Mum at school - what would you do?

[Jakeyblueblue]

I've got two school age kids, one in reception and one in year 4. There's another mum who lives about 10 doors up. She has kids in other classes. I don't know her name, would say hello If I saw her but that would be as far as our relationship went.
Last week she knocked on my door after school and said she had no money to feed the kids, said she was going to get paid the following day and could she borrow 30 quid. It totally threw me, I thought she must be really desperate to ask someone she hardly knows, so handed over the money. She's yet to make any attempt to pay me back, she walks past my house up and down to school and I've seen her in the playground everyday and she has ignored me, not even said hi. I've since found out that she has done similar to another mum, borrowed 40 quid over two separate occasions, same reason, no attempt to pay back.
Part of me is really annoyed and Wants to just ask her for it back, but then If she has no intention of paying me back, she will just lie so what's the point?? I'm on mat leave and the money was actually out of my kids piggy bank, can't afford to give her 30 quid and my husband is fuming, just thinks she is bloody cheeky!
On the other hand, Another part of me thinks maybe I should ask her if she is ok, say I know she has asked others?? Is there a problem? Maybe she has issues with drugs, gambling, debt and I don't want to make matters worse for her or embarrass her?? I don't know why I feel so awkward about it all!
She has a husband who does sometimes pick up the kids, she also has one or two mums that I see her speaking to, should I say something to them??
What would you do??

Hi all!
So I was just getting ready to walk down to school and she walked past with husband. They were both smoking and laughing between themselves! I have to say the smoking really wound me up so I went out and told her that I needed the money back this week as it was middle sons birthday. She said she'd forgotten and would drop it in, she looked in no way remorseful or embarrassed and I got the impression she has no intention of paying back! Husband didn't look phased or surprised. They just carried on their way and by the time I'd got down to school, they had been in the shop and were drinking pop and eating crisps so she must have had some money on her when I asked!!!

She might have used a card to buy the pop but had no cash.

It does sound like she didn't intend to pay you. Go to her house later and say you wanted that save her a trip- you're there to collect your money.

Speak to the school, it’s not telling tales on another parent, it is a serious safeguarding issue if she has no food to give her kids.

I agree with telling the school from a safeguarding perspective, especially as it's happened before.

have to echo PP in that you need to grow a back bone and ask her directly for the money - horlix with the pacifiers who maybe give her leeway as she might be abused blah blah.

She's a CF - nobody with morals would approach anyone for money unless they were a CF. You probably won't get the cash back OP but at least don't be a total lemon and not even ask for it back

You don’t report someone to social services because they haven’t got enough money for one day and have asked to lend money ffs 😂 it’s one day

It's not one day, it's been 3 times in one month

Just want to echo what others have mentioned about it potentially being a DV / controlling relationship situation so best not to say anything to the husband. I'd talk with her, to find out what the problem is, let her know that you've heard she's had to borrow before - perhaps she will open up to you. If you talk with her you have more chance of getting your money back than by saying nothing and you may also be helping someone who really needs it. On the other hand, talking with her may reveal her to just be a nasty bitch in which case call her out to the other parents and make her every school run hopefully uncomfortable af.

It sounds as though she has been a CF. Regardless - it's nothing to do with the school. People do realise that loads of parents are very poor, and that lots of children don't get enough to eat? The government don't give a toss. The school doesn't have the power to change government policies on UC, etc. If she is genuinely in trouble, you will just be adding to the stress she's under.

@gill1960

I would tell the school and police and social services and the parents.

This is theft

This is NOT theft. The police cant do anything as the money was loaned. It is a civil matter at best.

I haven't read the full thread but please don't mention it to her husband, OP. I would speak to her privately and ask about the money. None of us knows her circumstances. I would also flag it up with the school as a potential safeguarding issue. She may be struggling, she may be a CF but until you speak to her you won't know either way.

Oh gosh that's tricky.
I think you might have to write it off

Ah posted before I saw your update. She definitely sounds like a cf now

Time to tell the school. If there is a school What’sApp board, you can let everyone know what they’re up to without naming them. That way noone’s going to fall for this shit.

You don’t report someone to social services because they haven’t got enough money for one day and have asked to lend money ffs

Knocking on a relative stranger's door to borrow money is not normal behaviour. It suggests desperation. Maybe even addiction or similar.

You should have told her to go to the food bank!

She’s is clearly a cf, at least you know that now, so don’t be a mug and give her any more money, you will be lucky to get this cash back

Please do tell school, but not on a school WhatsApp group. The point of telling school is to alert the head so if this is part of a larger picture the mum can be offered help. It's none of the other parents business. It's £30 not £300!

Send your DH round..give her til the weekend then send DH and say come for that money you owe us ,,I am not busy so I will wait here while you get it now thanks! And dont move til you have it.Horrible ,dreadful scummy shit she is ugh...We live n learn OP..your intentions were good hers sadly weren;t.Might be 30 quid well spent though to know what she is about.Really sorry you find yourself dealing with this though its horrible.

Send in reinforcements.Your dh should go round.If hes anything like mine,he wont budge till he gets it.

@dusrarr73 so you want your husband to go round and intimate and woman. He sounds like a great guy.

Get down to her house today if she hasn't give it back by school pick up time and demand it back. It's your money. Bring your Dh if you can't bring yourself to stand up to the bitch yourself.

And you don't need to give her a reason for wanting YOUR money back so no need to mention kids birthdays, etc.

I wouldn't back down. Keep asking. She's a cheeky cow.

And what if the woman's husband is bigger than Op,s husband dustarr?Maybe she forgotten and will.bring the money round or maybe she's just a CF,

I would ask her again today.

I would just ask for it back but at this stage of the month I m poor anyway.
Seeing them walk by laughing and smoking would have riled me too.
A packet of fags costs between £8.50 and a tenner these days.
If you cant feed your kids but can smoke you are making poor money choices which others shouldn't be paying for.
She s a CF. You dont know her well enough to even know her name!
I might borrow a tenner off a friend if in dire need and buy pasta and sauce, milk and bread and cheese etc. And obviously pay it back.
£30 or £40 quid is too much just to feed her kids for a few days.
Unless she s got about 8 kids of course.
(But then I m pretty assertive now I m over 50 ).