Mum at school - what would you do?

[Jakeyblueblue]

I've got two school age kids, one in reception and one in year 4. There's another mum who lives about 10 doors up. She has kids in other classes. I don't know her name, would say hello If I saw her but that would be as far as our relationship went.
Last week she knocked on my door after school and said she had no money to feed the kids, said she was going to get paid the following day and could she borrow 30 quid. It totally threw me, I thought she must be really desperate to ask someone she hardly knows, so handed over the money. She's yet to make any attempt to pay me back, she walks past my house up and down to school and I've seen her in the playground everyday and she has ignored me, not even said hi. I've since found out that she has done similar to another mum, borrowed 40 quid over two separate occasions, same reason, no attempt to pay back.
Part of me is really annoyed and Wants to just ask her for it back, but then If she has no intention of paying me back, she will just lie so what's the point?? I'm on mat leave and the money was actually out of my kids piggy bank, can't afford to give her 30 quid and my husband is fuming, just thinks she is bloody cheeky!
On the other hand, Another part of me thinks maybe I should ask her if she is ok, say I know she has asked others?? Is there a problem? Maybe she has issues with drugs, gambling, debt and I don't want to make matters worse for her or embarrass her?? I don't know why I feel so awkward about it all!
She has a husband who does sometimes pick up the kids, she also has one or two mums that I see her speaking to, should I say something to them??
What would you do??

I understand the Op was trying to do something kind, to help someone out to feed their children (although that was probably a lie) but there's no way I would lend someone money out of my kids piggyback and then write it off! As others have said it may bbe she's got away with doing this to others as they haven't had the balls to confront her and ask for it back. No apology or explanation, no rudeness or aggression, just say you need the money back that you lent her.

I haven't read the full thread but when this happened to me with a local dad (who needed it to 'pay the gas, don't tell my wife, she'll be so embarrassed') it turned out that he was a heroin addict.

Sorry, I've not RTFT but I'm with Goodlookingcreature on this - pop round on her "payday" and say that you thought she meant last week, but no probs, you're here now. If she tries to wiggle out of it, mention that others have said she "borrowed" from them too, and is there anything going on that she needs help with. I probably wouldn't speak to the husband, just in case there's a problem there, but I would confront her.

Ignore the advice of @Goodlookingcreature for starters.

I would assume that the money has gone and consider it a lesson learnt, if you can’t afford to lose it don’t lend it.

As there is a pattern of this behaviour I would notify the school, who knows what is going on but she and her children might be in real financial trouble and in desperate need of help.

Silly advice to tell her you are hard up this week so need it back. You do not have to justify wanting back money you lent her.

The posts basically advocating threatening her are frankly horrific. You either have concerns or you don’t. If you don’t then it’s a pointless threat, if you do then report. This isn’t something you use to intimidate. Wow.

I would ask her for it, but not expect it back. If she doesn't repay you, I would just not speak to her again

I would speak to the school as others have mentioned, it’s a safeguarding issue and they will be able to speak to the correct persons to become involved. Not being able to feed your children is worrying especially as this isn’t the first time it’s happened.

You should contact social services about her saying can't feed children and the approaches for money. School will only pass on as really not their remit to sort out. Would leave it, take ut as a lesson, don't learn money to those you know nothing about.

I'd knock and ask for it.regardless of her circumstances,are not an excuse to treat others like shite

I'd either ask her or her husband, if you could get the £30 back by the end of the week because you really need it.

Also a valuable lesson, if she was really so skint and she just needed tea for the kids until she got paid tomorrow she'd have asked for £5-£10, £30 is a huge amount for one nights tea. I'd have just offered a box of fish fingers from the freezer.

I'm in the same position as you and can't afford to borrow money. Id knock on her door and ask her for it back and keep asking until she returned it. I'd love to be one of those people who could afford to write it off but this is the real world.

I understand your dilemma it's embarrassing, but she should be embarrassed NOT YOU. Was she embarrassed asking you for the money? Ask her for it, but I wouldn't expect it.

