Feeling totally overlooked as mother of the bride

[Lilygreen42]

First time posting here.

After a very stressful year, Mum diagnosed with dementia, splitting from partner, son at university, etc, etc, I finally looked at my daughter's wedding photographs taken by the official photographer properly for the first time - the wedding was last year. Know it sounds mad but I just haven't done this till now. I was very upset to find that there wasn't one single photo of me with my daughter apart from one large group photo with the rest of my family. There were no photos of me with my daughter by ourselves. There aren't any taken by other guests either. Don't know how it happened. I took a few but I think I must have assumed that I didn't need to ask anyone to take some for me because the official photographer would have done so. I don't know. I have emailed the photographer and he said it might have been an oversight on his part! He's offered to do a family photo shoot, but I feel the moment has passed and what's the point? There were hardly any photos of my side of the family at all and absolutely loads of the groom's side - there were loads of the groom's Dad - the groom's Mum sadly passed away about 10 years ago. I also realised that I had no flowers either to match every else, nor did my mother nor the groom's gran. Don't the mother of the bride and the grans usually have a corsage? The men all had buttonholes but I had nothing. Plus, my daughter was supposed to organise a "hen do" for me and my sister and she never did - she went with her friends on her official hen do. The wedding took place in the groom's home town and I now feel that the whole wedding was for him, his family and their friends and that the bride's family were way down on the list of priority. Her brothers were groomsmen and her Dad gave her away and her cousin, my niece was a bridesmaid and obviously there were photos of all of them, but I just feel that her own family didn't figure highly in my daughter's thinking when it came to her wedding. Maybe I'm being unfair and just upset about it all. I helped my daughter with a lot of the preparations beforehand, decorated the church with flowers with my sister, helped prepare the presents for the guests, wrote out all the names for the place settings, took back all the suits to the suit hirer, etc. I feel I was just a dogsbody and that I wasn't treated properly as mother of the bride. It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too, but I was just treated like any other guest. It's taken me this long to work it out. Am I wrong to feel like this?

Motherinlawsdung

Thank you for understanding!xxx

Your dd was relying on you to help the day run smoothly I'm sure. That's exactly what I'd be doing! As a result things got overlooked and that must be very disappointing for you. But it can't be helped now
Don't make it more than it is. It doesn't have to be some kind of reflection on how your dd values you or not.
You sound like a good mum to me

If you have a good relationship with your daughter OP, then please just move on. You'll taint her wedding memories and her relationship with you will be affected.

This stuff isn't important. It really, really isn't.

Well, this could be something or nothing.
How is your relationship with your daughter in general?

I think that you have so much really, properly hurtful stuff going on in your life at the moment that you a focussing on this to distract you/stop you facing up to it all. You need your family's support at the moment, please don't alienate yourself by making a fuss about this.

I get it in a way, I'm really annoyed with my photographer as there's loads of photos of DH friends from our reception and 1 of mine, loads of the kids which were there yet none of me and my family together - but, I wouldn't have brought it up with her, whats's the point there's nothing she can do about it now it's done. We had no help with arranging and didn't think to make her a list of specific photographs we would like.
I wasn't treated properly as mother of the bride I do wonder what you mean by this though? My DM had no involvement in arranging my wedding at all, didn't even come dress shopping with em I went alone, there were no flowers/corsages for women (they cost a fortune) How should I have treated her on a day that gave me no end of stress for months and was then over in the blink of an eye?

You need to let this go, nobody looks at wedding photos much afterwards anyway (as you have proved). Accept the photo shoot and then you will have a lovely photo of you and your daughter.

I don't think you can lay it all on your DD tbh. The run up to a wedding can be hectic and although she might have had the best of intentions organising another hen for her older family members could've easily fallen by the wayside if she was already struggling to make time or pay for other more central aspects of the wedding.

The photos I can see would be really disappointing but sometimes these things happen- especially nowadays where wedding photography is more documentary style rather than posed for the most part. My DSis was mortified to find that out of 500+ photos their photographer had completely omitted to take even one of BIL's Grandmother/matriarch. It does happen and you can't blame your DD for not spending her wedding day policing a professional she trusted to do a job. I'm sure the photographer is actually a bit embarrassed at the oversight (and it is a big one!) and that's why they've offered the family shoot as an apology.

