Mum at school - what would you do?

[Jakeyblueblue]

I've got two school age kids, one in reception and one in year 4. There's another mum who lives about 10 doors up. She has kids in other classes. I don't know her name, would say hello If I saw her but that would be as far as our relationship went.
Last week she knocked on my door after school and said she had no money to feed the kids, said she was going to get paid the following day and could she borrow 30 quid. It totally threw me, I thought she must be really desperate to ask someone she hardly knows, so handed over the money. She's yet to make any attempt to pay me back, she walks past my house up and down to school and I've seen her in the playground everyday and she has ignored me, not even said hi. I've since found out that she has done similar to another mum, borrowed 40 quid over two separate occasions, same reason, no attempt to pay back.
Part of me is really annoyed and Wants to just ask her for it back, but then If she has no intention of paying me back, she will just lie so what's the point?? I'm on mat leave and the money was actually out of my kids piggy bank, can't afford to give her 30 quid and my husband is fuming, just thinks she is bloody cheeky!
On the other hand, Another part of me thinks maybe I should ask her if she is ok, say I know she has asked others?? Is there a problem? Maybe she has issues with drugs, gambling, debt and I don't want to make matters worse for her or embarrass her?? I don't know why I feel so awkward about it all!
She has a husband who does sometimes pick up the kids, she also has one or two mums that I see her speaking to, should I say something to them??
What would you do??

I would forget about the 30quid and not make any attempt to talk to her. Not worth it to fume about it. I would say to try and cut back on something you’d usually buy for yourself and put the money in the kids piggy back. I’ve just come back from mat leave so I feel for you :( x

Definitely speak to school as a “concerned parent”. If she does this kind of thing to other people as well there is probably a major problem in the home - drugs, alcohol or just general poverty . Please flag it up with whoever in the school deals with child protection- it may be nothing but in my experience behaviour like that from a parent often means other stuff is going on and the school need to be aware. It’s not normal behaviour.

You don’t report someone to social services because they haven’t got enough money for one day and have asked to lend money ffs 😂 it’s one day she isn’t starving them for weeks it can happen to anyone, an unexpected bill etc why would someone be nasty enough to report her to ss for that. Just ask for the money back.

EssentialHummus has it right. I'd write off the money and definitely speak to the head about it. You have to consider the children because it could well be drugs or gambling and both parents could be doing it whilst the kids suffer. I had to complain to a school about a parent whose child was constantly crying and screaming and generally not happy. When I complained, they said they knew about it and is on the case and thanked me for coming forward. The kid's wellbeing is more at stake here. As for the money, you know how that will go.

Report it to the school it'll be flagged as a safeguarding concern

Don't report it to social services, it takes A LOT for a concern to get ramped up to the point where social services step in unfortunately, they are absolutely last resort

Write off the money and keep well away, she's bad news

not read all the answers , but maybe even controlling other half with the money ?

Definitely write it off as a bad experience and don't lend her money again x

I would agree to report it to the school, not to tell tales, but because there might be a concern with the kids. I'm sure the school will be able to raise it sensitively. Is there a designated parent liaison person? They might be your best bet, if so.

If you can do it in a non-risky way, just ask her if she can let you know when you'll be getting the £30 back. It might help / be more realistic to say that if she's struggling now, she could give it back later or £10 a week or whatever. She's maybe miscalculated badly and there's no more to it than that - and now she's just embarrassed that she can pay back so she's avoiding you.

It may be nothing, or there may be something concerning. But it's upsetting to you because obviously it's annoying to lose money and £30 is not like a quid for a pint of milk! And nobody likes to feel they've been taken advantage of.

As a teacher and safeguarding/LAC teacher I would say that the school need to know. No we're not Social Services but we are part of a wider team here for the children. If we knew something was wrong we would be doing all we could to help. Please let the pastoral or safeguarding team know so they can help the children. I'd rather error on the side of caution than find out later that little ones were suffering

She's unlikely to give it back but she's also unlikely to ever come near you again if she owes you money, so was it worth £30 to get rid of her?

I don't see how it has anything to do with the school. Did she tell the other person she couldn't afford food for the children? If she did I would report to Social Services and let them look into it. If there's nothing wrong, nothing will happen, better safe than sorry.

Maybe he's abusive and she just needed it to feed her kids?
You just don't know op.
I would ask her if she's ok personally.

Is she really rough?