You are a grown up
Knock on the door
Ask for the money
Don't go in or listen to any bull
Walk away
You have your own family to deal with and whatever her reasons (assumptions of domestic violence ?!) She has to sort her own life out
She may just be a chancer and saw you as the soft touch
Next it will be can you look after her kids and always something else
Don't get involved as being the martyr you will get burned and well meaning amateurs do not help people who need professional guidance
Its £30
Walk away

A bit like beggars on the street, I prefer to be altruistic and give them food rather than money, same with this one, a few potatoes for baking, cheese, milk etc. I'd casually ask her when she could pay you back please...when partner there preferably, very politely with a smile but mentally write it off. If she was really up against it, I'm sure she'd be desperate to pay you back, it's a pride thing.

I had a similar issue with a school mum. The next time I gave her stuff out my cupboard that I had in and she wasnt happy so proved she just wanted the money. Saw her in the pub drunk plenty times so she obviously wanted a night out.

When I was little in the 60’s/early 70’’s this was a thing one neighbour would knock or send one of her three kids knocking round the neighbours to borrow a cup of sugar, a pint of milk, some black shoe polish, a couple of quid etc. She must have done them all on rotation and I don’t think she ever gave anything back. Nobody was particularly well off but I think the other mums felt a bit sorry for the kids and thought they had no money so all helped her/them out. The local shop was 30 yards away from our house too.
Anyway one day their house was up for sale and they were moving to a great big house and sure enough they did. She never spoke to any of the neighbours again and looked down her nose at them as did her kids.
I think in this scenario the mum is either a poor budgeter, a gambler, or has a drugs addiction.
I would try once to ask for the money back maybe do it in front of the mums she talks to at school. Don’t lend her any more money and don’t speak to the school. But definitely don’t lend her anymore money. Maybe quietly and genuinely tell the other mums not to lend her any money if they want to see it back.

I hardly ever have cash in the house but because we live miles from the nearest shop I'm always well stocked with store cupboard type ingredients - I wonder how she'd have reacted to being offered a bag of pasta, and jar of pasta sauce base (would she prefer pasata with basil or pesto?) for tea and a loaf of bread for the morning (I usually have two emergency loaves in the freezer - could offer a pack of frozen butter too)?

Never lend money you expect back.

I would probably write the money off as a lesson learned but if you need the money then there is absolutely NO need to be worried about asking - just ask her in private first, maybe alone in the playground. She may try to avoid you but walk up to her and ask her for that £30 back. Then if she doesn't give it to you, wait a week (or less!) and ask her in front of everyone in the playground. She is a cheeky fucker.

£30 to feed her children when she's getting paid the next day - blimey what was she feeding them??

Ask for it back and make sure you speak to the schools safeguarding lead as if she really has no food for the children they should want to know so they can help/keep an eye in the childrens welfare.

I'd alert the school as there maybe a reason she's always skint & her children might be suffering. If you can't afford to write it off, she's counting on you not asking, so call her bluff & ask, repeatedly. (I had a friend like that, she'd borrow money then tell me re her immediate spending spree so I started asking for it back & she stopped, after being very gobsmacked: shed got used to me being a pushover ).

I would speak to the school. All school age children are officially under the watchful eye of a school nurse, though one nurse may cover a number of schools and not be physically present.if you have concerns about the welfare of these kids because their mum is saying she can't feed them, the person to evaluate the situation and decide about whether to refer to social services is the school nurse.

I would knock and ask for the cash back, to be honest, I would never lend money in the first place but see if you can get it back.

Does your child know any of her kids names?
Have you spoken to the other parents at school to make others aware of what she has done.. so they dont get caught out .
£30 is a lot for anyone to loose especially as you gave it in good faith of getting it back the next day. but if she is avoiding you instead of coming up and giving you an excuse as to why why she cant pay it back...looks as if she had NO intention of doing so.