She came out with all sorts about how she felt undervalued, both used and not asked to do enough and there was too much emphasis on other people rather than her. We have a video of it that disproves most of her complaints but even that didn’t help. It was awful, she ruined my memories of what I had believed to be a beautiful day.

I’m not suggesting you are menopausal, but it does sound like your focus is a little off. I understand you have had a horrible time of things, but don’t lash out at the wrong thing.

Contrary to your firmly held belief, scientists are now certain that the universe does not, in fact, revolve around you. I hope this helps.

Her family were heavily involved, as you describe.

I think you're right about the photos, it is a bit suprising not have one of you and your daughter - or at least all of your family with the B&G, or both sets of parents with the B&G. If they went down traditional posed photo route that is. Some people opt for a more informal approach.

If they did do posed photos, the B&G will have instructed the photographer and provided a list of photos they wanted. They are tehrefore the people to discuss this with. It's odd that you went straight to the photographer.

As for the rest, there is no 'standard' approach to weddings that happens every time. Some people place more emphasis on some bits, others on others. Some are into flowers, others music, others cake, others getting everyone dancing. So corsages for the mothers... no. Not a reasonable expectation. Maybe some people do that. I've never seen or heard of it.

I think the wedding photographer fucked up. Some are shockingly bad at their jobs. It really isn’t rocket science for them to do bride’s side, groom’s side, all the men, all the women, couple with parents etc.

Maybe you could take him up on the free photo shoot?

It’s a shame you didn’t get a date your daughter was free and organise a lovely meal with her and your sister. Maybe you still could?

I think weddings can be minefields for causing offence. Be glad you were there!

I do understand why you're sad about the photos, it would be nice to have a photo with your daughter on her wedding day. All the rest of it wouldn't bother me at all. Your daughter and her husband chose where to get married and you have to respect their decision (it was their wedding after all). As for the hen night, well... You can have a night out another time. Maybe your daughter just had too much going on. I didn't have a hen night, can't see the appeal myself. We got married just the two of us (and 2 witnesses) in a registry office and reading posts like this I'm so relieved we did!! I can't be doing with worrying about who should have corsages, table favours, seating plans etc. What a nightmare! My parents weren't even invited to my wedding which they understood as they knew we wanted it to be just the 2 of us. They've never been offended by this. My dad just joked that he was relieved as it saved him a lot of expense! Unless you have other issues with your daughter you need to move on from these disappointments.

Like other posters I think you seem way too obsessed with what you want and your role and your importance.

We don't have many official photographs with our families because we told the photographer we didn't want that type of photography.

If any family emailed our photographer a year later because they didn't like how little they featured in OUR wedding photos I'd be really pissed off

If my daughter was happy and had a special day, I’d be happy. I appreciate your view about photos and I agree but you’ve left it too late to say anything now.

You also could’ve been more proactive. It was her wedding, why should she organise a mini hen with you? That was your opportunity to do something special.

You’ve had a lousy year and looking through the wedding album - which is a sentimental thing anyway - you felt you’ve missed out on an important moment being captured on film. It’s understandable that when you’ve had a year of emotional upheaval you’re feeling vulnerable and feeling a bit lost and disconnected. I’d guess that’s why you were looking through the album. Yes, your daughter could have asked for the photos to be taken and organised flowers but it’s also possible that she assumed, as you did, that the photographer would take a bride-with-mother shot as standard. The flowers would be easy to overlook and you know it wasn’t personal as the groom’s grandmother didn’t have any either.

Weddings and the planning of are very rarely the film ideal of the mother with a tear in her eye watching the daughter try on the dress and an emotional hug when the mother hands over the family heirloom earrings for the daughter to wear on her big day. We can get caught up in what should be and that can only lead to disappointment because they’re often much more about arguments over guest lists and tears because, after all the stress of trying to make things perfect, who is going to collect Great Uncle Dennis becomes strangely vital. It’s sad that you didn’t get that photo but was the wedding nice? Did your daughter look happy? How were the speeches? Was the food good? Was there dancing? Focusing on what was missing can overshadow all the good memories if you let it.

