Mum at school - what would you do?

[Jakeyblueblue]

I've got two school age kids, one in reception and one in year 4. There's another mum who lives about 10 doors up. She has kids in other classes. I don't know her name, would say hello If I saw her but that would be as far as our relationship went.
Last week she knocked on my door after school and said she had no money to feed the kids, said she was going to get paid the following day and could she borrow 30 quid. It totally threw me, I thought she must be really desperate to ask someone she hardly knows, so handed over the money. She's yet to make any attempt to pay me back, she walks past my house up and down to school and I've seen her in the playground everyday and she has ignored me, not even said hi. I've since found out that she has done similar to another mum, borrowed 40 quid over two separate occasions, same reason, no attempt to pay back.
Part of me is really annoyed and Wants to just ask her for it back, but then If she has no intention of paying me back, she will just lie so what's the point?? I'm on mat leave and the money was actually out of my kids piggy bank, can't afford to give her 30 quid and my husband is fuming, just thinks she is bloody cheeky!
On the other hand, Another part of me thinks maybe I should ask her if she is ok, say I know she has asked others?? Is there a problem? Maybe she has issues with drugs, gambling, debt and I don't want to make matters worse for her or embarrass her?? I don't know why I feel so awkward about it all!
She has a husband who does sometimes pick up the kids, she also has one or two mums that I see her speaking to, should I say something to them??
What would you do??

For future reference, never "lend" money and count on getting it back. If you have enough you can afford to give it as a gift, and not suffer yourself as a result, by all means, give it, but otherwise, don't do it. Sorry, OP, that doesn't help you now, I'm afraid that's the last you've seen of it, but you do need to go and ask her for it yourself before writing it off.

I'm with your husband, you should never have given money to a virtual stranger.
Write it off and learn from it

Blimey! I never have the cash on me just a card but I can imagine you were caught off guard and put on the spot.
It does signal some kind of addiction issue. Maybe ring school because they may have some other pertinent information, mainly for the safeguarding of her kids.
I'd be really annoyed about this too.

She might not have issues other than being a CF. Some people have bad priorities and a brass neck.
A school mum (who I do know quite well!) asked me to pay a bill for her with my card over the phone as there was a problem with her card. It was £150. She said she'd withdraw the money from her branch the next day and pay me back. No problem I said. The next day she said her bank wasn't open. The day after there was no mention of it, or the next. The third day she arrived at the school with bags of stuff, loudly telling people she was broke after redecorating her front room and started taking new curtains and cushions and throws out to show everyone. I went over and she was rolling her eyes complaining about the cost of it all, it had cost several hundred pounds. I was that she had the front to show me whilst she owed me money. The next day I said to her that I needed the money back as I was going to go short and her face was horrified, as if I had the audacity to ask her for it back. She brought it into school a few days later, but it taught me once bitten twice shy.

@JingsMahBucket and @summersherewishiwasnt have it exactly.

Working in a school, I have had parents complain when children have been sent out begging and borrowing on their parents behalf. The children were already on the radar and it was reported. There may be underlying issues but it would be hard for the school to record when it didn't involve the children directly.
I would definately be asking for tje money back.

Did you ask her OP?

Am absolutely amazed how many PPs suggested writing it off/tell school/tell her DP before even talking to her about it!

Agree she is likely to bluff and refuse but at least bring it up first before you go all subterfuge surely!!

I was asked by a mum years ago. And I gave her some. Silly me!

You need to let school know. She obviously needs help. Put the £30 down to experience, but don't lend again. Do report though, for her kids if nothing else.

She’s a hard face bugger isn’t she. You are virtual a stranger so I can imagine she’s shafted loads.
Direct her to a food bank next time.
£30 for food is a bit steep for a day.
You could challenge her - she can give you £10;a week if she’s struggling.

I would probably have handed over a pizza from my freezer and a tin of baked beans. Write the money off and learn from it.

I'd just knock and say you're sorry to chase just on your way to do your food shop and need the £30 - as you say, you're on mat leave and skint too, your kids need fed. If she says she doesn't have it then just say "okay, but I'm going to face bank overdraft fees now after I buy the food I need so could I have it back ASAP please"?

Just ask for it! She will probably claim to have forgotten to pay you back. If she hasn't got it, ask her when she will have it and go back then

I used to have a friend like this many years ago. She said that they had no food and were starving. I was unable to lend her some money because I didn't have any, but I offered her a loaf of bread and some baked beans etc which she refused. She then managed to borrow off somebody else and went to the pub and spent it all.

Noooooo
Just don't. Advise her the council will be able to help her. She won't leave you alone otherwise.

You were very polite by the sound of it.
You didn’t tell her she deserved to die of small-pox. To all the people who think you should have been politer, I doubt they’d think you should be politer if someone refused to disinfect their hands in a hospital or suggested people should throw their shit out of the window into the street.

Tell the headteacher.
Put it in a short written note and date it.

Don't make a fuss. Just be factual. If her children are at risk of anything at all, the Head will have other facts.
Even though this is a small part of your life, hungry kids is part of what could be a bigger picture in their lives.

Your neighbour could be a drug addict, an alcoholic, a victim of domestic abuse - or she could just be one hard-faced cow.
Unless you have absolute100% proof that she is anything other than a hard-faced cow, I really don't think you should be reporting her/the incident to anyone and you shouldn't discuss it with other mums that she knows - it could cause you loads of bother (accused of gossiping/bad mouthing etc).
The matter is between yourself and your neighbour, nobody else.

You have been very kind lending her money, so please don't feel embarrassed about asking for it back. She should be the one feeling awkward, certainly not you - all you've done is help her out.
Go and knock on her door, tell her you understand how things can slip someone's mind 😉 but you need your £30 back NOW. And as others have said, don't fall for her sob stories again.

Think of it this way, if nobody chases her for her 'debts' she's just going to keep borrowing off people. She'll think twice if she actually has to pay people back. Best of luck.

Late to this thread but honestly, I used to work in banking and see this all the time. Customer comes in saying how she can’t feed her kids and it’s all your fault that she doesn’t have enough money/ her card got declined. 9 times out of 10 I’d check the transactions on their accounts and it would be eating out/ clothes shopping etc. They can spend £20 on dominos pizza but complain they can’t buy nappies. It made me so angry.

Some people are just bad at adulting and managing their money.

Hope you get your cash back.

Hope you managed to ask for your money back, OP.

I couldn’t write this off either. I’m not sure you’ll see it again though.

I would tell the school and police and social services and the parents.

This is theft

The police won’t do anything.

Have you asked her for your money back OP?

Sounds like substance use to me

I think I would make one attempt to get the money back. I wouldn’t beat about the bush I would tell her you need it.

Be prepared to write it off though. I think if she wasn’t a CF she would be making some effort to let you know what is happening. You don’t knock on a randoms door and then forget about it.