Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum at school - what would you do?

289 replies

Jakeyblueblue · 17/09/2019 19:20

I've got two school age kids, one in reception and one in year 4. There's another mum who lives about 10 doors up. She has kids in other classes. I don't know her name, would say hello If I saw her but that would be as far as our relationship went.
Last week she knocked on my door after school and said she had no money to feed the kids, said she was going to get paid the following day and could she borrow 30 quid. It totally threw me, I thought she must be really desperate to ask someone she hardly knows, so handed over the money. She's yet to make any attempt to pay me back, she walks past my house up and down to school and I've seen her in the playground everyday and she has ignored me, not even said hi. I've since found out that she has done similar to another mum, borrowed 40 quid over two separate occasions, same reason, no attempt to pay back.
Part of me is really annoyed and Wants to just ask her for it back, but then If she has no intention of paying me back, she will just lie so what's the point?? I'm on mat leave and the money was actually out of my kids piggy bank, can't afford to give her 30 quid and my husband is fuming, just thinks she is bloody cheeky!
On the other hand, Another part of me thinks maybe I should ask her if she is ok, say I know she has asked others?? Is there a problem? Maybe she has issues with drugs, gambling, debt and I don't want to make matters worse for her or embarrass her?? I don't know why I feel so awkward about it all!
She has a husband who does sometimes pick up the kids, she also has one or two mums that I see her speaking to, should I say something to them??
What would you do??

OP posts:
Monday55 · 17/09/2019 22:55

You need to ask for it back at least once, she might be hoping you'll forget but still willing to pay it back if asked.

ChickenyChick · 17/09/2019 22:57

Just ask for it back sillybillie

cantkeepawayforever · 17/09/2019 23:00

To those saying 'Don't tell the school', can i just explain? Schools are, in general, people's most accessible route into the safeguarding system - and the Designated Safeguarding Lead in school will be someone in regular contact with relevant authorities to pass on and collate the little bits of information that can indicate abuse / neglect.

So it's not that 'the teacher will mediate between the OP and her neighbour' - it is that the school may have other pieces of a jigsaw, and contacts with the right people who may hold yet further pieces, to rule out (or rule in) the possibility of safeguarding issues that could be leading to current or future neglect or abuse of the children.

cantkeepawayforever · 17/09/2019 23:02

So if the mum needed the money for drink, drugs, a partner who is threatening DV or who is abusing her through coercive control, loan sharks etc - this piece of information about money can be added to what the children talk about, their physical state etc etc to judge whether there is a need for relevant authorities to get involved.

FamilyOfAliens · 17/09/2019 23:14

Don't you think they have enough to do, teaching your children and also acting as a Police, Social Service, Relate outpost?

I’m really surprised some people seem unaware that schools have to have at least two designated safeguarding leads, who are trained to take the right action when they are made aware of concerns about a child or their family.

Unless a family is already known to social services, schools are likely to have far more information than social services and this extra piece of the puzzle may be what triggers a referral for support or other action to help the family.

Safeguarding is everybody’s business.

FamilyOfAliens · 17/09/2019 23:15

Whoops, x-post Blush

howyoulikemenow · 17/09/2019 23:27

I would leave it, but I'd make sure others know about it in a low key as possible way so that she doesnt try to make a mug of anyone else.

Ginger1982 · 17/09/2019 23:31

I'm amazed at all the folk saying to just write it off. No way!! £3 maybe but not £30! Absolutely ask her for it back! Don't be a wet blanket.

BenevolentEzza · 17/09/2019 23:54

Knock on her door, ask her for the money back that you loaned her and go from there.

She'll most likely not have it, or promise it for a weeks time BUT at least then she will know not to ask you again as you actually have the audacity to ask for it back.

The other parent who she's scammed should ALSO ask for her money back. She won't get it either and this person will most likely go on and ask others for cash in the near future but at least you and the other parent won't have to raid your own children's piggy bank again.

Seriously, go over there and make it known to her that she needs to pay the money back. Do it as soon as is practical.

Nat6999 · 18/09/2019 00:02

Dongdingdong she was a compulsive liar, she accused her ex of raping her & beating her up, he was held on remand for nearly 6 months before being found not guilty, I had known him for over 30 years & never believed he had done what she accused him of but at the time thought that you never know what goes on behind closed doors. She had told all the mums at school she was a dentist but was off sick because she had got cancer, she had 3 children, her son who she stole off, her daughters who were fairly close in age to my ds, she spent half her time having her daughters investigated for some "blood disease" Put her youngest daughter through therapy because of supposed abuse by her ex. She has been out of prison since early this year & has tried to contact me through my ds, she is now very firmly blocked & is staying that way.