Why not have your belated ‘hen do.’ Set aside the disappointments, avoid recriminations and ask your daughter and her aunt round for the evening. No expectations, just a bottle of wine and some time to talk, just the three of you.

If you're wondering why it's taken me so long to have a proper look at the photos, then just walk a year in my shoes and you will know why. You don't know me or my life. I'm not a demanding person, I just wanted a few photos. I should have asked someone to take some of me with my daughter - my fault.

I take on board all of your comments. Good to hear other people's views on this.

Yes. Look back at what you have said, your family was involved, I assume her brothers are your sins, ,her dad, you say you only split last year? your niece, your sister, your mum, all there, all involved in some way, as your daughter wanted

Ok photos maybe an issue bit you should have sorted that on the day,

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, your daughter has the day she wished and that’s what should matter to you

We don't have many official photographs with our families because we told the photographer we didn't want that type of photography.

We don't have many formal shots either I cannot stand forced posing and I didn't want guests stuck waiting for hours whilst photos were being taken, I don't think this approach is unusual. I also think natural in the moment shots are much nicer memories.

Maybe your daughter feels disappointed that you didn't arrange a hen/get photos taken etc. It's very plausible that the groom's dad called the photographer over for their photos, and you should have perhaps done the same.

Don't mention it now. All you'll do is taint her memories of the day and that would be selfish to do. You can't go back.

I'd arrange a girly spa day with you and your daughter and take a load of snaps there. Instead of being sad about something that's gone, you might as well try and make new memories that are special to you and her.

Ummm it wasn’t your wedding!

You had no official role to play.

The lack of photos was an obvious oversight but something you could have requested at the time.

Further, it isn’t your daughters job to organise her own hen.

You weren’t invited to the hen. She merely said she would take you out to placate you and then obviously she didn’t. The moment has now past.

It may hurt, but it was likely a very busy time for your daughter and was not intended as a personal slight.

Further, I find it utterly bizarre when older family members come out for the pub crawl.

The bride feels obligated to sit with them all night and it’s just awkward and sad for them.

You had no role to play. It’s sad, but you had your wedding already.

I'm not a demanding person, I just wanted a few photos.

Which is fine but that didn't happen and in the kindest possible way dwelling on it a year later is not going to change things. You have years ahead of you to take pictures with your daughter at other events and occasions try to remember that and like I said previously his mother doesn't have that luxury.

Sounds like you are going through a tough time with everything else and when you have a low mood it can impact on other areas of your life that wouldn’t normally bother you.

In your defence, any wedding photographer I have come across including my own have met the couple beforehand and get them to write a list of photos they want so it all goes like clockwork on the day. This saved us a load of hastle and I’m surprised your DD didn’t consider one of you two as important. However as everyone else has said, it was HER wedding so ultimately up to her.

I would be mortified if I thought my DM had complained to the photographer, I do think that was a bad move to make but there’s no need for your DD to find out.

I would personally move on and realise what’s done is done. Whatever you do, DO NOT mention any of this to your DD. There’s nothing she can do to make you feel any better and it would be selfish on your part

Yabu, stop feeling sorry for yourself. This was your DD day, not yours. You only just looked through the wedding photos months after the wedding, and now you have a problem with them?

The photographer probably had a list of group shots to take, as directed by the couple (who were employing them). No one else should be insisting on particular pictures they want for themselves- it’s the bride and grooms choice.

We gave a list to our photographer which didn’t include a photo of me and my mum on our own.

Something similar happened at my wedding. But it was the photographers fault no anyone else's. There was only one picture of my brothers and they were ushers but got completely missed out. They are missing from all the pictures apart form one portrait type pic taken at the reception afterwards of just them and me. We had specifically told the photographer who everyone was, but on the day he turned up late and so the pics of the grooms party that were meant to be done outside the church aren't there. There is one pic of my husband and best man taken inside and that's it! Don't blame your daughter it probably isnt her fault.