Mum at school - what would you do?

[Jakeyblueblue]

I've got two school age kids, one in reception and one in year 4. There's another mum who lives about 10 doors up. She has kids in other classes. I don't know her name, would say hello If I saw her but that would be as far as our relationship went.
Last week she knocked on my door after school and said she had no money to feed the kids, said she was going to get paid the following day and could she borrow 30 quid. It totally threw me, I thought she must be really desperate to ask someone she hardly knows, so handed over the money. She's yet to make any attempt to pay me back, she walks past my house up and down to school and I've seen her in the playground everyday and she has ignored me, not even said hi. I've since found out that she has done similar to another mum, borrowed 40 quid over two separate occasions, same reason, no attempt to pay back.
Part of me is really annoyed and Wants to just ask her for it back, but then If she has no intention of paying me back, she will just lie so what's the point?? I'm on mat leave and the money was actually out of my kids piggy bank, can't afford to give her 30 quid and my husband is fuming, just thinks she is bloody cheeky!
On the other hand, Another part of me thinks maybe I should ask her if she is ok, say I know she has asked others?? Is there a problem? Maybe she has issues with drugs, gambling, debt and I don't want to make matters worse for her or embarrass her?? I don't know why I feel so awkward about it all!
She has a husband who does sometimes pick up the kids, she also has one or two mums that I see her speaking to, should I say something to them??
What would you do??

I'm another one who thinks you should tread carefully. If she has an abusive partner, it might be him who owes loan sharks or drug dealers, but he sends her out to beg for it. But it's worth at least approaching her and asking her to pay you back a a first move.

This is really sad. I hope whatever is going on the kids are ok. If she is genuinely struggling to feed her children then there are services to help her.

I would definitely flag a concern with the school. She might have an addiction, or an abusive partner? This might be part of a bigger picture.

I would not be writing it off, yes she maybe in an abusive relationship, or she may not be and just a fucking scammer.

Since you know you are not the first, you certainly will not be the last and you don't know who else she is "borrowing" off.

I wouldn't approach the husband and the school are not going to do anything either. I would go up to her and say, I am on a strict budget and you not paying me back when you said has left me in hole, can I have my money back now.

If you wanted to be really mean, you could do it in the playground infront of her friends.

I'd knock on her door ... don't go alone ... and tell her you would like the £30 you lent her in her 'emergency' back now as you need it.

Do tell her you'll be having a chat with the school if it's not forthcoming, as you've heard she's also done it to other parents. And I would also suggest I'd be contacting SS if she can't feed her kids and can't pay money back that she took under false pretenses, ie, no real intent to pay it back.

So you haven't even asked and would be willing to write it off because ..why? Ask. Then ask again. Remind to bring the cash next day. Knock on her door.

I had this years ago as a single mum

A mate asked if I could lend her £20 so she could feed her kids for about 3 days til her husband got paid

I scraped it together and gave her my last £20

She went straight to the shop-spent the whole lot on lager and I never saw my money again

I think it's a red flag that she needed £30 for one meal.

I'd mention it to school pastoral care/safeguarding. Explain you realise you probably won't receive money (and have since found out she's done it to others) but say that you're concerned because it's a lot for 1 meal and eventually she may run out of people willing to help and may turn to other sources. And that'll end her up in more financial woes.

No-one needs £30 to feed their children for one day until they get paid. Why didn't you offer her £5 if you thought she was genuinely desperate?

I wonder what she’d do if you knocked on her door and told her, you have no money and need the £30 back right now so you can get some food in.
Tit for tat.
Others need to know too imo. This is outrageous behaviour!

Probably best to write it off if you can afford to.If she asks again say youre sorry but you dont have any more cash to give and leave it at that .Some people just cant seem to manage their money ,and always seem to be "short" somehow!

I'd ask for it back. It's the right thing to do before any reporting to anyone. Ask her and see what she says. Should you have to. No. Most of us would pay it back ASAP but then most people wouldn't ask a stranger for £30 either.

I have a feeling that if she asked for it back, even said to feed her own starving children, the woman would say she didn't have it, or she's waiting to be paid, or she'll pay it next week etc etc.

I'd write it off otherwise risk getting into an aggressive situation, yelling in the streets in front of the kids etc.