It also reads like she skipped corsages for the women altogether. They're a bit dated looking to many and I wouldn't have bothered except I knew my own DMum would expect one.

You've obviously had a difficult year and I hope things get better for you. But it sounds a bit like you're spiralling into thinking that everything is shit, no-one cares about you and starting to take things personally when no offence was meant at all. That's really dangerous to your mental health and relationships. Speaking from my own experience, I would really recommend that you speak to someone and try to get help with dealing with some of the difficulties you've faced over the last year rather than isolating yourself.

There’s wasn’t one of just me and my DD when she got married last year, either - didn’t occur to me to want it or to ask ! It was a very free ranging style photographer, who got some beautiful natural shots which reflected the relaxed, happy nature of the day. There were a few formal groups, because we had people coming from all over the world and were unlikely to get them together again and we do have a family one of the bride, groom, her sister ( DD2 /bridesmaid), my DH and myself which is framed and in our house.

I had done a lot of tasks in the run up to help out and my day was spent catching up with our side’s side guests, meeting the groom’s family and meeting the bridal couple’s various uni/work friends that I didn’t know before.

After having taken the cake over to the venue at 7,30 am I came back to a waking household and realised I was the only person of our nuclear family who didn’t have an official, formal role in the day - and it was a glorious, liberating thought ! I did get thanked in the groom’s speech but really, the pleasure in participating and seeing a lovely occasion unfold with my beautiful daughter and her lovely husband had been a privilege.

I wonder if the OP is a similar age to me (mid-fifties) as it would have been unthinkable in my day for the MOB and the MOG not to have a special corsage to wear on the day while the guests had buttonholes - I'm quite surprised to see that it's not expected now!

OP, I think the wedding has become the focus of your other anxieties. I don't know if I've got a photo of myself with my mum on the day now, I'll have to check!

This stuff isn't important. It really, really isn't.

Wise advice it's all so petty. None of this stuff matters just be thankful you were alive and well to see your daughter get married. I'm sure his mother would have loved the opportunity to see him grow up and start his new life with your daughter. Just stop and think for a moment how lucky you are that you got to see that and that you get to be a part of their future lives together.

Actually yes, you should have had corsages. I made sure my mum, MIL and all the nannas had corsages that matched mine and my bridesmaid’s bouquets. I don’t think it’s particularly grabby to expect that. I did my own flowers though, so it wasn’t difficult to make sure I included everyone.

Any wedding photographer should be professional enough to know that the bride’s mother is an important part of the wedding party, and “forgetting” about you is a pathetic excuse.

As for the “family hen do”, you should have organised that yourself. You could have booked an afternoon tea somewhere, so I think you’re being a bit daft about that.

Honestly I think you need to have a good cry about this and then move on. There’s nothing to be gained from dwelling on it. Yes, you are hurt but you aren’t going to get un-hurt by going over and over it in your head so just let go of it.

I'm a wedding photographer op and it is an oversight on the part of your dd's photographer UNLESS she specified that she didn't want pictures with you.

I go through all the group photography requirements at the ore wedding meeting to check out any family issues/make sure all required group and family shots are covered in the day. In the day itself I make a point of telling guests to find me if they want extra pictures of smaller groups that would otherwise not be included.

Sometimes couples don't want certain photos done and that's their choice. Otherwise he's cocked up. Brides family and groom's family photos are a staple unless there are issues. So yanbu to be upset that you're not in the photos.

Apart From that though, I think you have to let it go. Extra hen do's and corsages are really not that important and I wonder if the reason you're feeling upset in part, is because you never had a wedding of your own?

That and having had a tough year will make you see things in a different light.

Take the photographer up on his offer, have a lovely photo shoot, make a day of it with your dd and it can double up as the hen do you never had.

The other stuff? Let it go

is it possible at the time you where too busy enjoying yourself to notice you weren't in any photos? I wouldn't let the fact that you have just released now taint the memories of your day.

My mother is dead and I don’t have a photo of us together, not a single one. It upsets me so I realise that photos can be important.

Go and take one. A real one, doing something you like doing together or in a place you really like. Something that brings a good memory and not something artificially posed in hair and makeup and things you’d never normally wear.

