Mum at school - what would you do?

[Jakeyblueblue]

I've got two school age kids, one in reception and one in year 4. There's another mum who lives about 10 doors up. She has kids in other classes. I don't know her name, would say hello If I saw her but that would be as far as our relationship went.
Last week she knocked on my door after school and said she had no money to feed the kids, said she was going to get paid the following day and could she borrow 30 quid. It totally threw me, I thought she must be really desperate to ask someone she hardly knows, so handed over the money. She's yet to make any attempt to pay me back, she walks past my house up and down to school and I've seen her in the playground everyday and she has ignored me, not even said hi. I've since found out that she has done similar to another mum, borrowed 40 quid over two separate occasions, same reason, no attempt to pay back.
Part of me is really annoyed and Wants to just ask her for it back, but then If she has no intention of paying me back, she will just lie so what's the point?? I'm on mat leave and the money was actually out of my kids piggy bank, can't afford to give her 30 quid and my husband is fuming, just thinks she is bloody cheeky!
On the other hand, Another part of me thinks maybe I should ask her if she is ok, say I know she has asked others?? Is there a problem? Maybe she has issues with drugs, gambling, debt and I don't want to make matters worse for her or embarrass her?? I don't know why I feel so awkward about it all!
She has a husband who does sometimes pick up the kids, she also has one or two mums that I see her speaking to, should I say something to them??
What would you do??

When you lend someone money, you should always write it off. I have been burnt by ‘lending’ so many times I just don’t do it anymore unless I have the money to give someone.

She is a CF but you did a good and kind thing.
You've had a go at getting it back. I'd be writing it off now, but not contributing to her upkeep any further.
Would be a good idea to mention to school. They're probably already aware of issues.

If you do mention to school fgs do it discreetly and not in a WhatsApp group! Anonymous or otherwise, that will just stoke up drama, as would sending the dh round.

Ha - sounds like my Dad’s wife. When they are low on cash, she starts “calling in favours”. Which basically means hassling people for money. She seems to think she is ‘owed’ by the entire world, and that we are all in possession of money trees. She doesn’t ask, she demands. She genuinely believes it’s her right, even though my Dad is a narcissistic abusive bastard, and I have been NC for a long time.

Oops. Seem to have gone off on a tangent there. My point was that some people genuinely believe this is normal behaviour, even without there being addiction / welfare issues. It’s a funny old world.

You are obviously a kind hearted person to lend the money in the first place. I would ask for the money back (accepting that you probably wont get it). Keep an eye out for this lady, she may be a CF or she could need some help. Sometimes the people that require the most help behave aggressively as they are embarrassed etc.
If she is just a CF then lesson learnt - a relatively cheap one that CFs don't pay their debts!!

Write it off and learn by it, she's never going to pay you back.

I always find it odd that the one who has to ask for their money back is made to feel like a the bad guy, so well done OP for asking for the money back.

When I was a teenager I found out three women where regularly going to my Nan's house on pension day and asking to borrow money to feed the kids, they never paid it back. After awhile she tried to offer them food but there was always some excuse why they needed cash, she even bought the kids Easter eggs one year and they asked if she could take them back to the shop and exchange them for cash then give them the money instead.

When I finally found out about it, I stood outside the post office on the day they went to collect their dole and demanded the money back, they fobbed me off but when I started announcing to everyone in the queue that they'd been taking advantage of a pensioner, they gave me some of the money that day to shut me up, they agreed to pay the rest in instalments but were warned if they skipped a week I'd be back to embarrass them again.

They stopped asking Nan for money after that but found a new victim to move on to soon enough.... I was a right gobby cow when I was younger, I wouldn't have the balls to do that now!!

*BlueChangeling" good for you!

@MutedUser

@MutedUser dont know what happened. My dp is not intimidating,he just doesnt suffer fools.No harm in that.Op is owed that money.If sending her dp round gets it,thats ok.@x2boys that doesnt mean anything.

I t hink you have to count that money as gone really. Ask for it back once, but then let it go. Clearly if she has no qualms begging from strangers she has bigger issues going on. Those poor kids.

For those who find it weird that someone would do this, knock on a stranger's door for money... I used to live in a 3rd storey condo so my front door was up 4 fliggts of stairs. Almost never had to deal with.cold callers, so when a knock came at tbe front door I would answer. One time it was a woman I had never seen before, who seemed really stressed. Said she lived in the building opposite and was desperate, needed $20 to go to the hospital to visit her daughter who was having chemo. Could I please lend her the money? She was sorry to ask a stranger, but she had seen me with the kids and I looked nice. Well, obviously I doubted I would get the money back, but it didn't occur to me to doubt the story because who would lie about a child with cancer? So I gave it to her. Next month she came back, I assumed to repay me. Nope, wanting more money. I told her sorry, my husband would be mad if I gave any more since we couldn't afford it. After that I stopped answering my door unless I expected someone. People are weird and will lie if they really want money.

