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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling totally overlooked as mother of the bride

268 replies

Lilygreen42 · 18/09/2019 09:09

First time posting here.

After a very stressful year, Mum diagnosed with dementia, splitting from partner, son at university, etc, etc, I finally looked at my daughter's wedding photographs taken by the official photographer properly for the first time - the wedding was last year. Know it sounds mad but I just haven't done this till now. I was very upset to find that there wasn't one single photo of me with my daughter apart from one large group photo with the rest of my family. There were no photos of me with my daughter by ourselves. There aren't any taken by other guests either. Don't know how it happened. I took a few but I think I must have assumed that I didn't need to ask anyone to take some for me because the official photographer would have done so. I don't know. I have emailed the photographer and he said it might have been an oversight on his part! He's offered to do a family photo shoot, but I feel the moment has passed and what's the point? There were hardly any photos of my side of the family at all and absolutely loads of the groom's side - there were loads of the groom's Dad - the groom's Mum sadly passed away about 10 years ago. I also realised that I had no flowers either to match every else, nor did my mother nor the groom's gran. Don't the mother of the bride and the grans usually have a corsage? The men all had buttonholes but I had nothing. Plus, my daughter was supposed to organise a "hen do" for me and my sister and she never did - she went with her friends on her official hen do. The wedding took place in the groom's home town and I now feel that the whole wedding was for him, his family and their friends and that the bride's family were way down on the list of priority. Her brothers were groomsmen and her Dad gave her away and her cousin, my niece was a bridesmaid and obviously there were photos of all of them, but I just feel that her own family didn't figure highly in my daughter's thinking when it came to her wedding. Maybe I'm being unfair and just upset about it all. I helped my daughter with a lot of the preparations beforehand, decorated the church with flowers with my sister, helped prepare the presents for the guests, wrote out all the names for the place settings, took back all the suits to the suit hirer, etc. I feel I was just a dogsbody and that I wasn't treated properly as mother of the bride. It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too, but I was just treated like any other guest. It's taken me this long to work it out. Am I wrong to feel like this?

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 18/09/2019 09:37

It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too

Well I am sure it was special for you, your DD got married. I think you have had so much going on in your life that this has magnified the issue for you, which really is a non issue. It was your DD and her DH's day and not yours. Her DH sadly lost his mother, she could hardly make the day about her mother could she. If you had specifically wanted a photo of you and her together you should have asked the photographer and surely on the day you were aware that photo had not been taken, so a bit odd you're surprised when you look at the photos. You sound delicate OP, don't let this become and issue or it will come between you and your DD.

WooMaWang · 18/09/2019 09:38

There’s only 1 (large group) photo of me from my sister’s wedding. I was the only bridesmaid. I’ve never cared. She got the photos she wanted (which include some lovely ones of my sons).

FlibbertyGiblets · 18/09/2019 09:38

I'm really sorry OP. You've got a lot on your plate and this is one of those irrational 'tip you over the edge' things.

Try to put it behind you. Best wishes.

Sooverthemill · 18/09/2019 09:38

I think a lot of your upset is down to all the other things you have had happening and you are focusing on the photos and corsage etc because you are upset generally with your life. It's a shame there are no photos just of you and your daughter from the wedding but it's really not the end of the world. There will be more good days to come

Brefugee · 18/09/2019 09:39

Oh OP I think you're getting a horrible pasting for being sad about something that most of us would be sad about if we're honest.

I get that you were having a tough year and that this is something that wasn't a priority (looking at the photographs) but unfortunately it is done and that is that.

If it makes you feel better perhaps in passing you could mention to your daughter that it's a shame there aren't photos of you from the day - but you're going to have to accept her answer and live with it.

I hope things have started picking up for you now and things have calmed down and you're enjoying your life more. Do you have people you can chat to?

EndoftheWorlds · 18/09/2019 09:39

Didn't you organise the flowers? I thought the brides mother does all of that as they pay?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 18/09/2019 09:39

It wasn't the grooms wedding, it was the bride and grooms. And to be honest, if you're just looking at the photos after a year, you didn't organise a hen do, you didn't notice no photos were being taken on the day and you didn't notice that you didn't have any flowers, it may be that she wasn't that fussed about you having any special mother of the bride privileges. Are you usually close? Why have you been so disengaged? Did you spend any time chatting to your daughter on the day, so people might have got natural shots? I'd be surprised if the photographer had missed that.

I don't have a mother, so I'll have no MoTB, but we've talked about things with DPs mum already, as we're planning stuff.

In short, yes YABU. It was their day, and you have no real course to complain about it, especially a year later.

AmIThough · 18/09/2019 09:39

You have a lifetime of memories with your daughter.
This was her and her husbands day.
You're going through a lot and taking your anger out on the wrong people.

NavyBerry · 18/09/2019 09:39

Flowers for you? A hen do for you? Ehh you weren't a bride. It was your daughter's wedding! Shocking that you didn't even bother to look at her wedding photos all this time. Poor girl

WTF99 · 18/09/2019 09:40

I think you're getting a hard time here op.

It sounds as if you've had a lot to deal with lately and I'm not surprised you're feeling a bit vulnerable.

In being so involved with the wedding practicalities....which I'm sure your dd must have appreciated....it seems some of the details important to you were overlooked, by you and your dd. I would be disappointed not to have a photo with dd...who wouldn't!
But it's all done now and you risk souring your relationship with dd if you can't put it behind you. It's just a day. There are many more happy times ahead. Focus on enjoying those and give dd a break on this one.