HappyBumbleBee · 18/09/2019 00:26

She was bold and cheeky enough to waltz up and knock on your door asking for money - get up that road and knock on her door and ask for it back. Preferably early evening when your hubby's are home 😉
Whether you get it back or not, lesson learned and never fall for it again x
Good luck x

HiJenny35 · 18/09/2019 00:46

I can't believe people saying the school wouldn't be interested. Schools all have safeguarding training once year and clear safeguarding leads. We are all aware of our responsibility and we are legally responsible if we don't take safeguarding leads seriously. We have protocols and systems in place to both record and pass on to social services. No the school won't get your £30 back but they will make sure the kids are being fed and watch for other examples of neglect or drug/alcohol/domestic abuse. Please inform the school but yes I'd also forget about seeing the £30 again.

summersherewishiwasnt · 18/09/2019 00:59

I can’t beleive people saying leave it. Ffs ask at least once. That’s why she gets away with it with other mums, nobody asks for the money back!

JingsMahBucket · 18/09/2019 05:14

So many doormats on this thread telling the OP to write off the money. How do people manage their daily lives if they’re this afraid of barely speaking up for themselves?

proseccoaficionado · 18/09/2019 05:17

I'd normally say to write it off, but as you said yourself you're on mat leave you can't. Don't be ashamed to try to get it back, it's YOUR money. I can see why you've given her the cash, unfortunately I would've done the same.

I'm also surprised at £30 for dinner. Something might be going on but I don't think you should get involved.

CookieDoughKid · 18/09/2019 06:48

Next time point her to the nearest food bank. And give her a number for xxxx social services (sorry I don't know which one exactly). You're not going to get it back but as you have to live near her I'd let it go for peace sake.

CookieDoughKid · 18/09/2019 06:50

As £30 is needed then ask for it back but knowing full well you might have to get heavy for a penny back. This woman has no graciousness or honesty about her.

ASauvignonADay · 18/09/2019 07:03

I agree with write it off and tell the school. Who knows what is going on - she could juts be totally skint and struggling (and you get caught in a cycle of borrowing and paying back so you never get out, maybe she knows she can't afford to pay back?) or some kind of addiction

Catapillarsruletheworld · 18/09/2019 07:11

I’d knock on her door and just say, I’m really hard up this week and could really do with the money leant you back. I’m sure you’ve just been busy, so haven’t got round to giving it to me yet.

If she ever says she can’t feed her kids again and can she borrow money to feed them, just give her a tin of beans and some bread. I wouldn’t want to risk hungry kids, but I’d never lend her money again.

Lookingsparkly · 18/09/2019 07:13

I’m a designated safeguarding lead teacher. I would note your concern but tell you to phone the Local authority's safeguarding line. Anyone can phone them. Yes safeguarding IS everyone’s responsibility. That means that it’s not just school and health and social care professionals who can raise concerns. It’s entirely possible that the LA team would then contact the school but they will have access to social work, police, education and health concerns that may also have been logged.

bert3400 · 18/09/2019 07:23

1.I really don't understand why people are saying write it of, when she hasn't even made an attempt to ask for it back .

  1. Not a school issue - they have enough to deal with without now becoming a debt collecting agency
Aragog · 18/09/2019 07:31

Bert- telling school is nothing to do with getting the money back. It's the safeguarding side, and something schools will and do deal with regularly as part of their day to day job.

Yabbers · 18/09/2019 08:27

I'm on mat leave and the money was actually out of my kids piggy bank, can't afford to give her 30 quid and my husband is fuming

Why would you give it if you couldn’t afford it?

bunintheoven88 · 18/09/2019 08:41

Why do people keep saying send the husband round? This isn't the 1950's, I'm sure OP is capable of asking for it herself.

NameChange84 · 18/09/2019 08:46

I'd turn up and knock on her door. I'd probably take DH as a witness too.

"Hi you said you'd pay me back that £30 I loaned to you when you were caught short but you haven't yet. I'm only on Maternity pay myself so we are struggling too and I had to take that money out of my child's birthday money. My child now needs that money this weekend. I've come round to collect the money you owe us."

If she says she doesn't have it, say that she needs to at least pay you part of it back there and then so you know she's not just taken advantage of your kindness. Say you expect the rest by the weekend.

If she pleads poverty say "I completely understand. I'm struggling for money to which is why I had to give you my child's birthday money and which is why I've also turned up on your doorstep like you did on mine to get the money you owe me back. It was a LOAN not a gift and you do have to pay me back."

If she's still fancying about then you should say that you are aware she has done this to another parent and not paid her back either and that for safeguarding reasons you will be going straight home and alerting the DSL at the school. You wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt but you feel she's deliberately exploited your kindness.

Also alert the DSL anyway. Her behaviour is worrying and could indicate risk to the children.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread