Mum at school - what would you do?

[Jakeyblueblue]

I've got two school age kids, one in reception and one in year 4. There's another mum who lives about 10 doors up. She has kids in other classes. I don't know her name, would say hello If I saw her but that would be as far as our relationship went.
Last week she knocked on my door after school and said she had no money to feed the kids, said she was going to get paid the following day and could she borrow 30 quid. It totally threw me, I thought she must be really desperate to ask someone she hardly knows, so handed over the money. She's yet to make any attempt to pay me back, she walks past my house up and down to school and I've seen her in the playground everyday and she has ignored me, not even said hi. I've since found out that she has done similar to another mum, borrowed 40 quid over two separate occasions, same reason, no attempt to pay back.
Part of me is really annoyed and Wants to just ask her for it back, but then If she has no intention of paying me back, she will just lie so what's the point?? I'm on mat leave and the money was actually out of my kids piggy bank, can't afford to give her 30 quid and my husband is fuming, just thinks she is bloody cheeky!
On the other hand, Another part of me thinks maybe I should ask her if she is ok, say I know she has asked others?? Is there a problem? Maybe she has issues with drugs, gambling, debt and I don't want to make matters worse for her or embarrass her?? I don't know why I feel so awkward about it all!
She has a husband who does sometimes pick up the kids, she also has one or two mums that I see her speaking to, should I say something to them??
What would you do??

Schools aren’t a one-stop social service. It isn’t their job to mediate between you and people you lend money to. It isn’t their job to make comment on a parent being skint. If you think children are neglected, call social services: it’s their job.

Obviously wasn't for food. Most likely to pay someone else a debt she owed.

I'd definitely mention it to her though but accept you'll never see the money again but that isn't a reason not to ask her. You've done the honourable thing by thinking you were feeding her kids, you've no relationship to ruin and you've no reason at all to feel you aren't entitled to it back. It more or less amounts to theft through fraud.

You should never lend what you cannot afford to lose

I think you will have to write it off now.

Obviously the money wasnt for food. First of all you can get a meal for adults and kids for £5, easy. Also if it was for food, Why would she ask for such a specific amount? Surely she would say "could I borrow some money for food?" and not a specified amount

I had a mum from ds school who I was friends with text me one morning asking to borrow £300 for two weeks, she was going on holiday & her ex had frozen her bank account, she promised to repay it as soon as she came back, I said I couldnt afford it as I was on benefits, my partner told me to not lend her anything but she kept on texting me, I ended up lending her the money. When she came back off holiday she gave me an envelope with £150 in cash & a cheque for £150 which she asked me to not pay in the bank till the next week. The next week I paid the cheque in at the bank, went to check my balance 5 days later & the cheque had bounced, both me & my partner were very angry & went to where she was living to ask for the money, she had moved out & we were told she was now living with a man somewhere else. I never got the money back & a couple of years ago I saw in the local paper that she had been sent to prison for 30 months for stealing £48000 from her son's trust fund from when his dad committed suicide when he was young.

Please do speak to the school. I am a safeguarding lead and would want to know this. It may be a piece of the jigsaw puzzle that leads to her and her kids getting vital help. You just don't know what is going on but it sounds odd.

Write it off? I don't think so. She's a cf. I'd just walk up to her at school and ask for it. Say you're really hard up at the minute.

I must admit I would have given the money too. If she was someone I seen everyday and would think the same as you that she was desperate. So don’t beat yourself up you weren’t to know she had history doing this. I wouldn’t tell the school you loaned her money but if your concerned for the kids welfare I would phone SS.

I would never give money. If she says she can’t feed her children I would have given her some basic supplies, pasta, tinned tomatoes etc to feed them

All you can do is ask for it back. I would personally raise it with the school, someone that is claiming to have 'no money' to feed their children will need support either way.

Why £30? I could feed a family of 4 from the co op for £5.

I'd ask for it back, you've nothing to lose by trying and it is your money.

I'm also not as kind as you and wouldn't have given her the money in the first place, you aren't friends, you don't even know her name so a firm 'sorry, I don't have £30 to give you' would have been my response.

Next time give her a packet of pasta and a tin of tomatoes.

Pop a note through her letterbox I say. If she ignores that then knock on the door and ask for it face to face. If she then fobs you off, tell other parents not to lend to her and write the money off. Consequences of being a cheeky shyte I'm afraid.

I don’t think it was for food either. I actually did have someone (almost a stranger; she lived down my street but I’d never said more than hi to her) knock on the door of my flat about 20 years ago, telling me she couldn’t feed her kids. She was clearly upset and asked if I could ‘lend’ her some bread and a tin of beans so she could give her kids beans on toast. Very different from asking for £30 Also when I saw her again she stopped me and said thank you and that ‘things were sorted out now’ and she was embarrassed to have asked.

I suspect addiction or a debt to a loan shark and you won’t see your money again. I’m not going to judge the woman because god knows how she got into whatever situation she’s in, but don’t give her any more money.

My God, don't go and ask her when her dh is there, you have no idea what kind of relationship they have, or why she was really asking for the money in the first place.

Write it off, tell the school

Not the ops concern, she didn’t pay the money back and all actions have consequences.

I think I'd try and catch her on her own on the way back from dropping children at school and smile and ask if she wants to come in for a cuppa.If she takes you up on the offer I'd be polite and chat and bring up the money. Maybe she needs a friend and is having problems.
If she refuses/blanks you then I'd probably have a word with the school and voice my concerns about the family.
My gut says she will blank you.

I would have given her food rather than cash. Or £10 max to buy some food to get them through the next few days.
I'd write the money off and steer clear.
And if I were your DH, I think I'd be pissed off at you, for giving a stranger money out of the DC's money box (I presume you'll be reimbursing the kids).

Send your DH to her door for the money.

Id have given food for the children.

Go round and say you need it back
It cane out of the childrens piggy banks. You didnt even have it to lend. It was your childrens koney.

Go round and ask for it face to face. I would actually record the conversation because I doubt she would deny owning it if caught on the hop. But then I'm sneaky (and don't trust people)

I think I would knock on her door in the daytime and say, "Hi! I'm just here for that 30 quid!" No messing. Just rip the plaster off. Take it from there.

@EileenAlanna why on earth would she need her DH to ask for the money back? Woman are capable of talking . We are not all feeble needing big strong men to fight our battles.

Really? You took money out of your kids piggy bank to give it to some random woman?