Motherinlawsdung · 18/09/2019 09:40

I don’t think YABU. I think your daughter has been a bit thoughtless - and the photographer was clueless to be honest. I can understand how hurt you feel and I don’t agree with people saying that you’re trying to make it all about you. If that had been the case you’d have been stirring up trouble on the day and it doesn’t at all sound as if you did.
I’m sorry that this has happened to you.
Flowers

BigSandyBalls2015 · 18/09/2019 09:41

You'd look completely batshit if you brought this up with your DD now.

And I can't believe it's taken you over a year to look at the photos, that to me shows little interest to be honest. I know it sounds like you've had a stressful time with your mum etc (I've been there), but have there been no evenings when you've sat and watched TV and could have had a look at the photos? I bet your DD wonders why you hadn't commented on them or asked for some to be printed.

20viona · 18/09/2019 09:41

We got asked to give a list of must get photos before the big day so maybe speak to your daughter about this not the photographer! How embarrassing.

Wiltshirelass2019 · 18/09/2019 09:41

I think you should have organised the family hen do. Your daughter will have had enough on her plate.

You should have asked for a photo with the two of you.

You could have made the flowers buttons and coursage - my mum did 😊 in fact my family were amazing and pitched in to do little jobs and help.

MsTSwift · 18/09/2019 09:42

Posts like these make me so appreciate my own mother

Original poster
Lilygreen42 · 18/09/2019 09:42

Why didn't I realise about the photos not being taken? I was taken up with the whole day, going from one thing to the next, it's always rather mad on wedding days, isn't it?

My daughter and her husband had photos taken with his father, his Mum passed away 10 years ago.

I'm not hard work, completely the opposite. I'm very easy going, I never interferred with anything. I can't help how I feel. I have had an extremely stressful year with family and work commitments. I did have a look at the photos not long after the wedding but I've only just had a proper look at them all now. I don't crave to be the centre of attention I just wanted a few photos with my daughter, that's all and somehow it didn't happen.

OP posts:
Srictlybakeoff · 18/09/2019 09:43

I can totally understand why you are upset about the photos.
However my own do had a massive strop with me after the wedding because I hadn’t made her feel “special” I was gobsmacked . I thought she “ knew” how much she meant to me without any declarations, and the whole thing passed in a total blur of stress for me as I don’t like being the centre of attention. I ( maybe selfishly) wasn’t thinking of anyone else.
She totally misinterpreted things that happened by chance as being about her and made herself miserable. Please don’t do that to yourself - you have had enough to deal with

Crazyladee · 18/09/2019 09:44

I'm with you OP. It sounds like at the time you had a very stressful year and were perhaps in a bit of a "bubble" at your daughters wedding with your mind on lots of other stressful things.

Now, you are looking back and thinking why didn't I notice this or suggest this and as mother of the bride why was I excluded from that? Weddings can be extremely stressful and I remember not enjoying my huge and expensive wedding one bit because I was more worried about other people. Your daughter probably would have had so much on her mind she wouldn't have noticed the photographer leaving you out. It doesn't sound like it was done deliberately.

I would draw a line under it and put it out of your head. Don't jeapordise your relationship with your daughter by voicing your feelings. It won't do any good and life is too short to dwell.

CoraPirbright · 18/09/2019 09:45

I think you are still having a hard time with all that you have gone through recently and are perhaps subconsciously looking for something to fix upon, a focus for the bad feelings if you like. I am sorry but this is the wrong one (not up to the bride to organise a meal, its a shame about the photos but didnt you realise at the time?, ushers have flowers to match the scheme but I have never seen a wedding where the female guests had them too).

I think you need to work through your feelings about the individual things and not focus on this. You don’t want to sour relations with your daughter and it has been quite a long time since the wedding so bringing it up now seems weird.

choppolata · 18/09/2019 09:46

Just take the family photoshoot that's been offered and then you'll have your mum and daughter photos.

edgeofheaven · 18/09/2019 09:46

It's one thing to feel sad that you aren't in the photos - fair enough but unfortunately it's too late to do anything about it now.

The rest of your complaints - YABU. Having the wedding in you son in law's hometown is not an insult to you, never heard of a woman organising her own hen do specifically for her mum and aunt.

I worry that your next post is going to be that your DD is pregnant and you're upset because she doesn't want you in hospital while she's in labour, or that she's had a baby and the other grandparents see her more than you do. This is the road you're heading down and it's not a good one.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2019 09:46

This isn't right op. You need to let this go. Not cause upset s year later. Are you seriously suggesting you didn't have half an hour in the last year to look at your own daughters wedding photos?

And it wasn't about them making you feel special. It was about you making your daughter feel special. If you'd been more involved you'd have asked for pics, organised a night out, etc. The flowers thing is a bit weird though,

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2019 09:47

Sorry I should say the flower thing is weird as usually the mother of the bride doesn't have them.

LoseLooseLucy · 18/09/2019 09:47

Aww I feel bad for you OP, it's obviously upsetting you. No advice really but I hope you can stop dwelling on it so as you don't sour your relationship with your daughter Flowers

Damntheman · 18/09/2019 09:47

I also think that your emotions are being coloured by your horrific year. I'm sorry OP, your feelings are valid but you should not share them with your daughter.

I'd advise that you take the photographer up on his family photo offer. Get some lovely photos done now. There's always a point to having good photos of your loved ones!