Mum at school - what would you do?

[Jakeyblueblue]

I've got two school age kids, one in reception and one in year 4. There's another mum who lives about 10 doors up. She has kids in other classes. I don't know her name, would say hello If I saw her but that would be as far as our relationship went.
Last week she knocked on my door after school and said she had no money to feed the kids, said she was going to get paid the following day and could she borrow 30 quid. It totally threw me, I thought she must be really desperate to ask someone she hardly knows, so handed over the money. She's yet to make any attempt to pay me back, she walks past my house up and down to school and I've seen her in the playground everyday and she has ignored me, not even said hi. I've since found out that she has done similar to another mum, borrowed 40 quid over two separate occasions, same reason, no attempt to pay back.
Part of me is really annoyed and Wants to just ask her for it back, but then If she has no intention of paying me back, she will just lie so what's the point?? I'm on mat leave and the money was actually out of my kids piggy bank, can't afford to give her 30 quid and my husband is fuming, just thinks she is bloody cheeky!
On the other hand, Another part of me thinks maybe I should ask her if she is ok, say I know she has asked others?? Is there a problem? Maybe she has issues with drugs, gambling, debt and I don't want to make matters worse for her or embarrass her?? I don't know why I feel so awkward about it all!
She has a husband who does sometimes pick up the kids, she also has one or two mums that I see her speaking to, should I say something to them??
What would you do??

Is definitely ask for the money back and be firm about it. Bloody cheeky of her.

Have you actually asked her for it? You say she is avoiding you, and has made no attempt to pay you back but it doesn't sound as if you have done anything yourself.

Just go to her house and knock on the door. If she says she doesn't have it, say ok, how much have you got on you now, you need to pay something. If she say nothing, say, I'll be back to tomorrow then, you need to have it tomorrow. And do it. Go back the next day, and keep knocking on her door until she bloody gives it back.

If she keeps stalling, go up to her in school. Just ask her to give it back and that you will take installments of how ever much she has.

Seriously, I don't know why you need to ask. If I said I'll give you £30 to go and knock on someone's door you would surely do it .

Where are people getting she has as abusive partner.Shes a CF and op should ask for her money back.

I've had that with a neighbour who needed electric on their key meter and didnt get paid for a couple of days and had already used their emergency. I gave them money and never got it back. The next time they came round and did it again I just said sorry and that I couldn't really afford to last time but did it cos they said I would get it back so I cant do it this time, got the whole apology thing and they'd forgotten about owing me even though I'd asked a few times, said they'd drop it to me in a couple of days....3 years later I'm still waiting, but they've never had the balls to ask to borrow anything again either!

I'd ask for it back . Then write it off. Possibly speak with school as a safe guarding issue

I agree with LL83 'I would rather be kind to a CF in error than not help someone in genuine need'. However I would learn from this incident. Having listened to everyone on here I would either offer my own store cupboard staples ...pasta tuna tinned tomatoes cereal baked potatoes bread butter ext rather than money or I would offer £10 at most. No need to give the amount asked for. If it's for a short term emergency £10 would provide the kind of staples I mentioned. Then if someone was actually being a CF £10 is not so much to loose and you have done your best to help out.
I think you have lost this money op but I think I would try asking for it. If no joy I would suggest installments. She may be able to give you £10 at a time and even if you get that much once you have lost a little bit less.

Completely agree with all those saying report to the school. Not to get your money back but as DSL PP said, because there may be more you don’t know about that may mean her children are at risk.

You can ask for it back but I’d expect the worse. Good idea upthread to offer actual food if she asks again.

I probably would've done the same or said I didn't have cash but offer good from my cupboards/ fridge- I couldn't see children going hungry,

Given she's so blatant though it sounds like she's trying it on. I would ask to speak to the safeguarding lead in school and say you're concerned that the family are struggling to provide the basics.

I'd be suspicious in this situation as I'd never ask to borrow money from someone I don't know. From her behaviour she's no intention of repaying the money to you. I'd make a point of asking her for the money back at the school gates within earshot of others.

A neighbour I hadn't spoken to before knocked and asked to borrow a couple of quid to top her electricity up as she didn't have any money. She insisted she'd pay me back in a couple of days when she got her benefits. She never did, I wasn't that bothered as it wasn't much. She then blanked me when I passed her in the street. Then she asked for tenner for something else, to which I said no. She never asked again. But she did borrow some steps, which she couldn't be bothered to return , so I had to go and get them back.

Op, just ask her for it back. Say you need it for the kids. Do it in front of others if you can. If not privately. You can also ask the husband next, but I doubt that will help. Plus she may be in an abusive relationship.

But id ask her.

Probably owes it to a drug dealer £30 bag of weed maybe?!

Thanks all!
I don't have an issue about asking for it back if I was sure she just a cf, it's the chance that she has got herself into some kind of shit and I'm going to make it worse by asking her or telling the school! When I'm not on mat leave, I work with vulnerable people and guess this is what is making suspicious there is more to this than meets the eye!

