Mum at school - what would you do?

[Jakeyblueblue]

I've got two school age kids, one in reception and one in year 4. There's another mum who lives about 10 doors up. She has kids in other classes. I don't know her name, would say hello If I saw her but that would be as far as our relationship went.
Last week she knocked on my door after school and said she had no money to feed the kids, said she was going to get paid the following day and could she borrow 30 quid. It totally threw me, I thought she must be really desperate to ask someone she hardly knows, so handed over the money. She's yet to make any attempt to pay me back, she walks past my house up and down to school and I've seen her in the playground everyday and she has ignored me, not even said hi. I've since found out that she has done similar to another mum, borrowed 40 quid over two separate occasions, same reason, no attempt to pay back.
Part of me is really annoyed and Wants to just ask her for it back, but then If she has no intention of paying me back, she will just lie so what's the point?? I'm on mat leave and the money was actually out of my kids piggy bank, can't afford to give her 30 quid and my husband is fuming, just thinks she is bloody cheeky!
On the other hand, Another part of me thinks maybe I should ask her if she is ok, say I know she has asked others?? Is there a problem? Maybe she has issues with drugs, gambling, debt and I don't want to make matters worse for her or embarrass her?? I don't know why I feel so awkward about it all!
She has a husband who does sometimes pick up the kids, she also has one or two mums that I see her speaking to, should I say something to them??
What would you do??

I would ask her for it first and see what the reaction is. Be polite, she might just have forgotten though this seems doubtful. Depending on her behaviour at that point I would consider reporting it to the school. They probably already have the family on their radar but that is pretty erratic behaviour and I would want a child in that family to have some focus from those in charge of safeguarding.

Telling SS, the school, etc is very extreme and smacks of bullying. They won't be interested anyway. What is so terrible about asking her for the money?

Hi,
How are the kids? I’d be concerned about what is going on the home. Is the husband financially abusive? Is there a gambling or substance misuse issue.
There has got to be some kind of issue surely. I’d write off the money but I’d be reporting this to social services if I had any concerns about the kids. Let them do a few checks.

I would tell the school and police and social services and the parents.

This is theft
Wow, really?
Or the op could ask the person she lent it to.

Definitely tell the school asap. They will be building s profile of the family and this might just be a piece of a bigger picture that you can't see. Schools work closely with social services to make sure all kids are safe and well looked after. If she is genuinely short of cash the school can link her up with lots of support/ food banks etc.

I'd have found it difficult to say no ... especially as there would be the possibility that she was speaking the truth and her children would ho hungry ... but not sure I'd have given her £30. Maybe £10. Especially if she was being paid the next day.

I think youre8going to have to write the money off. But you know what to say next time.

Am I the only person who would have questioned why she needed £30 to feed her kids for one day (OP says she was supposed to be paid the following day)?

It’s been questioned throughout the thread Baileysmum220118

If it was me I would just leave it and never lend her money again but I would probably also let the school know what's happened and do they know if she has financial difficulties!

Telling the school, social services etc isn't about getting the money back, it's because there's a concern either of aditiction/ or that the Mum needs help because she can't afford to feed her kids. It's not a punishment.

I would've been suspicious about the amount, if it was just for one night £5 would've been enough? Just for the children? That makes me think it was potentially for something else. Did you speak to her today? Agree with pp speaking to her in front of everyone might not be the best way but you definitely need to say something. Don't write it off.

I would let it go but just never lend to her again but I would contact the school and ask is she having financial difficulties!

I don't understand why you didn't just say you have no cash in the house. You didn't, your child's piggy bank is not yours to lend out to strangers.

I'm not sure why people keep saying tell the school, until there's solid reason for a safeguarding concern, they can't do anything.

My husband and I are trying for baby number two. No luck for the past three months.

I was due on on Saturday and so tested on Saturday (as we came on holiday Saturday afternoon) and it was negative. I've still not come on my period so I am now five days late. I am spotting small pinkish bits today. Should I retest or am I wishful thinking?

Any advice would be helpful at this point!x

@shaundavey5

You're on the wrong thread, luv.

When did borrowing money and not paying it back equate to neglect and abuse and safeguarding issues?

Are the children malnourished? Neglected? Abused? Where does it say that? She asked for money to feed the children - this isn't the same as saying 'I don't feed my kids'.