It's either an abusive partner or addiction isn't it really 🤷🏻‍♀️

What are the children like?
Clean? Well dressed and smart?
What’s the house like outside?

If you go and ask you’ll see the inside of the house and get a general idea of what the home is like. From this you’ll probably get a better idea of what’s going on. If it’s clean, tidy and presentable my guess would be cf or abusive partner.
If kids are thin as rails you know there’s a genuine money issue. Have you ever seen her taking shopping in to the home?
If it stinks of weed or booze when you go over you know that is drink/ drugs problem.

I’d definitely go over and ask- just to satisfy your curiosity in case there is need for genuine concern.

Good luck xx

Go round to her house, knock on the house and ask for it back

Probably best to just let it go op. I personally wouldn't loan money to anybody ( kids or no kids) because I probably wouldn't get it back.

Lots of good words here already. I'd be tempted to ask her for it back, say its not a rush and when she is able will be O.K. It maybe that you just have to kiss it goodbye, but by offering her the hand of friendship she may open up to you about whats really going on for her, and you may be able to help her in some way, but beware she might bite the hand you offer, which is all about her, not you. Good luck.

In typical AIBU there are lots of replies to this thread - lots relating to the CF personality and the £££. They are worthy of chat and humour.

BUT

I urge the OP to pick out the handful of posts from those who clearly work in education who have extensive training in the safeguarding of children in our communities.

There's nothing to be sensationalist about. No drama. No blame. Just a clear and quick word or letter to the headteacher expressing neighbourly concern for the children involved.

If she's cheeky enough to ignore you I would not recommend talking to anyone else about her because I dare say you will get a right mouthful from her (despite her being in the wrong) and you will be persona non grata at the school if you make it official.

I doubt this is a drugs or gambling issue, she's probably just crap at managing her money. I also had a friend like this and you won't see that money again so write it off.

What I would do is approach her and say: hi I was wondering if you had the money you owe me? Smile and wait for a response.

If she gives you an excuse simply say: ok I hear what you're saying but I lent you that money in good faith. I'm on Mat leave, I really couldn't afford to lend you it and I only did so on the understanding you would pay it straight back. If you're not going to do that I will have to speak to your husband and ask him for it. I also won't be lending to you again.

I bet anything her husband knows nothing about her borrowing.

I think you should know that you have a reputation for this and had I have known this I wouldn't have entertained your request. You might want to think on that.

I would have already asked for it back. And if she feigned ignorance I'd ask again at the school gates in front of others.
So many people here would write it off? I couldn't afford to throw away any cash.

You are not going to get this money back.

The other parents are not going to get their money back.

Do not go round to her house. Do tell the school.

You sound like a lovely caring mum & she caught you off guard... using her children as leverage to pique your sympathy! I expect this is the last thing u want as you have to see her regularly , but the others are right £ 30 quid sounds like the right amount for drugs ...I mean if u and ur kids were really starving surely you'd look into a foodbank or maybe at worst borrow a couple of quid for some bread milk & soup or baked beans ! I think you'll have to write the money off ..although you could try catching her off guard on her doorstep, I'd go with your husband & see ! Also I agree with the others that mentioning it to the schools family services , as child neglect can be hard to spot but if the school gets several reports about certain children they can be more astute ! Apart from that I'd just keep your head down when you do have to pass her ! Unfortunately if it's some sort of addiction ,which it sounds like as she's hit up others and been aggressive when challenged , then she will be a desperate human being & won't feel the same levels of guilt or have the aame morals as the average person:( From now on the answer is NO ...be ready !! Actually thinking about it if you & your hubsand went to her door to ask for your money back although the odds of getting it are slim ...it will at least probably put her off targeting you again in the future !! So sad that you were being a good soul & now you're worrying and out of pocket , to that I would say Don't it's not worth it, you'll find it will be surprisingly easy to ignore her on future just be prepared & chalk it down to experience ......but don't let it stress you or stop you being the lovely kind and caring person you obviously are in future

I would assume I wasn't getting it back but I'd still ask her. CF indeed.

Have you asked for the money back yet op? This sounds like the sort of thing I’d do.

If someone stole £30 out of your purse, would you really just write it off?

Because that's what she's done.

I'm a right wuss, but I couldn't just let this go.

She didn’t steal it - the OP gave it to her. Right now the money is an overdue debt not theft.

Not that it makes any difference.

Sorry OP. Chalk it up but tell the school.