Just to clarify a few points..

When she knocked the door, my older two were fighting over a switch controller, dog was going mad and I'd got my baby hanging off the boob! I gave it out of the piggy bank because it was the only cash in the house and I've since put it back.

As soon as I shut the door I knew it was dodgy. Def agree she would not need 30 quid to feed the kids for one day.

I'm thinking I will ask her tmrw and then gauge what to do next by her reaction. As I said, I do work with vulnerable people and she's had 70 quid out of two parents in the last two weeks, she's either in need of some kind of help or she's scamming parents from the school, either way, it's a safeguarding issue!

I’d gather the other moms she’s done this to and go down and file a police report. The amounts are small, but it is a pattern of anti-social behaviour that should be reported. Maybe they could caution her, put fear of god into her. I don’t know panhandling/begging laws, but maybe she could even be issued a fine.

The answers here are surprising me. I don't have time to read the whole thread but i dont think it's right to ask her in front of others.

Surely someone who has to resort to asking strangers (and then probably can't pay back what they've borrowed) is either in dire financial trouble, or has a dependency problem? Neither should be ridiculed. It's less likely she is intentionally being a dick.

Ask for it back and say you need it for the kids. If she doesn't have it, ask if everythign is ok. Only if she is then rude or weird should you assume she's intended to do this?

Please inform the school of this.

Don't you think they have enough to do, teaching your children and also acting as a Police, Social Service, Relate outpost? I can't imagine mother dragging schoolinto an argument with another adult, some people need to grow up.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but if ever anyone said they couldn’t feed their children, I’d give them food.

So if it ever happens to anyone else, offer them tins, frozen stuff etc.

I’d ask for the money back, as sometimes I just don’t have £30 to throw away, but unfortunately it appears that you won’t get it.

Bizarrely we had neighbours with children friendly with mine, ask to borrow an onion, another time eggs, which I thought a lovely quaint thing to do. ( sent her kids admittedly)
She never returned them.
And I’ve always wondered why she just didn’t get in her car and drive to the local shop ( a bit too far to walk), like I do, when I’ve run out of something.

By the sound of her and how you feel about it all, I'd wait till I saw her in the school yard or just outside when my children are not present (just to be on the safe side) ideally talking to another parent and casually say hi im so glad I've run into you I've been meaning to knock but haven't had chance and then I'd say I forgot to keep money back for my kids dinner lunches and I've got reception asking me for it have you got that £30 you borrowed on you? She will no doubt say no or ignore you to which I would say ahh well could you or your partner remember it later/tomorrow and pay reception for me incase I don't see you later/tomorrow and I'll go tell them now you will be dropping money in for my kids dinner money? depending what she says if she says yes I'd say 'ok great' and then go explain to reception she will be paying £30 towards your kids dinner money this month later/tomorrow and call in the next day to ask if shes paid it if she said no I'd say ' when will you have it? Let her answer and respond with ok I'll go explain to reception I have to wait till you got it before I can pay it' I'm sure this is probably the best way of ensuring you get it back her knowing the school knows she suppose to pay them if she dosent pay after this I'd ask once more and then I'd write it off and have nothing to do with this woman again

My neighbour asked me for money twice, the first time I gave him what I had and I did eventually get my money back. Turns out he had a major cocaine habit and would do anything to get some cash. Please understand that no one asks someone they barely know for £30 for food, there's something else going on. It's up to you if you get involved further but you probably won't see that money again.

Alarm bells would have rung for me when the amount she said she needed was $30. It costs nowhere near that to keep a family of four fed for 24 hours, so I very much doubt I'd have lent it her in the first place.
You did though and you say you can't afford to lose it so next time you see her in the playground just tell the cheeky fucker you need it back. Don't worry about embarrassing her, she has embarrassed herself and she doesn't care that she's put you in an awkward position does she?

@Nat6999 I’m amazed you even got half your money back given how that story ended!

How unpleasant. She put you in an awkward situation. I can completely understand why you didn't manage to refuse.

I got scammed on the doorstep for £20. Ever since then I don't keep cash in the house. That way I can tell whoever's asking 'sorry, I don't have any cash in the house'.

Your kids need to have savings accounts so you can pay in the accumulations of their piggy banks if you're at risk of borrowing cash when you can't really afford to replace it.

I'd have given her ingredients for tea but would never give a stranger money.

Ask for it back, she is counting on you being embarrassed when SHE should be.

Shes got a great little earner going hasn't she.. and everyone is too polite and embarrassed to ask for it back.. she must be laughing all the way to the Supermarket. Sod that, I'd be at her door tonight, and every night until she paid it back, but there again I wouldn't have given it over in the first place. Good luck OP

You have to ask her for it. Obvious. She may just be procrastinating.