Tell the school. Go to the police. Tell all the other parents what an abhorrent, drug using, child abusing mum she is.

Why not just string her up.

Yes - she could be:
a CF
an addict
neglectful parent
abusive parent

She could also be someone who's gotten themselves into a situation that has gotten out of hand and beyond a manageable tipping point and she's desperately robbing Peter to pay Paul.

Go to her house, remind her she borrowed money and hasn't paid it back, and ask if you could have it. If she doesn't have it, ask what can she give you now and when will she have the rest as you are not in a position to not have money that you were told would be repaid by 'x' date. Give her a chance to repay it.

If she doesn't, I'd go back to her house and ask if she has problems she needs help/support with and go from there.

Suggesting reporting someone to any authorities without valid reason or evidence is outrageous. We do all have a responsibility for safeguarding, but we also have a responsibility to not judge and condemn with very little evidence.

I can't believe people are saying 'don't ask for it back, just write it off'

WTF?

Would on earth would you not ask for it back? OK, you're probably not going to get it, but you have to at last ask.

Ask for it. Ask for it several times. It's your money. You're a complete stranger, and she has no right to your money.

And in future? A simple 'sorry I don't have any cash on me' will see you right.

@Mushypeasandchipstogo...report,report,report?? why? Effectively reporting self as being gullable soft touch target\victim. the school..wont care

Gathered, luv.

I’ve had mums do this, twice.

I did get the money back the first time, days after the CF neighbour I barely knew said I’d get it back. It was clear her dad had visited that day and given her the money to pay me. She’d asked me to get groceries for her as her child was ill. She had a husband so I didn’t understand why he couldn’t pick up dinner when he came in or on the way home and why she’d asked me. I took it as they had no money to eat - so helped out when put on the spot.

The day she knocked to pay me back, she asked for change, even though I’d given a receipt with only her groceries and the total spend on it. She couldn’t even be arsed to break the twenty down and rolled her eyes when I said I had no change. She then bitched about me to all the neighbours.

The second time, I asked a different mum I’d helped for the cash back, I was given the silent treatment. It came back months later in instalments.

Unless it’s someone I know well now, I’d literally say no and that I was skint.

But OP, blatantly ask her for the money back. These types sense who will confront them and who won’t. They’re smart in knowing a soft touch. I wouldn’t concern yourself with reporting it to school or authorities unless the kids are clearly in danger, or appear in trouble. Can of worms and busy bodying her children probably don’t need just because mum’s an outrageously brazen chancer!

In your situation I'd approach her, either in the playground when nobody else can hear or on her doorstep and ask for the money back. And if she didn't give it I'd rinse and repeat daily for at least a week before probably writing it off.
I did have a neighbour do this to me a few years back when all the kids were younger and we were on nodding terms as school mums. Turned up on my doorstep... could I lend her I can't remember how much because no money to feed them... whatever... I asked her to hang on a minute. Went to the kitchen. Put a 4 pack of baked beans, a loaf of bread and some cheese in a carrier bag, took it to the door and handed it to her. Told her I was broke as a broke thing but hoped that would tide them over until the next day. She did look a bit taken aback, and was muttering some sort of thanks when I said goodnight and shut the door.

I'd just ask for it back, even if you have to go out of your way to ask. She had no shame asking to borrow it so don't be made to feel awkward asking for it back. If you get a load of excuses as I suspect you will, I'd probably email the teacher and just say you have concerns for the children. She might well have debts/other issues and that's where the money has gone, but equally, there could be children going hungry. School might already know something is going on (they often do) they can help refer to other services if they need help, there'll be someone in charge of safeguarding at the school who will look into it.

Ask for it back

I've always got excuses on the lip for this type of thing - I always just naturally come out with an excuse . I'd have said.... "Sorry, I don't keep cash on me or in the house, maybe try someone else at the school". You wont get it back by the sounds of it and by asking I suspect youre just inviting trouble. I'd write it off and advoid her from now on.

It’s so important that the headteacher knows about this. It is absolutely a school issue because a) this woman is targeting members of the school community and b) this might be a very genuine cry for help and her children (as well as herself) are in a v.vulnerable situation. The school HAVE to look after those children and they can’t be expected to do that if important information is not shared. Please, please let the headteacher know.