It sounds like you have had a difficult time recently and you are probably (quite rightly) feeling sorry for yourself. This is making you focus on the wedding more than you should . That moment has gone so be glad your daughter had a lovely day and try and move on. Maybe arrange something nice to do with your daughter but don't mention the wedding and risk losing your relationship.

Sorry but yabu.

I can imagine why you’re feeling so emotional and sensitive after the year you’ve had but I think it’s leading you to blow things out of proportion a bit.

Try not to dwell on things that can’t be changed and focus on the happy memories of the day, rather than the bits you aren’t pleased by.

You could suggest a photo of you both as a mother’s day gift. Dress up have a photo done in a studio and go for lunch.

No need to mention the wedding just tell dd your feeling sad about your own mum( which is probably true) and want to do things with her while you still can.

You can get what you want without causing upset x

I think your looking for an outlook for your emotions if that’s the right wording. You’ve obviously had a lot to deal with recently emotionally and I think your using your daughters wedding as a reason to get angry and to let your emotions out.

It was her wedding, aslong as she and her husband had the perfect day who cares about anybody else?

I don't understand why you think it's fine that you didn't notice you didn't have pictures because 'weddings are a bit mad' but you think your daughter not noticing is thoughtless when surely the day is a lot more crazy for her and she's taken 800 photos already?

Double standards. I think that you're a bit sensitive right now and that's OK, but don't go causing a ruckus with your daughter a YEAR down the line. I'd be very hurt by that if I was your daughter.

I can understand why you feel upset in light of everything that has happened to you recently. I think there are two key things you can do.

1 - do not articulate your feelings to your daughter. All it will do is cause a rift and there is nothing to be gained from it. She can't turn the clock back and do it differently.

2 - organise some nice things that you and your daughter can do together. Tell her that you're missing your mum and you value time spent with her. Perhaps you can have a regular dinner date with her or book in a day out or weekend away. I am sure you can get past your feelings if you look to the future and build your relationship with your daughter.

Posters are unfair

YANBU a little bit, of course any mum would be sad not to have photos with her kids. A photo of the bride and mother and the bride would have been nice.

OP, don't get too upset, if you didn't realise until now, I bet neither did your daughter. Weddings go so quickly, you don't have time to really notice anything, don't take it personally.

I do not know any mother of the bride who had any accessory or wore anything to say "mother of the bride". The majority is just wearing the best outfit they'll ever have, and quite a few have a massive hat.

Just look at Carole Middleton outfits on her daughters weddings. That's how most mother of the bride I now looked (with possibly cheaper outfits).

It's happened now...a year ago. I can't believe you emailed the photographer, what are they supposed to do about it now? If it is about the lack of photos go and have the family photoshoot. Utterly ridiculous to complain now.

It was not your day. The special part is being invited to witness your beloved child having the most special day of her life, not having your photo taken and wearing some flowers.

My MIL moans constantly about how she wasn't on the top table and wasn't in many photos at her daughters wedding (5 years ago). She wasn't invited to our wedding. There is no pleasing some people so we didn't bother trying.

Op, you sound very overwhelmed with all that’s been going on in your life. I know the wedding didn’t turn out as you’d have liked, but as gently as possible it wasn’t your day.
It sound like your stress levels are making you see all the negatives, remembering all the things you didn’t have not the involvement you did.
I got married in July and we have no pics of just me and my mum, and she didn’t have flowers, and this was with her paying for lots of it. So I don’t think you got off too badly.
Did you enjoy the day at the time?

By the way you write you sound stressed from what’s been going in your life, do you have any support or people you can offload to? A counsellor can be a good neutral person to talk to.

I get it, it would have been nice to have a photo of you with the your daughter and with the pair of them. If a photographer is a traditional wedding photographer, s/he will get these groups into a shot at sometime after the ceremony and before the breakfast. But if your DD and her DH asked for a more reportage approach, ie take shots of everyone mingling and chatting, then it's a shame that neither of you stopped to grab each other and take a photo together. Perhap the groom's Dad did exactly this.

All the stuff about you were a dogsbody and you should have been special is bollocks. Your DD was the special person, and the groom.

But the wedding went well, everyone gets on in the families, your DD is happy, that's the main thing right?