If this happens to me I'm definitely going to dig into the freezer and cupboards. I rarely have cash in the house either tbh.

I would write it off. Either she is mortified and in too deep and cant pay you back. Or she is a CF either way money probably isn't coming back.

I would rather be kind to a CF in error than not help someone in genuine need. You did a nice thing. If she has taken advantage that is on her.

Wouldn't lend her anything again though.

I don't understand why you just don't ask for it back?
I'd be asking every single day and would probably ask in front of other parents on the playground if she was using excuses! What a CF

Really? You took money out of your kids piggy bank to give it to some random woman?
This fgs.
I’d write it off but don’t be such a sap again. She saw you coming, no wonder your dh is fuming.

@seaweedandmarchingbands

There are children involved. This woman could be borrowing money to fund a drug/drink problem. If this is the case her children's welfare could be at risk. The school may already suspect that something isnt wrong and if the OP voices a concern then it might give them enough evidence to approach SS and begin a proper investigation.

Tell every parent you see in the playground get the other mum to join you.
It works I've done it as was quite skint and needed the money, it took her a while but if someone asked in the playground I'd just answer in a loud voice that I hadn't been paid back.
She was ostracized, and had no friends after this. I'd help anyone out but I'm no mug.

Personally, I would be fuming. £30 is a lot of money (for me anyway) and I don't spend much more then that a week to buy food for my own family.
I would absolutely be knocking on her door. I doubt you will get it back, but to not even ask? She would be making a fool of you. I would ask her DH as well.
My bet would be that she borrowed money from you to pay somebody else back.
I made it a personal policy not to lend money out a couple of years ago. Make it your own personal rule and you will find it easier to say no if caught on the hop again.

Tell everyone??? Are you serious? jesus that is unkind.

Listen - whatever the situation - it's not a nice one. Either it's true and now she is mortified. or she is a drug user and her kids are suffering - or her DP is controlling. Or she has other financial problems.

Whatever it is - you did a kind thing and forget the money now.

The people saying don't tell the school - it's not because the OP needs thirty quid that she is asking the school to 'mediate' for gods sake. It's because there are children in that school who are living in what is obviously a fragile environment - and other than family, the other caring adults in the childs life are at school.

What is wrong with people nowadays - just getting riled up without thinking carefully and compassionately about the children in this situation.

It's clearly a safeguarding issue and given what a fractured society we live in, the school are sadly best plced to try and assess if the children need more support.

Knock on her door and ask for it back! Whatever her problems may or may not be their not yours,you don’t even know her. She’s taking the piss! Don’t tell the school,is got nothing to do with them. Just get round there and say where’s my cash

Again, why did you give £30? Dinner for 4 and breakfast:

Bag of pasta £1
Pot of sauce £1
Bit of salad £2
6 yoghurts/creme caramel/Angel Delight £1.50
Pint of milk £1
Box of cereal £2
Loaf £1

That's a tenner.

That aside, I'd zip it and keep an eye on the dc.

I could see my sister-in-law doing this. She's a cheeky bitch who doesn't give a shit! She regularly asked us for loans, would always pay back, but a day or 2 later would ask again. When we started saying no, she moved on elsewhere, when they started saying no she moved on etc. I know she walked away from groups of people she owed hundreds to, just never went back and never mentioned it.

No real addiction issues as such, but would enjoy a few drinks and nights out. Never worried too much about money because she always knew she'd get it from somewhere.

She then went through a string of boyfriends who between them redecorated her house. She'd always move on to the next one once the current one started getting wise to the fact they were being used.

Send your husband over to get the money back?

live and learn move on.personally i would have offered food not money if she was truly desperate she would have taken it

I had a neighbour do this a few years back. Her dd went to nursery with mine but I didn’t even know her name at this point. We would only ever say hi or wave of we saw each other.

She knocked up and asked for £20 saying she was desperate and didn’t have any food in. I lent it and she came over a week after to lay me back. Couple weeks later she asked for £50 for an u expected bill. Promised cup,d pay me in 2 days, it was just a cash-flow problem. I refused so she asked another neighbour who lent it to her. She never saw it again.

If I were you, I would keep asking her until you get it back. Ulsnt have to write it off