Another time some guy in a supermarket car park came over to me and launched into a speech really fast, about how could he just have $10 for his daughters to take a bus, as their car had broken down in the car park and he couldn't afford to fix it, they lived 20 minutes drive away etc. He gestured to some girls looking miserable near the store entrance. I panicked a bit as I had no cash, and said "I don't have the money, but I can drive them. He started stalling... ah, but he wouldn't want to put me out. And hhe had a job interview to get to locally and wouldn't feel comfortsble with the girls travelling in a strangers car. At that point I said sorry I couldn't help tben and left. Sure enough a few weeks later he tried the same bullshit on me. I must just have gullible written on my face.

Remember that saying, (paraphrasing, here though) if you lend someone money and they never talk to you again, it was probably worth it.

she clearly knows an absolute doormat when she sees one.

Sorry, OP, but you sound like such a sap! Giving the money to her in the first place (WTF!!!) and then asking for it back in such a feeble manner.

I m 2o pages in do things might have changed from the first post - but I had a few neighbours like this - I was young in my 20’s and so were they - they knew not to ask for money - so they d ask for food for the kids. Because they d spent the food money. ( they were getting the same money as me each week )
One used to ask for two pieces of bread and a piece of ham. To give her child a sandwich ! It made my heart freeze.
I d tell them to send the kids round for tea but the parents could starve. I can stretch a dinner like a boss. Those kids would wolf their dinners down not a peep till they were finished - they were all smiles and thanks -
I understood their moms were depressed - but also CF as they spend money in the pub.
Never give anyone money who says they can’t feed their kids. Give good more make food.
If I could nt feed my children I would so appreciate someone cooking them a hot dinner.
I know I ve gone on, but it s just CF at its worse, using the kids as an excuse. 😡🙁

As usual, I'm first on the new thread to say something no one has thought of before.
I'd forget about the money and don't give anymore again.
I have a different situation: I sometimes send 40-60 quid to a friend who is off work. It is a gift, not lending, and i objected to their idea of ever paying it back to me. But this is a friend, not a random "poor unfortunate" and they have been very generous in all possible ways towards me in the past. I'd never pay it back to them.

@BloodyDisgrace have you read the thread many many people have e suggested that the OP should just forget it and learn the hard lesson of not loaning money to people .

Why give £30 for one meal if she was getting paid the next day. Sorry you should have given her £5 tops for bread and baked beans. Ask her for it back, say you need it and say no next time.

I actually said that on the first page @BloodyDisgrace ,third post ,but yeah cancel the cheque etc

OP, I haven't read every post above but just wanted to say it was really kind of you to give this mum some money. You obviously have a really good heart. Whatever you decide to do about asking for the money back, perhaps you could point her in the direction of any local food banks. She could be a CF, she could also be desperate and ultimately it's her poor kids who are likely to end up suffering. But good for you for being a kind soul - the world needs more like you.

I wouldn't have £30 to spare so she wouldn't have been able to borrow from me. I might have offered her pasta / tins or redirected her to the Food bank. Sadly she sounds like a CF and you are unlikely to get it back, especially if she makes poor choices. I'd definitely mention it to school as they would be able to arrange for the kids to get free school meals if they are entitled or it might just curb her requests if they are not.

I had a Mum do this to me. Years later, I learnt that her husband was an abusive alcoholic. She was a SAHM and if he spent his wages on booze and she asked him for money, for example, to buy food for the kids, he would hit her. Hence her desperate requests to other Mums. I moved away from the area, but have heard that she did eventually manage to leave him.

If you think she really is struggling in some way to feed the kids then let social services know what she is doing.
If she's not struggling she's getting money under false pretences, and if she isn't returning it it amounts to stealing so if you get wind of her doing it to someone else I would send out a warning to others (carefully though, if she is an unstable character it could backfire).
If you were desperate for your money back then I would just ask her straight politely and assertively and not pussy foot about. You'll prob soon tell if she has any intention of giving it back. If she hasn't you'll have to write it off, there's no point continuing it.

Smoking? So there is an addiction at play. I can't believe how gullible so many people on here are. Never a borrower, nor a lender be. If someone's in dire straights then offer them food.

Sorry but what the heck is a CF? I hate all these abbreviations...DH, DS.

Go somewhere else then.